Going to be living together for 3 months!

[Maggs]

In 22 days, I'm flying to see my BF and we're going to do sort of a trial 3-month stint of living together. He really wanted it in the beginning, but I'm starting to warm to the idea of why we need it so much. It was difficult at first because it means me leaving my job and being unemployed for about 4 months. And having to trust in him to support me when and if it's necessary. We spent the first year of our relationship living fairly close to each other and seeing each other quite regularly. As in a 'normal' relationship. Until my visa expired and had to move back to my home country.

 

Anyways, all the anxieties and fears are setting in. I found out at the first time we visited in an LDR, that the few weeks leading up to a visit are the hardest, not the easiest! I'm worried that he won't live up to his promise of supporting me when I need it. And I hope that we can still get along the same way before we moved apart. A few days are great together, but a few months is a different story!

 

He's talked about marriage in the past, before I moved back here. But he's since dwindled off that conversation and is more waiting in the moment to see how things go. I don't plan to bring up the topic while I'm there because I don't want him to feel like I'm putting the pressure on but we will have to discuss before I leave, what the plan will be. My plan will be to move out of my parents (I stayed here for the last 8 months when I moved back home) and to get a new job elsewhere. So once I'm in an apartment, I probably won't be able to afford to go over to visit anymore and it'll all be up to him. I've told him this before so he already knows.

 

Has anyone done this before? Any suggestions/ideas or anything we should avoid doing not to put too much pressure on the short amount of time we have together?

[Island Girl]

In 22 days, I'm flying to see my BF and we're going to do sort of a trial 3-month stint of living together. He really wanted it in the beginning, but I'm starting to warm to the idea of why we need it so much. It was difficult at first because it means me leaving my job and being unemployed for about 4 months. And having to trust in him to support me when and if it's necessary. We spent the first year of our relationship living fairly close to each other and seeing each other quite regularly. As in a 'normal' relationship. Until my visa expired and had to move back to my home country.

 

Whew Maggs. I know it is easier to say than do but relax. Try not to think about the bigger picture and just enjoy it as you would if you were in the same country and just taking that expected next step.

 

I KNOW it is hard. It is like that 800 lb gorilla in the room because there is the "after" and that this is a trial period etc.

 

The best thing I can tell you is just be who you would normally be. And hopefully he will be too. Make an agreement to talk about your feelings honestly when you are there - if it seems weird at all or if you think the other is acting withdrawn or forced.

 

When I flew to marry my husband we hadn't seen each other for 3 years. We had lived together for almost a year before that but there was a 3 year gap (I think that is HUGE).

I was concerned as to how we would act together, how we would be together, what would he do when we saw each other at the airport? Was he going to hug me or kiss me? Was it going to feel awkward?!

 

In the end, I got off the plane - he called to me and I ran into his arms. From that moment on it was just as if we'd been together the entire time. We just settled in to being together. Conversations were the same as they had been on the phone, etc.

 

Anyways, all the anxieties and fears are setting in. I found out at the first time we visited in an LDR, that the few weeks leading up to a visit are the hardest, not the easiest! I'm worried that he won't live up to his promise of supporting me when I need it. And I hope that we can still get along the same way before we moved apart. A few days are great together, but a few months is a different story!

 

Again, easier said than done - but try not to worry. Don't think of the few months. Just realize it is a few days extended. Believe in him and what you have promised to each other. Of course you are going to be nervous - but that is the same in any relationship. We all have our fears when we are trusting someone. It is getting closer so the fear gets magnified. Just tell yourself that and I hope it helps. I know it is hard -- I know! I know!

 

He's talked about marriage in the past, before I moved back here. But he's since dwindled off that conversation and is more waiting in the moment to see how things go. I don't plan to bring up the topic while I'm there because I don't want him to feel like I'm putting the pressure on but we will have to discuss before I leave, what the plan will be.

 

I agree to back off the topic and just deal with what is happening now. See how it goes - (I think it will be fine but both of you have fears and it would be ridiculous if you didn't at this point!). Don't bring up the conversation. It will happen when it is supposed to and when you are both comfortable. He knows the discussion has to happen before you leave too. But it doesn't have to happen right away so just get there and enjoy each other first.

 

My plan will be to move out of my parents (I stayed here for the last 8 months when I moved back home) and to get a new job elsewhere. So once I'm in an apartment, I probably won't be able to afford to go over to visit anymore and it'll all be up to him. I've told him this before so he already knows.

 

What will be all up to him? -- Moving or just visiting? I don't understand.

If he already know this then it will be an easy conversation (or at least the subject has already been broached).

 

Has anyone done this before? Any suggestions/ideas or anything we should avoid doing not to put too much pressure on the short amount of time we have together?

 

My husband left in January of 2003. I saw him in July that same year for a week. It was wonderful - and then when I left we didn't have any idea when we would see each other again. And we didn't see each other for another three years. We still made it - we are still together and now married. So no matter what happens things can be worked out.

 

Just have faith and I am SO excited for you! And WAY jealous (I can't lie!)

[Maggs]

 

What will be all up to him? -- Moving or just visiting? I don't understand.

If he already know this then it will be an easy conversation (or at least the subject has already been broached).

 

 

The visiting will be pretty much up to him. I won't be able to afford it, or visit very often after being there so often the last couple of years. They seem to frown on that going through customs. When I left, he made a lot of promises about marriage and when I would move back with him and he's gone back on all of them. Well gone back and delayed them much, much longer. So I feel it's not really fair for me to spend another year working in a non-full time position and living with my parents and hoping something will change. That's why I'm making my own plan for myself to move out. Is he aware of this. I just feel that if he has no plans for our future apart from still being a couple and being long distance, then I need to start making my own plan for myself here.

 

I'm definitely trying my best everyday to just relax and enjoy it while I'm there, but I think the past weighs heavily on my mind. The longer we've been together, the more it seems he's pulling back on any future we will have. I try not to mention it anymore. Only because after being shot down a few times, I just sort of gave up in asking what is going to happen in the future. It's definitely hard. I've got a boyfriend who seems to flip easily from one side to the other--wants to get married and for me to move back with him--then a month later he's wanting to just wait and see and isn't ready for that right now.

 

Thank you for replying...your response has made me feel better. No doubt I'll be posting lots while I'm gone.

[Island Girl]

The visiting will be pretty much up to him. I won't be able to afford it, or visit very often after being there so often the last couple of years. They seem to frown on that going through customs. When I left, he made a lot of promises about marriage and when I would move back with him and he's gone back on all of them. Well gone back and delayed them much, much longer. So I feel it's not really fair for me to spend another year working in a non-full time position and living with my parents and hoping something will change. That's why I'm making my own plan for myself to move out. Is he aware of this. I just feel that if he has no plans for our future apart from still being a couple and being long distance, then I need to start making my own plan for myself here.

 

Wow. I don't really know what to say about him going back on his promises. Does he have commitment issues? Trust issues? In any event you certainly have every reason to feel like you do and that it isn't fair or hasn't been fair for you to make the sacrifices (financially especially) and not have any sort of a plan.

 

When he did make promises were they entailing you moving there permanently? If so, he may just be a phobe waiting to see what happens when you are around each other long enough "for the magic to wear off".

 

In my mind it may never wear off -- in my case it hasn't and for many I know it hasn't but he could be one of those people who thinks things CAN'T be that good in RL. And that when issues happen (again in RL) is when you see the true self.

 

I understand you must have a direction in your life and that you have to have goals with him or without him. If he is dragging his feet and now must make more of an effort - at least you'll see if he is truly in it as much as you are or have been up to this point.

 

I'm definitely trying my best everyday to just relax and enjoy it while I'm there, but I think the past weighs heavily on my mind. The longer we've been together, the more it seems he's pulling back on any future we will have. I try not to mention it anymore. Only because after being shot down a few times, I just sort of gave up in asking what is going to happen in the future. It's definitely hard. I've got a boyfriend who seems to flip easily from one side to the other--wants to get married and for me to move back with him--then a month later he's wanting to just wait and see and isn't ready for that right now.

 

It sounds like you should just leave it where it is. Enjoy the time as much as possible. Do not bring it up and frankly if he does I'd lightheartedly say actions speak louder than words and leave it at that. Because if it were me I wouldn't want those great promises that can be said but changed. I'd want to see it crystal clear. I mean you have been together an awfully long time. You have every reason to expect your relationship to move forward. If that is what you need to make you happy than it is what you should pursue. If that means it ends up being pursued with someone else because he could get his act together so be it. But you'll know that soon enough. Just enjoy spending time together and it will work out the way it is supposed to work out.

 

Thank you for replying...your response has made me feel better. No doubt I'll be posting lots while I'm gone.

 

Sorry it took so long. My coconut-head husband was being a belligerent butthead and really making me avoid other things.

[Maggs]

Island Girl--in response to you, sorry I'm late getting back as well.

 

We discussed what we'd like to do in our future together before I left the UK last February. We both talked about getting married and because that's the only way to be permanently together now (no other visas), than that's what we would do eventually. He has a son there, from a previous relationship. So the option has always been I'd move there. Well as I had understood it, we'd be doing this sooner rather than later. He said that we wouldn't be apart for years and assured me when I left that we'd only be apart for a short time and then we'd talk about moving me back. He said we'd have a few visits then talk about it. Well we've had a few visits and it's only been 9 months, but then he mentioned over the summer about him wanting me to come there for an extended visit. I can only do this once really. For financial reasons and because of not wanting to have customs people suspect anything.

 

But since then he's not so much said 'I don't want to get married' it's more of a not right now, not ready kind of thing. Which I in turn got angry about because I said he shouldn't have joked around and talked so much about getting married if he wasn't ready for it yet. He said he just talked about it because it's something he wanted to do in the future. Along with that and a few other stray comments about people bugging him about when he's going to propose (family or friends), that's sort of made me back off in saying anything more about it. I've said things since like....I hope this all works out and we'll be together and this won't have all been for nothing. And he'll say he hopes so too.

 

That's why after these few months there, I'm just going to start doing my own thing here again. Because I put my life on hold for something I thought would happen fairly soon and it hasn't. And I don't really want to do it again. I know he is a bit wary of commitment, only because of being burned in the past. But he has said to me before that I'm the first and only person he's seen himself getting married to.

 

So....that about sums it up. Sometimes he seems to really back off and be a bit wary about it, other times he'll make some comment and it makes me think that he still wants all of it. His future timeline just might be different than mine.

[Teuen101]

Truth is important in a LDR- I had almost the same kinda deal we moved into gether for 3 months she didnt work- I paid everything without a problem-

 

Then I seen her texting a guy about meeting and then nothing I could to make her happy- she had checked out- I know our deals are defrent-

 

all im saying is truth is important becasue you two are so far apart-