Relationship boundaries: I don't want her to stay over at other guys' houses

[guest]

i'm in a new relationship that just started about a month ago, and ive got a dilemma im not sure how to address...

 

before me, my girlfriend was with her ex on and off again for the past 2 years, but he cheated on her multiple times and they were FTF for a while this yr but havent had true relationship for a while. despite his infidelity, tho, she kept going back to him. after meeting me tho, she has told me that i was the first person to make her want to say "no" to him.... so, when she finally did (after a LONG and arduous time period) we did get together.

 

the thing is, i know she still talks to her ex pretty much daily. she's told me that they both agreed to be each other's best friends. when we werent together and i knew she talked to him, it didnt really bug me so much. but now that we're together, its something thats been driving me kinda crazy...

 

anyways, she told me that she promised to help her ex with something next week that would require her to stay over at his place for three nites... i told her that i cant tell her what to do, but just that i am very uncomfortable and worried about it, but in the end the decision is always hers... and i kno she could tell i was visibly shaken by her request... i asked her if she was pretty sure she was going to do this for her ex, and she said she probably would...

 

now, im not sure what i should do... i want to be an understanding bf for her, because i know how much she loved or maybe even still loves her ex, but at the same time, i dont want this to be the boundary of our relationship - that she can stay over at other guys' houses (INCLUDING ex's) and it would be okay with me.... because honestly its not, and i know she wouldnt do anything with him because i trust her... its just that the thought that 1) she'd WANT to go, and 2) she knows how it affects me and still will go anyways, makes me think that maybe she doesnt care about our relationship, or isnt as considerate, as i thought she was....

 

i dont want to give her an ultimatum and say "if you stay over at his place, im going to break up with you" but i want her to know that if she does decide to do that, i have to do what i might have to do, and that could involve breaking up. because while i really like this girl, and she is sooooo awesome, im not going to compromise my value system for her or let myself be walked on.

 

i was thinking that in person, i would emphasize the fact that if she does do this thing for her ex and stay at his place for 3 days, i would be very hurt by it. because, if she does do it, im almost not sure what im going to do afterward.... stay in it knowing that the boundary has been drawn where she can go and stay at other guys' places, or break-up with an otherwise great girl because i wasnt comfortable with what she did/could do.

 

any advice or thoughts would be very helpful. thank you.

[unable2takeownadvice]

Let me just say, I have no real advice for you b/c I myself don't know what to do. you can read my posts under usaf718 in the obsessed with b/f's ex thread. I've been dating my guy for 2 years, and he never had contact with the ex until recently. In june she was invited to his friends grad party. He didn't even tell me who she was until she left 3 hours later, and I asked. His claim was that he wished to ignore her. I've never had trust issues with him until more recently.

 

The ex just keeps being invited places by his friends. He claims he's indifferent toward her, but they're interactions make me very uncomfortable. Please read the usaf718 post to catch up so I don't reiterate everything. Since the incident last weekend I can't let go of his inability to push her away. She was touching him in a way I felt was inappropriate and he said if it happens again he'll punch her in the face. Which I later told him was bs, so i said how about he just say "Don't touch me" or "I don't want you to touch me" His response was that he just tell her to chill or relax. This to me doesn't get the point across. The point is to stand up to her and say no. It worries me if he can't even do that.

 

I also don't want to have to give him an ultimatum, especially since one of his friends basically stopped being his friend b/c he didn't like me. I had never done anything to his friend, but i feel my b/f blames me over his loss.

 

Your situation though seems worse. My b/f and I always say we'll stay friends if we breakup, but I doubt if one of us cheated.What can they possibly be doing that requires her to stay at his house for 3 nights?? The only thing I can say is that this is killing me, and I'm not sure I'd stay with my b/f if we had only just started dating.

[km82794]

she has told me that i was the first person to make her want to say "no" to him....

 

If this is so, then my question is, why isn't she saying "no" to him now?

 

I also have to ask what on Earth could this guy need help with, that would require her to be a slumber party guest for three days?

 

To me, this is Wrong with a capital "W". I can understand her saying hi to the guy if they happen to bump into one another, but talking on the phone every day, now she wants to spend the night at his place. Something is wrong and since you seem like an intelligent man, I don't think I have to spell it out for you.

 

I totally agree with you, if she does end up doing it, it shows she has no respect for your relationship or you for that matter.

 

As you said, I would have the talk with her and tell her how this might effect you, but if she ends up going through with it, dump her like a bad habit.

 

I'm sorry, but the day I ask my fiance if I can spend the night at one of my ex's, is the day I'll be looking for a new place to live.

 

Sorry you're going thru this!!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

DITTO that Km82794!! Well said!

[guest]

thanks for your responses so far folks...

 

i left the reason she told me to stay at his place out for brevity's sake, but she said that her ex's dad is sponsoring a family from his home country, and he was tasked to show them around town. since they were all older people than him, he wanted a companion guide, and thought of my gf. i asked her if he could just pick her up every day they needed to show the people around, but her reply was that he lives 2 hrs away, and doesnt want to go to the effort. i said that if you were doing this favor for him the least he could do was give you rides home, but her reply was that he's "lazy"....

 

she told me that one reason she agreed to it tho was to "test" her ex - she tells me she wants to be just friends with him, and wants to use this opportunity to see if they truly can be friends without having any kind of weirdness in the way, and see if he can handle it. b/c, they have tried to be friends in the past unsuccessfully, and it became a cycle of try being friends, fail, hook up, he pisses her off, break up, try being friends, fail, etc....

 

fact of the matter is, i know he's still interested in her... and despite all the crap he's pulled in the past, she, God knows why, still cares about him. i really hate being in this sitatuation, because im going to seem like the bad guy, because she might think i come off as 1) possessive, paranoid, and jealous, which im not (most of her friends are guys, and i dont mind that she hangs with them at all - its just, i dont think a girl who's attached has any business staying over at a guy friend's place, especially if its planned out like this), and 2) that i dont want her friendship with her ex to work at all, even tho i REALLY wish they were truly just friends so that i dont have to worry about it anymore.

 

*shrugs* not sure what to do... normally, when i imagine myself in these kinds of situation, its easy think "oh yea, id stick to my guns and do this and that..." but its much different when you're actually facing the situation...

 

i know tho, that im sorta using this as my own test - to see how much she cares for and is willing to make our relationship work.... if she does decide to go and stay those three nites, as much as its going to hurt, i think i have to break it off... and even if she doesnt go, im going to feel like i was the bad guy not letting her help out her ex, and she might get even more close to him.... =(

[guest]

thanks for your responses so far folks...

 

i left the reason she told me to stay at his place out for brevity's sake, but she said that her ex's dad is sponsoring a family from his home country, and he was tasked to show them around town. since they were all older people than him, he wanted a companion guide, and thought of my gf. i asked her if he could just pick her up every day they needed to show the people around, but her reply was that he lives 2 hrs away, and doesnt want to go to the effort. i said that if you were doing this favor for him the least he could do was give you rides home, but her reply was that he's "lazy"....

 

she told me that one reason she agreed to it tho was to "test" her ex - she tells me she wants to be just friends with him, and wants to use this opportunity to see if they truly can be friends without having any kind of weirdness in the way, and see if he can handle it. b/c, they have tried to be friends in the past unsuccessfully, and it became a cycle of try being friends, fail, hook up, he pisses her off, break up, try being friends, fail, etc....

 

fact of the matter is, i know he's still interested in her... and despite all the crap he's pulled in the past, she, God knows why, still cares about him. i really hate being in this sitatuation, because im going to seem like the bad guy, because she might think i come off as 1) possessive, paranoid, and jealous, which im not (most of her friends are guys, and i dont mind that she hangs with them at all - its just, i dont think a girl who's attached has any business staying over at a guy friend's place, especially if its planned out like this), and 2) that i dont want her friendship with her ex to work at all, even tho i REALLY wish they were truly just friends so that i dont have to worry about it anymore.

 

*shrugs* not sure what to do... normally, when i imagine myself in these kinds of situation, its easy think "oh yea, id stick to my guns and do this and that..." but its much different when you're actually facing the situation...

 

i know tho, that im sorta using this as my own test - to see how much she cares for and is willing to make our relationship work.... if she does decide to go and stay those three nites, as much as its going to hurt, i think i have to break it off... and even if she doesnt go, im going to feel like i was the bad guy not letting her help out her ex, and she might get even more close to him.... =(

[Bryanp]

I am afraid it is time for a reality check. I strongly suggest you let her go and find someone who will put you as a priority and still notbe involved with an ex-boyfriend.

Look at what you have:

1 Your girlfriend has had a strong sexual relationship with her ex boyfriend for a couple of years and is determined even after the relationship ended to still be "best friends" even if she is now with you.

2. She informs you that he needs her help and she will have to spend 3 nights with him even though you strongly disapprove.

3. She is "testing" him to see if he can still be friends etc.

These are hugh red flags.

 

Do you really think she would accept this if the roles were reversed? What if you told her that you have had an ex girlfriend you were with for a couple of years and it was a very strong sexaul relationship and that you keep going back to her in the past just for sex and friendship. You now meet your girlfriend but you tell her that you and your ex have decided to remain "best friends" no matter what. You then tell her that your ex girlfriend needs your help and you will spend three nights at her home being a companion to some other people. Your new girlfriend tells you she feels uncomfortable but you reply this will be a test for your ex even though you know she still wants you. What is wrong this picture?

 

You would have to be out of your mind to accept this. First I would run away from a girlfriend who said her ex will always be her best friend and they will always communicate with each other. You will be competing with this guy forever and you know their sexual relationship was strong in the past so he will always be there for her to have a shoulder to cry on. Why would you want to be in this type of relationship in the first place? Your girlfriend has never really let go of this guy. Knowing how you feel if she goes and spends 3 nights over at his place then she is giving you a very strong message about where you stand. You would have to be a fool to accept this disrespect. You are still involved in a 3 way relationship. She should have cut her ties when she committed to you. If her former lover will always be her best friend and she will always communicate with him on an almost daily basis then you would have to be masochistic to stay in this relationship. All of the signs are right in front of your face and you are looking toward a world of hurt. If you do not mind sharing your girlfriend emotionally (at the very least if not sharing more) with her ex-lover and knowing they will always be in close contact and "best friends" and sharing a strong physical and emotional bond then I guess you will be all right. The bottom line is why you would want to settle for this and still be competing with her former lover for her attention and feelings? It really seems she has not gotten over this guy and she is playing mind games with you calling it a test. She sounds like a cakewoman who enjoys her new boyfriend (you) but also likes staying contacted with her former lover and boyfriend. You need to find someone else because she is guaranteed to break your heart.

I wish you luck but really this is a no brainer.

[Nostalghia]

Dump her sorry ass .... anyone that is SOOOOOO adamant about keeping a friendship with an ex to THIS extreme, you have to wonder. And SLEEPING over his place?! Come on!!! It IS a no-brainer ... he's going to tap her silly my friend. Do yourself a favour and get back out there and start meeting women that are eager to just sleep over YOUR place, you know what I'm saying!

[moimeme]

I think couples need to negotiate relationships with each others' exes. If my guy strongly objected to my continuing friendships with my exes, then I'd respect that and I would expect my exes to respect that, as well.

You should be her first priority, and if it makes you uncomfortable for her to spend nights at his house, then your wishes should come first and she should quit trying to be 'friends' with the ex.

 

You know a person loves you when that person places priority on your wishes.