I'm new to this, wanting to express my feelings on loving someone taken

[wonderingpanda]

Hey all, I never done this but I need a way of talking about my emotions and I can't do it with my friends I feel as if they may be judgemental and I don't want to hurt my friendships.

 

I'm falling in love with a friend who is in a relationship. It started about 1 year 1/2 ago, we had just met and around time that he had also began the relationship he is in right now, we hit if off really well I expressed my initial attraction but thought nothing of it since he was in a relationship. Well that didn't last too long he was attracted too and it didn't take too long before I gave in... I didn't think it we would really keep going after having sex the first time I thought "Oh God it was just a one time thing", but it just kept getting better and better we kept craving each other, initially be both tried to end it wanting to do the right thing but that wasn't so successful. At the time I also had another sexual partner but ended it with him since I stopped being attracted to him. It actually went from just being a "f***" to making love and I had never really wanted to do that because I haven't really cared about anyone the way I do about him. We now have this wonderful relationship/friendship I mean we just goof off all the time crack jokes on each other, we go out to eat, we spend time together, and the best part is just talking to him having conversations about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING! He is so funny and has got a great heart I really have come to appreciate him for the wonderful person that he is. He has told me that he would love to be with me if he were single, he thinks I wouldn't trust him if we were in a relationship, him and the gf don't have sex (apparently she isn't as open minded and adventurous more on the ordinary side), he wants me to be happy (with someone else I guess), it would hurt him to find out I'm seeing someone else and that through it all whatever happens he wants to keep me in his life he doesn't want to lose the friendship that we have.

 

He admitted he'd caught feelings for me that I had just became so important to him, and it was the same for me too I just didn't know how to react at that initial point, it was so scary I've always tried to stay away from just letting myself go and letting my feelings run wild but with him I want to really experience that! I want to be his only girl, I want to meet his family & friends be a part of his life... But then of course I do have a CONSCIENCE, and I think to myself "heck just work your relationship out! voice your thoughts express your emotions let her know what's up (not that he's cheating) but what he's lacking and maybe she'll be willing to make adjustments that would make them both happy!!!!" I'm sure she's a great girl that's just a subject I don't ask about but then I also think WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL!!!!!! To have a guy like him in her life? He's so friggin awesome, understanding, caring, handsome, (WONDERFUL LOVER), funny and how is she not all over this guy making him happy where he would not CONSIDER making a move on another girl!???!!!!! But then again I don't want to cut it off, it'd be easier if he did but he doesn't want to. And I don't feel that I should be asking him to be with me, I feel undeserving I can't just go and break people up what if it doesn't work out anyway? But then I wouldn't miss out on him for the world I love him but I guess there has to come a point where it has to get figured out right? I know that I'm not in a place where I can just MOVE ON, I have absolutely NO interest in seeing anyone or getting to know someone new, he's the only one I want and he makes me so happy over all, but like I said this obviously can't go on forever.... Guys I'm so sorry I just wrote a book here, but I'd love to her any comments, advice, thoughts anything...people who may have gone through something similar or have just lived life a little longer lol I'm quite young early 20s but I'm just kind of glad I got this off my chest

[bentnotbroken]

He isn't that frigging awesome if he does't have enough integrity to end things with her and just be with you. What's wrong with her? How about what's wrong with him, if he won't commit to you. He is cake eating and you are feeding him all he can handle.

[frannie]

Well I think you just about covered every aspect of what goes through most OW's minds on all counts . Except... he's not even married, and their relationship is no longer than yours and his (more or less?). So what's his reason for being with her and not you, exactly?

 

It started about 1 year 1/2 ago, we had just met and around time that he had also began the relationship he is in right now...

 

... He has told me that he would love to be with me if he were single

 

... he thinks I wouldn't trust him if we were in a relationship

 

... he wants me to be happy (with someone else I guess), it would hurt him to find out I'm seeing someone else

 

... whatever happens he wants to keep me in his life he doesn't want to lose the friendship that we have.

 

... I've always tried to stay away from just letting myself go and letting my feelings run wild but with him I want to really experience that! I want to be his only girl, I want to meet his family & friends be a part of his life...

 

It sounds to me like you're allowing him to use all the usual MM 'excuses' and yet I see no reason why you ARE allowing that? The only thing I can see is that you're possibly afraid to commit to someone who IS single (initially you were seeing someone, but ended it)..?

 

You're also asking:

 

... WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL!!!!!! To have a guy like him in her life? He's so friggin awesome, understanding, caring, handsome, (WONDERFUL LOVER), funny and how is she not all over this guy making him happy where he would not CONSIDER making a move on another girl!???!!!!!

 

As BNB said: what about HIM? Why is HE failing to sort his life out? Oh yes, because he doesn't have to. It's very easy to blame her for not being the woman he wants, but are you? Or does he want both of you.. the 'sexless' (if that's even true) woman at home and the one prepared to put out on the side?

 

Really... what is stopping him ending things with her?

[wonderingpanda]

OMG!!!! I'm so pathetic, I have been so blind....... Of course he doesn't have to do ANYTHING, I'm here not giving him one ISSUE to deal with. Did I become the best person to cheat with?.... Throughout this whole time he has NEVER had to worry about this situation coming out in the clear, I have tried to avoid any drama, I've always told him not to tell anyone because I don't want my name in anyone's mouth. And of course how perfect is this, let's just keep it a damn secret and he can have two girlfriend's at the same time... One to show around and one to fulfill the rest of his needs GREAT right?

 

I'm ridiculous, how could I just let his happen. I let him get used to the GOOD life, what would I NOT do for his guy.... Frannie u asked "... he's not even married, and their relationship is no longer than yours and his (more or less?). So what's his reason for being with her and not you, exactly?" I have no idea? I think he got so comfortable, and I mean obviously he must care about her I don't know I'm not gonna ask, I've hurt my pride and like someone said on here ignorance can really be BLISS in these situations... It is just so FUNNY I can't believe myself, I can't believe I wrote all that he's such a nice guy blah blah, he's not the worst but that aint the type of guy I want for myself, a coward who knew someone could really get their feelings hurt but doesn't do anything about it, and what was I thinking?

 

I do admit, I didn't go into this trying to get a relationship out of it, I just wanted to get MINE, and that's usually the way I go about it now I caught some serious feelings and he did it. He knew I was emotionally detached I just wanted sex, but as you all know sex can also grow attachments and he played his cards right , he didn't only want sex he wanted to make love, sleep with me & cuddle, he wanted my kisses, he wanted to hear me say that I love him, he would say all these nice things and the rest of the BS, and I fell for it!!!!!! I feel stupid, that never probably meant anything to him, and now my pride is so hurt, I want to cry I got played by the first person that I BOUGHT the whole story from. I don't know what to do should I just stay friends act like nothing happened and just avoid being alone where sex could happen? How do I move on, some people say the best way to get over someone is to get under another lol does that even work? I don't think so but I have to do something, I'm not a stupid girl I REFUSE to be one, I still feel bad about the gf I hope she doesn't find out he did this but I can't keep going where I'm seriously going to get hurt.... Thank you guys so much for the input, I'm so starting to realize what this is really about I want to scream uuugghhh

[Reggie]

Sounds like you are the backup plan. Despite what he tells you, he clearly values her more than you. Perhaps she has some qualities you lack. Is she better looking, smarter, more integrity? Be honest. He's done a cost benefit analysis and you came up short. His actions belie your feelings that he has better sex anda better time with you.

[wonderingpanda]

Oh God I feel sick! I never thought of that Reggie and it sucks, what if that's true? What if he really did that? I've met her she's cute and I'm hot but maybe she is the better person here.Am I not good enough?I'm not gonna let him decide that for me, I am my own person and I'm not gonna allow him to compare here I am not HIS and he's not MINE. Maybe she's the safe bet, and he is just pathetic as well, too scared to do the right thing for himself I just hope that I can be strong for myself I just care so much for him.

[Chinook]

No offense Panda but if he's not married and not got kids, you need to kick his lying ass to the curb. At least MM have excuses why they don't leave. This guy is simply using you and you're allowing it. He's not too scared of doing the right thing for himself at all. He doesn't need to. He has everything he needs right in front of him. He doesn't need to do anything or make any decisions. She's not the safe bet either... don't think for a moment you're not playing into his hands, he wants the secret kept more than you do most likely. Whilst he doesn't have to do anything life will just carry on being rosy and wonderful... for him. He is the only winner here and you two ladies are being used.

[wonderingpanda]

Well I not going to continue being the dumb one, he may be winning & I may be losing but I can't (won't) let him be more important to me than me and my own dignity, how did I put myself in this predicament? How did I just not see this coming!!!!! Do I just not love myself enough, have I been feeding on him making me feel good? Does this mean that there's something lacking in my life??!!! I am so confused :0( thanks Chinook and everyone else for making me THINK

[Reggie]

Oh God I feel sick! I never thought of that Reggie and it sucks, what if that's true? What if he really did that? I've met her she's cute and I'm hot but maybe she is the better person here.Am I not good enough?I'm not gonna let him decide that for me, I am my own person and I'm not gonna allow him to compare here I am not HIS and he's not MINE. Maybe she's the safe bet, and he is just pathetic as well, too scared to do the right thing for himself I just hope that I can be strong for myself I just care so much for him.

Yes, I am incredibly hot, myself. I mean it is not fair to other men. But, I once lost a girl to a guy that was only semi-hot. He had me by 3 points in the IQ dept. and his GPA was higher by about .212 points.Plus, he had earned about 3.72 % more on his 401k investments. I did have him in that my body fat was2% lower. But, his hair was marginally thicker.

[Chinook]

Well I not going to continue being the dumb one, he may be winning & I may be losing but I can't (won't) let him be more important to me than me and my own dignity, how did I put myself in this predicament? How did I just not see this coming!!!!! Do I just not love myself enough, have I been feeding on him making me feel good? Does this mean that there's something lacking in my life??!!! I am so confused :0( thanks Chinook and everyone else for making me THINK

It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or there is anything wrong with your self esteem. But it does mean that you're rather susceptible to listening to his patter. I know it's an old cliche, but when someone is devoted to you, they let you know it by their actions not just their words. Your guy may very well have strong feelings for you - but he also has strong feelings for his other GF too and he's not willing to give either of you up. I don't think you need to question your dignity. Now that you are fully aware and your rose tinted spectacles have disappeared maybe you should decide what YOU want. Maybe you should decide that you want to put you first instead of putting him first. But don't be surprised if he does have strong feelings for you that he will put up a fight... whether that includes making a decision is another matter and only one he will decide. He will have known though, this couldn't go on forever like this. Personally, if it were me, I would walk away because I couldn't really trust him.

[norajane]

he thinks I wouldn't trust him if we were in a relationship

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Of course you couldn't and wouldn't trust him if you were in a relationship! He's NOT trustworthy! His gf trusts him, and look what he's doing behind her back!

 

He's lying to his gf, he's been cheating her for how long now?

 

Dump this guy, and never look back. Do not even think of staying 'friends' with him. He's not your friend and never has been - he's been lying to you this whole time.

[wonderingpanda]

Oh goodness Reggie your funny!!! But I'd rather not compare myself to her, I think in the end we're all people some with advantages and some without. I'm not going to lie... I am awesome, chill, laid back, funny, wild, extra horny, nice, lovable e.t.c.. I think he might be losing here only time will tell, I do feel bad about his gf I'm sure she doesn't deserve this from him, and he doesn't deserve so much yummy cake. I feel bad though he'd been hurt real bad in his last relationship, he let go of himself and let the girl take advantage of him for a long time, but that's no excuse to be this way right?

[norajane]

No, it's no excuse. Just because someone treats you sh*tty, doesn't give you the right to treat other people sh*tty.

[wonderingpanda]

It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or there is anything wrong with your self esteem. But it does mean that you're rather susceptible to listening to his patter. I know it's an old cliche, but when someone is devoted to you, they let you know it by their actions not just their words. Your guy may very well have strong feelings for you - but he also has strong feelings for his other GF too and he's not willing to give either of you up. I don't think you need to question your dignity. Now that you are fully aware and your rose tinted spectacles have disappeared maybe you should decide what YOU want. Maybe you should decide that you want to put you first instead of putting him first. But don't be surprised if he does have strong feelings for you that he will put up a fight... whether that includes making a decision is another matter and only one he will decide. He will have known though, this couldn't go on forever like this. Personally, if it were me, I would walk away because I couldn't really trust him.

It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or there is anything wrong with your self esteem. But it does mean that you're rather susceptible to listening to his patter. Chinook that really helped, he can just sweet talk the life out of me, and I do believe that actions speak louder than words and he's just not doing that... Sometimes I think how do you love two people just so easily with no problems u see one in the morning the other at night? I look at him sometimes and wonder... I know that it's not easy for me to just date other guys and still be lovey dovey here and HE KNOWS THAT!!!!! He knows that I want him so bad, I don't want ANYONE else, so he really doesn't want ME! Or else it shouldn't be so easy to just be with her right? This is so hard to swallow right now, my chest feels heavy it's so hard to breath, I'm a strong girl but this is going to be so hard for me... Norajane you may be right, I may never fully trust him anyway 'cause I know how easy it was for him to cheat, but I refuse to believe he really isn't/hasn't been my friend at least??!!!

[Reggie]

Oh goodness Reggie your funny!!! But I'd rather not compare myself to her, I think in the end we're all people some with advantages and some without. I'm not going to lie... I am awesome, chill, laid back, funny, wild, extra horny, nice, lovable e.t.c.. I think he might be losing here only time will tell, I do feel bad about his gf I'm sure she doesn't deserve this from him, and he doesn't deserve so much yummy cake. I feel bad though he'd been hurt real bad in his last relationship, he let go of himself and let the girl take advantage of him for a long time, but that's no excuse to be this way right?

 

Well. it would appear that low self esteem is not your issue and you have the beginnings of a conscience, as well. Yummy cake?

Anyway, the guy wants two girlfriends and he is not giving his gf a say in the matter. Sounds like a person with low integrity.

[bentnotbroken]

Oh God I feel sick! I never thought of that Reggie and it sucks, what if that's true? What if he really did that? I've met her she's cute and I'm hot but maybe she is the better person here.Am I not good enough?I'm not gonna let him decide that for me, I am my own person and I'm not gonna allow him to compare here I am not HIS and he's not MINE. Maybe she's the safe bet, and he is just pathetic as well, too scared to do the right thing for himself I just hope that I can be strong for myself I just care so much for him.

 

 

I recently read a quotes somewhere that said the definition of hot is "saleable and f-able" I don't know if that is true or not, but it seems that you have been sold a bill of goods and well, he does get his freak on with you. Maybe you should rethink our part of this mess.

[norajane]

Norajane you may be right, I may never fully trust him anyway 'cause I know how easy it was for him to cheat, but I refuse to believe he really isn't/hasn't been my friend at least??!!!

 

Friends want the best for you, friends are honest, friends don't lie to you, friends look out for you.

 

Is that what he's done with you? No. He is happy to make you his little piece on the side while he carries on with his gf. He's not her friend either. He's just a lying, cheating, narcissistic jerk who obviously has charmed the pants off two women who really WANT to believe he's a good guy.

 

If you had a friend in your situation, what would you tell her? You would tell her to dump him to the curb, because you are looking out for her well-being. Well, HE is the one who PUT you in this situation, and HE is the one who is continuing it. If HE were really your friend, he'd have not gotten involved with you and he wouldn't be stringing you along like this because he'd want better for you than to be a cheater's other woman. He is not looking out for your well-being. He is only looking out for himself, he is only looking to get whatever he wants for himself.

[signedin2008]

It's obvious that he loves her, respects her and want to be with her for the long run. You're just a side dish to him that he like to use and yes, you're have been used.

 

He obviously see qualities in her that he does not see in you and that's why he choose her to be his official girlfirend and you to be his side fun. It's like a married man who loves his wife but still go to stripper and hooker. Why, because strippers and hookers are usually more entertaining and fun, but at the end of the day, married men love and respect their wifes who are not "cheap" and easy.

 

Do you know why he chooses her over you? Does she cheat like you do? Does she get involved with a guy who's involved? Is she the type of girl who would just like to have a F buddy? Men like to play with girls like that because they are fun, but they usually don't respect them or get into serious relationship with them because they think they're cheap, used and easy.

[wonderingpanda]

wow I'm just breaking down here thank you guys, I think I really needed that SLAP IN THE FACE, I have played the slut so well!!!!! But don't be fooled I'm not your cheap and easy type of girl, I just got into this situation by mistake I didn't realize what a f****d up thing I was doing and I'm SORRY to myself to him to everyone involved I have FOOLED myself, into thinking this had become something special ok? I couldn't feel worse guys but this maybe the way to see things clearer for what they truly are

[frannie]

Sounds like you are the backup plan. Despite what he tells you, he clearly values her more than you. Perhaps she has some qualities you lack. Is she better looking, smarter, more integrity? Be honest. He's done a cost benefit analysis and you came up short. His actions belie your feelings that he has better sex anda better time with you.

 

Uh yeah, that's why he's cheating on her. Oh to be so 'valued'

[frannie]

wow I'm just breaking down here thank you guys, I think I really needed that SLAP IN THE FACE, I have played the slut so well!!!!! But don't be fooled I'm not your cheap and easy type of girl, I just got into this situation by mistake I didn't realize what a f****d up thing I was doing and I'm SORRY to myself to him to everyone involved I have FOOLED myself, into thinking this had become something special ok? I couldn't feel worse guys but this maybe the way to see things clearer for what they truly are

 

Hey, don't get down on yourself for this. It's not YOU that's at fault here, he's the one messing around on the woman he supposedly 'values' (give me a break!). You just bought into his sob story. That doesn't make you a worthless piece of crap. He's the worthless piece of crap, don't forget that, whatever the cheater-apologists have to say

[Reggie]

Uh yeah, that's why he's cheating on her. Oh to be so 'valued'

 

Exactly. Having this guy "value" you is nothing to brag about. I'd run from a guy like this.

[Reggie]

Hey, don't get down on yourself for this. It's not YOU that's at fault here, he's the one messing around on the woman he supposedly 'values' (give me a break!). You just bought into his sob story. That doesn't make you a worthless piece of crap. He's the worthless piece of crap, don't forget that, whatever the cheater-apologists have to say

 

Part of this is clearly wrong. She is not a piece of crap, etc. But, she does bear responsibility for involving herself with a cheater.

[frannie]

Part of this is clearly wrong. She is not a piece of crap, etc. But, she does bear responsibility for involving herself with a cheater.

 

Responsibility to whom? Herself? If so, then so what? That's her mistake to make.

[frannie]

Well. it would appear that low self esteem is not your issue and you have the beginnings of a conscience, as well. Yummy cake?

Anyway, the guy wants two girlfriends and he is not giving his gf a say in the matter. Sounds like a person with low integrity.

 

Hey look at you offering support oh I'm sorry it's sarcasm and bashing someone who came here looking for input. I hope that makes you feel good .

 

Yes, he does sound like a person with low integrity. Couldn't agree with you more. Which is why it's hilarious to hear how he's 'choosing the woman with more to offer'. Yeah, I'd love to be his chosen one. Bet she's going to feel really special later when she finds out what a toerag he is.