Re-explain things? or just let it go now?

[Sakura Blossom]

Hey guys.

I'll try to keep this short. Hopefully..

I broke up with my boyfriend about a month and a half ago because I felt we were headed in different directions and that the timing was just off. Or so I thought at the time. We broke it off amiably, with him thinking I still cared for him and loved him and that it really was timing and other complications in my life that was keeping us apart. So we decided to keep in touch from time to time and see each other sometimes. But that we were no longer attached to one another and were free to date others. And that once that happened, there would be no bullsh*t emotions going on. We would then really give our all to our partners and if we couldn't let go of our feelings toward each other, we'd make a clean break. Not fair to anybody if we continued to be in touch otherwise.

 

But with some time to deal with my emotions and calm down a bit, I realize there was a harsher truth to why I broke up with him. I guess I really just didn't know why at the time or I didn't want to admit it to myself. I just didn't trust that he would make me happy. There were just things about him that made me wary. Yes, timing had to do with it. I wasn't just giving excuses, but I know that if that was the only thing I would have tried harder to work it out. But sadly I realize it's not.

 

I'd like to stay pals with him, after all this weirdness blows over, but maybe that may be asking for too much. The thing is, do you think I need to sit him down and tell him "look this is actually why I broke up with you. I am sorry I didn't see it then but it is clear to me now. I don't want to give you the false impression that I still want to be with you."

At the moment I haven't been contacting him at all. I don't want to lead him on at this sensitive point in time. Do you think he'll just catch on that I don't want to be with him anymore if I just keep laying low for awhile?

If he asks me what's going on, I will tell him the truth. But I am just wondering if it will be just too weird if out of the blue I blurt this out to him and cause more of a commotion.

 

What do you think I should do? I am 100% sure now that I don't want to be with him romantically, so I know for sure I am not giving myself false hopes either.

 

Thanks a lot. And I wish I had more relationship maturity sometimes. But I am learning....good day.

[snowandwind]

You may not want to make the same mistake in the future. That's enough. I guess you unconsciously want to hear from some of us saying "Go ahead! Go back to him!" But my advice is "Let it go and move on in your life."

 

You said you're 100 % sure that you're not inclined to him romantically. But who can be sure of own emotion which is fluctuating every second? Perhaps in your inmost heart, you might want him back. Your saying of 'staying pals' sounds 'returning to where you used to be with him. That's perhaps why you came to think of sitting him down and explain what had been going on at that time.

 

If your ex had wanted you back or at least had you as a friend, he would have done some other things that clearly indicated his intension. But it seems not.

 

It's time to take courage and move on, Blossom!

[midori]

I think it's great that you're trying to be so thoughtful of your ex. The last relationship I was in was similar in that I knew this guy wasn't the right one for me. I was very busy at the time, and it would have been easy to attribute breaking up with him to a lack of time and energy ... but I knew that wasn't the case.

 

So I leveled with him. I tried to make it easier on his pride by acknowledging that, with our busy schedules, we didn't have much time to really get to know each other. That ended up backfiring, because he thought that all we needed to do was spend more time together "as friends" and soon we'd be back on track romantically.

 

Citing extenuating circumstances can definitely encourage the dumpee to believe that if things were different, the romance would be fine. But it sounds like you're saying that this guy wouldn't be right for you in any circumstances, so he should abandon all hope.

 

The thing is, for all you know he has abandoned all hope. If he's not keeping in touch that's a pretty good sign that he's moving on. Or at least protecting his feelings because he knows that he has to move on. I think forcing the issue, without being asked, would be presumptuous and unnecessarily harsh.

 

But if he shows signs of not accepting the finality of the break-up then by all means yes, you should let him know where you're really coming from.

[Sakura Blossom]

Wow thanks midori and snowandwind. And snowandwind, you definitely hit the mark on the stuff I have been feeling, unconscious or not. It was quite confusing.

 

But now I know what I want. And it's not him. And I mean it when I say I want to be pals with him later on. This will take a lot of time and space from each other before we can be comfortable doing that, I know. But though perhaps I had other motives for wanting to stay in touch and be friends with him before, I know that's not the case now. Romantic feelings thrown aside, he was a great friend and I don't want to lose that. And I know I was a great friend to him too. Perhaps this is just impossible and I am being selfish. I am confident that I can do it, but it doesn't mean he is you know? So if it just isn't going to work, then I know a clean break is best. But I would like to think it would work..anyway.

 

"If your ex had wanted you back or at least had you as a friend, he would have done some other things that clearly indicated his intension. But it seems not. "

 

One of the reasons that got me all in a turmoil whether to just sit him down again and re explain things besides my own confusions was because he did keep in touch with me after the break up. And NOT to be friends and move on. He said things like "I still think of you, you know. You seem fine. That's good..I guess..." and "for someone who really wants to be with someone you sure give up easily." (that got me feeling really guilty.) And then the thing he said that got me going "oh no..": "If being friends means I can be by your side, then I'll accept being friends with you." He called, messaged, tried to meet up.

That is not what I want. When I mean be friends, I mean be friends. Mutually. From both sides. And I realized...if this was the way he was going to think forever, then we just couldn't be in touch.

 

So I started to distance myself. Lay low. Not go online much. Kept the conversations short and polite if he called, didnt see him, kept busy. He has started to contact me less, and nowadays not much from him at all. I hope, and I do mean this! tee hee not trying to justify anything here, that perhaps he has gotten the point without me having to tell him?

I know we can get to talking again if this whole thing has blown over, and he can truly just regard me as a pal as well. But if that day doesn't come, though it sucks to lose a friend, this is the way it will have to be. Can't expect everything to work right?

 

I just feel terrible for inadvertently, well, leading him on because I was the one who couldn't figure out what I was really thinking. I caused someone else confusion in the process. I certainly learned my lesson, and I hope I never do this again to anyone.

But seeing that he is not contacting me much anymore, I may look like a fool just blurting this out right now. If he starts talking about this thing again, then I will have to be direct and tell him exactly what I told you.

 

Let me know if there is anything more you want to say.

 

Well, coming here has cleared up my head a lot. Good day.