Dexter Morgan Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 Even if she takes the cheating out of the equation, it still doesn't mean things will work out. That's the thing with cheating - it immediately takes centerstage and all the focus is removed from the real problem. Yes, cheating is a very bad move. But there is something wrong between her and her fiance, too, and it either needs to be resolved (which it probably won't be), or she needs to walk away. There aren't too many scenarios here where a happy ending is probable. The problem is, and she said it herself, that she is attracted to bad boys. If there is a problem between her and her "fiancee", its that he isn't a bad boy. Otherwise, she had nothing but praise of him. Therefore, I'd suggest breaking it off. let someone that isn't into bad boys have him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bonita Posted November 17, 2008 Author Share Posted November 17, 2008 I don't know what a counselor can do to take away your craving for bad boys, but its a start. Well what ever it is called I know I did wrong by leading the guy I kissed. I have decided not to tell my fiance about it though. If I ever get to be with anyone else it will only be when Im available and not in a relationship. I will take up counceling...and you know the not so funny part is that Im majoring in psychology and sociology. Sometimes I feel my fiance is trying to hard to please me in every which way. I always fall behind to make him feel special, and it is even more difficult because we only get to see each other once or twice a week because of our busy schedules. To all...The more I read through the posts the worst I feel beacause I know you are all targeting somethings that I prefer not to hear. The reason I signed up to this forum is because I knew you would all give me a direct opinion about my situation. I cannot talk to my family or friends about this because they feel I have found prince charmin. They all love me, you understand dont you? Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 Sometimes I feel my fiance is trying to hard to please me in every which way. I always fall behind to make him feel special, and it is even more difficult because we only get to see each other once or twice a week because of our busy schedules. Do you feel that you are in a competition in your relationship with your fiance to please each other? Or do you feel that something inside of you is telling you that you don't deserve it? Most women would appreciate a man that tries to please them. Are you attracted to bad boys because deep down you feel bad about yourself ? And bad boys are held to a lower bar than a fiance who treats you with respect and you hold to a higher esteem. My guess is you feel like you don't deserve your fiance' on some level. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 I don't know what a counselor can do to take away your craving for bad boys, but its a start. Well what ever it is called I know I did wrong by leading the guy I kissed. I have decided not to tell my fiance about it though. Then do the right thing and break it off with him. he doesn't deserve to be kept in the dark and doesn't need to be with someone that will end up doing this to him again in the future. To stay with him and not tell him is for your own selfish desires. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 Sometimes I feel my fiance is trying to hard to please me in every which way. I always fall behind to make him feel special, and it is even more difficult because we only get to see each other once or twice a week because of our busy schedules. To all...The more I read through the posts the worst I feel beacause I know you are all targeting somethings that I prefer not to hear. The reason I signed up to this forum is because I knew you would all give me a direct opinion about my situation. I cannot talk to my family or friends about this because they feel I have found prince charmin. They all love me, you understand dont you? Your family doesn't have to live with the guy - you do. The thing is, I'm not certain that this has to do with him not being a bad boy or not. My ex seemed like a really good guy, too, but he is very subtly manipulative and controlling. My sister calls him 'the benevolent manipulator'. It took years for me to figure out that the reason I felt so nuts around him was that he is such a controller. He drove me crazy. And today, he drives our son crazy for the same reasons. These traits became more pronounced over the years and now even his family doesn't get along with him. So just because he appeared to be a stable, nice guy, doesn't' mean he's marriage material. I suspect that it's more of something like that that may be going on with your fiance, than this thing about bad boys. The fact that you feel like he's trying too hard is indicative of an imbalance in the relationship, and possibly a subtle form of control toward you. He may be insecure about your feelings and could be using this 'trying too hard' thing in order to make you feel guilty. I suggest doing some really close scrutiny of this relationship before you take it to the next level. I can promise you that being in a bad marriage is WAY worse than being alone. Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 If you can not be honest with him then break up with him; its his life to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bonita Posted November 18, 2008 Author Share Posted November 18, 2008 After meeting with the priest today many things have happened... After my class we went to meet with the priest. He went in first, basically seeking some guidance on marriage annulments for his previous marriage. I was secong and I just spilled my guts out to the priest. The priest concluded that I was not ready for any type of commitment and that I should be open to my fiance about how I feel. Besides seeking help from the priest it helped me listen to myself on how I felt. Somehow after the conversation I felt some relief. That's not all, after the session I met up with my fiance and the kids for dinner. He asked me how it went, and I told him I wasn't ready to move in. He was very dissapointed, but as always handled the situation to his high standards. He broke up with me in a very peaceful way. He told me that he would not allow me to take him in this emotional roller coaster, that he wished me and the kids the best in the future, and that he loved me. He told me that he would have supported me in every which way, but that maybe he wasn't the one for me. I haven't been able to stop crying after the fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bonita Posted November 18, 2008 Author Share Posted November 18, 2008 The problem is, and she said it herself, that she is attracted to bad boys. If there is a problem between her and her "fiancee", its that he isn't a bad boy. Otherwise, she had nothing but praise of him. Therefore, I'd suggest breaking it off. let someone that isn't into bad boys have him. Dexter, Im not a monster craving bad boys. It is only a way to express a certain type of men that I usually fall for. I've only had 3 serious relationships, one the father of my children that lasted for about seven years. Two a marine guy with a heart of stone, 4 months. And now my fiance. I have never been out to clubs and such but twice in my lifetime, Im pretty laid back. I priase my EX all the time, I admire him for everything he has accomplished, but as many of you say maybe I just don't deserve him. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 I think this crap about you not deserving him is just that - crap. I know that had to be hard for you to talk to him, but I am really proud of you for doing it. Yes, break ups are very hard, even when you know the relationship isn't right. You let him bow out gracefully and now you're on to a new chapter. And, believe it or not, your children are watching you and you just saved them from making a similar mistake in their lives - because even though I'm sure this makes them sad, too, they will see how things transpire and will admire you for your courage and for teaching them not to settle. I know this hurts but please don't second-guess yourself and try to make amends. In 6 mos, you're going to see this all much clearer. Have you thought about things and asked yourself what was missing or what was wrong in that relationship? It'll help you refine what you're looking for in a person. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 I think this crap about you not deserving him is just that - crap. I know that had to be hard for you to talk to him, but I am really proud of you for doing it. Yes, break ups are very hard, even when you know the relationship isn't right. You let him bow out gracefully and now you're on to a new chapter. And, believe it or not, your children are watching you and you just saved them from making a similar mistake in their lives - because even though I'm sure this makes them sad, too, they will see how things transpire and will admire you for your courage and for teaching them not to settle. I know this hurts but please don't second-guess yourself and try to make amends. In 6 mos, you're going to see this all much clearer. Have you thought about things and asked yourself what was missing or what was wrong in that relationship? It'll help you refine what you're looking for in a person. I could agree with you here if she was settling for a guy who was a scum bag and mistreated her. This guy was the opposite of that. Any woman who settles with him would probably consider herself lucky according to how she describes him. Maybe she doesn't really love him, but that's not a reflection on him, thats a reflection on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 I could agree with you here if she was settling for a guy who was a scum bag and mistreated her. This guy was the opposite of that. Any woman who settles with him would probably consider herself lucky according to how she describes him. Maybe she doesn't really love him, but that's not a reflection on him, thats a reflection on her. There are a lot of great people out there - doesn't mean that every one of them is right for her....or you. I take exception to the word 'deserving' because it implies that something is inherently wrong with her just because he's not really 'the one'. They were only together for a year and it may have not been enough time for her to get the real picture. Once moving in and marriage come up, sometimes reality starts to set in. She sounds like a decent person who felt torn and didn't want to hurt anyone. That's always a tough spot to be in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bonita Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 after many phone calls from my fiance to my work, we came to an agreement. Im not moving in this thanksgiving week as it was planned, but it seems that my fiance has changed his mind regarding breaking up. My fiancee works at a school and had the cheerleading squad sing me a cheer up song through the phone something like Bonita, bonita thats her name, she's so beautiful....you can do it-si se puede. It was very sweet, but it just makes me feel worst about things. In reality I don't want to hurt him, I want to do whats right. In a couple of weeks we had a weekekend trip planned,, which still stands, but Im not sure how things are going to work out now that we hav e opened up a can of worms. He said that he is going to be with me, but he dosen't know if he can wait to long until I make up my mind about moving in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bonita Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 It will not be easy to let go, it is all very recent. And being with each other will not help either. I dropped a bomb on him and he didn't seem to affected by it until today. I never thought that he would wait, he was determined to end the relationship if I didnt move in. Im putting myself in the hands of God, and with a bit of my own knowledge hopefully Ill following the best path. Wish me luck, pray for me. Ill be in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 He was in shock yesterday. Just be careful about being with someone just because it's hard to disconnect, or because you don't want to hurt them. You need to figure out what your concerns are, why you're uncertain about him. Sometimes it's hard to put your finger on. But you did the right thing for now - not making a move until you're sure about what you're doing. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 That's not all, after the session I met up with my fiance and the kids for dinner. He asked me how it went, and I told him I wasn't ready to move in. He was very dissapointed, but as always handled the situation to his high standards. But because you won't tell him what is really going on, this is the best thing for him. He just doesn't know it. So kudos for doing the right thing in absence of not being truthful with him. But again, if you change your mind and decide to move in and continue this engagement, you need to come clean with him. You did break the engagement off, right? Link to post Share on other sites
OnTheEdge Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Grow up...why are you messing with people's lives? u need to concentrate on your children and not running around making out with guys... u obviously dont love your fiance or else you wouldnt of done what you done..so go tell him what you have done and leave him alone he deserves better i feel sorry for your fiance for having someone like you... Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 after many phone calls from my fiance to my work, we came to an agreement. Im not moving in this thanksgiving week as it was planned, but it seems that my fiance has changed his mind regarding breaking up. Thats because he still doesn't know the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 Your family doesn't have to live with the guy - you do. The thing is, I'm not certain that this has to do with him not being a bad boy or not. My ex seemed like a really good guy, too, but he is very subtly manipulative and controlling. My sister calls him 'the benevolent manipulator'. It took years for me to figure out that the reason I felt so nuts around him was that he is such a controller. He drove me crazy. And today, he drives our son crazy for the same reasons. These traits became more pronounced over the years and now even his family doesn't get along with him. So just because he appeared to be a stable, nice guy, doesn't' mean he's marriage material. I suspect that it's more of something like that that may be going on with your fiance, than this thing about bad boys. The fact that you feel like he's trying too hard is indicative of an imbalance in the relationship, and possibly a subtle form of control toward you. What a load of bull. So now she is the way she is because of him?? she is a cheater because he is a nice guy that really wants to be with her? Oh now I've heard it all. In case you hadn't heard, she had nothing but praise of him and thinks he is a wonderful guy. In now way does she indicate that he is like your X. He is trying hard because he is blindly smitten by her. Smitten by someone that he doesn't know f#cked him over in one of the worst ways. I guarantee, if he knew she is a cheaterand is cheating on him, he wouldn't be trying quite so hard, unless he is desperate. Link to post Share on other sites
elysia Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 I have been engaged for 10yrs out of my 12yr relationship and ended up having an affair because many things (you can imagine) were lacking - not least of all a marriage. Affairs happen because you are missing somehting in your relationship or you are not sure whether you are doing the right thing by committing to this person. You know the reasons behind your affair and you are unsure whether to take your current relationship forward. The only advice I can give is to listen to your heart but let your head make the final decisions on this. An affair need not be the end of your relationship, it may even enable you to clarify things in your own mind before you take things any further - however, it is not something you want to carry on into your marriage. If you truly feel that he is the right one for you then make that commitment and stick to it. Telling him will only damage what you have and, unless you have any concerns regarding unsafe sex, will only scupper your chances of happiness together - trust me, he will only be suspicious of your every move after you tell him and that can only make your relationship more difficult. If this is the one and only affair and you are not a consistent adultress, then it is better for the both of you for you to keep quiet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 Affairs happen because you are missing somehting in your relationship. Not always. Alot of times its because there is something missing in the cheater. I've heard time and time again about people supposedly "in love" with the person they cheated on, but they simply like having sex with someone new. But I suspect you won't want to believe that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 I have been engaged for 10yrs out of my 12yr relationship and ended up having an affair because many things (you can imagine) were lacking - not least of all a marriage. Affairs happen because you are missing somehting in your relationship or you are not sure whether you are doing the right thing by committing to this person. You know the reasons behind your affair and you are unsure whether to take your current relationship forward. The only advice I can give is to listen to your heart but let your head make the final decisions on this. An affair need not be the end of your relationship, it may even enable you to clarify things in your own mind before you take things any further - however, it is not something you want to carry on into your marriage. If you truly feel that he is the right one for you then make that commitment and stick to it. Telling him will only damage what you have and, unless you have any concerns regarding unsafe sex, will only scupper your chances of happiness together - trust me, he will only be suspicious of your every move after you tell him and that can only make your relationship more difficult. If this is the one and only affair and you are not a consistent adultress, then it is better for the both of you for you to keep quiet. Thats a bit selfish!! Cheat and don't say anything because that could mess up your own personal agenda. People with attitudes like this should not get married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 Thats a bit selfish!! Cheat and don't say anything because that could mess up your own personal agenda. People with attitudes like this should not get married. This debate about 'tell all' vs. 'don't tell all' continues to come up over and over again on this site. Everyone has their own take on it. If a guy I was with did something like this and he knew it wouldn't happen again - I honestly wouldn't want to know about it. I would make way more of it than it meant to him and it would be incredibly damaging. People who would make the decision not to say anything probably base it on what they would want if the roles were reversed. It has nothing to do with attitudes. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 The way she gave her advise was based off what makes her happy not her bf; that is an attitude about relationships. Nobody wants to be betrayed and most certainly do not want to be deceived Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 This debate about 'tell all' vs. 'don't tell all' continues to come up over and over again on this site. Everyone has their own take on it. If a guy I was with did something like this and he knew it wouldn't happen again - I honestly wouldn't want to know about it. I would make way more of it than it meant to him and it would be incredibly damaging. People who would make the decision not to say anything probably base it on what they would want if the roles were reversed. It has nothing to do with attitudes. Your perception of "tell all vs. don't tell all" is based upon your own personal feelings and morals. Not everyone has your take on this. There are some who do. Just because nothing is said doesn't mean something wasn't done. You choose to not want to know, but if your bf did cheat on you, it meant something to him at that moment. It meant he did not respect you enough not to. You not wanting to know is just a survival method to not have to deal with any hurt period. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 i really wouldn't worry about it... Famous last words! Making out with guys you've just met is usually a reliable sign you aren't ready to move in with a fiance. Link to post Share on other sites
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