33-yr-old wife is at a crossroads: have kids or get divorced

[Fearful Wife]

You have all been so kind with SingleDad, I hope you might have words of wisdom for me as well.

 

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 8. We're at that stage where we both want children, but I’m not sure our marriage is working. I'm horribly torn about whether to just go for it re: kids, or to separate and try to create different lives with other people.

 

We started going to MC about a year after our wedding. We had just gotten back from a two-week trip during which we hadn't had sex once, and I knew something was wrong. How could I not desire my husband—and in fact dread sex with him—when we’d only been married a year? And if I was truthful, I didn’t want to have sex with him on our honeymoon, or for the year before our marriage. Our sex wasn’t good from the beginning. But before my husband I had always had good experiences, so I thought things would get better. They didn’t, and the tension was always more obvious when we traveled.

 

One day soon after we returned from this trip, someone flirted with me—something my husband never did—and for the first time in years I remembered what sexual attraction was supposed to feel like. I considered divorce then for the first time. I was already struggling with my commitment. As a way to save our marriage, I thought maybe we should open it. When I brought this up, H was horribly hurt and reacted with a decisive no. But something had to be done, and I didn’t know what, so I told H that I had these feelings in me that made me want to have an affair. Of course he was terribly, terribly hurt. And I still can’t believe I was driven to say that, to cause him that pain.

 

What I meant but couldn’t articulate at the time was that we needed a better sex life. MC helped enormously. In MC we learned my H was repressed sexually in part because he had had painful early sexual experiences. For him, sex was a shameful thing to be done only in the bedroom as quickly as possible. He was uncomfortable exhibiting affection, and didn’t know how to flirt, and my attempts to encourage him or draw him out only made him retreat more. He also suffered from premature ejaculation. I took care to always respond by saying, “It’s okay, I still had a good time.” It wasn’t true, but I was afraid of hurting him and didn’t know how to express my needs.

 

Finally with MC, we were able to realize our sex life needed work. I learned where his PE came from, and he began work on himself to enjoy sex more and help me enjoy it more. After perhaps a year of MC and hard work and patience, H is a generous, creative, and patient lover. But I still don’t desire him. Before my marriage, I didn’t believe in chemistry. I thought it was a euphemism for energy and creativity. I thought we could improve. After almost 10 years together, I fear I am ready to give up. I fear we are together out of codependency.

 

You might ask, is it just the sex? No, of course not, there is more. He is a staunch conservative, reserved and traditional, while I came from freethinking and freewheeling hippie parents who divorced when I was 7. My strong independent mom raised me, and a part of me hates to depend on my H and his family so much, while another part of me feels so relieved to have the financial stability my family didn’t have growing up. In adopting his family as my own, I’ve changed a lot. He encouraged me to dress more conservatively, so I did. He encouraged me to vote differently, to go to church although I didn’t growing up. I acquiesced because why not? I was curious and interested and ready to follow suit if it meant being more like one of his family. But I started to lose myself and feel fake. In MC, I realized that I sacrificed a lot of who I am, so I started to take back my identity in small ways. Like wearing clothes I wanted to wear, not go to church sometimes, not go to the museum sometimes, reconnect with my friends. I sense that my H disapproves sometime, but he knows I can’t be happy if he forces me to do what he likes.

 

Though we didn't fall in love in the traditional way, with fireworks, we recognized that we could help each other, or "complete" each other, in different ways. We were both looking for stability and family, and we met each other at our points of need, and to a certain extent we still do.

 

He is an artist, I am proactive. We both work hard and long hours, but work in media and entertainment, industries in which people don’t make a lot of money. Emotionally and financially, we still offer each other the security and stability that makes our marriage seem strong and good to people on the outside. As the pragmatic one, I help H with his business and encourage his art.

 

He comes from a wealthy family, and his parents helped us buy our home. We found and bought it six months before our wedding, and the title is in his name and their names. I did not contribute to the down payment or to the work done before we moved in but I have been contributing to the mortgage.

 

I left home at 18 and was completely independent after that, but also very poor, until I got married. I was so relieved to finally be safe and secure and stable. I fear giving that up. If we were to have children, I know they would be taken care of.

 

My parents themselves got divorced after 10 years—it was the best thing they ever did for us—but I don’t want to be someone who follows my parents’ patterns (my father also did 10 years and two more kids with his second wife and is now on his third wife).

 

Please help me, what do you think I should do? Is there anything I’m forgetting to consider?

[Storyrider]

Your marriage is almost identical to mine, with a few variations...

 

I haven't posted about it recently, but you can look at my thread history if you're curious. I don't have the answers, but having kids isn't going to make it better.

[Storyrider]

Here's a couple of threads:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t112933/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t122816/

[Fearful Wife]

Storyrider, thank you so much. I just read your "He thinks our sex probs are 90% me" thread and it is so comforting to know I am not alone in this. I take it you are still married. What have you done about your sex life since 2007?

[imagine]

Good for you coming here to say how you feel.

 

Marriages die if needs are NOT expressed to ones partner.

The trick is... getting their attention.

 

I have heard solid responses from those that have attended Marriage Builder weekend. Check out the marriagebuilders.com web for the details.

 

Please continue to read the articles at the MB site. Awesome.

[Fearful Wife]

Thank you so much for your warm welcome, Imagine. I've looked a lot at marriagebuilders.com though we haven't attended a weekend. H has been in IC for years and I did it for about two years as well, plus our MC. We actually communicate well and have talked about our troubles and my doubts. I honestly believe we would both be happier with other people. But we are scared motionless to change the status quo, what with the rocky economy and our co-dependency. Plus we both yearn for children and my great fear is that if we break up, I won't have any. Or that I will have them with someone else who is also not right. Like Storyrider's H, mine is an angel: a giving, caring, generous, loving man who will be a wonderful father. But I think his wife should be a conservative, church-going, Republican woman who likes to spend time alone or going on long hiking trips. Instead he has a social, outgoing city girl who would in general rather get together with friends than go hiking. Also, I love the city where we live, but I know he wants to move eventually. He would be happiest in a cabin in the country, surrounded by his children and free to do his art. While I would go nuts in that environment. I need the city, I love my neighbors, and I am not prepared to move. I moved so much as a child. Our city is the longest places I've ever lived--10 years--and I have made it my home. I feel more loyal to my city than I do to my H. If we do have kids, I want us both to sign an agreement in which we promise to never ask for more than 50% custody in the event of a separation or divorce. One of my fears is that we have kids, then break up, and he and his family try to take them from me.

[Angel1111]

The two of you have opposite traits that probably compliment one another. He probably would not be interested in someone who's more like him. He was probably attracted to you because you're so different from him. If he wants to live in the country and you like the city, I'm sure there's a compromise in there somewhere. Keep the city place and go there occasionally. Or get a place in the country that the two of you can go to on weekends. If you end up having kids, they would love that.

 

I've heard it said that a person's highest priority is security. And that explains why you're so torn about this - because you would be giving up your security. Which is a valid concern because it is no fun living in survival mode all the time. He doesn't sound like a bad guy and doesn't sound controlling so I can see why you're so torn about this.

 

I don't really have anything to offer in terms of a solution to this, or advice on what you should do. I know the chemistry and romance stuff is really nice but there are no guarantees that you'll find that and you may be walking away from something that, for the most part, seems to work pretty well. He sounds like a solid guy who wouldn't desert you and the kids (if you have them), and he seems like he's pretty introspective. I mean, there are obviously some things missing here, but there are a lot of good things, too. I would'nt be too quick to diminish those things. You're not going to have everything in any relationship.

[Fearful Wife]

Thank you, Angel. That is why we have lasted more than 8 years. He is so kind and good, and the security is so important, he is hard to give up. But I respect him so much that I want him to have a wife who will want him sexually instead of a wife who looks elsewhere all the time. Passion is important to me, and when I feel attracted to other men who are not my H, I feel like a fraud. Is it wrong to use your spouse for security?

 

Reading Storyrider's and other threads, I wonder how Ocean finally got out of her LTR, and I wonder what happened to Grmpy, whose wife wasn't attracted to him. I don't want my husband to resent me like that.

[Valdar]

I thought I should post here since you offered me some insight on my board. My advice won't be nearly as good.

 

When my wife was attracted to other men the only thing that made me feel better was her having sex me. It showed me that even though she may be attracted to someone else she still wanted to be with me. But in our situation she still had a very strong physical attraction to me, so it was slightly different.

[Storyrider]

Storyrider, thank you so much. I just read your "He thinks our sex probs are 90% me" thread and it is so comforting to know I am not alone in this. I take it you are still married. What have you done about your sex life since 2007?

I'm in IC. Had a false start with a therapist that wasn't working and more recently found a better one. Got on antidepressants as well.

 

I feel much more at ease with myself and my situation, but it hasn't helped our sex life. We also had a falling out over birth control, and we have not had intercourse since May of 2007.

[pelicanpreacher]

I can understand your need for financial security provided by your husband and the wealth of his family in your reasoning for staying so long in this marriage but what were the core personal attractions your husband presented at the onset that brought you together in the first place? It definately wasn't the ardor of devotion for you've already stated that from the beginning you felt put off by the notion of having sex with him. Even after he met your demands to fix his sexual dysfunctions you still feel this way so what were the core personal traits that your husband exhibited that convinced you that he would make a life partener that could fulfill your needs?

[imagine]

Hey again Fearful,

 

I want to put out something for your consideration:

 

Compatibility is a myth. Love is a choice and an action. Respect can be offered apart from being earned.

 

I believe that change MUST occur during marriage. Each should submit to the other.

 

I want to share some private details that are relevant to your circumstances.

 

I shall post to you via the private message facility.

[imagine]

Sorry, can't get through.

 

Do please invite your H to this post. I would love to engage.

[Fearful Wife]

Valdar, thank you for posting. I do have sex with my H to show him that I care. I get through it as Story had in the past, by fantasizing. Sex was never a problem for me before I met my H, and I tend to be easygoing about it. But I fear that my dissatisfaction shows through. My H once commented on a grimace I made without even realizing it.

 

what were the core personal attractions your husband presented at the onset that brought you together in the first place? what were the core personal traits that your husband exhibited that convinced you that he would make a life partener that could fulfill your needs?

 

He is a kind, giving, generous soul. We were both lonely and needy. He had just gone through a terrible break-up and I was there to nurse his wounds. I think we both wanted to "fix" each other, me by helping him out of his shell and him by providing me with a family. I was very alone in a big scary city when I met him. I was independent, doing okay, no debt, but my own family was very far away, and they had let me down in various ways. I paid for college on my own mostly through grants and a couple small loans. He had all of this family wealth that dazzled me and made the city seem less harsh and more promising. We live on a budget because of our own career choices, but his family has helped us with our home and the occasional plane ticket. They are there for emergencies.

 

I am afraid of giving up the emergency cushion, and my beautiful home. I'm afraid of going back to a life of financial uncertainty. I want to give my future children everything I didn't have. I got luck with my education because I got good grades, but it's a changing world and I fear not being able to put my kids through school. With my H's family, I would never have to worry about that. If we were to have kids, his family would be very generous. At the same time, I fear bringing them into the world with parents who have this tension.

 

I've considered a two-month trial separation in which I sublet a place nearby. Time and space to think.

[PWSX3]

Thank you so much for your warm welcome, Imagine. I've looked a lot at marriagebuilders.com though we haven't attended a weekend. H has been in IC for years and I did it for about two years as well, plus our MC. We actually communicate well and have talked about our troubles and my doubts. I honestly believe we would both be happier with other people. But we are scared motionless to change the status quo, what with the rocky economy and our co-dependency.

my stbxw & I were co-Dependant & that is something you really need to work on. There is something in both of your lives that need attention and maybe once that is done then you will be able to share each other for who they are & not have to rely on them to make you happy.

Plus we both yearn for children and my great fear is that if we break up, I won't have any. Or that I will have them with someone else who is also not right. Like Storyrider's H, mine is an angel: a giving, caring, generous, loving man who will be a wonderful father. But I think his wife should be a conservative, church-going, Republican woman who likes to spend time alone or going on long hiking trips. Instead he has a social, outgoing city girl who would in general rather get together with friends than go hiking. Also, I love the city where we live, but I know he wants to move eventually. He would be happiest in a cabin in the country, surrounded by his children and free to do his art. While I would go nuts in that environment.

I used to give my stbxw a hard time because she would go to dinner plays. I thought of them as something only sissies would go to. Then a friend of mine told me to start looking outside my box that I lived in, to compromise & maybe do things I didn't want to but because I knew it was something my w wanted to do. You know what? I decided to go & I had fun, I enjoyed it so my point is just because you don't like it there are some things we need to do because we love our spouse & you never know there might be part of it you would like.

You are the only one to make what situation you in the way you want it to be, it can be good or bad, that is up to you.

I need the city, I love my neighbors, and I am not prepared to move. I moved so much as a child. Our city is the longest places I've ever lived--10 years--and I have made it my home. I feel more loyal to my city than I do to my H. If we do have kids, I want us both to sign an agreement in which we promise to never ask for more than 50% custody in the event of a separation or divorce. One of my fears is that we have kids, then break up, and he and his family try to take them from me.

Why would you write up an agreement, I feel that is just telling yourself that it isn't going to work out before it even happens.

 

There are some good Christian based marriage resorts out there that I feel would be helpful.

I feel you both have issues & once those are worked on then your marriage would benefit from that work.

I know that I am finding out that there are things in my past that I need to work on to better me now & that because I was missing some of those things I had to rely on my w & you should never have to rely on your spouse. Like someone told me; you spouse is there to share your life, not to make your life.

[Storyrider]

You can sacrifice your need for a strong sexual connection in order to get financial/emotional security and to have children. But be honest with yourself about whether or not you will eventually resent it, and how much that will permeate and taint the rest of your marriage.

 

Can you live with a marriage that is more like a roommate situation? For how long? What happens when you hit 40 and you realize your life is half gone, and you're not going to experience passion again?

 

I'm not trying to be a downer. I'm still struggling with the same questions you are, and have actually decided to stay for the foreseeable future. My youngest is only 5.

 

I'm fairly convinced marriage is not the best thing for romantic love. Marriage is best for children, and financial security for all concerned, but marriage has to kill passion and replace it with affection, so things can stabilize and the household can run smoothly. Husband and wife end up parenting each other, and any passion that they can muster up is contrived.

 

I don't see how passion can exist without some sense of uncertainty and instability--that is why most adults are drawn to roller coasters rather than merry-go-rounds. But you can't live day to day on a roller coaster. Good bye passion.

[imagine]

 

I've considered a two-month trial separation in which I sublet a place nearby. Time and space to think.

 

I hear warning bells. Have you already responded to the flirting from the OM?

 

Google "the fifteen steps to unfaithfulness". Which step are you at?

[pelicanpreacher]

I can see that you both grew up in vastly differing backgrounds but, though you two may be drawn to each other for the backgrounds you offer, you just aren't intersecting at those critical junctures that make you truly compatible. You come from a more carefree upbringing that you have stated came with shakily little financial or familly support. He came from a conservative background stifled with the attitudes of wealth and the expectation to behave and proceed through life in a certain manner but, with the added insurance that the family safety-net is always in place to couch any difficulties. He wants the life you've lived and, though you relish the security, you want something different altogether.

 

Though you came together under a more codependent situation regarding his break-up he soon revealed that he wanted to live a more "hippie" life than you were willing to go back to and I think that this serves more as the core reason for why you are so unsettled in giving him your love and devotion the way you want. Somewhere in the back of your mind you're hearing tunes of "Green Acres" and don't fancy yourself trapped as Zsa Zsa Gabor out in the wilderness once you've had children. The question that begs then is if you confided this issue to your husband and he wholeheartedly agreed and promised that he would do everything in his power to fulfill your happiness to be the city girl of your dreams for the rest of your life by being your "Dapper Dan...Man About Town", what remaining obstacles could you have, besides his conservative demeanor, not to love him the way you want to?

[Fearful Wife]

I can see that you both grew up in vastly differing backgrounds but, though you two may be drawn to each other for the backgrounds you offer, you just aren't intersecting at those critical junctures that make you truly compatible. He wants the life you've lived and, though you relish the security, you want something different altogether.

 

Though you came together under a more codependent situation regarding his break-up he soon revealed that he wanted to live a more "hippie" life than you were willing to go back to and I think that this serves more as the core reason for why you are so unsettled in giving him your love and devotion the way you want. Somewhere in the back of your mind you're hearing tunes of "Green Acres" and don't fancy yourself trapped as Zsa Zsa Gabor out in the wilderness once you've had children. The question that begs then is if you confided this issue to your husband and he wholeheartedly agreed and promised that he would do everything in his power to fulfill your happiness to be the city girl of your dreams for the rest of your life by being your "Dapper Dan...Man About Town", what remaining obstacles could you have, besides his conservative demeanor, not to love him the way you want to?

 

PelicanPreacher, you are perceptive in that we are not intersecting at critical junctures. He is disappointed I can't be more Christian, more Republican, more conservative, and more outdoorsy. And I'm disappointed to be disappointing him, but I'm resolved to be who I am.

 

But I should correct you on one point: he never envied my hippie upbringing. He was happy to "save" me from it, to show me the joys of conservatism. He enjoys the trappings of conservatism even though his chosen career is in the arts. He wears a button-down shirt, jacket, dress pants, and sometime a tie, even when he is working from home. I think he was attracted to me because of the way I show independence and pragmatism. He has always struggled with ways to be more of both. His father was a very dominant figure, and also a strong breadwinner, as was his grandfather. As an artist, my H struggles with not following in the family tradition of going into finance/accounting. He recognizes his own talent (and he is very talented), but struggles with his commitment to his art and business in a way that frustrates me.

 

LOL, I haven't seen Green Acres but yes! I can just imagine how out-in-the-wilderness I would feel as a suburban (or worse, country town) mom. I always imagined I would continue to work and my H would take care of the kids. Which he has said he is happy to do. I have asked him where he sees us living in 5 or 7 years and he doesn't know. But I fear (always, I come back to the fear) that he yearns for the country and won't tell me because he knows I love the city.

 

I love that you brought up the "dapper man about town" idea. It's so true that he impressed me with this when we met, and I should show him how much I appreciate this aspect of him when we go out. Sadly, because of his discomfort with PDA, going out about town with him has become increasingly a platonic pastime. Just last night at a movie, I tried to engage him in small ways across the seat divide. But he prefers to occupy his own space. He doesn't react or reciprocate when I try to enter his space or get him to enter mine, for example, by trying to touch him discreetly under his shirt. He gets nervous about it and make me stop. Which makes me feel unable to express affection and desire for him. What little I have left is being shut down except on his terms: at night in the bedroom.

 

I hear warning bells. Have you already responded to the flirting from the OM?

 

Google "the fifteen steps to unfaithfulness". Which step are you at?

 

Imagine, I have done some of the steps. For example, 2, 5, and 6, but not 1 3, or 4. I am concerned that I have the "unfaithful gene" (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3783031.stm). In the way I danced with another man at a wedding, even without touching him, I felt unfaithful.

 

You can sacrifice your need for a strong sexual connection in order to get financial/emotional security and to have children. But be honest with yourself about whether or not you will eventually resent it, and how much that will permeate and taint the rest of your marriage.

 

Can you live with a marriage that is more like a roommate situation? For how long? What happens when you hit 40 and you realize your life is half gone, and you're not going to experience passion again?

 

I'm not trying to be a downer. I'm still struggling with the same questions you are, and have actually decided to stay for the foreseeable future. My youngest is only 5.

 

I'm fairly convinced marriage is not the best thing for romantic love. Marriage is best for children, and financial security for all concerned, but marriage has to kill passion and replace it with affection, so things can stabilize and the household can run smoothly. Husband and wife end up parenting each other, and any passion that they can muster up is contrived.

 

I don't see how passion can exist without some sense of uncertainty and instability--that is why most adults are drawn to roller coasters rather than merry-go-rounds. But you can't live day to day on a roller coaster. Good bye passion.

 

Story, you are not a downer. I have struggled with the idea of the "romantic ideal," and whether or not it is possible. I feel like I am constantly on the lookout for testimonies by people who do or don't feel it is possible. There's a book I want to read on the topic called "In The Name of Love: Romantic ideology and its victims (Oxford University Press, 2008)."

 

I want to believe that certain kinds of passion can withstand the test of time, and children, but I do have the same doubts as you. There's another book called "HUMP" about sex after children that made me think it is possible.

 

I am very worried about our quiet resentment building layers over time, and for that reason I am considering a one or two-month "retreat" in which I live alone. I have brought it up to my H, and while he was unhappy with the idea, he will allow it without too much protesting. It is something to try.

 

How are you satisfying your needs for intimacy? Are you just tamping them down indefinitely?

[Fearful Wife]

PWSX3, we have always been good at compromising in terms of how we spend our time. In our first two years, I went hiking nearly every weekend, even in the snow. Now, I go about twice a year, in good weather. I do this because it is fun for both of us. But I know he would like to go more often. I've encouraged him to go with friends, but he hasn't wanted to yet. He would go with his brother or sister if they were nearby and interested. He is introverted and would prefer to be accompanied by his W or a close family member rather than a friend. He doesn't have many friends he is very close to.

 

I also used to go to church with him every time he wanted to, until it went from once a month to every Sunday. I still go once a month, and he is working on being satisfied with that.

 

He is still upset about my not being politically conservative for financial/tax reasons, even though in terms of spending habits I am far more conservative than he. Ah, the irony.

 

Why would you write up an agreement, I feel that is just telling yourself that it isn't going to work out before it even happens.

 

There are some good Christian based marriage resorts out there that I feel would be helpful.

 

I know that I am finding out that there are things in my past that I need to work on to better me now & that because I was missing some of those things I had to rely on my w & you should never have to rely on your spouse. Like someone told me; you spouse is there to share your life, not to make your life.

 

The pre-conception agreement was my mom's idea. But you're right. It's a bad idea to assume the worst. Again and again I see that I am operating from a place of fear. I have always lived my life by making careful and deliberate decisions, so as to minimize regret.

 

I feel uncomfortable with the idea of a Christian resort. I was not raised with religion and I have doubts and problems with Christianity. Why are there no female apostles? Why are the books, except the book of Ruth, all written by men? I don't feel that the Bible represents women well enough.

 

I think your take on co-dependency is fascinating. Why shouldn't spouses rely on each other? Isn't that the point? Together we stand, divided we fall, and all that? Instinctually, though, I agree with you. I used to want to die before my H so I would never have to live without him. We were so attached at the hip. But in the past couple of years, I have been building a support network of friends and family, so that if we do break up, I won't be completely alone. At the same time, I have been helping my H to build his business so that he can operate it well on his own if anything should happen. I used to worry that if I left him, he would fall apart. Lately I have been feeling that he would be OK.

[TrustInYourself]

You know, marriage is give and take.

 

What do you want from him. Demand it. If he's incapable, then you should react accordingly.

 

Sounds like both of you are taking trends to not fulfill eachother's needs. You have to understand there is a dynamic here in your relationship.

 

You feed his desire for certain things and he feeds your desire.

 

Failure in one person can have a butterfly effect on all portions of your marriage.

 

Go read up on communication as well.

 

What doesn't help, is validating differences as problems. Those differences are the same attraction points.

 

You want to focus on his negatives or change his negatives. This is impossible. However, you can affect the dynamic positively, if you choose to do so.

 

If you believe in energy, chemistry and romanticism...these are all within your means to change or enhance. It's a matter of understanding yourself and your husband and the dynamics of your marriage. Do you understand why he feels the way he does and do you accept it? Or are you angry and feel betrayed by his behavior?

 

Sure, you could start again. Millions of marriages do every year. But you will trade old problems for new problems. Maybe those problems will be easier after you've gained some experience and understanding about yourself. A little maturity helps as well. Who knows.

[Fearful Wife]

What do you want from him. Demand it. If he's incapable, then you should react accordingly.

 

Sounds like both of you are taking trends to not fulfill eachother's needs. You have to understand there is a dynamic here in your relationship.

 

What doesn't help, is validating differences as problems. Those differences are the same attraction points.

 

You want to focus on his negatives or change his negatives. This is impossible. However, you can affect the dynamic positively, if you choose to do so.

 

If you believe in energy, chemistry and romanticism...these are all within your means to change or enhance. It's a matter of understanding yourself and your husband and the dynamics of your marriage. Do you understand why he feels the way he does and do you accept it? Or are you angry and feel betrayed by his behavior?

 

TIY, you're right. His negatives are things I viewed as exotic and exciting when I met him. His conservative views bring me different viewpoints to consider. In the early years, I liked that we could dialogue about our liberal vs. conservative ideas. He grew more socially liberal and I voted his way in 2000, of my own choice. It was an exchange.

 

Similarly, his love of the outdoors helped me get outside myself. Church, something new for me, brought to me a new understanding of community. And he was open to my wacky family, at least enough to spend time with them.

 

What went sour first was our physical relationship. You suggested I demand of him what I want. We went to MC so I could express those needs. But I think they are basic, physical, chemical, and anatomical problems. Our "pieces" don't fit.

 

From there, perhaps I created the other problems as an excuse to leave. I know that for a long time, as part of my appreciation for our differences and the alternative viewpoints he brought to me, I changed myself for him. Growing up, I moved a lot, so I came to be good at adapting to my environment. I adapted to my H by dressing the way he wanted, spending time the way he suggested, etc. In MC, I realized I needed to remember my identity.

 

It has been an adjustment for my H to let me be me, to let me wear what I want to wear, go out when I want to go out, vote for who I want to vote for. I understand this. He thought he had a wife who was willing to become Presbyterian (I joined our church), who was willing to listen to different political views and vote his way, and who was willing to be conventional and be married forever.

 

But I am not sure I'm that person. I don't identify as Presbyterian, although I am still a member of our church. I voted my way. I am not conventional. I don't want to be a suburban housewife (at least not right now). I don't even know if marriage is right for me. I communicated some of this to him in MC. He has been disappointed but he still loves me and he believes in working through our problems no matter what. I think that is amazing.

[dgiirl]

If you dont do anything, you're headed for a divorce. Everything you've been doing so far has been preparing yourself for a divorce. You've stopped relying on your husband and built your own support system. Having your own support system is good, but in your case, the reason why you are doing it is to mentally prepare yourself for the day you leave. You've also thought about writing up an agreement regarding kids in the case that you two divorce. Again, preparing for the divorce. You constantly dwelling on all your differences and why you two dont work, which again, sets your mind frame to be for a divorce. Even the thought of getting your own place so you can take a break from the situation will make it even harder to come back into this marriage. Once you leave, I believe the chance of you coming back is going to be next to nil.

 

You are not doing a single constructive positive thing for your marriage.

 

Now if you want a divorce, than so be it. However, if you truly are confused and torn and want to try to save this marriage, then you really really have to start doing something different.

 

There are quite a few issues that you really need to resolve in this relationship.

 

1) You feel you are a disappointment to him. You need to have an honest open discussion with your husband about this. You need to tell him that you feel you are a disappointment to him and these feelings are detrimental to the health of your marriage.

 

2) You also feel he came to "save" you. Whether you felt he could "save" you, or you feel he feels (which might not be how he actually feels) he can "save" you, either way shows that there is no equal partnership in this marriage. You cannot have a happy successful marriage unless you both feel as equals, as partners, and respected. This type of feeling sets up a parent/child relationship, and eventually will tear you apart.

 

3) Neither one of you are meeting the other's emotional needs.

 

When he turns down your PDA, he cannot at all be creating any fuzzy warm feelings inside you. When you show him affection, he needs to learn to not internalize, become anxious and withdraw the attention, but instead realize if he wants a productive healthy marriage, he has to shift the focus back onto you. You have to make this very very clear to him that when he withdraws like that, you feel rejected. He has to make a decision on if he wants to make you feel rejected, or just become comfortable and realize that he is giving you a gift when he accepts your affection.

 

The same can be said about you with regards to his hobbies. Every time you say no to his hobbies, you are rejecting him.

 

I'm not saying you have to do every single thing the other person wants you to do, but you both have to respect each other's boundaries and make compromises. Every time you guys interact, you have a choice to either leave a positive impression or a negative impression. You can either make the other feel GOOD about themselves or BAD about themselves. If every interaction you guys have leaves the other not having happy fuzzy warm feelings, after time, resentment will build up and you will be divorced.

 

These things HAVE to be talked about. Nothing will automagically fix themselves. Things do NOT get better in time. You HAVE to tell him that you have been having thoughts of divorce. Reassure him that it is not what you want, and tell him all the things you DO want in your marriage, all the healthy things you both want and deserve in a relationship, all the warm fuzziness and romance, and that you want to work on it WITH him. But you have to give him the decency to know exactly the state of your marriage, even if you think he should already know, you have to verbally spell it out in plain english for him. Trust me on this one. There are SOOO many marriages that could have been saved if ONLY one of the spouses spoke up sooner. And if they couldnt have been saved, then at the very very least, both could have been prepared for the end. Dont be so cruel and selfish to make the decision on your own without at the very least giving him a chance.

 

If you want a healthy marriage, you have to work at it. Part of it is changing your own state of mind. Not allowing yourself to believe he feels disappointed in you because that does not make you feel good about yourself. The other part is not allowing him to believe the things he does. Dont allow him to be disappointed in you. Dont allow him to feel unloved. Dont allow him to lose respect for you.

 

And no matter who you are with, you will have to do this if you want a good successful marriage. Romantic fuzzy feelings will NOT last forever unless you make a conscious decision to keep them alive. To constantly make sure both partners feel valued and loved and cherished.

[RecordProducer]

Are you happy with your husband? Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Perhaps you feel disconnected and non-sexual, but you have a lot of fun together, laugh hard, enjoy the same activities...

 

You WILL going to meet someone that will intrigue you sexually and romantically sooner or later, you know. What are you going to do then?

You said "it's not only about sex"... the sex is everything when it's bad. It's a consequence of a bad relationship and it's the cause of it.

 

You haveing a child with him doesn't necessarily have to tie you down to this marriage forever. But it would be nice to have a child with a guy with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. His money doesn't mean that YOU would be taken care of financially in case of divorce; please keep that in mind. Especially if he gets joint custody.

 

Finally, only you can decide if disowning your identity is worth the financial stability you're getting from this marriage. What does your heart feel like doing?

[pelicanpreacher]

Excellent post Dgiirl. Well thought out and speaks to all the core issues that must be addressed for the OP to achieve satisfaction within her marriage.