wezol Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 I've been following this thread for a little bit and meant to chime in a little earlier but lost the time. Here is my take. To Angel1111 -You say that you would rather be left in the dark about something like that because you would make a bigger deal out of it than it really is. Do you know what integrity is? It's doing the right thing, when no one is looking. To be in a long term relationship takes integrity, respect, communication, and most of all love for one another. Is the reason you think you would make a bigger deal out of it because it IS a big deal? I believe cheating on any level is a huge deal, because that one piece of information can be life changing. By not telling the other person, you are robbing them of the choice they don't know they have. Plus, it's just selfish. I have been in a relationship for 3 years, engaged for almost a year now. We have both come along way, and it shows. I've been deployed now for 8 months, and I can sleep sound at night because I know that she has integrity, respect for herself, me, and what WE have worked so hard for together. The same goes for me, I would never cheat, or move into that "grey" area some people talk about. We have set boundries, and we don't cross them. I respect her, I respect what we have, and most importantly, I LOVE her. If you cheat, tell the other person, give them that choice. You owe it to the SO after the act you commited. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Once a cheater, always a cheater. by Gremio I understand that you feel this way. If I was cheated on I would probably think the same. The difference between me and her is that I would not have sexual relationships with anyone, heck I don't even have any intimacy with a boyfriend until months after getting to know him. You don't have to have sex for it to be considered cheating or to be considered a cheater. Anyways, because every situation is different we should not generalize people into categories. Either someone cheats, or they don't cheat. I know my ex-fiancee would forgive me for kissing someone else, but I prefer to keep it to myself Of course you do. You want to keep him in the dark. I thought you said you broke it off? You are still calling him your fiancee. You don't have any consequences to your actions, so you'll never learn. the relationship will not advance. I hope this means you are breaking it off completely. Because if you aren't going to be honest with him and keep this lie under your hat, you have no relationship and are not deserving of him. It is not cowardness for which I decide to withhold the incident, it is just not necessary at this point. I agree that if Iam going to continue in the relationship, then it is necessary. I somehow doubt you believe that and would make good on any insinuation that you would tell him if you decide to continue this relationship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 If you cheat, tell the other person, give them that choice. You owe it to the SO after the act you commited. Exactly. Well said. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayemtee Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 It'd be pretty sheisty and selfish to keep this guy in the dark. Link to post Share on other sites
Gremio Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Once a cheater, always a cheater. by Gremio I understand that you feel this way. If I was cheated on I would probably think the same. The difference between me and her is that I would not have sexual relationships with anyone, heck I don't even have any intimacy with a boyfriend until months after getting to know him. Anyways, because every situation is different we should not generalize people into categories. This site is a good example...we categorize cheating, flirting, and jealousy, but every posting has it's own story, motives, personal beliefs, experiences, different ages, gender, etc. but I was young at the time, I believe 19. by Gremio Nicely put...yes we make many mistakes in our teenage years. I was also in a bad relationship during that period. I fell madly in love, and blinded by it I forgave my parner for MANY things. How ever I do not repent that I did so because from that relationship I have two wonderful children that changed my life. To forgive is to love. Of course their is a limit to everything. I know my ex-fiancee would forgive me for kissing someone else, but I prefer to keep it to myself, the relationship will not advance. It is not cowardness for which I decide to withhold the incident, it is just not necessary at this point. I agree that if Iam going to continue in the relationship, then it is necessary. I agree with you bonita that no one can be categorized. My statements are mere majority. I do understand that people can possibly change, but they have to want to. Many cheaters say they will change, things will work, but deep down inside, they don't want to. They just want you to believe them. Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 My fiance cheated on me - in fact slept with someone 3 weeks before we married! It killed me when I found out. You have to tell him. He has a right to know. You would be entering into marriage and you have all the pieces to the puzzle - he doesn't. There was something written at one time that I read in which the WS is like the person with all the pieces to the puzzle. He/she knows the whole picture. The BS is missing pieces to the puzzle and when he/she questions the WS as to what went "here" or "there", they are told "it doesn't matter". wish I could find that info again, it made alot of sense. But anyway, he does need to know. I wish I would have known, I wouldn't have married him, bought a home together, and most importantly wasted years of my life with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bonita Posted December 10, 2008 Author Share Posted December 10, 2008 I am not marrying him. I do not feel any attraction for him only admiration. He wants to hold on to the relationship...possibly because he doesn't have the last piece to the puzzle. He has noticed my distance and do not want to hurt him. I cannot end it now, I like spending time with him and the holidays are just around the corner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I am not marrying him. I do not feel any attraction for him only admiration. He wants to hold on to the relationship...possibly because he doesn't have the last piece to the puzzle. He has noticed my distance and do not want to hurt him. I cannot end it now, I like spending time with him and the holidays are just around the corner. I agree that too much emotion is tied up with the holidays to do anything drastic right now. It's good that you're aware of your feelings. You'll know when the right time is to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
wezol Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I am not marrying him. I do not feel any attraction for him only admiration. He wants to hold on to the relationship...possibly because he doesn't have the last piece to the puzzle. He has noticed my distance and do not want to hurt him. I cannot end it now, I like spending time with him and the holidays are just around the corner. I disagree with this, I would rather be alone for the holidays than with someone like you. You like spending time with him so you are going to hold this information from him, because the holidays are just around the corner? I really cannot believe how selfish people can be sometimes. Do you ever put others feelings and well being ahead of yourself? Cause right now, you're not. All you care about is yourself and you have made that evident from your cheating, then keeping it from him so you dont have to be alone for the holidays.... Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I am not marrying him. I do not feel any attraction for him only admiration. He wants to hold on to the relationship...possibly because he doesn't have the last piece to the puzzle. He has noticed my distance and do not want to hurt him. I cannot end it now, I like spending time with him and the holidays are just around the corner. Then you are using him. Dangling a string in front of him. You can't tell him the truth and stop using him because you don't want to be alone for the holidays??? How utterly selfish and pathetic! I wish someone could go to him and tell him what is going on and how you are playing with him like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I wish someone could go to him and tell him what is going on and how you are playing with him like this. ...... Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 ...... how is that funny? Link to post Share on other sites
lovestruck818 Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Help! I am so confused and dont know what to do. Ive been with my Fiance for 1 yr and Im moving in with him in a couple of weeks. Marriage is postponed for maybe a couple of years because Im going to college, work full time, and I have 2 kids. By the way he has two of his own. My Fiance is a wonderful man he has pampered me, my family likes him, and most importantly I can trust him with my kids. Anyways, their is this guy that had caught my attention before i even met my Fiance. I knew this guy was married so I never thought about the possability of getting to meet him....but...just a few days ago we saw each other and began a healthy conversation that ended by switching phone #s. He told me that he is no longer with his wife and that he had been attracted to me too! At first I though to myself why now when Im engaged and just about to move in. THIS IS A TEST!!! THE TEMPTATION!!! Damn Im so very weak like much of us...one thing let to another. I met this guy at a place and we made out, it was wonderful. NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED! But, he did shake my lil heart. Here is where I need help...I dont know if I should also postpone moving in and think things thoroughly. My kids are very excited about moving in and so is my fiance. Im scared that i will fail as a bride to be. I have always been attracted to the bad guys, now that I have the best I dont know if I should just move in with my fiance and see what happens. Remember I have two kids...I want the best for my children too! You don't deserve to have anyone love you if you are going to cheat on him. I would kill to have someone make me his world and I don't believe in cheating and I can't seem to find that. You have no idea how lucky you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 how is that funny? Well, because you started your phrase with "I wish" which sounded kind of school yard like, together with your perceived irritation when you said it, together with the fact that what you wish for is for some gossip to happen, together with the fact that the husband is assumed not to be able to figure out the situation he is in.. I thought it was funny in a cute kind of way. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 Well, because you started your phrase with "I wish" which sounded kind of school yard like, together with your perceived irritation when you said it, together with the fact that what you wish for is for some gossip to happen Wish for some gossip? Uh....ok:confused: I am wishing someone would tell this guy the truth so she isn't able to use him any longer. has nothing to do with gossip. together with the fact that the husband is assumed not to be able to figure out the situation he is in.. What husband?? Link to post Share on other sites
tomswife Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 You are one screwed up ***** seek therapy before you can even think of starting a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bonita Posted December 14, 2008 Author Share Posted December 14, 2008 I disagree with this, I would rather be alone for the holidays than with someone like you. You like spending time with him so you are going to hold this information from him, because the holidays are just around the corner? I really cannot believe how selfish people can be sometimes. Do you ever put others feelings and well being ahead of yourself? Cause right now, you're not. All you care about is yourself and you have made that evident from your cheating, then keeping it from him so you dont have to be alone for the holidays.... I guess I forgot to say that it is difficult to leave him now beacuse he does not have a family to be with during the holidays, I do. The only person Im thinking of now is him. Do you really believe that I should just tell him to go to hell and that would make me a better person? No way! I know who I am, and Im not a heartless person as many of you might think. I care for him, and I would have loved to have fallen head over heels for him, but I don't possess that kind of magic. Derek, I sence that you don't like me very much, not that their is any reason why you should. Remember, that many of us post our problems here because we need some advice. You only know my side of the story, where I could have painter myself as the victim and made him seem like an awful person, but their is no need for that. So you wish their would be someone that would know him to tell him? The mistake of kissing another guy does not make me a lesser woman, I wasn't a saint after all, non of us are. Will I learn from that mistake...heck yeah! Bonita 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bonita Posted December 14, 2008 Author Share Posted December 14, 2008 When I said Derek, I meant Dexter Morgan in the previous posting. Im not here to make friends, but I like the advice Angel has given me. Thanks for understanding! Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 I'm glad I could help. I understand where you're coming from and, yeah, I know you could've painted a different picture. But you didn't really need to do that and it's not relevant. I'm sure you'd love to change things and feel great about this relationship. You're doing the right thing and handling it in the most humane way. Most people can't accept human nature because they want the world to be black and white - and it never will be. Kissing another guy isn't the real issue here but as soon as that comes up, most people just can't see past it and discuss the actual problem. It's ok, though, you know what you're doing and you know who you are. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 I guess I forgot to say that it is difficult to leave him now beacuse he does not have a family to be with during the holidays, I do. The only person Im thinking of now is him. Oh puuulease. Will I learn from that mistake...heck yeah! Will you learn from your "mistake", you mean the "mistake" you did because you wanted to? Heck no, because you won't face the consequences of your actions are won't tell him the truth, and then use him for the holidays. Despicable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bonita Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 Oh puuulease. Will you learn from your "mistake", you mean the "mistake" you did because you wanted to? Heck no, because you won't face the consequences of your actions are won't tell him the truth, and then use him for the holidays. Despicable. You brought some laughter into my day...thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 You brought some laughter into my day...thanks. I'm sure I did since what you are doing to this guy is a joke to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I am just curious but would you want someone to do to you what you are doing to him? Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Usually Im for telling but if you really are over the relationship and the two of you are not going to stay together, then I say don't tell. You also need to cut all contact with him because I m sure you are leading him on. Also I don't buy the Im spending the holiday's with him because he is lonely. Im sure to some degree you enjoy having him there whether its for you or your kids. Either way leading him on is very selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
nittanylion Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 You should wait till after the holiday to tell him the whole truth nothing but the true. You have 2 choices, 1) leave him so he could find a decent person who does not cheat. 2) BOTH of you go to seek professional help. I hope u make the rite choice for both of your sake. Link to post Share on other sites
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