Is it realistic to think a person with commitment phobia could ever change?

[SingleAgain08]

My boyfriend of five months dumped me last week and it's been pretty difficult on me so far. Although early on he told me he had never been in a relationship for more than a year (he's 29), I attributed that to being young, moving for grad school and again for a residency, and only now settling in somewhere. And he told me he had never met anyone as wonderful as me, which I believed at time but now question.

 

He treated me like a queen for the first three months: he brought me flowers, opened the car door for me, told he loved me frequently, and seemed very happy. He was quick to ask me to be exclusive and after a few months took me on a road trip to meet his family and asked me to move in with him. I felt it might be too soon but agreed to when my lease ended (in four months).

 

Over the next few weeks, I began to see a controlling side of him that I didn't like. He is a bit of a perfectionist/neat freak, which I tolerated even though he was reluctant to trust me to clean properly or to help him with jobs he was doing around the house. I decided just let him do the dishes when I was at his house and he didn't seem to mind. He would also sometimes say things about how women were bad drivers, even though I asked him not to say things like that in my presence.

 

Most of the time he was still very nice and we got along and had fun together but those few comments, plus the controlling aspect of his personality started to get to me. I began to question if I could live with him and eventually told him I wasn't feeling sure about moving in and he said he felt the same way. I told him I still wanted to be together, but just not rush in to living together, and he said he felt the same. A few weeks after this conversation, however, he told me he realized he was not ready to be married and needed to be single. I never brought up marriage, nor was I expecting a proposal anytime soon, so this was confusing to me. I told him his disrespectful comments towards women and his controlling tendencies were an issue for me and a breakup was for the best (even though I didn't actually want to break up) -- I wanted to cry but I would not let myself. I asked him not to contact me for two months.

 

I really miss him and am considering if I could try to reconcile with him (only if he wanted to, of course), however, I'm not sure how likely it is that people with commitment issues like that can change. He admitted to me during the breakup conversation that he had a commitment problem and actually seemed very upset about it. On one hand, the fact that he knows he has a problem is a good sign (he's not in denial), on the other, if this is a pattern for him then I have doubts he could ever break it. I'd like to believe him when he told me it has nothing to do with me, and that I was the best girlfriend he ever had, and I feel that in many ways he was the best boyfriend I ever had. I know that it's kind of silly even to think about it since there's a strong likelihood he'll never contact me again. I just want to be prepared if he does. I guess I'm just looking for some guidance from those who have gone through similar experiences -- do commitment phobic people ever get over it? If so, how?

[Walk]

I don't think he has commitment issues, I think he has control issues. He seems to want things done his way, and is adverse to relinquishing control.

 

He seemed more then willing to make a commitment right from the get-go with you. To the point that you felt rushed by his pace. So it's not that he won't commit, he's just not willing to allow you to have full say in the relationship. If you want to be the silent yes sir type, then I would bet he'd marry you in a heartbeat. It wouldn't even be an issue. But the fact that you do have self-esteem, and you seem to have a healthy mentality, then you two really don't have the core parts in common. Which makes you bad marriage material for him.

 

So.. if you want him to commit (i.e. marriage) all you need to do is become a co-dependent insecure person who thinks he walks on water. He'll jump to keep you around. Unfortunately, sounds more likely that you'll continue to keep that healthy attitude (Gosh, Why?!? ) and after a period of time you'll realize how lucky you were that the relationship ended when it did.

 

Seriously though, he was controlling and any one with a healthy sense of self-worth would feel unhappy in that situation. I think you miss the dreams you had for the relationship, but not who he really was. Like you miss the way you felt during those first few months, and now that the relationship is over the past seems to take on greater weight. But if you get right to the heart of things... you believe (from what your post said) that a relationship should involve a great deal more respect and more unity then what your ex believed in. That's a huge difference in how two people can think and believe. To believe you can change him, change who he is, is foolish.

[norajane]

I told him his disrespectful comments towards women and his controlling tendencies were an issue for me

 

Are you just going to forget about this part in order to have him back?

 

He did what a lot of commitment phobes do - they give you the big rush and are all into the relationship and your future together, and then they cool off in a hurry. If he's a true commitment phobe, no, they don't change easily or quickly and not without therapy and a strong desire to overcome the internal issues that are causing their commitment phobia.

[Trialbyfire]

The first little while is always the honeymoon/infatuation period for people, where they're always on their best behaviour, wearing rose-coloured glasses. Yes, this includes you too!

 

After that, as people relax, you get to see more of who they really are. This is the perfect time to step back and really analyze whether or not you're compatible. What you've discovered is that there are things about him, you're not that crazy about. It appears that he's also discovered things about you, that he's not that crazy about.

 

The only way a successful second chance can work, is that BOTH of you have to either be accepting of each other's foibles, be willing to change those foibles or some combination of the two.

 

If you find him controlling already, that part isn't going to change much since it's a core personality trait. He might find you disorganized or messy, which isn't going to change much since it might also be a core personality trait. Neither infatuation nor love is ever enough, for a viable long-term relationship.

 

Be careful what you ask for. You might get it, then watch it implode once again.

[immizunderstood]

I think the decision you made to break up was the most perfect decision. I have been in a situation such as yourself. The sweet guy I met turned into the most controlling person I've ever known. I would have to tell him my every move. I find these type of men prey on women and are very calculating. They select women who are submissive and often times shy. The mere fact you've laid down your ground rules shows signs of independence. Controlling men hate independent women. You're more brave than I've ever been. I wish I could of done what you did, you deserve a pat on the back!

 

My best advice for you; leave him alone! You're intuition is correct, trust it. This man has the potential to become abusive especially as his career begins to advance. Every issue he has will evenually be your fault and that's only because you're around being his punching bag.

[SingleAgain08]

Thank you everyone for your replies. It is so nice to have this forum for support -- my friends can only put up with so much break-up talk

 

So far I've stuck to my goal of not contacting him and having others help remind me that I'm better off really helps.

 

I guess it may always be a mystery as to whether his main issue is commitment or control (or maybe these are equal issues) but I just don't have it in me to take on that kind of project. It's sad because there is a wonderful side of him that is open-minded, respectful, and kind. I sort of wonder if he really believes what he said about women or if just said those things to push me away. Either way, I'm glad I don't have to deal with it anymore