Im moving in with my Fiance but I cheated

[bonita]

Help! I am so confused and dont know what to do. Ive been with my Fiance for 1 yr and Im moving in with him in a couple of weeks. Marriage is postponed for maybe a couple of years because Im going to college, work full time, and I have 2 kids. By the way he has two of his own.

 

My Fiance is a wonderful man he has pampered me, my family likes him, and most importantly I can trust him with my kids.

 

Anyways, their is this guy that had caught my attention before i even met my Fiance. I knew this guy was married so I never thought about the possability of getting to meet him....but...just a few days ago we saw each other and began a healthy conversation that ended by switching phone #s. He told me that he is no longer with his wife and that he had been attracted to me too! At first I though to myself why now when Im engaged and just about to move in. THIS IS A TEST!!! THE TEMPTATION!!! Damn Im so very weak like much of us...one thing let to another. I met this guy at a place and we made out, it was wonderful. NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED! But, he did shake my lil heart.

 

Here is where I need help...I dont know if I should also postpone moving in and think things thoroughly. My kids are very excited about moving in and so is my fiance. Im scared that i will fail as a bride to be.

 

I have always been attracted to the bad guys, now that I have the best I dont know if I should just move in with my fiance and see what happens.

 

Remember I have two kids...I want the best for my children too!

[alphamale]

i really wouldn't worry about it...

[Angel1111]

Your kids don't have anything to do with your personal relationship with someone and how you feel about that person - in this case, your fiance. And it's an incredibly bad idea to move in with anyone when you're not married to them - especially when you have kids. You don't just play house when kids are a part of the picture and, as their parent, you should be way more protective of putting them in a potentially unstable situation. But now that it's all been arranged, the relationship with your fiance will probably end if you change your plans now. So if you do change them, you need to be prepared to lose him. And it sounds like you have a lot to lose because he's good to you and your kids.

 

What bothers me, aside from the cheating, is that you didn't mention once that you love your fiance, or that you feel you have a great relationship and future with him. You seem to think that 'most importantly' you can trust him with you kids. Yes, that's important but it's not the most important thing. In some ways, you give too much importance to your kids and in other ways, you don't give them enough importance. I think it would be better said that you put the importance in the wrong place. But what's going to happen when you do that - and it basically already has - is that if you don't feel strongly about the relationship for yourself, it will all fall apart.

 

On the other hand, be very careful about dating a guy who is freshly out of a marriage. But if you think that he's the one, then you need to end things with your fiance before you make this collasal mistake of moving in with him and marrying him.

 

btw, if you're afraid that you'll fail as a bride-to-be, I hate to be the one to point it out, but you're already going down that road. It's time to take a hard look at your life because you're at a crossroads. If you really do love your fiance, then I would suggest not screwing this up because you will most likely deeply regret it - and you won't be able to undo it. If you don't, then you need to be honest with him about that and end it. But don't bank on this new guy being 'the one'. It's all a gamble and, as I always say, "Don't gamble if you can't afford to lose."

[lkjh]

You can not just use people for your own personal gain. You should tell him what you did and talk it out. He may break up with you but that is his choice not yours. Do not use this man just to take care of your kids.

 

Also, you already failed as a bride to be. Marriage is not only about you. You have to be willing to put your H and children first and you have proven you can not do this.

[Angel1111]

If you plan to stay with your fiance, I do not recommend that you tell him about the other guy and what happened. It will completely screw up your relationship with him and it probably won't recover. I know, everyone thinks you're supposed to tell your significant other every little detail of your life. But I don't. There is a such thing as too much information. Just something to consider before you go plowing down this road of destruction if you're not prepared for it.

[SoulStorm]

If you plan to stay with your fiance, I do not recommend that you tell him about the other guy and what happened. It will completely screw up your relationship with him and it probably won't recover. I know, everyone thinks you're supposed to tell your significant other every little detail of your life. But I don't. There is a such thing as too much information. Just something to consider before you go plowing down this road of destruction if you're not prepared for it.

 

So being deceptive is productive to a relationship...that's just great!

 

I've been involved with infidelity forums for years. I can tell you the greatest destruction is from the wayward partner that withheld this kind of information and the Betrayed partner found out on their own. And it will be found out.

 

Maybe you're not suppose to tell "every little detail", but you should tell a detail that will give your partner a choice on whether they should stay with you or not. Otherwise you are misleading and disrespecting your partner.

[imagine]

THE TEMPTATION!!! Damn Im so very weak like much of us...one thing let to another. I met this guy at a place and we made out, it was wonderful.

 

Well... you said it yourself, you're weak.

 

Do you want to wreck this nice guys life that you are engaged to? Then marry him dishonestly.

 

Does your fiance deserve good things. Then give him truth, throw yourself on his mercy. Write a no contact letter to OM. Send it after your fiance has edited it.

 

May you and your H-to-be have honesty between you for the rest of your days.

 

This honesty will fortify weakness.

[Ronni_W]

Bonita,

What is your own intuition telling you? Was this a one-time thing that you have gotten out of your system, or does it feel more like it is the start of a 'crime wave', so to speak?

 

If it is done, then it is done. Keep it to yourself, or take it to your therapist to help you resolve your guilt feelings and find self-forgiveness. It would not be fair to put the burden of your own guilt and lack of self-forgiveness on an innocent individual.

 

But if it does not feel 'done' then, yes, possibly wisest to postpone moving in. Give the kids a plausible explanation. Then take it all to a therapist to help you figure out if there are any subconscious fears about taking another BIG step towards married life.

 

Trust your instincts. If they are leaning towards it really not having been too significant (as far as the really significant things in life go), then it is perfectly fine to forgive yourself, turn off any obsessive thoughts, and just keep looking ahead and moving forward. Best of luck.

[SoulStorm]

Bonita,

What is your own intuition telling you? Was this a one-time thing that you have gotten out of your system, or does it feel more like it is the start of a 'crime wave', so to speak?

 

If it is done, then it is done. Keep it to yourself, or take it to your therapist to help you resolve your guilt feelings and find self-forgiveness. It would not be fair to put the burden of your own guilt and lack of self-forgiveness on an innocent individual.

 

But if it does not feel 'done' then, yes, possibly wisest to postpone moving in. Give the kids a plausible explanation. Then take it all to a therapist to help you figure out if there are any subconscious fears about taking another BIG step towards married life.

 

Trust your instincts. If they are leaning towards it really not having been too significant (as far as the really significant things in life go), then it is perfectly fine to forgive yourself, turn off any obsessive thoughts, and just keep looking ahead and moving forward. Best of luck.

 

Most women are always saying "don't tell" as if they are sparing someone's feelings. The real crime is to marry someone with the deception that you are an honorable person, when you clearly are not by keeping secrets before the marriage even began or even afterwards. Or is deceiving men part of the plan for these women?

[You'reasian]

Most women are always saying "don't tell" as if they are sparing someone's feelings. The real crime is to marry someone with the deception that you are an honorable person, when you clearly are not by keeping secrets before the marriage even began or even afterwards. Or is deceiving men part of the plan for these women?

 

Buyer Beware.

 

The man needs to take the proper time to get to know the woman he wants to marry and should look beyond what he sees and hears from her.

[Angel1111]

Most women are always saying "don't tell" as if they are sparing someone's feelings. The real crime is to marry someone with the deception that you are an honorable person, when you clearly are not by keeping secrets before the marriage even began or even afterwards. Or is deceiving men part of the plan for these women?

 

Thank God men never do that. They wouldn't dream of saying 'don't tell', or lying.

 

Right. I've got some land in Florida I want to sell you....

[Angel1111]

So being deceptive is productive to a relationship...that's just great!

 

I've been involved with infidelity forums for years. I can tell you the greatest destruction is from the wayward partner that withheld this kind of information and the Betrayed partner found out on their own. And it will be found out.

 

Maybe you're not suppose to tell "every little detail", but you should tell a detail that will give your partner a choice on whether they should stay with you or not. Otherwise you are misleading and disrespecting your partner.

 

First of all, if I did something like that to someone I was engaged to, there would be no confusion at all - I just wouldn't marry him. But I wouldn't have made out with another guy, either. However, since she has gone down this road, then all I'm saying is that telling him about it will do an incredible amount of damage and if it didn't mean anything to her and it has no real impact on their relationship, then she's better just staying quiet about it. It's immaterial. Or, let me put it another way, if someone I was engaged to did that but was really sorry about it, knew it would never happen again, and the other person didn't mean anything to him, I honestly would not want to know about it because I would make way more of it than it meant in his heart and mind. So, yeah, in that case, ignorance would be bliss.

 

And, no, people don't always get found out. That's a ridiculous statement designed to instill fear.

[You'reasian]

And, no, people don't always get found out. That's a ridiculous statement designed to instill fear.

 

Should there be fear of the other partner finding out?

 

If not, why not get into an open relationship?

 

Hit it n' quit it isn't for everyone. Sometimes people feel like others are cold and withdrawn in this kind of arrangement.

[Angel1111]

Should there be fear of the other partner finding out?

 

If not, why not get into an open relationship?

 

Hit it n' quit it isn't for everyone.

 

I'm not concerned about whether there should or should not be fear, or if people choose to tell all or not - its their choice and their relationship. And I don't even know what 'hit n quit' means. All I was saying is that the statement 'it will be found out' is nonsense. Not every single person in this world who cheats gets caught.

[SoulStorm]

I'm not concerned about whether there should or should not be fear, or if people choose to tell all or not - its their choice and their relationship. And I don't even know what 'hit n quit' means. All I was saying is that the statement 'it will be found out' is nonsense. Not every single person in this world who cheats gets caught.

 

I would agree not all do get caught, that would be an absolute and absolutes are not accurate.

 

I would say most get caught and I will make an assumption that you have cheated and never got caught. Thus your confidence in not getting caught. No one is instilling fear here. I would challenge you to goto other sites of infidelity like surviving infidelity dot com if you doubt that people don't get caught. While I know that these are only the people that come to the site for help, there are probably hundreds of thousands more in the same boat who got caught and have not come to the site.

 

And yes men are just as wrong for holding back information of infidelity. I often see on here where most of the men will say tell and the most women will say don't tell. Yourself included Angel1111.

 

It just makes me question integrity. I know men are at fault too.

 

And about that land in Florida, I don't need to buy it. I already live in Florida

[Angel1111]

I would agree not all do get caught, that would be an absolute and absolutes are not accurate.

 

And yes men are just as wrong for holding back information of infidelity. I often see on here where most of the men will say tell and the most women will say don't tell. Yourself included Angel1111.

 

And about that land in Florida, I don't need to buy it. I already live in Florida

 

It has nothing to do with confidence - it has to do with, as you say, the statement being absolute.

 

As far as me suggesting that people not tell, I do say that whenever the spouse/fiance will make way more of it than needs to be. I repeat what I wrote earlier: "...let me put it another way, if someone I was engaged to did that but was really sorry about it, knew it would never happen again, and the other person didn't mean anything to him, I honestly would not want to know about it because I would make way more of it than it meant in his heart and mind. So, yeah, in that case, ignorance would be bliss."

 

As a rule, I do not encourage being deceitful. But there are times when the information will be misconstrued and do incredible damage, or giving information about something too hurtful and unnecessary. Such as, if this person decides to end it with him, she doesn't need to disclose this information, either. Because it wouldn't really be the reason for the break up. Probably the real reason she did this is because something is missing in the relationshp. But if she breaks up with him and tells him about this other guy, that's going to be his entire focus. And the truth is, the guy is a symptom of a larger problem.

 

You do get the humor about the land in Florida, right? It's a joke about someone being so naive that you could sell them swampland. Now about that land you own....

[SoulStorm]

It has nothing to do with confidence - it has to do with, as you say, the statement being absolute.

 

As far as me suggesting that people not tell, I do say that whenever the spouse/fiance will make way more of it than needs to be. I repeat what I wrote earlier: "...let me put it another way, if someone I was engaged to did that but was really sorry about it, knew it would never happen again, and the other person didn't mean anything to him, I honestly would not want to know about it because I would make way more of it than it meant in his heart and mind. So, yeah, in that case, ignorance would be bliss."

 

As a rule, I do not encourage being deceitful. But there are times when the information will be misconstrued and do incredible damage, or giving information about something too hurtful and unnecessary. Such as, if this person decides to end it with him, she doesn't need to disclose this information, either. Because it wouldn't really be the reason for the break up. Probably the real reason she did this is because something is missing in the relationshp. But if she breaks up with him and tells him about this other guy, that's going to be his entire focus. And the truth is, the guy is a symptom of a larger problem.

 

You do get the humor about the land in Florida, right? It's a joke about someone being so naive that you could sell them swampland. Now about that land you own....

 

Of course I get the joke

 

She intends to move in with this man. He does deserve to know what he's about to get himself into. If she has cheated already he needs to know that before she moves in with her children. If the guy is a "sympton of a larger problem" then the fiance' should be privy to these problems. Especially if it's linked to infidelity. And if something is missing in the relationship, shouldn't she be trying to talk that out instead of cheating?

That's being a coward. You are telling her not to tell, but she is planning to move in with this man with her children and he will be taking care of them. Anyone taking on this type of responsibility deserves to know what is going on so they can decide whether or not they want to continue on.

This isn't one of those situation where she is planning to leave, just the opposite. And how can "I cheated on you" be misconstrued as anything but what it is.

 

Maybe you wouldn't want to know , but everyone isn't you.

[Angel1111]

Maybe you wouldn't want to know , but everyone isn't you.

 

Right. But most people make decisions based on what they would want if the situation were turned around and they were the other party.

 

Honestly, in this girl's case, she probably needs to just get out of the relationship with her fiance because she's too infatuated with this other guy, with the notion that they were attracted to one another before her bf came along, and I'm guessng she's thinking it's a soul mate-type of romance. But if she has somehow come to see it another way after a little time has now passed, then, yep, I think she needs to keep quiet about it because some stupid kisses in some stupid bar that ended up meaning nothing will completely undo her entire future. If she doesn't want that to happen, then she needs to chalk it up to a really bad move and never look back. Her fiance may agree with me - then again, he may not. You never know.

[bonita]

i have read and appreciate all of the comments.

 

The reason I feel so confused is because all of this has just happened in a year. I had been alone for four years putting my children above all, I love spending time with my kids. I had not dated anyone because I had not found a man that would understand my situation.

 

My fiance and I have many things in common that I love and could share with him. Having the experience of being a single parent, personalities, goals, support, and most importantly we share the same faith.

 

it might be true that I do not feel the love for my fiance as the love I felt for the father of my children. but i also know that that type of love was just total destruction...their was addictions and such involved.

 

I usually become attracted to those bad boys.

 

Is it a bad idea that Im following my thoughts and not my heart?

[bonita]

i have read and appreciate all of the comments.

 

The reason I feel so confused is because all of this has just happened in a year. I had been alone for four years putting my children above all, I love spending time with my kids. I had not dated anyone because I had not found a man that would understand my situation. "Not that this gives me any reason to cheat"

 

My fiance and I have many things in common that I love and could share with him. Having the experience of being a single parent, personalities, goals, support, and most importantly we share the same faith. "I know...faith teaches love and fidelity". This is what bothers me most, that I had conserved myself in such a peaceful state, and now im in many emotional states.

 

it might be true that I do not feel the love for my fiance as the love I felt for the father of my children. but i also know that that type of love was just total destruction...their was addictions and such involved. I usually become attracted to those bad boys. This guy I kissed will not become more of me. He keeps sending me texts though, and the worst is that i will keep bumping into him because his daughter attends the same school as my daughter.

 

Oh by the way no alcohol was involved when I kissed this guy.

 

Is it a bad idea that Im following my thoughts and not my heart?

 

I will not marry my fiance now Im going to wait to see how things work by moving in. My parents support this decision.

 

***My parents are hispanic and very conservative and old fashion.

 

 

THE DILEMMA FALLS IN THAT I DO NOT WHAT TO HURT ANYONE. I UNDERSTAND THAT I NEED TO BE HAPPY BEFORE I CAN MAKE ANYONE ELSE HAPPY. BECAUSE I HAVE CHILDREN I DO NOT WANT TO BOUNCE THEM AROUND IN UNSTABLE ENVIROMENTS.

 

ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE PROUD OF ME THAT I HAVE RE-TAKEN SCHOOL, only a couple of years for my BACHELORS.

 

HELP ME I DONOT WANT TO FAIL AGAIN. IVE SEEKED FOR GUIDANCE. I ALSO HAVE AN APPOINTMENT TO MEET WITH A PRIEST TOMORROW.

 

THANK YOU. BLESS YOU!

[Angel1111]

I married someone once because I didn't want to hurt him. I discussed my concerns with him 2 weeks before our wedding but he didn't want to believe me, and I didn't want to hurt him and decided to go ahead with it. There were things about him that I loved, and things I really didn't think we could get past. Six yrs later, those things I had doubts about became mountains, and we divorced because I could no longer take it.

 

Here's how you avoid making another mistake: Listen to your instincts. If you ignore the warning bells now, they'll just get louder until you can no longer ignore them. Don't do that to him, to your kids, or to yourself. If you aren't walking into this with complete joy and confidence, then you need to back off from moving in with him, or marrying him. If nothing else, put everything on hold for now until you've had time to re-think this.

 

If you don't want to hurt your fiance now, you're going to destroy him later - even by just moving in (which is just like marriage without the license). If you think you can't stay with him, then don't even move in with him. I don't even know why you would even consider moving in with him at this point. What does that accomplish? All it says is, "Hey, I'm pretty certain I don't want to marry you but I'm willing to stick my toe in the water and jeapordize screwing up my kids, and you, in the process. All because I don't want to hurt anyone right this moment."

 

This is where the road meets the rubber, hon, and this is where a LOT of people make their mistakes because they don't understand how crucial this crossroad is. You're about to make the wrong choice. I can feel it in the air....

[Ronni_W]

This guy I kissed will not become more of me. He keeps sending me texts though, and the worst is that i will keep bumping into him because

Then leave it at that. Ask him to stop texting you, and/or block his texts. It isn't a problem that your kids are students at the same school. Just act like any other parent would, whenever you are required to be at the same school-related function.

 

Wanting to always keep every situation peaceful and everyone happy is, actually, an emotional issue (terms like 'people-pleasing' and 'care-taking'.) You do not have influence over other people's life experiences and lessons -- that is Divine Intervention, and you/we don't have the power.

 

They are gonna get hurt if that is in their own 'Life Plan'; they will feel loss and pain. You cannot stop that, for them. If you try to intervene and prevent others from living the life that they are meant to live, you can only make yourself unhappy, depleted and feeling guilty a lot of the time.

 

Follow your heart/intuition. Your thoughts are also telling you that this particular guy is insignificant. If you find yourself consistently putting yourself in this type of situation, though, then obviously that would be a sign that something deeper is going on...and then you might want to explore that further.

[Dexter Morgan]

Help! I am so confused and dont know what to do. Ive been with my Fiance for 1 yr and Im moving in with him in a couple of weeks. Marriage is postponed for maybe a couple of years because Im going to college, work full time, and I have 2 kids. By the way he has two of his own.

 

My Fiance is a wonderful man he has pampered me, my family likes him, and most importantly I can trust him with my kids.

 

 

And you repay a good man like this by cheating on him? If he doesn't know you cheated, you need to tell him before he blindly goes into marriage with you.

 

 

Anyways, their is this guy that had caught my attention before i even met my Fiance. I knew this guy was married so I never thought about the possability of getting to meet him....but...just a few days ago we saw each other and began a healthy conversation that ended by switching phone #s. He told me that he is no longer with his wife and that he had been attracted to me too! At first I though to myself why now when Im engaged and just about to move in. THIS IS A TEST!!! THE TEMPTATION!!! Damn Im so very weak like much of us...one thing let to another. I met this guy at a place and we made out, it was wonderful.

 

well if thats your take on it and it was so "wonderful", then cancel the engagement, and break up with your boyfriend. If this is how you feel, and how fickle you are before marriage, you aren't going to be able to handle being with the same man for so many years. You will get the itch sooner or later to cheat on him again.

 

Here is where I need help...I dont know if I should also postpone moving in and think things thoroughly.

 

 

YES, that is exactly what you should do. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM, and cancel the engagement.

 

 

My kids are very excited about moving in and so is my fiance. Im scared that i will fail as a bride to be.

 

You will. You already failed as a fiancee. just wait until the humdrum of marriage sets in for you. And then what? Your kids are really attached to him, you cheat again, then the marriage crumbles, and not only will you have betrayed this man AGAIN, your kids will be crushed and will more than likely lose a fantastic father figure. And for what? Because you just can't handle refraining from messing around with other men?

 

Do your kids and your "fiancee" a favor. End it.

 

 

I have always been attracted to the bad guys, now that I have the best I dont know if I should just move in with my fiance and see what happens.

 

 

No. His life, and the lives of your children, are not some experiment. You don't just keep him in the dark, marry him and "see what happens".

 

You can't handle keeping your hands off other men during an engagement, then you definitely can't handle being faithful while being married.

 

and this fiancee is not your type. Leave the good guy to someone that will appreciate him and be faithful. He deserves that. Not someone who is settling for him since he isn't that exciting bad boy you crave.

 

 

Remember I have two kids...I want the best for my children too!

 

Sure, everyone does, but as far as I'm concerned, you screwed that up for them. If you think they'll be devestated now, just wait until later when they are really attached to him and you end up cheating on him in the future, while he is at home watching your kids.

[Dexter Morgan]

I will not marry my fiance now Im going to wait to see how things work by moving in. My parents support this decision.

 

 

This is a wise decision. However, if you ever decide to get him back, I think you need to come clean with him beforehand so he is informed of everything before taking a serious plunge with you.

 

 

THE DILEMMA FALLS IN THAT I DO NOT WHAT TO HURT ANYONE. I UNDERSTAND THAT I NEED TO BE HAPPY BEFORE I CAN MAKE ANYONE ELSE HAPPY. BECAUSE I HAVE CHILDREN I DO NOT WANT TO BOUNCE THEM AROUND IN UNSTABLE ENVIROMENTS.

 

Wise again. You shouldn't plunge into marriage if you can't be faithful. That isn't fair to your children who will become attached to any man.

 

 

HELP ME I DONOT WANT TO FAIL AGAIN. IVE SEEKED FOR GUIDANCE. I ALSO HAVE AN APPOINTMENT TO MEET WITH A PRIEST TOMORROW.

 

THANK YOU. BLESS YOU!

 

If you really don't want to fail, a priest isn't what you want. You need counseling.

 

I don't know what a counselor can do to take away your craving for bad boys, but its a start.

[Angel1111]

You shouldn't plunge into marriage if you can't be faithful. That isn't fair to your children who will become attached to any man.

 

Even if she takes the cheating out of the equation, it still doesn't mean things will work out. That's the thing with cheating - it immediately takes centerstage and all the focus is removed from the real problem. Yes, cheating is a very bad move. But there is something wrong between her and her fiance, too, and it either needs to be resolved (which it probably won't be), or she needs to walk away. There aren't too many scenarios here where a happy ending is probable.