33-yr-old wife is at a crossroads: have kids or get divorced

[Fearful Wife]

TIY, I am so impressed with the way you were able to address your wife's needs, even when she couldn't always be clear about what they were. I also find it amazing that, even though she didn't like you to be demanding about sex, she still invited you to be physical with her at times during your separation.

 

I just can't imagine that happening if my H and I were to do a trial separation. But maybe a separation is exactly what we need to rebuild better physical intimacy. It seemed to work for you.

 

I have misgivings because of the past, but I'm open to a new future with him. But I am sticking to my guns so far about the trial separation. I am planning it for February and/or March. I plan to start looking for a place in January.

 

I am also the more wild, outgoing, social one in our relationship. I have to tell you, my H tried to "tame" me, and it was not smart of me to acquiesce for so long. I give him credit for standing by me as I reclaimed my identity the last couple of years.

 

We are rarely social together. He doesn't like to go out (possibly out of fear, social awkwardness, or depression) and I go out a lot. A large part of my social life revolves around work. The last time we were social together was about a month ago, for dinner with another couple. We are most social together when we see his family. During those times, I feel he becomes the son again and spends a lot of energy on making his family proud of him. That's fine with me except when I look around and find my husband missing.

 

I wanted to share the social side of myself with him more, but he is very quiet in gatherings, almost silent. He is an observer who doesn't participate unless surrounded by people he's known for years and trusts implicitly.

 

Blind, maybe the love can be rebuilt, if you can stop mothering and trust your H to fend for himself. That book you picked up sounds amazing. I just read a short excerpt online. What are some things your H can do to reassure you of his security and stability? Whatever he can do would be huge investments into your Love Bank. One of your greatest emotional needs is to have stability around you, so you can feel safe to stretch your own wings, follow your own personal interests and pursuits, and be yourself. It sounds like he is providing you that emotional stability for the most part--being there for you when your parents moved was a good example. But he needs to be emotionally and practically stable on his own as well. It sounds like he may be there now, but you don't trust him to keep it up.

 

Blind and Gutted, I think we all have husbands who have some degree of mental instability. My H has struggled on an off with depression. Just yesterday he came home from IC (he's been in IC for 10 years) and said he thought he may be depressed again and was going to try to work on it.

 

I have always believed that mental illness is like any physical ailment, such as diabetes, only you can't see it or test it very easily. It can be so hard on the family members though, because we just don't know what's going on and we can't predict how our H's will behave tomorrow or the next day. So it's hard to even know how to help.

 

I never called it "mothering" but I know what you mean, because I bolster my H's feelings about everything. When everything is going alright with me, I wonder why it can't be going better for him. But when I'm going through some kind of crap, either at work or with family, my H always comes in as a stabilizing anchor.

 

The thing is that lately I've been wondering if I really need that anchor. Sure, everyone is better off with an anchor. Statistics show that married people are healthier, live longer, develop more wealth, etc. than single people. But I wonder if I need his anchor, as opposed to someone else's down the line.

 

Sometimes I think we came together because we met each other at our point of need, we learned from each other, and now it's time to go learn from other people. But again, that is likely my background talking, as my parents were always up and moving whenever they felt like it. They moved houses and they changed relationships so often, I might be needing that familiar uprooted feeling, painful as it is.

 

Gutted, I'm not sure how your H is filling your emotional needs. It sounds to me like you are giving a lot, and he's too defensive, or too beaten down, to give back. What made you decide to get married in the first place? What did you see in him? You did choose him, so what were the reasons?

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

Fearful -- Your husband and mine sound so similar. He is in town visiting for the weekend, so this will have to be rushed as I'm squeezing it in while he is having coffee with a friend.

 

The thing you mentioned about how he is with his family -- reverting back to the son who desires to please -- is something my H and I talked about this week. I told him I feel abandoned when we visit his family. He will take that opportunity while surrounded by his family to openly mock me and my needs. Although I'm an extrovert, and love being social and outgoing, I still need moments of quiet and peace. Being surrounded by so many people over long stretches of time overwhelms me, and I once asked for some time by myself. I grew up in a quiet household, and his, with all those siblings, can get cacophonous.

 

But when I asked for a day during the week we were visiting with his family for just him and I to be together, he made fun of me in front of his family, to the extent that we all now refer to it: the day that I had the audacity to ask for "my own day."

 

Anyway, I know that's just rehashing past hurts. What I wanted to say was that he is here, and I am learning and growing. Despite his bouts of depression, he is dependable. Today, he'll be helping me put up bookshelves, move paint cans, etc. That DOES fill my love bank, as I receive love as "acts of service" if you've read that book, sorry I can't remember the name of it right now. And part of what fills my love bank is that he is willing to go through this with me. I hate to think that I am testing him -- but maybe I am?

 

I'm realizing that I have my own fear of commitment -- to my job, especially. I'm really amazed to discover I have a fear of commitment to my husband, considering we've been together for so long.

 

But I'm beginning to wonder -- did I always have one foot in, one foot out of this relationship?

 

H and I have had many long-distance times in the past. I think we both saw this as the best of both worlds -- security in knowing someone out there loved us, but not smothering. We both like our privacy and have kept one another at arms length.

 

I really encourage you to read the book -- I am re-reading it this morning and tabbing pages to return to. H has also agreed to read it. The one downside of the book is it makes you feel like any and all relationships are doomed in some way.

 

I do think a separation is necessary. And I have asked H to pursue IC in addition to our joint MC.

 

I hope you're well and best of luck. These are tough decisions. One thing a friend told me was, "If you know in your gut you want a separation, don't pretend you want to stay and work on it to protect the other person. It will just end up hurting them more in the end that you gave them hope."

[Fearful Wife]

Blind, thank you so much for posting this. One foot in and one foot out. I've been really pondering this, because I often feel that, too.

 

I know I'm capable of commitment, despite my parents and my background moving a lot. I'm committed to my job, my career. I love it, actually. Work has been a solace, and something for me to focus on. I also feel more and more committed to my city and my community. If my H wanted to move, I wouldn't want to go with him.

 

I've been feeling this "one foot in, one foot out" thing for at least three years, pretty consistently. I went through a phase where I didn't think forever love was even possible. I think I'm back to feeling like it's possible, and I know mind over matter is one possible way of falling back in love with my H. However, I'm still not sure I want to. It's painful to think that in 8 years, we never experienced the full-blown passion other couples talk about. We fell in love with the idea of stability and marriage. I still am passionate about those ideals, but I've never been passionately in love with my H. He never rocked my world. It was always about building and growing toward something better. We were never 100% satisfied with our relationship, not even in the beginning. I kept waiting for the sex to get better and he kept waiting for me to abandon my unconventional ways. We've both come to accept each other for who we are, and our sex has gotten technically better, so we've kind of shrugged our shoulders and said, "Who needs fireworks?"

 

When I committed to marrying him, I thought it would be forever, but I think what I meant was that I wanted stability forever. By the time I got to the altar, I had serious misgivings, but I ignored them because I felt like I was on a roller coaster and couldn't jump out. We didn't have sex on our wedding night. The first night we had sex on our honeymoon I was filled with dread. I literally asked myself, "What have I done? What have I gotten myself into?" It was pretty scary.

 

I got so wrapped up in planning a fairytale wedding and in nesting, I completely ignored the warning bells going off in my head. I wanted a wedding partly to see my family come together in one place. I wanted to show them what a stable family unit could actually look like.

 

I thank God every day that I have the comfortable, stable, and safe life that I do. I thank God for my H, who really did make my life better than I could have even imagined. And I know he feels the same about me. That is why I have to hope that I can create the fireworks, create the passion, using mind over matter or whatever else I can learn from books and from this forum. I'd like to think that we could work towards renewing our vows and this time really mean it. For 2009, I would like to finally reach the place where I can fall passionately in love with my H, and start anew, I am wondering if a trial separation will help. Before a trial separation, we will have two weeks apart at the holidays, and I am hoping to feel passion for him upon returning. We'll see.

 

You're right, Blind. The past is the past, and we should do everything we can to protect and enhance our present and future.

[nittanylion]

Wow! I dont know where to begin. You story is so interesting that I have to give my 2cents.

 

Your husband have similar personality to my x-finacee. She is the type of person who believe in traditional value. She is very conservative, emotionless, introvert, and have high more value personality. On other hand, I am similar like you. I am liberal, open-minded, crazy, wildy, and sexaul person. We dated almost 6 years, almost got married, Thank goodness, not. lol. One of the major problem I have with her, is sex, like you with your H. She never quiet enjoy sex while we are together. I beg and ask for bj from her, never once she did willingly. During all the 6 years we have been together, I can recall only 1x she gave me a 2 mins bj that I am craving for. lol. Other aspect of the relationship, I dont get the emotional support from her. she is rigid and cold, and expressionless. I do give her the support she needs but didnt get in return from her. Off course, this let to the demised of our relationship. I begin to withdrawl from her emotionally, and every aspect of our relationship.

 

I have come to the conclusion that I can never marry her cause I feared if we ever have kid, we will definitely end up in divorce. I find every excused to break up the relationship with her. I have realized that we are 2 different people(conversative vs liberal). I made a mistake by staying with her longer than it should have been. We stay together out of convenince and not out of love. Big mistake! I know in my heart, she was not the one for me. As a result, we never take next step(altar).

 

Today, I am very happy with my current g/f. She is totally opposite of my ex-finacee, thank goodness. hehe! We fall in-love with each others instantly. We shared common thinking and personalities. In fact, we plan to have kid(plan or unplan), and get married the end of next year. We have this all plan out cause rite now, we live over 3000 miles apart.

 

I understand that you like the city type girl and he is more like a laid back type country boy. lol. Perhaps you and H can compromise.

 

He didnt give you the emotional or sexaul need you craving for. I think there is alot of frustration building up all these years cause he didnt meet your needs as you stated it. Perhaps, you stay in this relationship out of convenience, and stability, not love

 

But I hope I can give you better in sight by giving you my past relationship's experience with my ex-finacee, and hope you will make an informed decision regarding your relationship.

 

I hope everything works out for you.

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

Hi Fearful,

 

My H visited over the weekend -- it's the first time I've seen him since we've started having talks about our relationship. And I'm reminded again and again of what a wonderful person he is, and yet how unfulfilling our relationship is.

 

And yet every time I have thoughts of feeling unfulfilled, I start to berate myself and ask, why isn't what he has to give enough?

 

We've talked about how separation in our case looks easy enough -- we already live separately and our belongings are completely separate. And yet, he doesn't want it, and I don't feel like I can ask for it if he doesn't agree to it.

 

The other part of my story, is that a year ago, I cheated on my H. He was out of town for three months (not an excuse) but I fell for someone and felt something for the OM that I haven't felt towards my H in years, if ever.

 

A week after my brief affair, I came clean to my H, and we both went into MC. I went into complete NC with the OM, and maintained that until two weeks ago.

 

Then two weeks ago, I met a friend for lunch. We were talking, enjoying ourselves, when suddenly, I just couldn't take it anymore. I HAD to talk to the OM. I dragged my friend with me to his office and surprised him there. I asked him if he would meet me after work for drinks, and we ended up talking for 4 hours.

 

The next day, I called my H and told him I had seen the OM, that we had just talked and nothing physical had happened, but that I had needed to seek closure with the OM. And I really felt like I had reached some sort of closure.

 

But...that wound remains open. In some ways, I still can't forgive myself for what I did. And in other ways, I still have feelings for the OM. The OM has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me unless I am single. And I respect those wishes.

 

But all of these things cloud my judgment. I know to everyone reading out there that things seem easy: I'm essentially separated anyways, and my heart is clearly not in it, so why not just leave?

 

And yet, I love my H. We have a long history together. I just can't figure out why NOW of all times my heart seems to have simply stopped loving him. It's heartbreaking.

[Dexter Morgan]

He comes from a wealthy family, and his parents helped us buy our home. We found and bought it six months before our wedding, and the title is in his name and their names. I did not contribute to the down payment or to the work done before we moved in but I have been contributing to the mortgage.

 

Looking for a payday out of this? You are not entitled to the "gift" that came from his parents, but you are entitled to whatever equity in the house that resulted from your contributions to the principal.

 

And in any case, if you think you should get paid for 1/2 the entire equity and getting 1/2 of the portion that his parents chipped in for, any good judge won't let that happen and to expect that would be despicable.(not saying you expect it, but you did mention that part about his parents helping)

 

 

Please help me, what do you think I should do? Is there anything I’m forgetting to consider?

 

Yes, you are not considering the fact that when someone who hasn't spent years with you starts flirting with you, well duh! Of course it feels good, and of course someone new to you, and you to them, might flirt with you.

 

But that same person that is flirting with you now will more than likely fall into the same duldrums if he has been with you for a number of years.

 

So what you are forgetting to consider is, drop this high school sophmoric notion that the giddiness you feel because some guy paid you a little attention is not reason to get a divorce. marriage is hard work, and if you are not willing to put in the work then yes, get a divorce and never get married again.

 

But being flirted with isn't reason to get a divorce. And this is coming from someone who would usually tell you to get a divorce because you are not being fair to your husband.

[TrustInYourself]

TIY, I am so impressed with the way you were able to address your wife's needs, even when she couldn't always be clear about what they were. I also find it amazing that, even though she didn't like you to be demanding about sex, she still invited you to be physical with her at times during your separation.

 

I just can't imagine that happening if my H and I were to do a trial separation. But maybe a separation is exactly what we need to rebuild better physical intimacy. It seemed to work for you.

 

I have misgivings because of the past, but I'm open to a new future with him. But I am sticking to my guns so far about the trial separation. I am planning it for February and/or March. I plan to start looking for a place in January.

 

I am also the more wild, outgoing, social one in our relationship. I have to tell you, my H tried to "tame" me, and it was not smart of me to acquiesce for so long. I give him credit for standing by me as I reclaimed my identity the last couple of years.

 

We are rarely social together. He doesn't like to go out (possibly out of fear, social awkwardness, or depression) and I go out a lot. A large part of my social life revolves around work. The last time we were social together was about a month ago, for dinner with another couple. We are most social together when we see his family. During those times, I feel he becomes the son again and spends a lot of energy on making his family proud of him. That's fine with me except when I look around and find my husband missing.

 

I wanted to share the social side of myself with him more, but he is very quiet in gatherings, almost silent. He is an observer who doesn't participate unless surrounded by people he's known for years and trusts implicitly.

 

Blind, maybe the love can be rebuilt, if you can stop mothering and trust your H to fend for himself. That book you picked up sounds amazing. I just read a short excerpt online. What are some things your H can do to reassure you of his security and stability? Whatever he can do would be huge investments into your Love Bank. One of your greatest emotional needs is to have stability around you, so you can feel safe to stretch your own wings, follow your own personal interests and pursuits, and be yourself. It sounds like he is providing you that emotional stability for the most part--being there for you when your parents moved was a good example. But he needs to be emotionally and practically stable on his own as well. It sounds like he may be there now, but you don't trust him to keep it up.

 

Blind and Gutted, I think we all have husbands who have some degree of mental instability. My H has struggled on an off with depression. Just yesterday he came home from IC (he's been in IC for 10 years) and said he thought he may be depressed again and was going to try to work on it.

 

I have always believed that mental illness is like any physical ailment, such as diabetes, only you can't see it or test it very easily. It can be so hard on the family members though, because we just don't know what's going on and we can't predict how our H's will behave tomorrow or the next day. So it's hard to even know how to help.

 

I never called it "mothering" but I know what you mean, because I bolster my H's feelings about everything. When everything is going alright with me, I wonder why it can't be going better for him. But when I'm going through some kind of crap, either at work or with family, my H always comes in as a stabilizing anchor.

 

The thing is that lately I've been wondering if I really need that anchor. Sure, everyone is better off with an anchor. Statistics show that married people are healthier, live longer, develop more wealth, etc. than single people. But I wonder if I need his anchor, as opposed to someone else's down the line.

 

Sometimes I think we came together because we met each other at our point of need, we learned from each other, and now it's time to go learn from other people. But again, that is likely my background talking, as my parents were always up and moving whenever they felt like it. They moved houses and they changed relationships so often, I might be needing that familiar uprooted feeling, painful as it is.

 

Gutted, I'm not sure how your H is filling your emotional needs. It sounds to me like you are giving a lot, and he's too defensive, or too beaten down, to give back. What made you decide to get married in the first place? What did you see in him? You did choose him, so what were the reasons?

 

No one is perfect. Just throwing that out there, lol.

 

You're right to feel trapped when someone is incapable of meeting your needs. Both people suffer and that could explain some of his depression and also your attitudes and actions, vice versa.

 

The question is do you have a plan? He obviously is floundering. He's struggling with depression. You're tired of being his mother. You're tired of his weaknesses and lack of giving in areas that you consider most important to being married and in love.

 

What's the key to problem? Stop. Stop doing things that are not you. You need to start doing things that are you. Enjoy life and he should allow you to do the same. He should not be a limitation, but an extension of you. He should enrich your life with love. Not detract. That sounds like the issue here.

 

You want him to be more social? You could make him. Would he enjoy it? Could he enjoy it? Maybe, maybe not. But that's cool, lol. That's not the issue. The issue is he is detracting from your happiness by not participating in the activities that define you.

 

What can you do? Well, stop worrying about his action/reactions. Personally, I would step away. Let him fall, let him pick himself up, let go of that role as his mother. Is it going to be painful for you both. Yes. Is he going to want to blame you and create conflict? Possibly.

 

What can you do? You can be understanding and accepting. My wife has been and always will be a good person. That helped me to be the best man that I could possibly.

 

It's good. You're on a path of self-understanding and happiness. I think you'll be okay! Take heart! Happy T-day!

 

T

[Fearful Wife]

Thank you, T.

 

Being myself involves doing a lot of things without my H.

 

We had a nice Thanksgiving weekend with his family, though no sex. They are very sweet, kind people, very even-keeled and reserved. They exhibit less intimacy (no hugging or kissing or emotional drama) than I am used to in my own family which makes me feel as though we aren't very close. I'm sure they love me but I've always felt a distance.

 

Last night my H approached me for sex. It had been a while so I didn't want to refuse him, but I physically could not respond. We did it anyway. It was hard on me, abrasive, not what sex should be. I hate doing that and I want to stop having sex with him altogether. I think the only way to do that is to move out. As long as we are together, it is too hard to have to either refuse him or give without wanting to.

[Fearful Wife]

Blind, how are you?

 

Why doesn't your H agree to a separation? What does he think you should do? What does he think is best for you both?

 

I don't blame you for your affair. It sounds like you were desperate for some change, positive or negative.

 

I hope you can put the OM out of your mind until you've figured out your current situation.

 

I've heard it said that women become walk-away wives when they feel their husbands are no longer dependable. In many ways I feel like that about my H, though he is a very good man.

[Fearful Wife]

Dexter - I would never expect to share the equity on our home 50/50. But thanks for checking. The post you referred to was about me acknowledging that a separation would be financially difficult for both of us, especially me, without the cushion of family help.

 

That I've been thinking about this for three years points to the fact that I am serious about making a change.

 

I still have not consulted a lawyer about my obligations and rights, but I know it's an important thing to do. I'm just not completely ready for that step.

 

I would like to point out that for the first six years of our relationship, I was the only one with a steady income and often the bill payer. This was fine with me because his family would come in to help out at times to cover his end of things. They also gifted us airline tickets and furniture, and eventually a home (though it's also an investment for them). Also I believed in him and figured he just needed time. I would also like to point out that I have contributed to his business in significant ways, by sending him clients, writing or editing his correspondence, coaching him, etc. He is an artists who struggles with inhibitions and can't always see the forest for the trees.

 

I've recently come to realize that he will likely be financially dependent on his family in some way until he "makes it big" with his art. I genuinely believe that he could be an artist with a viable career path, and but I don't know if HE believes it. He struggles with wanting to do art full-time versus in between paying jobs.

 

Do I really want children with someone who may not be able to support them, except by virtue of his family, who granted would probably guarantee them an education? Maybe that would be fine if we had a physical connection. Maybe it would be fine if we both still hoped for a viable, stable, independent future. But we don't have that physical connection, and I don't trust his commitment to independence. We have too many missing pieces.

 

The flirting episode you refer to was not just any flirtation, it was a reality check. A reminder and realization that there never was any flirting like that between me and my H, not even at the beginning. It was the whole reason we went to MC, so he could learn what the definition of flirting is. I am not an idiot. I know marriage is hard work, and I'm doing it. But I think I made a mistake when I said my vows, because I didn't fully believe them. I don't know that I believe in unconditional love for better or worse. I like the marriagebuilders.com idea of marriage being a love-bank account, with investments and withdrawals. And I think my bank account is nearly empty.

[TrustInYourself]

Dexter - I would never expect to share the equity on our home 50/50. But thanks for checking. The post you referred to was about me acknowledging that a separation would be financially difficult for both of us, especially me, without the cushion of family help.

 

That I've been thinking about this for three years points to the fact that I am serious about making a change.

 

I still have not consulted a lawyer about my obligations and rights, but I know it's an important thing to do. I'm just not completely ready for that step.

 

I would like to point out that for the first six years of our relationship, I was the only one with a steady income and often the bill payer. This was fine with me because his family would come in to help out at times to cover his end of things. They also gifted us airline tickets and furniture, and eventually a home (though it's also an investment for them). Also I believed in him and figured he just needed time. I would also like to point out that I have contributed to his business in significant ways, by sending him clients, writing or editing his correspondence, coaching him, etc. He is an artists who struggles with inhibitions and can't always see the forest for the trees.

 

I've recently come to realize that he will likely be financially dependent on his family in some way until he "makes it big" with his art. I genuinely believe that he could be an artist with a viable career path, and but I don't know if HE believes it. He struggles with wanting to do art full-time versus in between paying jobs.

 

Do I really want children with someone who may not be able to support them, except by virtue of his family, who granted would probably guarantee them an education? Maybe that would be fine if we had a physical connection. Maybe it would be fine if we both still hoped for a viable, stable, independent future. But we don't have that physical connection, and I don't trust his commitment to independence. We have too many missing pieces.

 

The flirting episode you refer to was not just any flirtation, it was a reality check. A reminder and realization that there never was any flirting like that between me and my H, not even at the beginning. It was the whole reason we went to MC, so he could learn what the definition of flirting is. I am not an idiot. I know marriage is hard work, and I'm doing it. But I think I made a mistake when I said my vows, because I didn't fully believe them. I don't know that I believe in unconditional love for better or worse. I like the marriagebuilders.com idea of marriage being a love-bank account, with investments and withdrawals. And I think my bank account is nearly empty.

 

What would it take to rebuild that account. That's what he should know. Exactly what action he should take.

 

That's the problem right there. He shouldn't have to ask, lol. Well, I wouldn't know. I still don't know. I just wing it and pray that by being myself and being who I am, that will make sense to my wife.

 

Here's a question I have. The sexual chemistry for us was off the charts when we were separated. Now, our sex life isn't as full steam. It's downright "ok". I always have to inform her that it's been weeks since our last time and for her to do it, seems to be a chore. My gut tells me that I'm not doing something right or that I'm asking or pushing. I want physical intimacy, yet by asking for what I want, I actually deteriorate her desire for me. So I am unsure of what to do. Before I would make it an issue and there would be a fight. Now I don't want to escalate...I just want to leave it be. I'm not happy with that and she knows it. Yet, there is no action to solve it. So what then? What now?

[Dexter Morgan]

That I've been thinking about this for three years points to the fact that I am serious about making a change.

 

I still have not consulted a lawyer about my obligations and rights, but I know it's an important thing to do. I'm just not completely ready for that step.

 

 

So how much more of your husband's life are you going to waste because you like being flirted with, but aren't ready to divorce? Talk about completely and utterly unfair to him. I think 3 years of thinking about it is enough. Let him get on with his life already.

 

 

 

I would like to point out that for the first six years of our relationship, I was the only one with a steady income and often the bill payer. This was fine with me because his family would come in to help out at times to cover his end of things. They also gifted us airline tickets and furniture, and eventually a home (though it's also an investment for them). Also I believed in him and figured he just needed time. I would also like to point out that I have contributed to his business in significant ways, by sending him clients, writing or editing his correspondence, coaching him, etc.

 

so what is your point? You feel a sense of entitlement here? You feel this excuses dangling him on a string and emotionally betraying him?

 

 

The flirting episode you refer to was not just any flirtation, it was a reality check. A reminder and realization that there never was any flirting like that between me and my H, not even at the beginning.

 

 

I find that hard to believe. I don't think I'd ever find myself with anyone if there wasn't a spark. People don't hook up if there is no chemistry unless they do it for financial reasons. And obviously you didn't marry him for his earning potential.

 

 

It was the whole reason we went to MC, so he could learn what the definition of flirting is. I am not an idiot. I know marriage is hard work, and I'm doing it.

 

You are? How? Are you trying to tell us that you put in ALL the work and him none, that you are the saint in this marriage and all the problems are his fault?

 

 

But I think I made a mistake when I said my vows, because I didn't fully believe them.

 

Then that is YOUR fault, not his.

 

If I have any advice for you it is this: Get a divorce and quit delaying it because YOU aren't ready. Its not fair to him for time off his life to be wasted because YOU didn't believe in your vows and YOU aren't ready.

 

3 years is long enough. Let him move on with his life. Move out and get the paperwork rolling. And do right by him in the divorce especially where the children are concerned.

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

Fearful -- Again I am astounded by the commonalities of our situation. My husband also comes from a kind, gentle and loving family who have helped us out financially. My family has helped us out financially as well. And while I am grateful, I feel that our families, by propping us up, have allowed us to continue this fiction that we were in a partnership, whereas in reality, both of us put off serious careers for ten years since we were able to live well based on our family's financial help.

 

In fact, many of the problems between us arose when I became financially independent. For the first time, I had a well-paying job, and I was helping put him through school. I realized that I was able to stand on my own two feet, without him OR our families. And that feeling was...intoxicating. But once my feelings of neediness and dependence on him diminished, it left a black hole into which I feel I have fallen.

 

I spent Thanksgiving with my H and my family. For the first time in 17 years, at least that I can recall, my H made a reservation at a restaurant and took me out to dinner. As I write that, tears are welling up in my eyes, because a part of me thinks that no one should have to wait 17 years for someone to want to make a dinner reservation on their behalf. I'm ashamed to admit that there is a part of me that never had romance, and here I am, age 34, wanting romance. I feel like a teenager, longing for some futile illusion that will only wear thin.

 

All of this makes me think about how he and I got together at such a young age. Romance was embarrassing and off-putting to me back then. He was a good friend -- funny and sweet and smart. He prides himself that his strongest trait is dependability.

 

And what you mentioned about your sex life: that is so similar for me too. We are in this pattern where when we have sex, it is aggressive and quick. There's no seeming tenderness.

 

I read a really interesting essay by Joyce Maynard called, "How do you know when it's over?" You can find it at:

 

http://www.joycemaynard.com/columns-articles/true-life-its-over.shtml

 

It spoke to me -- there seems to be many of us in similar situations.

 

The H and I are spending the next two weeks together. I'm going to use that time to be with him and really be conscious about how I feel and if I think things can work.

[Fearful Wife]

T, if the chemistry was there when you were separated, and when you first met, then it makes sense that it can be there more often when you're together.

 

What are her preferences? Mornings or evenings? I like Saturday afternoons. Knowing her preferences and catering to them can help.

 

Do you flirt with her and show her affection even when you aren't looking for sex? That was a big thing with me and my H. In MC, I told him I felt like he came looking for affection only when he wanted sex, and that made me feel objectified. That's why I like PDA. It's a chance to be intimate and to build those feelings for each other without the pressure to have intercourse. Then you can sort of cherish and save those feelings for when you get home.

 

There are some amazing books out there for men. My favorite is SHE COMES FIRST, by Ian Kerner. (The cover is so funny: a banana in the foreground, a papaya in the background.) His website is http://www.iankerner.com/about.html. Also, Lou Paget's HOW TO BE A GREAT LOVER is an old standby. Alos, MATING IN CAPTIVITY on sex between couples who have been together for a long time.

 

There must be a way you can get her to come to you like she did when you were separated. Maybe she likes to initiate, to be the one to invite you. I hope she reads romance novels. They're great for inspiring the mood, or inspiring masturbation, which I think is a completely healthy activity.

[Fearful Wife]

Blind, thank you, I really enjoyed Joyce Maynard's essay. It reminded me of all the amazing essays in THE BITCH IN THE HOUSE. (Love that book.)

 

It's that perennial question, are we just never going be the right fit and am I wasting his time?

 

I'm glad your H took you out to dinner. Maybe that means he remembers what romance is and you can start anew. I think you have to want romance, and in good marriages couples find a way to keep it alive. All the books say to consciously create romance in your marriage by making date nights, vacations, couples' massages, etc. Don't berate yourself for wanting romance. Romance is the stuff of life. It's naive to think, as Joyce Maynard wrote, that marriage is a perpetual honeymoon, or a Disney movie, but please--a little romance once a week is totally normal. Isn't it?

 

I really hope these two weeks with your H involve some romance. I know how hard it must be to build that in after 17 years.

[Fearful Wife]

Dexter, harsh words, but you're right. I've often thought I was wasting my H's time, and that with another woman he would have three kids and a house in the country by now. We have no children, though we often talk about wanting them.

 

Three years ago, when I first had the "this isn't right" moment, I told him I thought it would be best for us to get a divorce. He refused. He has resisted my attempts to make this decision together, and I want to do this by joint agreement, so I don't just leave him in the dust.

 

Now that we've both tentatively agreed to a separation in February, I think we are finally creating change.

 

You're wrong about the no-chemistry thing. It happens. I thought I could bring him out of his shell. I didn't believe in chemistry. I thought I could be attracted to anybody kind and good because of who they were inside.

 

I have never said I'm a saint. We've both been working at this. Thank you for your advice, Dexter. I think ultimately you may be right that it is time to move on.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, harsh words, but you're right. I've often thought I was wasting my H's time, and that with another woman he would have three kids and a house in the country by now. We have no children, though we often talk about wanting them.

 

Three years ago, when I first had the "this isn't right" moment, I told him I thought it would be best for us to get a divorce. He refused. He has resisted my attempts to make this decision together, and I want to do this by joint agreement, so I don't just leave him in the dust.

 

Now that we've both tentatively agreed to a separation in February, I think we are finally creating change.

 

Glad to hear that. he may have resisted the idea of divorce when you mentioned it to him, but since when does anyone know what is really best for them? I didn't think divorce in my situation was the best thing that happened to me until I started thinking clearly, filed, and got it over with. I realize staying in the marriage would have been a disaster.

 

 

You're wrong about the no-chemistry thing. It happens.

 

I don't see how. If I have no chemistry with anyone, I mean absolutely none, and I am not attracted to them, then I'm not going to be with them. Plain as that.

 

 

I have never said I'm a saint. We've both been working at this. Thank you for your advice, Dexter. I think ultimately you may be right that it is time to move on.

 

he may not believe it, but in time he will see he is better off, and you as well.