I’m in a functional marriage not a love marriage

[Garner14]

I’m in a functional marriage not a love marriage

 

I started dating my wife in 2002. Wanted to break up with her several times, but she always seemed to say or do something to keep me round.

 

She is from India before I met her she finished med school and started her residency training as an O B G Y N. She hated it. So she was not motivated to progress with her peers and after failing 3 evaluations she was asked to leave the program after the first year.

 

Her visa only allowed her to stay in the country if she was working in the medical field, so she stayed illegally.

After realizing the severity of the situation she only had one option, sue. She sued on discrimination grounds. With no money to pay her mortgage and other bills and to proud to go home a failure she just waited for a miracle.

 

She worked at sales jobs that didn’t ask for a green card, and she made enough to pay her bills.

That's where we met. I don't know why I liked her just always dated people from work and had been alone for so long.

 

I was using drugs heavily and was not thinking clearly back then. So we started dating. I had my own place and she had hers. After about 3 months I moved in with her partly because she said she needed help paying her bills and she only needed $200 dollars a months. This sounded good to me because it mint more money for pot, and less pressure to make sales.

 

She never approved of pot being smoked in her house but a friend of hers told her to let me be myself, so she did. We had sex every Saturday night. She was very into sex in the begging, telling me what is liked and how to get her off. I could never seem to do it right, so I would get mad.

 

After a few months of this she started saying, "Don't worry about me I don't care about sex or getting orgasms, so just get yourself off". I held out a few Saturdays buy she just kept saying that so I did, I just got myself off.

 

This has gone on for 6 years now. Soon after, I wanted sex every day and again only getting myself off. Every day with a condom started to hurt her and it burned so bad one night she started crying, but the lights were off and I didn’t see or hear her so I keep going, she said about a 2 years ago I raped her; I guess she was saying stop in the mind. But how was I support to know.

 

I started working less, smoking more pot, and wanting more sex this went on from July 2002 to June 5 2005. Sometime between then I stopped using a condom (because it was hurting her) and starting using no condom just pulling out at the end. She soon got pregnant, and I quickly said, “I am leaving but I’ll pay child support”.

 

June 5, 2005 was the date I quit smoking pot and the cloud in my mind started to clear. I could not believe the monster I was. I used this woman for a free place to live, and sex and if I didn’t get sex I would be a jerk. So, now after June 5 my life was to try and redeem myself for all the pain I caused her. I got a full time job, and gave her all the money. Tired to stop having sex with her, but she kept saying, "Just do it, you’re a guy you need it, it’s ok just make it quick".

Sometimes I would sometimes I wouldn't.

 

I knew the main thing she needed, the thing that would help her the most, away I could really redeem myself for all the hurt, marry her so she could get a green card and apply for another residency program. So, on January 20 2006 she asked me for the dozens time and this time I said yes, "Let’s just do it". With no love in my heart only guilt and remorse and memories of what I had done; I married this woman from India, 20 years older than me, with a med degree and a PhD who is (in my opinion) who has scars for life, never to make love with me or enjoy sex with me ever.

 

And that’s the way it’s been and I see no reason it's going to change. Other than liking the same music we have nothing in common, we fight 75% of the time we are together and of course no sex. Most of the time I tell myself this is a lifelong prison sentence for treating her the way I did. But she wants kids in February and I just don't know if I want to live out this prison sentence.

 

She got her green card and is in a residency program now. If we have kids then I’ll truly be sentenced for life in this functional, love less marriage.

 

So should I ask for a divorce or stick-it out?

[Nikki Sahagin]

This is a marriage for all the wrong reasons.

 

You were on drugs at the time and using her for money. She was your cash cow. You were also not mentally or emotionally sound, secure or stable enough to consent to a marriage.

 

You said yourself you married her out of guilt - to give her a green card and felt you'd repaid a debt.

 

You married her for the wrong reasons and this was very short-sighted of you and quite naive really.

 

I say get out before any more damage is done but continue to be a father.

 

This doesn't sound healthy for anybody involved.

[whichwayisup]

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HER.

 

Tell her the truth, you owe her that and most of all, you owe yourself that. Get a divorce! Don't stay with her out of guilt! You've both made some bad choices and it seems there's no love between you two. I'm sure BOTH of you will be relieved, so please, talk to her, be honest and divorce.

[Mr. Lucky]

I started working less, smoking more pot, and wanting more sex this went on from July 2002 to June 5 2005. Sometime between then I stopped using a condom (because it was hurting her) and starting using no condom just pulling out at the end. She soon got pregnant, and I quickly said, “I am leaving but I’ll pay child support”.

You didn't have a child with her here?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Garner14]

But luckily she had a miscarriage two weeks later. I still believe she lied about being pregnant. I had broken up with her and moved out for like the fifth time, a few days later she shows up at my new place saying she was pregnant. So I moved back in with her and a few weeks later, after it seemed that I was there to stay, she tells me she had a miscarriage though the night. How convenient. ps how can I edit my first reply

[Geishawhelk]

You can't. you have a very short time to do so.

otherwise, if it's important, ask a Mod. if not, just leave it and post a correction or clarification later.

 

By the way.

GET OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE - NOW.

[RecordProducer]

She got her green card and is in a residency program now.

OK, you helped her in the only way you could and that she needed. Now be a gentleman and free her from the terrible marriage she is in, let her find a man of her age who will respect her and love her truly.

 

She can't possibly be happy with you. Divorce is not part of her mindset, so she stays with you for the wrong reasons. She might be hurt if you tell her you want to leave, but you will really do her a big favor.

[Garner14]

well said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Garner14]

is anyone out there?

[clv0116]

You married a chick from India who was 20 year older than you? I'm just making sure I understand this.

[desertmoon]

Hello garner! you both used each other. No use feeling guilty about it. She needed you to stay in this country, you needed her because you were a pot-head. She probably did lie about the pregnancy---she knows about that stuff, wouldnt she? she is after all an OBGYN resident, right? I bet you, the only reason she tolerated you all these years was because she has not gotten the very thing she needed from you---marriage--which in turn would've allowed her to get a green card (legal immgrant/resident status in the US)-which she has now. That should all be it then, right? except that,three things:

 

1) You are consumed with guilt for the things you have done to her in your great marijuana fog--therefore you want to make more amends now

 

2) She probably won't leave you because she knew that exploiting you while in a drug haze was wrong and feels a sense of obligation to remain loyal to you.

 

3) Her biological clock is ticking....and why not have a child with this man?

 

It looks like you do not want to stay in this marriage..so don't. You have given her what she needed-she is a doctor (hopefully passes all her evals this time) and therefore she will be financially ok-not that you were ever a financial rock to her, anyway.

 

Kids? oh dear....she is a intelligent woman--to her you are nothing but somebody who can take her from point A to B. Now that she has her green card, and enrolled in a residency program...well...she wants kids---you, my dear, are her sperm donor.

 

Not judging here, but if you think-donating a sperm to her is a noble cause---then go for it....remember, that's a life you will forever be responsible for...

[Garner14]

yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!