Im moving in with my Fiance but I cheated

[mental_traveller]

After meeting with the priest today many things have happened...

 

After my class we went to meet with the priest. He went in first, basically seeking some guidance on marriage annulments for his previous marriage. I was secong and I just spilled my guts out to the priest. The priest concluded that I was not ready for any type of commitment and that I should be open to my fiance about how I feel. Besides seeking help from the priest it helped me listen to myself on how I felt. Somehow after the conversation I felt some relief.

 

That's not all, after the session I met up with my fiance and the kids for dinner. He asked me how it went, and I told him I wasn't ready to move in. He was very dissapointed, but as always handled the situation to his high standards. He broke up with me in a very peaceful way. He told me that he would not allow me to take him in this emotional roller coaster, that he wished me and the kids the best in the future, and that he loved me.

 

He told me that he would have supported me in every which way, but that maybe he wasn't the one for me.

 

I haven't been able to stop crying after the fact.

 

Good for you. Sounds like both your priest and your ex-fiance are fairly wise people.

 

Although it hurts now, in the long run this is best for everyone involved. Next time, go for guys who are your type i.e. bad boys. I have exactly the same issue (sexes reversed, obviously), whenever I tried to date nice girls I got bored and broke up with them. It would have been better to just stick to what I like, and I recommend you do the same.

[movingonandon]

Most women are always saying "don't tell" as if they are sparing someone's feelings. The real crime is to marry someone with the deception that you are an honorable person, when you clearly are not by keeping secrets before the marriage even began or even afterwards. Or is deceiving men part of the plan for these women?

 

 

C'mon people, take it easy with the GOD complex! People make mistakes, and sometime learn from them. The real question is are you aware of your feelings enough and do you really love this guy?

If the answer is "YES", then learn your lesson, SHUT UP, do NOT tell him anything, marry him, and most importantly - NEVER, EVER do anything like this again.

If the answer is "No", then you should't be marry him anyway, and if so, that you cheated is irrelevant anyway too.

[michelangelo]

Is that "never" is a long time. it is many decades of not telling. Every day, every minute, not telling.

 

See, my wife had an affair while we were engaged. I believe that secret she held made it possible for two things to occur.

 

1. She saw she could lie to be successfully and get away with it.

 

2. She could put off repairing the broken part of her and repeat the pattern years later when we had a life together, kids, the white friggin picket fence-lined house in the suburbs.

 

So "never" was not possible for her. she only made it to 15 years. Then she cheated again and confessed to the earlier affair while admitting the then current one.

 

I was devastated. I never would have married her back then if i knew of the affair. And she knew it.

 

So she robbed me of my wish to have an honest woman in my life out of her selfishness.

 

I don't think the people telling you to avoid the truth of your life really perceive just how hard "never" is. Now how damaging it is to the one who eventually finds out what happened.

 

Be honest with your fiancee.

[movingonandon]

Is that "never" is a long time. it is many decades of not telling. Every day, every minute, not telling.

 

See, my wife had an affair while we were engaged. I believe that secret she held made it possible for two things to occur.

 

1. She saw she could lie to be successfully and get away with it.

 

2. She could put off repairing the broken part of her and repeat the pattern years later when we had a life together, kids, the white friggin picket fence-lined house in the suburbs.

 

So "never" was not possible for her. she only made it to 15 years. Then she cheated again and confessed to the earlier affair while admitting the then current one.

 

I was devastated. I never would have married her back then if i knew of the affair. And she knew it.

 

So she robbed me of my wish to have an honest woman in my life out of her selfishness.

 

I don't think the people telling you to avoid the truth of your life really perceive just how hard "never" is. Now how damaging it is to the one who eventually finds out what happened.

 

Be honest with your fiancee.

 

That's a sad story. Yes, the outcome depends on whether 2) is completed immediately after the transgression. Obviously, not telling *allows* putting it off indefinitely. But it is also not fair to assume that some people are not capable/willing to do it right away.

But that aside, really how many decisions that others make do NOT affect you? You still got a 15 years of (i assume) decent marriage, and it is possible that it would have ended in the same place ayway, even if she did nothave the first affair.

My point is that interdependencies are given, and being vulnerable is a big part of being in love, and you never know the outcome. That's why I think that choosing not to hurt your parnter's feelings and learning is not inherently evil. But of course many people become content with not having to do the work...

[AAlike]

this is a very interesting thread - and both sides of this argument about whether you should tell or not tell definitely have some merit...I'm not really sure what to think on that front. I do think that it is very interesting that women tend to view this on a more case-by-case manner whereas men are much more inclined to view this as absolute and all-or-nothing.

 

However, the thing that really concerns me about your story is your admission that the making out was "wonderful" and that he "shook your heart." and your insistence that we as the reader need to "remember" that you have two kids, as if that should somehow influence our (and your) decision. This makes me feel as if you are viewing your impending marriage to this guy as some sort of "compromise" - i.e. you are choosing the good father over the guy that drives you nuts. that is not a good premise in which to start a marriage, and it's not fair to your fiance, especially if he is such a "great guy."

 

Have you ever felt the feeling that you felt from this new guy from your fiance? if you haven't, then I don't think that this is going to work, because you'll have it ingrained in your head that you sacrificed love for practicality. If you have, then you need to ask yourself if you think that theoretically you can regain those feelings again.

 

If the answer is no, you need to break it off, and if that's the case then there's no real point of telling him about what you did - that will only serve to make him feel worse and inadequate with the end result being the same.

[SoulStorm]

That's a sad story. Yes, the outcome depends on whether 2) is completed immediately after the transgression. Obviously, not telling *allows* putting it off indefinitely. But it is also not fair to assume that some people are not capable/willing to do it right away.

But that aside, really how many decisions that others make do NOT affect you? You still got a 15 years of (i assume) decent marriage, and it is possible that it would have ended in the same place ayway, even if she did nothave the first affair.

My point is that interdependencies are given, and being vulnerable is a big part of being in love, and you never know the outcome. That's why I think that choosing not to hurt your parnter's feelings and learning is not inherently evil. But of course many people become content with not having to do the work...

 

I totally disagree with your way of thinking. How can you assume he had 15 years of a decent marriage? It was based on a lie.

Deception or denial helps nothing. The truth always has a way of revealing itself. Michelangelo just gave you proof of what keeping a secret such as infidelity can do. And it is rude of you to assume his marriage would have ended anyway. That alone let's me know what type of person you are and how your advice can be harmful instead of helpful.

 

Have you cheated on someone and not told? is this why you tell people to do so? So you can have someone in the same boat you travel in?

[michelangelo]

Thanks for pointing out what I was about to.

 

BTW, we're still married and that second affair? she told me it was a one night thing and it really went on for years and she lied all during it and after for years.

 

We're getting to the end of things.

 

But if she had been honest with me about her true nature, things would have been different, at least for me.

 

 

I totally disagree with your way of thinking. How can you assume he had 15 years of a decent marriage? It was based on a lie.

Deception or denial helps nothing. The truth always has a way of revealing itself. Michelangelo just gave you proof of what keeping a secret such as infidelity can do. And it is rude of you to assume his marriage would have ended anyway. That alone let's me know what type of person you are and how your advice can be harmful instead of helpful.

 

Have you cheated on someone and not told? is this why you tell people to do so? So you can have someone in the same boat you travel in?

[movingonandon]

I totally disagree with your way of thinking. How can you assume he had 15 years of a decent marriage? It was based on a lie.

Deception or denial helps nothing. The truth always has a way of revealing itself. Michelangelo just gave you proof of what keeping a secret such as infidelity can do. And it is rude of you to assume his marriage would have ended anyway. That alone let's me know what type of person you are and how your advice can be harmful instead of helpful.

 

Have you cheated on someone and not told? is this why you tell people to do so? So you can have someone in the same boat you travel in?

 

Well I'm sorry I offended you. And I am not assuming anything, but pointing the obvious such as that the that initial affair happened does not mean that the marriage was bad. Also, I am not assuming that it would have ended anyway but suggesting that that initial affair is not necessarily the root of its demise. Even if that woman had nod cheated, she could have possibly still harbored the issues that made it possible for her to cheat 2nd time. So there you have it. No disrespect implied whatsoever.

 

Also, If you actually read my posts you will see that I don't advocate "deception" as an attitude, but merely suggest that I'm open to the possibility that in some situations everybody is better off if the offender shuts up, really learns their lesson and sticks to it. The "honesty at all costs" policy sounds good in the abstract, but in life it often is just lazy and often times even irresponsible. This type of behavior can be as much as irresponsible as deception. I'd prefer to be with a woman who cheated on me and then honestly regrets her behavior and remains devoted to me, rather than a weak drama queen who cheats and "puts it out there", as a cheap way to avoid dealing with her guild and taking responsibility for what she did. So telling or not telling is not universally better. What matters are the motives and the lessons learned. That's why people have hearts and brains - to make the best decisions for themselves and those around them. Not to blindly follow shaky and arbitraty codes of conduct.

 

And yes, I have cheated (ONS, not that that matters) and not admitted it, and it didn't matter at all, because the relationship in question was a sick, horrible, mess to begin with and i ended it anyway, so that particular instance of my life is irrelevant to this particular discussion.

[SoulStorm]

And yes, I have cheated (ONS, not that that matters) and not admitted it, and it didn't matter at all, because the relationship in question was a sick, horrible, mess to begin with and i ended it anyway, so that particular instance of my life is irrelevant to this particular discussion.

 

Yes it is relevant. it advocates your way of thinking. Anyhow, no apology needed. You are just expressing your opinion , as am I. But I do appreciate the gesture.

[michelangelo]

 

Also, If you actually read my posts you will see that I don't advocate "deception" as an attitude, but merely suggest that I'm open to the possibility that in some situations everybody is better off if the offender shuts up, really learns their lesson and sticks to it. The "honesty at all costs" policy sounds good in the abstract, but in life it often is just lazy and often times even irresponsible. This type of behavior can be as much as irresponsible as deception.

 

Um, defiant flinging of hatred surrounding a kernel of truth is not what I seek. I seek the truth told rationally and sensitively.

 

100% truth cannot be more harmful that any level of lying or destructive behavior.

 

 

 

And yes, I have cheated (ONS, not that that matters) and not admitted it, and it didn't matter at all, because the relationship in question was a sick, horrible, mess to begin with and i ended it anyway, so that particular instance of my life is irrelevant to this particular discussion.

 

Your point of view is colored by your actions no matter how much you think it not. Your life story is relevant to your opinionmaking. As is mine.

[AAlike]

That's why people have hearts and brains - to make the best decisions for themselves and those around them. Not to blindly follow shaky and arbitraty codes of conduct.

 

Eh, I don't know about this. I would agree with this as far as withholding information about things that took place BEFORE one enters into a relationship, but once the relationship has commenced, those "codes of conduct" are no longer supposed to be arbitrary.

 

And yes, I have cheated (ONS, not that that matters) and not admitted it, and it didn't matter at all, because the relationship in question was a sick, horrible, mess to begin with and i ended it anyway, so that particular instance of my life is irrelevant to this particular discussion.

 

but the fact remains that you didn't end the "sick, horrible mess" until after you cheated. saying that it doesn't matter is pure attmpted justification. that's my big problem with cheating - if it's that bad, just end it!

 

However, even though I think that these two paragraphs have not exactly bolstered your argument, I'm not sure that I entirely disagree with you. gonna have to think about this one.

[bonita]

It is obvious that cheating is wrong! Telling your significant other about the cheating is another issue that we all feel differently about.

 

I have not told him about me kissing another guy, but you know what because of that I decided not to move in. Even without me being unfaitfull I believe that within a month the relationship would not have worked out.

 

I agree that maybe because I used to be in the worst of relationships with the father of my children bumping into a person that showers me with flowers and has a positive attitude towars life seemed like he was the one.

 

My fiance apologized for being pushy about marriage and all. We are taking some time off, but eventually I will return the ring back. My fiances father is in a final stage of cancer, I don't know when to find the right moment.

 

And NO Iam not in any need of those Bad Boys, Id preffer to be by myself with my children. Ive already been through a relationship that lasted 7 years; 7 years of total ignorance, where drug and alcohol took the best part of it.

 

How do I feel now? With alot less pressure and eager to concentrate on my daily and future goals.

 

I found out that my fiance called my mother to seek for her advice, I was very upset to find this, because my parents do not need to be bothered by my personal issues.

[bonita]

This was the week I was going to move in. I regret what I that I was unfaithtful, but what is done is done. Not to happen again. The exitement only lasts for a while, afterward their is only shame and repent. Karma goes down the drain.

 

My fiance still has hopes that Im going to come out of this funk. I have already told him that I do not Love him, but insists that I think about things before making the drastic decision of breaking up.

 

He said that he is older and mature enough to tell me what is right for me, and that his experiences in life make him a savyy where love is based. That conversation only made me back off even more.

 

Im not trying to make him sound awful, but he very good at turning words around to his favor.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Here is where I need help...I dont know if I should also postpone moving in and think things thoroughly. My kids are very excited about moving in and so is my fiance. Im scared that i will fail as a bride to be.

 

I have always been attracted to the bad guys, now that I have the best I dont know if I should just move in with my fiance and see what happens

 

You already failed as a bride to be... and as a decent person. I'm not sure which one you care about less.

 

So what are you asking? Do you want your Fiance, or this other guy? Or both?

 

If you can't reconcile your attraction to "bad boys"... then your fundamentally broken on the inside, and you children can just try and deal once they grow up.

[Untouchable_Fire]

This was the week I was going to move in. I regret what I that I was unfaithtful, but what is done is done. Not to happen again. The exitement only lasts for a while, afterward their is only shame and repent. Karma goes down the drain.

 

Dump him. He isn't worth it.

 

Don't count on this not happening again.

[Angel1111]

This was the week I was going to move in. I regret what I that I was unfaithtful, but what is done is done. Not to happen again. The exitement only lasts for a while, afterward their is only shame and repent. Karma goes down the drain.

 

My fiance still has hopes that Im going to come out of this funk. I have already told him that I do not Love him, but insists that I think about things before making the drastic decision of breaking up.

 

He said that he is older and mature enough to tell me what is right for me, and that his experiences in life make him a savyy where love is based. That conversation only made me back off even more.

 

Im not trying to make him sound awful, but he very good at turning words around to his favor.

 

As I said before, I think you were attracted to another guy because there was something missing in your relationship with your ex-fiance. I think you're starting to see where some of the problems begin and I'm so glad you didn't move in with him. You really did the right thing and have saved yourself a lot of misery. Very smart. You should be proud of yourself for making this decision.

[Spectre]

As far as me suggesting that people not tell, I do say that whenever the spouse/fiance will make way more of it than needs to be. I repeat what I wrote earlier: "...let me put it another way, if someone I was engaged to did that but was really sorry about it, knew it would never happen again, and the other person didn't mean anything to him, I honestly would not want to know about it because I would make way more of it than it meant in his heart and mind. So, yeah, in that case, ignorance would be bliss."

 

The thing is, it really doesn't matter what you would want to or not want to know. If you're in a relationship with someone, it isn't simply your decision alone. I'm sorry but how do you "make more of it" than there needs to be when your fiance, whose own children you have been so kind to take care of, cheats on you? This whole not telling someone something to help them in the long run is BS, if you're that concerned about somebody don't cheat on them in the first place, if you do be damn sure you're ready to face the consequences.

 

As a rule, I do not encourage being deceitful. But there are times when the information will be misconstrued and do incredible damage, or giving information about something too hurtful and unnecessary.

 

Problem is once again, who are you to judge this? Who are you to judge what is too hurtful? Or what is necessary information? If my gf is making out with some dude, all the while I'm helping take care of her kids? Information about her cheating is definitely needed.

 

Such as, if this person decides to end it with him, she doesn't need to disclose this information, either. Because it wouldn't really be the reason for the break up. Probably the real reason she did this is because something is missing in the relationshp. But if she breaks up with him and tells him about this other guy, that's going to be his entire focus. And the truth is, the guy is a symptom of a larger problem.

 

The bottom line is he deserves to know if she is making out with other dudes behind his back.

 

If she can't tell this man what she did, she needs to stay the hell out of his life. You don't make a fool of a guy who has been kind enough to take care of children that aren't even his.

 

I'm sorry but to keep this info from your bf/gf is just asinine, and the people who convince themselves it is the right thing to do have truly done a number on themselves. The solution is do not cheat, and if you do, at least have enough balls to admit it.

 

To the OP, there really is no excuse for making out with another guy, so next time you're with someone, and they decide to be nice enough to help you out with your kids? Don't repay them by cheating on them ok? I don't care what is wrong with the relationship, I'd wager you aren't a mute and are capable of having conversations with other people.

[RecordProducer]

As I said before, I think you were attracted to another guy because there was something missing in your relationship with your ex-fiancé. I think you're starting to see where some of the problems begin and I'm so glad you didn't move in with him. You really did the right thing and have saved yourself a lot of misery. Very smart. You should be proud of yourself for making this decision.

I agree with Angel. I also think that Michelangelo's perspective gives you an idea of who your fiancé would feel later down the road.

 

I think marrying someone with whom you're NOT in love is a big mistake when regarding your happiness. I know he's a wonderful guy and he would be great to your kids, though. So you feel compelled to do the right thing for your kids. That's very motherly of you. From the moral point of view, you're being unfair to your fiancé. Someone pointed out that you're using him for your kids' happiness. I agree. You don't need this guy for yourself, since you don't truly love him. Your kids need a father figure and he would likely be a good one, but at what price? You wouldn't be happy. Would you? Only YOU can answer that question.

 

Happiness is a sum of many things: your kids' happiness, excitement, love, affection, sex, fun, caring, etc. Do you think you will be happy with your fiancé forever? Do you think that his relationship with the kids would make you happy? If you want to sacrifice for your children (which seems to me you were doing), then sacrifice till the end and be nice to him and faithful and loving. Can you do it? If you need to fake it, you cannot do it.

 

The other guy is completely irrelevant and as much as I understood, you just kissed him, so it's not really cheating.

[Angel1111]

If she can't tell this man what she did, she needs to stay the hell out of his life. You don't make a fool of a guy who has been kind enough to take care of children that aren't even his.

 

Well, she has decided to stay the hell out of his life, so that part is covered. The truth is, I don't know what kind of guy he is, and neither do you. I've known guys who do a lot of nice things on the surface but there are a lot of negative things tied to those nice things. Then again, maybe he's Superman, maybe he deserves the 'Boyfriend of the Year' award. I don't know. Despite all that, something wasn't right for her in this relationship so it needed to end. If he was pressuring her, this is the fallout from that.

 

I understand your reasoning on all the other things you said. Those are your opinions and they're neither right or wrong as far as I'm concerned. Everyone has their own take on things and the truth is, whenever you're in a relationship, you are subject to another person's decisions and choices, known or unknown.

[Spectre]

The other guy is completely irrelevant and as much as I understood, you just kissed him, so it's not really cheating.

 

Unless this was just a peck on the cheek, kissing is cheating.

[Spectre]

Well, she has decided to stay the hell out of his life, so that part is covered. The truth is, I don't know what kind of guy he is, and neither do you. I've known guys who do a lot of nice things on the surface but there are a lot of negative things tied to those nice things. Then again, maybe he's Superman, maybe he deserves the 'Boyfriend of the Year' award. I don't know. Despite all that, something wasn't right for her in this relationship so it needed to end. If he was pressuring her, this is the fallout from that.

 

Well, I have to assume the guy is at least decent, or else we most likely would of heard some complaints from her.

 

I understand your reasoning on all the other things you said. Those are your opinions and they're neither right or wrong as far as I'm concerned. Everyone has their own take on things and the truth is, whenever you're in a relationship, you are subject to another person's decisions and choices, known or unknown.

 

To me, if you care about someone you won't be making their choices for them about what they can and can't know. If you truly care about someone you would tell them the truth. Hell if you truly care about someone you wouldn't cheat on them. Cheating on someone and then feeling bad about it and saying it will never happen again really doesn't negate what you did.

[Angel1111]

Well, I have to assume the guy is at least decent, or else we most likely would of heard some complaints from her.

 

To me, if you care about someone you won't be making their choices for them about what they can and can't know. If you truly care about someone you would tell them the truth. Hell if you truly care about someone you wouldn't cheat on them. Cheating on someone and then feeling bad about it and saying it will never happen again really doesn't negate what you did.

 

She said enough things about him that I picked up on as potential red flags.

 

I personally don't worry about telling someone that I cheated on them because I wouldn't do it. So in my mind, it's a moot point. But there was a time when I was more likely to make dumb mistakes and then realize after the fact just how dumb they were. Sometimes people make choices for other people in order to protect that person. Ultimately, we don't control what other people decide.

 

In bonita's case, I don't know if she did it and then felt bad about it or not - she was confused by it, I think, and surprised she did it. Which indicated to me that she had misgivings about him. I'm not going to get hung up on the fact that she kissed another guy. The truth is, as you say, if she really cared about him, she wouldn't have done it. So there seemed to be a more immediate problem beyond the kissing thing.

[Dexter Morgan]

It is obvious that cheating is wrong! Telling your significant other about the cheating is another issue that we all feel differently about.

 

I have not told him about me kissing another guy, but you know what because of that I decided not to move in.

 

Hey, whatever spares this guy any pain, I'm all for it.

 

And if you continue with the idea that you shouldn't tell him, then you should be done with him for good. If you aren't going to be honest with him, then leave him alone and move on to the next guy.

 

 

My fiance apologized for being pushy about marriage and all. We are taking some time off, but eventually I will return the ring back.

My fiances father is in a final stage of cancer, I don't know when to find the right moment.

 

The right moment would have been when you told him you weren't moving in. The only reason to keep the ring is to give you a reason to stay in contact with him if even for a brief moment in the future.

 

 

And NO Iam not in any need of those Bad Boys

 

Did you just now come to that realization? Because thats not what you said earlier in this thread.

 

 

I found out that my fiance called my mother to seek for her advice, I was very upset to find this, because my parents do not need to be bothered by my personal issues.

 

Well when you don't completely break things off and hold on to the ring, what do you expect? The guy is confused and I suspect the way you handled it left him even more so.

[Gremio]

i really wouldn't worry about it...

 

I couldn't disagree with you any more! Horrible advice.

 

I hate to admit this, but when I was younger I was in a LTR with someone. One day she tells me she was over a friends house, and he advanced on her. They kissed and "nothing else happened". I was angered that she let herself be in the situation in the first place, especially since she didn't stop him. I was devastated. I decided to give her a second chance (which is against my own beliefs, but I was young at the time, I believe 19). Years go by, and towards the end she is acting differently again. She leaves me for someone else, has sex with him, then comes to me begging to take her back. I was done at that point. I actually felt hatred for someone, and for the first time I actually raised my voice to her when I never have since being with her for three years.

 

My point of saying this is that I've been there before. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

To the OP, I would absolutely tell him. I feel you are obligated to. I won't categorize you, but be forewarned I have experienced it. I hope you remain strong.

[bonita]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. by Gremio

 

I understand that you feel this way. If I was cheated on I would probably think the same. The difference between me and her is that I would not have sexual relationships with anyone, heck I don't even have any intimacy with a boyfriend until months after getting to know him.

 

Anyways, because every situation is different we should not generalize people into categories. This site is a good example...we categorize cheating, flirting, and jealousy, but every posting has it's own story, motives, personal beliefs, experiences, different ages, gender, etc.

 

but I was young at the time, I believe 19. by Gremio

 

Nicely put...yes we make many mistakes in our teenage years. I was also in a bad relationship during that period. I fell madly in love, and blinded by it I forgave my parner for MANY things. How ever I do not repent that I did so because from that relationship I have two wonderful children that changed my life. To forgive is to love. Of course their is a limit to everything.

 

I know my ex-fiancee would forgive me for kissing someone else, but I prefer to keep it to myself, the relationship will not advance. It is not cowardness for which I decide to withhold the incident, it is just not necessary at this point. I agree that if Iam going to continue in the relationship, then it is necessary.