how do I find the strength to walk away

[UnderAttack]

Hello

 

Please can someone tell me how they found the strength to walk away?

 

On the face of it I have a good life - we both have jobs, nice house, over 20 years together, good holidays, friends, etc but in reality I lead a life that no-one would believe.

 

Over time I've been hit, beaten, shouted at, screamed at etc etc. I even lost my baby when he beat me up when I was pregnent.

 

I'm no angel, but surely I don't deserve this.

 

Much of what happens now is a result of two things....

 

1. I had an affair with my supposedly seperated boss when I was in my early twenties. This was before I met my current partner (P), but he thinks it is so disgusting he likes to remind me what a slut I am.

 

2. In 1994 when P and I had been together about 8 years I had a crush on a friend - nothing happened, I don't think the other man was even aware of it. When P found out (I told him, because we said we should have no secrets) he beat me black and blue almost every day for a month.

 

There are other complications but these are the two primary issues.

 

Now P relates everything I do back to these things, and because I know both were wrong I let P take the moral high ground and "accept" the beatings or the shouting (the physical violence stopped about 3 years ago but the shouting goes on).

 

I don't want it to go on and on till I die so how do I get out of this accepting state of mind and tell myself I deserve better and walk away? P says it's simple to stop the arguments - if I do the right things and say the right things he won't shout.

 

 

Now I know I can get into MY car and drive away and rent a flat wih MY salary - but that's not the problem. It's getting my confidence back - it's knowing I'm doing the right thing by walking out and not listening to the voices which say "it won't happen again", " it can be good", "you're throwing a good life away", "just toe the line it will be OK". It's being sure he won't continue to abuse me on the phone, or hurt my mother (which he has threatened to do), or write to my colleagues at work and tell them what a slut I am (which he has also threatened to do if I leave), and it is trying to put aside the fact that sometimes we have good times, and there is no violence.

 

Any books or advice on getting confidence and self esteem back would be greatly appreciated

 

 

Thanks if you read this far.

U_A

[amaysngrace]

He is trying to keep you in line by threatening what he'd do if you cross that line. He doesn't treat you like a wife...he treats you like a child.

 

Why is it that there are rules for you to follow while he can say things and act in ways that make him a total scumbag? How is that okay?

 

Talk about your double standards.

[Yamaha]

You have to realize this is not being done by a man that loves you. He is controlling you by telling you you're worthless and making you feel guilty.

Men who do this are very insecure themselves so they manipulate others to build their self esteem.

 

To learn to walk away you have to know you are a worthwhile person. He has convinced you that everything is your fault to keep you in control. A man that loves you does not beat you black and blue to show his love and concern. You know this is true but you are afraid. It takes courage to take that step and learn to stand up for yourself but staying with him is accepting his treatment of you. You have to respect yourself enough to say no more. You have to respect yourself to know this man does not love you and you deserve to be loved and appreciated.

 

Is there anybody you can talk to to help you take that step?

Many cities have hot lines for people that are abused. Please make that call and start living a life you deserve to live.

[Ocean-Blue]

Ask yourself if this is how you want to live. He's been this way for 20 years. What makes you think he will change?

 

He is exerting control because of some kind of inadequacy on his part. He is not worth the time or the effort.

[Nikki Sahagin]

This is hard because of the time that this has gone on. It's become the norm, acceptable, you've kind of gotten used to it and tolerated it for a time and when we do this we become desensitised to it. The initial shock of the first hit becomes just another occurance. But you can't go on like this. Life is so short, seize what remains. Give the control back to you. It's disgusting and sick for a man to behave like this. Yes you've made mistakes but it is not for him to punish you, and even if it was, he's punished you enough. You are a bird in a cage and the door is open for you, you just have to fly out. You can do it. YOU DESERVE MORE.

[UnderAttack]

Thanks for all your replies. I guess there were no surprises in what you all said, and in my heart I know what he does is wrong.

 

I will try to find someone unbiased to talk to. I did tell a friend but he couldn't understand that I could let a couple of good things over-rule a beating. He gave up trying to help.

 

When things are OK between us and I'm glad of the calm, but I know one day when he starts shouting I will have to go. One day I will say enough is enough and just walk.

 

Is it normal for an abuser to be such a Jekyll and Hyde character? Being nice as anything, buying me presents, giving me cuddles and then BAM the shouting starts because he didn't like my tone of voice? It doesn't make sense to me because I rarely lose my temper - but then perhaps that's my problem. I accept far too much.

 

thanks again

U_A

[amaysngrace]

Is it normal for an abuser to be such a Jekyll and Hyde character? Being nice as anything, buying me presents, giving me cuddles and then BAM the shouting starts because he didn't like my tone of voice?

 

Yes it's how they operate. Treat you nice and then treat you bad knowing you'll stay in hopes that they will be nice again. It's a cycle.

 

It sucks.