Jealous and a bit angry of her past..

[Ayemtee]

Well let me start off by saying that my girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months now. At the beginning of the relationship we covered all the basics but each other's past was the main topic of discussion. She's 22 and she told me that she's only had sex with one other person which was her first boyfriend when she was 16. Now this is where it gets tricky. She said when we met, summer of 2008, that that last time she had sex was two years ago. Now follow closely. Two years ago she was single. The year before that she was with her second boyfriend who she said she did not have sex with.

 

I already figured the numbers in my head one night and confronted her. I told her I knew she was lying about her sex history because the last time she had sex was when she was single. After I told her she dropped this on me.

 

Apparently her first boyfriend had came back into her life and asked her to marry him. Supposedly she took him back and for 6 months they were kicking it until he cheated on her again with an ex girlfriend of his and got her pregnant.

 

Moving on..from 2006 to the summer of 2008 was her period of being single. Now only until later did I find out that for about ten months she was "friends" with some security guard who she said 'was the sexiest guy ever until she met me' (load of ****, the until me part).

 

Now I guess this is where the paranoia and insecurities of my own come into play. But I remember specifically when we were starting out that she said that its not possible for her to have guy friends who are either a) attractive or b) attracted to her, and that c) she doesnt do guy friends.

 

So I'm sitting here thinking okay wtf? You have this attractive ass guy for 10 months as a friend? Whats even worse is that she said they were friends but she gave him her number but nothing ever happened because he tried to dog her out. So I'm asking myself why would she ever be friends with someone like that? She hates guys like that. The whole story isn't adding up to me.

 

She had an attractive guy as a friend (contradiction to her past statements)

 

She was attracted to him and considered him a friend (contradiction to her past statements)

 

The guy tried to play her for a one night stand and she was still cool with him (contradiction to her past statements)

 

 

We had a huge fight over this the night I found out and she told me that no she didn't do anything with him, he was just there everytime she went to the mall and she would flirt around in a "friendly way" when they saw each other....for 10 months? and you had his number in your phone? and you txt'ed each other? I dont get it. That isn't a friend. Is she hiding something from me?

 

And I guess to put icing on the cake of my paranoia, she said that "even if anything did happen between me and him its none of your business because its in my past and I didn't know you" I don't understand it. If nothing happened then why is she getting so damn upset about it and being so defensive saying "dont judge me"?

 

That's not all but I guess I served up the biggest concern first. Overall I hardly find out about things until I really catch her trying to hide something. I don't believe she's cheating on me but I'm worried that it might happen because she hides the smallest things from me and when I find out its like "well damn something like that you could've easily told me instead of hiding it or lying about it until I find out"

 

The trust is not there. And everytime I try to talk things over with her she gets all nasty and has a disgusting attitude and starts crying saying things like "I can't be with a guy who doesn't trust me" But she has no idea how hard she makes it for me to trust her. I tell her everything, even about a night I went to a strip club and had a stripper shake her privates right in my face (this was before I met her btw). I got grilled hard for it but that's just how honest I am with her. And I don't get the same in return.

 

She said she's scared to tell me things because I get mad but who wouldn't get angry after their partner has been hiding it for some time and finally decides to tell them?

 

Any help would be appreciated, and sorry for the essay.

[onlyicansee]

Dude your acting way out of line... Why are you harping her over this? Who cares if she hung out with a hot guy, ****ing him or not. Your girls past isn't even shady, and she met him at the mall for god sakes. Get over it, man I would be ****ing clicking my heels together if I were you. Jesus dude, shes not the problem - you are!

[lady_door]

I get that it bothers you that she's lying about her past. What I don't get though, is why you even care so much? It's her past, it's ove, she's with you now. Why does it matter whether or not she screwed some guy before she was with you?

[Ayemtee]

Well to be fair I'd like to say that it shouldn't what she's done in the past. But to turn the other cheek to certain actions of your partners past to me is quite foolish. A person's past tells you alot about the person's being. A book could have a lovely cover of beautiful flowers and chamomile tea and all kinds of other delightful **** but have the nastiest history written within.

 

The fact that my girlfriend is lying about her past shows me that she has something to hide, something that she is ashamed of. I have more to add. Just today I sat back and wondered on a certain question she asked me a couple months back.

 

 

"Would you stay with your gf if she had another bf during your relationship?" Of course I answered no and then proceeded to ask her why. She answered "I dunno just wondering" I asked her again knowing her answer was bs. She said dunno, I asked again this time asking if it has to do with one of her boyfriends, she said yes after a pause. I asked if it was her second ex, she said yes after a pause. I asked if he had another girlfriend, and she told me yes with a fairly jumbled history.

 

Now today I sat wondering why it sounded so fishy so I emailed her at work asking her "Why did you ask me if I'd stay with my gf knowing she had another bf?"

 

and her reason was completely different this time:

 

"oh its cause my cousin lisa's bf did stuff with a spanish friend of his while they were together"

 

I then asked her:

 

"so why did you tell me that you're second boyfriend had another chick on the side?"

 

She then played coy acting like she was confused.

 

I decided to call her twin sister she tells everything to and asked her:

 

"Hey, do you know Suria's second bf? Did she tell you that her second boyfriend had another chick on the side?"

 

The answer was a definite no. In fact, she had no idea and was surprised Suria didn't tell her because they share everything. I told her sister to not say anything at this point because I'm onto something.

 

I emailed my girlfriend back and said "Did you boyfriend have a chick on the side while you were with him?"

 

She replied yes, I then asked if her sister knew...she replied "dunno" I asked again and I got "why does it matter?" I asked again and got "Why? why is it important?" I called her sister and now her sister is confused but chooses to remain silent because she to believes that her sister is lying about something. I just got a phone call from my girlfriend and I asked her if her sister knew and she attacked me on the phone screaming and crying saying that it didn't matter and hung up.

 

Any thoughts?

[lady_door]

Jesus.... you definitely worry way too much. Why even be in a relationship with her if you don't trust her at all?

[Ayemtee]

Why be with someone who isn't going to be honest with you? The trust would be there if she were an honest person.

[Charles1978]

You are making a big mistake here. Her past is her past. She is entitled to keep that private. If you continue with this, the relationship will end. Then what do you have? Nothing. You may not like the fact that she has a right to her personal secrets, but that's just the way it is. Again, if you continue, you're gonna get dumped.

[Ayemtee]

You're right. Just like I'm entitled to my past, she is hers. Thanks.

 

I dunno what my problem is though. Its like when I think of her past, the paranoia of her being the type of girl I'd rather not commit to is very overwhelming.

 

I don't care that there are more attractive guys than me, that I accept. Its not so much who she was with in her past its more of what her morals were like back then. If they were crappy morals I'm afraid that it might carry over to the present and just **** on what I have with her now.

 

I'm gonna dead all the questions about her past. What really matters now is what we have and how she treats me and she treats me very well.

[onlyicansee]

Ok so she treats you very well, and what matters is what you two have between each other.... Your words not mine... So what are you doing? She is 22? Man, she is young, and you can only bet that she has at least one, if not a couple shameful secrets that she regrets from her days of being young and dumb and under the influence of puberty.

 

Man, **** happens there is probably not a single person you will meet that has lived a life with no regrets, not secrets, and is completely happy with every action they ever made. She might have done some really scary **** like eat a baby fetus or maybe even worse like jerk a guy off at the mall, but what does it matter? Especially if she is over that part of her life. People make mistakes, learn, and change.

 

Your telling me there isn't at least one secret under your belt? Your telling me that there isn't one thing your keeping from her, or maybe something you never did do but wished you had done, or anything?

 

If you cant trust her, or accept her stories rather they are true or false, then why are you with her? You obviously dont love her, not at least the way you are talking about her here. Is she beautiful? Do you just hold on to that? IF so, that is all the wrong reason, let her go. You will be miserable even if she gives you nothing but the truth.

[amymarieca]

Wow, you are being very judgmental here. Why does it matter what she did in her past? Her past doesn't even seem that bad from what she tells you and you are giving her a hard time about it. You have no right to. I never ask about past relationships of people that I date. It doesn't matter to me. I don't even really care how many sexual partners they had as long as they were protected and the person doesn't have an STD.

 

No wonder it seems like she is trying to hide things. She is afraid she is going to get a mouthful from you for something she can't change. I wouldn't want to discuss anything with you either for fear of getting yelled at.

 

Your insecurity is going to get very annoying after a while and this girl is going to bolt- guaranteed.

[Ayemtee]

Thanks once again for the constructive criticism. The only way things will get better is for me to put an end to the insecurities and let her past go. Its not an easy route to take but its a path I'm willing to tough it out on, the end result is very worth it.

[Jay34]

i have to disagree with a lot of the comments, just making that comment about a guy being the hottest guy she met before you, what is the reason for that? to get you to worry, i think something is up with her, if you guys are close enough talking about the past shouldn't be a problem, why lie, if there's something you don't want to tell just say you don't want to talk about it. so you already know she is dishonest. she shouldn't be hanging out with men that she tells you she is attracted too, RED FLAG! if she hides things you got nothing man, move on, people who need to be pushed to tell the truth tend to have a lot more you don't know about, maybe things they think are fine that you would never think were. i m

[lkjh]

I disagree with the others but for different reasons. The posters saying you have no right to ask about her past must be smoking something. Would anyone marry someone they know nothing about? You have every right to ask about her past but if you don't trust her let her go. I wouldn't have a problem with her hanging out with a guy shes attracted to in the past as long as she doesn't do it anymore.

[Ayemtee]

I agree that I am being too judgemental of her past, something that she cannot change. But how am I worrying too much when I'm concerned with what kind of person she was back then? People don't change drastically in a matter of two years, at least not personality and morales. If my girlfriend was a total whore two years ago and had trains ran on her daily I'd like to know because thats just her history. I'm sure if your SO was known for doing some absolutely grimy and gritty **** and it just turned your stomach you'd prolly lose alot of respect for them or just wouldn't be with them.

 

On a side note she doesn't hang out with any guys at all. She just had that guy as like sort of a friend. From what she says he was just there whenever she went to the mall because he was a security guard. I guess it didn't bother me until I learned that she was seriously attracted to him and wanted more than friendship but his personality was a turn off to her so she just became friends with him. I didn't understand that part, if someone's personality was a turn off to me I wouldn't be a friend with them. That's why I figured something was up because its just a fishy story in general but it happened before me and ended about 4 months before she met me. She said all they did was say hi and exchange a few words when they saw each other and txt messaged each other every now and then.

[Geishawhelk]

My partner slept around quite a bit before he met me.

he now acknowledges it was probably something to do with wanting to be wanted. He had about 100 casual 1 nite stands, in 2 years.

He's with me now.

we're happy.

That's all that matters to me.

 

Why judge a person on what they did? You can't read their minds. That's what matters.

What goes on between the ears.

[lkjh]

My partner slept around quite a bit before he met me.

he now acknowledges it was probably something to do with wanting to be wanted. He had about 100 casual 1 nite stands, in 2 years.

He's with me now.

we're happy.

That's all that matters to me.

 

Why judge a person on what they did? You can't read their minds. That's what matters.

What goes on between the ears.

 

I got to disagree with this. You always judge people by their actions not their words. People tend to repeat their behavior in most cases. If someone is known for using woman for sex, people can not be surprised when they do it again. If someone cheated on all of their SO's then why would you overlook that. You may be happy but you should also be tested for std's.

 

With that said I do think you are being a little to hard on her. If you don't trust her then split up with her.

[Ayemtee]

But if there was something she was ashamed of I'd like for her to tell me, not hide it. I guess thats another part that makes me angry. Its like that common ground and understanding isn't there. I'm open with her, she isn't open with me. She should be able to tell me things. I dont want to have to force something out of her everytime there's a problem.

[Geishawhelk]

She should be able to tell you.

But there's no reason why she should have to tell you, if she doesn't want to.

 

Openness doesn't necessarily mean being revealing about the past.

It means being committed to the present.

[stillafool]

I notice these threads are always started by men. Most men have had so many sexual partners before they settle in a relationship with a female, yet when it is the female who has had prior sexual partners it is always a problem for the male. Why is that?

 

I think if this is a problem for you and you are going to drive this girl out of her mind with your insecurity then you should break up with her and try to find a virgin. This is why women can't be honest about their sexual past because men can't handle the truth.

[Ayemtee]

I notice these threads are always started by men. Most men have had so many sexual partners before they settle in a relationship with a female, yet when it is the female who has had prior sexual partners it is always a problem for the male. Why is that?

 

I think if this is a problem for you and you are going to drive this girl out of her mind with your insecurity then you should break up with her and try to find a virgin. This is why women can't be honest about their sexual past because men can't handle the truth.

 

 

Lol..I don't care if she's had sex at all. I'm just worried that she was a disgusting chick with no self respect before she met me.

[Geishawhelk]

If she's not a disgusting chick with no self respect now, chances are she hasn't done an evolutionary 180-degree turnaround. people might change, but not that drastically in such a short time....!

 

That really is an appallingly judgemental remark to make, and if you were making it about me - you'd be single now.

[stillafool]

Lol..I don't care if she's had sex at all. I'm just worried that she was a disgusting chick with no self respect before she met me.

 

So if you don't care if she's had sex with any other guys prior to you, I am confused what this thread is about. What else has she done that makes you think if she was a disgusting chick with no self respect?

[Ayemtee]

Well let's both be happy we aren't together. Being judgemental is one thing, but being wise is another. I would never wife up a very promiscuous female. Take offense to it if you want, but that's just my preference. History shows you alot.

 

She hasn't done anything that's made me believe that stillafool. I'm just a little bit worried that maybe she has and she's hiding it well.

[Geishawhelk]

Ah.

So you have Trust issues.

 

let go.

or you'll only get worse.

 

And if she was writing in here asking questions, I would advise her to have nothing to do with a guy who can't love her for whom she is now, and who has trust issues.

because lack of trust = insecurity.

[lamaman3]

Lol..I don't care if she's had sex at all. I'm just worried that she was a disgusting chick with no self respect before she met me.

 

 

You sir, are an idiot. If you think a woman finding a man attractive and and wanting to have sex with that man is "disgusting" then you should move to afghanistan or Saudi Arabia where you can buy a 13 year old virgin and make sure she dosent leave the house instead of dealing with western women who might have actually had sex - hows that for "morals?"

 

You need to read this:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t168643/

 

As for you not wanting to "wifey" a promiscuous woman - defined by you as a woman who talks to a guy at the mall and finds him hot - youre either going to get lied to, or move to Afghanistan or Saudi Arabia to find a wife who you know is a virgin.