Questioning my decision to save the marriage and seriously considering divorce

[scared2d]

My wife has been contemplating divorce (at least openly) for a couple of weeks now. Yesterday I received an e-mail from a mutual friend telling me to ask certain questions. I had already suspected an affair, but this pretty much confirmed it so I confronted her about it. Naturally she lied until she finally saw that I would not accept the lies, at which point she begrudgingly admitted the affair (she says that it was only an emotional affair with no physical contact, but she is so dishonest about any questions that I ask her in-regards to the affair I do not know for sure). After a talking about it all night and all day, I finally decided to try and forgive her and save our marriage.

 

Here lies the problem. The three things that I told her that I needed to move forward were: 1. for her to totally give up this other guy and stop all contact. 2. For her to totally commit to me and our marriage. 3. For her to be totally honest about the affair and the events surrounding it, as well as all other aspects of our lives.

 

To this point, she can not say with any conviction that she will let this other guy go. When I try to press it, she says that she is giving him up, but if in a month or two she is not getting what she needs, who knows.... She says that she will commit herself to the marriage, but she will never look me in the eye when she says it, and she does not say it with any conviction. Although I do not know what has transpired between them, when I ask her simple questions like "Is he attractive?" she dodges them and says she never considered it, so obviously she is not being honest about the relationship much less anything else. On top of this, she told me today that I could not get upset in front of her anymore because it made me look weak and made her angry. She also told me that although she knows it will take some time to earn my trust back and gain forgiveness, she would only be patient in allowing me that time for so long (I just found out about the affair 2 days ago). She has also taken on the role of the victim in all of this, and has really been laying it on how much I caused it (not accepting any responsibility although she claims she is)To top it off, she is not ready to be intimate with me yet (I know I may be rushing that one, but I really need the affirmation of the commitment especially with all of the above).

 

So now, I am questioning my decision to try and save the marriage and am seriously considering asking her to leave tomorrow. I'm 35 years old and we have been together 20 years (been married 18 in Feb.). How can I give up on everything we have been through and shared? How can I move forward when she is obviously not committed to the relationship. I cannot do what it takes to rebuild out love and intimacy (if we ever had true intimacy) knowing that she is keeping him handy as a safety net?

 

I'm sorry this is so long, but I could really use some advice before I make an irreversible decision. What do I do? Is it worth fighting for or is it time to give up? She does not want to see a counscelor, but we definitely need a third party mediator to help her see how nonproductive her reactions are. If it comes from me it just sounds like an attack or an unwillingness to forgive.

[CompletelyLost]

Scared,

 

I'm deeply sorry to hear about your situation, and I hope that you are able to work things through with your wife. Having been on both sides of this situation (my wife had a long-term affair several sears ago, and I recently had an affair), I can say that it won't be easy to work through, but it is possible. Probably the most important thing you can do is to not be confrontational when dealing with your wife. Both of you have to address the real issues, without letting things degenerate into the 'blame game'. She needs to know how you feel, and you need to find out how she feels, but questions like "Is he attractive" will not help, as it will immediately put her on the defensive. I highly recommend that at least you talk to a counselor. If she won't, then she won't, but you can do yourself a world of good, both in dealing with issues internally, and with learning how to communicate with your wife without starting an argument.

 

At this point, your wife won't be able to say that she can give up this other guy, especially if it was more of an emotional affair than a physical affair. If she does agree to it, I would be very suspicious. If you press her too much to immediately and completely stop contact, she will probably just try to hide her contact with him.

 

Before you decide to ask your wife to leave, get some counseling for yourself. You have to decide if your marriage is worth saving, no one else can make that judgment for you. But, before you make that decision, you need to be able to think about it as objectively as possible. Even if you decide that you want to rebuild your marriage, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that your wife won't be committed to it. Even if she is, rebuilding intimacy will take a long time, and rebuilding trust will take much longer. As far as rebuilding trust goes, there is only so much that she is going to be able to do to help you with that, beyond that, it becomes a conscious decision on your part to trust her.

 

To begin rebuilding, you do need her to be honest - and you need to be honest with her - about what aspects of your marriage need work. You need to talk about the issues that led to the affair, and to find out why she felt that he could provide things that you couldn't. However, I really think that you need to stay away from asking for details about the affair. Trust me, you really don't want to know, all it will do is cause you more pain, and further delay any restoration of trust.

 

In summary, get counseling for yourself, really talk - and LISTEN - to your wife, don't be confrontational with her, and give yourself time to make the right decision about whether or not to continue the marriage. Don't make any decisions until you, and preferably your wife as well, have had counseling.

 

Best wishes, take care of yourself, and keep your head up.

[vaughan]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been there and understand your desire to make things work. The problem is, in my opinion, she does not seem to share this desire. If she were willing to work on the marriage, she would 1) take responsibility for what she did 2) try to comfort you 3) agree to counseling and 4) give you all the room to express your hurt and answer all of your questions. You deserve all of these things and should not settle for less. I do not think you will be happy if she keeps this frame of mind.

 

You also mentioned she was talking about divorce before you even found out about the affair. What do you think changed her mind if it is not too painful to ask? My heart goes out to you because it will be so hard to move on and only you know when that time is. It is the hardest thing in the world to accept someone you love may not love you back. It took me five years to get it through my thick head. Listen to your gut. You will know what to do. I hope I have not offended you in any way.

[HokeyReligions]

Don't wait for her to agree to go to counseling with you -- YOU GO. Friends can give you advice or tell you what questions to ask, but that is not helping you. You need professional help, someone totally outside of the situation, to help you sort out your feels and decide which path to take, and help you move along that path.

[scared2d]

Well an update... We had a "discussion" this morning, wish I had seen these replies beofre hand. I was very conforntational, and pretty much told her that I could not continue if she could not commit. Now she has withdrawn into a shell and things are worse beteen us. I did finally get her to agree to counscilling and have an apointment Tuesday (it is going to be a very long weekend), so that is something and helps me have some hope that she is willing to work at it.

 

When she originally was talking about divorce, it was because of the affair. Oddly enough, I discovered the affair the day that she decidded to work it out with me, so that just through a monkey wrench into everything. I almost wish that I had not confronted her about it and allowed us to work through the basic problems before having to deal with all of this. I know I could not have continued long with the knowledge, but it is still hard not to seccond guess. I really appreciate the responses, maybe there is hope yet.

[vaughan]

scared,

 

I am so glad she decided to go to counseling with you and I hope things get better. I am sorry your discussion left you feeling worse about the situation. You are going through something very painful and full of all kid of emotions. So I agree with everyone else, counseling is the best option for you and hopefully her.

 

I am sorry if my earlier post had to much "advise" it in. Stay strong and true to yourself and things will get better. Take care.

[scared2d]

vaughan,

 

No problem, I need all of the advice I can get. It is my responsibility to take it all in and make the decisions that I need to survive this. We both (me and my wife) have done and not done many things to destroy our marriage. Half of the time that she was contemplating divorce (before discovering the affair) I was hoping that she would decide to leave. Sometime along the way I realized I really loved her and needed her in my life. Unfortunately, this just made the knowledge of the affair that much more harmful to me. If I was still where I initially was, I would only have to deal with the normal male hang-ups of hating to lose and have something taken from me by another man. Then again, I never had any doubt that I would end it totally and instantly if I ever found she had an affair. If I had not rediscovered that love, I could never have come to the decision of wanting to forgive and continue on. I'm not sure if my actions today will help or hurt the chances of reconciliation, but I figure it has gotten her to agree to counseling. Even if we end of deciding on divorce, hopefully through council we will both be in a better place to be able to handle that. If it helps us resolve the issues, then I may gain the wife I never have had but have always wanted/needed.

[Honey]

Hi,

 

I'm married with children , I have been cheating on my husband for about 3 years now. It's with my best friend, He has been my best friend for 10 years and then it just happened. I left my husband about 9 months ago but he talk me into moving back in I was gone for about a week and then I moved back for the kids , I love my husband , but I love my best friend and we think alike , we like the something , he loves my kids, my kids like him , my husband don't know about us crossing the line. He doesn't like me being friends with him. I don't know what to do? Left my husband or forget my best friend?