bstew Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years and have 3 kids. We had 2 girls first and welcomed a boy to the family last summer. The day after my son was born he proposed to me in the hospital. I was completely shocked and extremely happy as he had never had anything good to say about marriage. After the engagement alot of people asked when we were to be married and he started getting angry about it and told me it was none of their business. I got angry one night and asked him what the problem was and he said that he doesn't think I should be entiltled to half of his stuff when a lot of it was given to him by his parents and he works hard to deserve it. Me on the other hand haven't financially contributed as I stay at home with the kids- per his request! I am very close with his parents and they know he feels this way and don't understand it either. I told him I would sign a pre-nup if that's what he wants but he said that any good lawyer could get around that. It's not like he's loaded or anything- he is taking over his dad's small company { which i signed away my rights too} and will one day inherit the farm land and house. I feel like giving the ring back and pretending there never was one. I heard him tell his friend on the phone one night that he knew I wanted to get married one day and that since I gave him a boy he would give me what I want. How can I marry him knowing that his heart really isn't into it? I also wonder if he is actually "in love" with me as trust should come with that right? I have changed since I was 16- grew up and grew wider {LOL} but because I am 5 years younger he looks at me like someone who he needs to guide through life not an equal partner. When I try to talk to him about this he turns it around and makes me feel like an idiot. It's easy enough to keep pretending everything is fine so that the kids can have a stable mom and dad home but secretly I want so much more from him. Do you think he had a moment of happiness when he got his baby boy and wishes he could take back the engagement? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 Do you love him? Is there any reason why you want to marry him aside from just having 3 kids with him, which you already are raising together? Keep the ring. It was a gift. I heard him tell his friend on the phone one night that he knew I wanted to get married one day and that since I gave him a boy he would give me what I want Maybe consider dumping the bf, if you really think the only reason he would marry you is because he values your son so much more than your daughters. How can I marry him knowing that his heart really isn't into it? You shouldn't. Maybe if you tell him that, he'll stop thinking he has you any way he wants you. Link to post Share on other sites
LovieDove24 Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 This guy sounds like a Grade A a-hole if you ask me. He is acting like he is doing you a favor by proposing to you. WRONG. Sorry but the fact that he is talking like its the friggen 1700's up in here...saying he's greatful you "gave him" a boy, its just ridiculous. I realize you must feel very stuck. He is the father to your three children. But if you ever want to be happy it surely will not be with this guy. Rally around a support system so you can move out and move on. You do not deserve a guy who feels like he is doing you favors and thinks he needs to "teach" you life lessons. Link to post Share on other sites
Viking Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 Ten years, three kids and no wedding. Which of those wasn't a big enough sign and slap with the reality stick that he doesn't want to be with you F O R E V E R ? Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 I'd be less concerned about a proposal and more concerned about you and your children's futures. Do you and your children have health insurance? Has your boyfriend made your children the beneficiaries of his insurance and his assets? What happens to you and your children should your boyfriend end the relationship? Do you believe your boyfriend will still allow you to live in 'his' house? Would he even be willing to help you out until you could find a place to live and employment? I think he'd be even less supportive of you than he is now (because he believes being a full time parent to three kids is a breeze ). I'd suggest finding a good job, saving as much money as you can and taking a hard look at this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Joyvke Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Ten years, three kids and no wedding. Which of those wasn't a big enough sign and slap with the reality stick that he doesn't want to be with you F O R E V E R ? Some people don't NEED a ring to know they want to be with someone F O R E V E R. Talk about being shallow, my god. Did you know people nowadays break up sooner AFTER they actually get married, often because the guy feels he is too tied up. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 Ten years, three kids and no wedding. Which of those wasn't a big enough sign and slap with the reality stick that he doesn't want to be with you F O R E V E R ? Hmm.. interesting point. What is "forever" anyway? 10 years together is far longer then most marriages (in todays day) last. You've beaten all my friends marriages. And you've beaten my previous marriage. Statistically, first marriages end in divorce at about the 10 - 11 year mark. If you last another 1 to 2 years, then in essence you've already reached the "forever" point. If you break up now... then you've had a typical marriage, complete with ring (just no ceremony). I can understand how you'd feel that a marriage ceremony would show he's commited, but (IME) men don't work that way. They show commitment through action, not through words. i.e. he comes home every night to the woman he loves. He helps raise the kids. He goes out and works every day to earn enough to keep a roof over your heads and food in your bellies (probably at a job he's not happy with). Maybe I see it differently. Maybe I put more stock in actions then words. But it's damn easy to hand someone a ring and say your commited, and a hell of a lot harder to spend every minute of every day for the next 10 years proving your commited. There aren't many men around that can actually do that. So while your bf is a louse for not proposing when he knows it's what you want, I think you're ignoring the important things and focusing too hard on something that is only supposed to be a symbol of commitment and not the actual act of it. I suppose that's not the point though.. It's how he acts regarding integrating you into his life. He seems resentful and angry. Go to marriage (or couples) counseling before you even attempt to tackle the marriage issue. You won't win if you push the marriage idea. One last thing... I know you said he wanted you to stay home and care for the children, but that type of situation can really make the person working feel resentful and taken advantage of. Your post made it sound as if you would rather be working then staying at home with the kids... maybe now would be a good time to start looking for employment? I know when I'm the one paying all the bills it would really make me frustrated when my SO wasn't contributing in a way that could be physically measured. Try to put yourself in his shoes for a while... see how it feels. If you can't do that (kids are too young) then at the very least tell him how much you appreciate the opportunity he is giving you by paying all the bills so you can focus on the kids. You doing your kids the biggest favor in the world and it's the greatest thing you can do for them... but it's for the kids, not as a favor to your bf. Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleS1983 Posted December 6, 2008 Share Posted December 6, 2008 Some people don't NEED a ring to know they want to be with someone F O R E V E R. Talk about being shallow, my god. Did you ever stop to think that JUST MAYBE some people have religious beliefs and prefer the sanctity of marriage? Every single post of yours on this board is so negative. It's obvious YOU don't want to get married - just because other people DO doesn't make them shallow. Jesus. To the original poster, stop having kids with this a*sshole. I personally would never be some man's incubator if I weren't married to him. That was your FIRST mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
mrose2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Share Posted December 6, 2008 what an a**hole...He needs a good kick in the a**...He must think a lot of himself..My mom was a SAHM and my dad always said she had the hardest job and deserved to get paid well for it....Tell him you want to start getting paid for staying home..or go to work and give him a dose of his own medicine..start making him do the stuff around the house and take care of the kids...You deserve to be married ..... Link to post Share on other sites
mrose2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Share Posted December 6, 2008 FYI personally I wanted that ring..and I got it...My husband also wanted me to have it...So if that makes me shallow so be it...I even picked out my own engagement ring because he said i knew more about diamonds than he did and he wanted me to have what I wanted...the only thing was he set a limit on the amount I could spend..Having a nice ring does not make you shallow... Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted December 7, 2008 Share Posted December 7, 2008 Some people can have lifelong, fulfilling relationships without a wedding, and it is possible that you may be one of those couples. However, there are several things that bother me from your post: "I got angry one night and asked him what the problem was and he said that he doesn't think I should be entiltled to half of his stuff when a lot of it was given to him by his parents and he works hard to deserve it." This says to me that he is not in the lifetime partnership frame of mind. What's his is his. It makes him sound materialistic and selfish, too. Perhaps if you shared more about his relationship with his children, this may help me put this into context. Does he equate money/gifts with love. Does he place an overemphasis on money issues? Like I said, I do not think he has the maturity to enter into a partnership that would be financial, as well as emotional. "that since I gave him a boy he would give me what I want" This really unnerves me! For so many reasons. 1) It suggests he values men over women. I also would guess the power in your relationship is all on his side. 2) I feel really sorry for your little girls knowing that your husband loves his son more. Thinking of them growing up like that makes me so sad. 3) Marriage is not something that involves a bartering system. Tit for tat, an eye for an eye. Often, it does involve compromise, but your convictions should not be one of them. If he cannot commit to you without a son, why should he commit with one? 4) I feel like he has very little respect for your desires and needs. Well, take this as you will. I think you should consider seriously what his behavior reveals about his feelings for you, his relationship with you and his children and your future if you stay with him (with or without marriage). Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 When you say he doesn't want you to be entitled to half of his "stuff"...are you talking about assets like a house, retirement savings, etc.? Or are you talking about things he has bought like a car, stereo, TV? Does he understand that if you left he would be paying you most of his income in child support? Do you realize that without benefit of marriage his assets (if any) should be left to you in a legal will or the children and you will be very very short changed by the state. You dont HAVE to get married, but really, with 3 kids with a partner of 10 years.....it just sounds like once those kids turn 18, you'll be out and on your own. It leaves you with a very unsecure future. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Are your legal rights not similar to that of a married couple seeing as you have lived together for more than two years and have two kids together? Where I live, if a couple lives together for more than two years and if they have children together, its almost as legally binding as if they were married, especially when it comes to splitting assets should the couple split up. If your H wants you to be a stay-at-home-mom, therefore preventing you from earning money to accumulate assets of your own, BUT won't share his assets with you in the event of a split, then he is being unfair and his perception of "sharing" is a little skewed. I am pretty sure that most modern legal systems see it differently to your BF too. A little wakeup call to the intricacies of modern family law wouldn't hurt your BF. He doesn't sound like a bad person per se, but he does sound a little old fashioned and traditional in some of his views, yet not in others. As Walk says, he still comes home to you and the kids every day and supports you. I think couples counselling is a great idea, but he doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who would go for it? Link to post Share on other sites
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