Miracles do happen (to esp. Tony)

[Dragonflys]

Tony,

 

I thank you again for your advice and given the way it looked you were likely to be right.

 

Anyway an amazing thing happened, I decided to play it cool and stopped calling and seeing for three days. When I saw her I smiled and talked to other people. Today I called and when she came to see me gave me look that said she really missed me and realised that she needs me around.

 

So we are staying together. We discussed it all thoroughly. She told me the reason she wanted to go back to freindship was the added pressure of a relationship and the implications of a breakup at a later time. I explained to her that things would change if we went back to freinds because we would both be fair game and I would be back hunting and not working on us anymore. Knowing that reality, she is willing for us to continue the relationship without putting pressure and expectations on each other and knowing there would be no hard feelings if it didn't work out later. She does have feelings for me that are developing and need time, same for me.

 

So we go into this knowing where we stand and we are romantic again. This time without any pressure or expectations. Its great.

 

Have you ever heard of a couple doing it this way and do you think it can work?. It sounds pretty unconventional.

 

Whatever happens at least I can make sure in the meantime that I can develop my independant self so if it ends later I am better prepared and not left lonely with nothing to do. I can also have some more fun with her..and we do have lots of fun together!.

[Desperado]

Sigh......you are so lucky to have a girl who's willing to understand the complexity of a platonic relantionship...I'm in a similar fix....only that I was much more desperate and that threw her off completey.....is there any tips you could give me to persuade her to give me another try?

[Tony T]

Congratulations on getting back together.

 

If you can keep your cool, not let the relationship totally engulf your entire being, and relax along the way the chances of the two of you staying together are good. Treat her nicely, give her plenty of space, and just don't worry so much.

 

When you stopped calling, it showed her you could live without her and she didn't want that. But now, if you start being too nice, you could destroy things again. This lady wants a bit of a challenge so don't be around all the time...do your own thing with your guy friends apart from her.

 

Chill and good luck!!!

[Lisa]

My exbf and I tried what Oliver is doing with his gf right now. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a preliminary to the ultimate break up. Largely because neither of us was able to really follow through with what we agreed during that discussion; we DIDN'T spend more one on one time, instead we continued hanging out with a bunch of other people and this precluded what we had also agreed on: talking more about "us", being open and communicative. We, did, however give each other more "space" and did but back from spending 6 days a week to 3 days a week which made it more exciting to see each other. But one of us wanted more than this; I don't know which one because we didn't talk about it. And so it ultimately fell apart. It may not have had to, but it did.

 

So to Oliver: Good luck and I hope it works. Just be sure to remember what you want, and don't dare to hope too much in case you are setting yourself up for disapointment.Give each other space and stay busy with your own interests.

 

And to Desperado: I don't know what to advise you. Obviously, I failed at this. But good luck with whatever you decide.

[Dragonflys]

Thankyou Tony,

 

It is clear from my point of view that this relationship is entering a new phase. We know where we stand, and I have no expectations..I'll just have fun.

 

What you said is spot on, because of lack of experience I was initially too attentive of her, even though I gave her space, I basically worshipped her when she was with me.

 

It was clear she hated that, she wants a man who can look after himself, rather than hang off her. A good lesson to learn and one I will benefit from.

[Dragonflys]

Desperado

 

I think it all depends whether she still has feelings for you. If she does and you still spend time around her, then do what I did and cease being around her. Be happy and relaxed and act like you can look after yourself (even if it is difficult..I know I was a mess over the three days..just don't show her that). A few days absence gives everyone perspective. I just remember looking at my girlfreind yesterday and all seemed new again, she felt the same way.

 

However if the feelings are gone or were never there then there is nothing you could do or could have done.