Jealous and a bit angry of her past..

[stillafool]

I think it is. Men want a woman who is good in bed. How do they think she got that way?

[onlyicansee]

I think it is. Men want a woman who is good in bed. How do they think she got that way?

 

Thats crazy. By your logic, a woman is only good when she sleeps around. That is not the case, in any way shape or form. Women do not need to sleep around to become good sexual partners. Having a strong, consistent sexual relation with one person is more than enough.

[AAlike]

I think it is. Men want a woman who is good in bed. How do they think she got that way?

 

eh, ideally, I see your point - but it's not how many TIMES a woman's had sex that tends to bother guys, it's with how many PEOPLE - and these two things are not necessarily correlated.

 

I have a feeling you could tell the average guy "I had sex with my former boyfriend 17 times a day and it was mind-blowing" and it wouldn't bother him as much as "I went home with some random guy from the bar and it was completely unremarkable." seems kind of counterintuitive, as you'd think that the good sex would be less "threatening" than the bad sex, but it's very rarely that way. it's always the one-night stand that bothers the guys - even if by nature it shouldn't because you figure if the one-night stand was good it probably wouldn't have been a one-night stand!

 

Tat's why I don't totally buy that RJ always stems from not measuring up (I think that affects guys and women equally) - like I said, it's more this weird concept of "diminishing value" - that it's somehow less of an "achievement" if other guys have "had" her before. Obviously this viewpoint should be archaic, and it basically categorizes women as showpieces or trophies, but we live in a culture where "getting laid" is cool and getting married is lame. I think that people naturally shift away from caring about this as they get older and are further removed from the "get laid" culture and sex becomes less of a remarkable event.

 

and BTW- I think that having sex with the same person an inordinate amount of times is actually going to make someone a better lover than having sex with a bunch of different people once.

[Ayemtee]

Well I did what a few of you guys suggested and had a talk with her. I told how her I've been feeling on the inside and about how I feel like ever since she told me about that security guard I felt I really didn't compare to him. She reassured me that all he was was a face that she came across every now and then and nothing more, and furthermore that he really doesn't compare to me. I made it very clear that her past isn't an issue and never was it was just the way she talked about that guy to me and it made me a bit insecure, she understood.

 

I guess now I can move on, I feel like weight I've been carrying around on me has been stripped. We reached a common ground and I assured her that I never was going to or will be in the future, judgemental of her past. I told her whenever she's comfortable enough and see fit to bring something up about her past to not hesitate and that I wanna be more than a boyfriend but her friend as well. She agreed with the idea then reassured me that there really is nothing more of her past that she hasn't told me already.

 

Finally I think we've made it over the hill. The insecurities were never about her having sex or some guy's member being larger than mine. It was about me being 2nd place to someone she's never kissed, or held, or had sex with. But I'm more than certain that I'm in a different league than him. I'm getting what he couldn't on a daily basis, and that was my girlfriend. =) I appreciate the help and understanding folks, I'll do more than make sure I report back to these wonderful forums if I ever come across another bump in the road. Adios for now...

[stillafool]

Thats crazy. By your logic, a woman is only good when she sleeps around. That is not the case, in any way shape or form. Women do not need to sleep around to become good sexual partners. Having a strong, consistent sexual relation with one person is more than enough.

 

 

Does the same logic apply to men? I'm not saying a woman has to sleep around with everybody to be good in bed. I am saying that obviously she has a sexual history (that is none of your business) or she would be a virgin.

[OnTheEdge]

when i first started reading your first post i thought it was gonna be something like " she had sex with lots of guys blah blah" man u have nothing 2 be worried bout..be happy she wasnt a whore lol

[brokenboy]

Ayemtee...

 

Let me give you some words of wisdom. Having done this to women (and myself) several times in the past. Your behavior is tragically familar and I hope you can get help while you're young so that you can be happy in the future. And please take these comments in the context of trying to amend your behavior, not condone it because truly, pasts just don't matter (I'll come back to that)...

 

1) stop asking questions - I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to find either evidence to suggest she really *isn't* "good enough" for you, or you're trying to find that uncovered nugget of information that will magically make it better. You can't do that... it's never ending b/c you will never have enough info to suggest it was ok. but you won't - and yet somehow it was really ok!!

 

2) trust is an issue, but it's not likely it's a matter of fidelity. A recent study showed men are better able to tell if their female partner is cheating... if she was, you'd know. And here, let me take issue with your "book cover" analogy. If past is prologue... then her previous behavior matters. But this is pretty easy to tell. Is she cheating on you? Sleeping around with other sexy guys while she's with you?!? Is she lying to you and secretly stepping out?!?! If so... then you have a problem. If not, then her past sexual history means nothing. Nothing.

 

Seriously... I've been down this road more than once and it's not pretty. You may want to seek counseling, cognitive therapy helps as it retrains your thought process to better interpret data and information (hers) in a more realistic way. For example, you say she flirts. Well... is it possible that rather than trying to be sexual, or remember some experience with that person, that she's just a friendly person with a great personality that people respond to?!?!?!

 

My current g/f gets along great with all the men at her workplace. She doesn't do well in the bitchy girl setting, and the guys all love her. I don't for a second think she wants to bang any of them. She's got a great personality that people respond to... that's a good thing!!

 

C'mon man... for your sake, stop it. You will never (NEVER!) find a woman who meets your standard b/c you will always pay too much attention to the details that don't matter. I may be leaping ahead some, but again... i've been there. I know where this path leads friend. Stop it.

 

I'm a bit scattered here, but I wish I'd learned 15 years ago what I know now... I'd have been much happier.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well to be fair I'd like to say that it shouldn't what she's done in the past. But to turn the other cheek to certain actions of your partners past to me is quite foolish.

 

I agree. The past is a good indicator of future behavior. But its not like she was a cheater(or was she?). She flirted with a guy. Now if she were flirting with guys you know she is attracted to now, THEN I'd be put off by it.

 

 

 

"Would you stay with your gf if she had another bf during your relationship?"

 

First of all, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone that had a boyfriend.

 

And if she had a boyfriend while dating me and I didn't know it, I'd dump her most expeditiously when I found out.

 

 

Of course I answered no and then proceeded to ask her why. She answered "I dunno just wondering" I asked her again knowing her answer was bs. She said dunno, I asked again this time asking if it has to do with one of her boyfriends, she said yes after a pause. I asked if it was her second ex, she said yes after a pause. I asked if he had another girlfriend, and she told me yes with a fairly jumbled history.

 

sounds fishy to me.

 

 

Now today I sat wondering why it sounded so fishy so I emailed her at work asking her "Why did you ask me if I'd stay with my gf knowing she had another bf?"

 

and her reason was completely different this time:

 

"oh its cause my cousin lisa's bf did stuff with a spanish friend of his while they were together"

 

If thats all it was, she would have told you that in person when you asked.

 

She is lying her ass off. I think she had another guy the same time she started dating you.

 

 

I then asked her:

 

"so why did you tell me that you're second boyfriend had another chick on the side?"

 

She then played coy acting like she was confused.

 

I decided to call her twin sister she tells everything to and asked her:

 

"Hey, do you know Suria's second bf? Did she tell you that her second boyfriend had another chick on the side?"

 

The answer was a definite no. In fact, she had no idea and was surprised Suria didn't tell her because they share everything. I told her sister to not say anything at this point because I'm onto something.

 

I emailed my girlfriend back and said "Did you boyfriend have a chick on the side while you were with him?"

 

She replied yes

 

If this was the case, then why did she waffle her answer with you in person? what is the big deal?

 

 

Any thoughts?

 

yes, your gf doesn't sound very trustworthy. I'd say you have a right to be concerned.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well I did what a few of you guys suggested and had a talk with her. I told how her I've been feeling on the inside and about how I feel like ever since she told me about that security guard I felt I really didn't compare to him. She reassured me that all he was was a face that she came across every now and then and nothing more, and furthermore that he really doesn't compare to me. I made it very clear that her past isn't an issue

 

I agree, the past is the past, unless she was a cheater. Then I'd be concerned.

 

But something tells me the past that she is being fishy about with the question she asked you is about something she did while dating you, as if she still had someone in the wings in the early stages or something.

 

 

I guess now I can move on, I feel like weight I've been carrying around on me has been stripped. We reached a common ground and I assured her that I never was going to or will be in the future, judgemental of her past.

 

What if she cheated in the past? That would be a deal breaker for me.

 

i wouldn't be too concerned with how many boyfriends she had, stuff like that.

 

But again, make sure what she is talking about is in the past and not while she was dating you. Because something still sounds fishy about what she asked you, then waffled on her answers about it.

 

 

Finally I think we've made it over the hill. The insecurities were never about her having sex or some guy's member being larger than mine.

 

And it shouldn't be. I'm sure she doesn't have tits the size of Dolly Parton either.

 

so if you can get past the suspicious answers you got from a suspicious question, then all the rest you shouldn't worry about.

[Ayemtee]

She told me she thought I was asking about her cousin Lisa's bf who cheated on her. While I thought the answer was BS her sister (who was keeping her and I's side of the drama triangle secret from my GF) confirmed it in a convo right after.

 

She's always been like that though. Things she was ashamed of in her past, she'd bring it up but would be really hesitant to talk to me about it. Like I know it doesn't matter, but I got kinda paranoid when I figured for myself that she was lying about who she last had sex with. I mean, who cares right? But the fact she lied about it kinda hurt.

 

 

Suprisingly enough, she doesn't share much information with her twin sister. She hates being judged so much that she's afraid her own kin would judge her. That's why she never told her sister about her BF in the past having a chick on the side and her being okay with it, she said her sister would've thought less of her and complicated her relationship.

 

She told me she never cheated but when things got really really tough with her first BF she wanted to out of alot of anger and hurt but she didn't because she'd never want that to happen to her. She told me he lied to her, cheated on her, and proposed to keep her around while continuing to cheat and she said she finally got the strength to let him loose when he got a girl pregnant. She even went to therapy over it, and while I thought she was making it up, her family confirms it. She's a very sheltered person and it shows. When we go clubbing she's very shy to dance with me or shy any kind of affection like making out, maybe a little groping and pecks on the lip but thats it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

But if there was something she was ashamed of I'd like for her to tell me, not hide it.

 

... at what cost though? Just from reading your posts, I can tell that if she was truthful with you, she'd suffer for it. Then again, she's damned either way because you are making her suffer for trying to avoid what she knew you were going to put her through. If she is lying, it is because you are backing her into a corner and she is seeing that if she is truthful she stands a greater chance at losing you than if she hides it and hopes you'll never find out the truth.

 

Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior... but one thing that is crucial for you to understand that most of the time, there are unique factors in a given relationship that can lead to one set of behaviors that won't show up in future relationships - because those unique factors are just that... unique. Only applicable within that past relationship.

 

If you try to 'cookie cutter' this one by assuming that she does the same thing in every single relationship and then badgering her over things that happened in her life before you came along, then you are selling yourself short and cheating yourself out of what could be a good thing.

[Ayemtee]

I know, which is why I sat her down and had a very mature conversation about where I've been wrong when we first started talking. She said herself, she was afraid to tell me things because of how I acted. I felt really bad because she hasn't done anything wrong, I was just being a very insecure person at the time and took it out on her. I told her that my true intentions were for her to get comfortable with tellings me her deepest darkest secrets, but it took a wrong turn when I let my insecurities get to me. She understood and said that everything "big and exciting" about her past has already been brought to the table.

 

She hardly hides stuff from me anymore. A couple nights ago we had a pretty fun conversation about that guy she used to see at the mall. While she acknowledged that he was alot of things I wasn't, he wasn't what I am which is what she wants in a BF. She even told me that she said to him "I wish I never met you" because his personality destroyed his attractiveness. That's the major factor in the reason why she never took that relationship farther, he was an ass so he just remained a face in the crowd.

 

I feel alot better though. Knowing she'd turn down someone super sexy is what I needed to hear to further battle this demon of mine called insecurity, and I'm sure she knew that.

[brokenboy]

She told me she thought I was asking about her cousin Lisa's bf who cheated on her. While I thought the answer was BS her sister (who was keeping her and I's side of the drama triangle secret from my GF) confirmed it in a convo right after.

 

She's always been like that though. Things she was ashamed of in her past, she'd bring it up but would be really hesitant to talk to me about it. Like I know it doesn't matter, but I got kinda paranoid when I figured for myself that she was lying about who she last had sex with. I mean, who cares right? But the fact she lied about it kinda hurt.

 

 

Suprisingly enough, she doesn't share much information with her twin sister. She hates being judged so much that she's afraid her own kin would judge her. That's why she never told her sister about her BF in the past having a chick on the side and her being okay with it, she said her sister would've thought less of her and complicated her relationship.

 

She told me she never cheated but when things got really really tough with her first BF she wanted to out of alot of anger and hurt but she didn't because she'd never want that to happen to her. She told me he lied to her, cheated on her, and proposed to keep her around while continuing to cheat and she said she finally got the strength to let him loose when he got a girl pregnant. She even went to therapy over it, and while I thought she was making it up, her family confirms it. She's a very sheltered person and it shows. When we go clubbing she's very shy to dance with me or shy any kind of affection like making out, maybe a little groping and pecks on the lip but thats it.

 

two things...

 

stop testing her. you're quizzing her then confirming. dude... no. stop it. trust that she's telling the truth or don't.

 

secondly, if she truly is ashamed of things in her past, perhaps she brings it up hoping you won't judge her the way she already judges herself...? and you can't read too much into that, maybe she says it flippantly b/c she doesn't want to admit to herself how ashamed she is. or she isn't ashamed... either way, she trusts you with that info, don't damn her for it.

[brokenboy]

...

 

Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior... but one thing that is crucial for you to understand that most of the time, there are unique factors in a given relationship that can lead to one set of behaviors that won't show up in future relationships - because those unique factors are just that... unique. Only applicable within that past relationship.

 

.

 

I believe this is absolutely (if there is such a thing) true. I have no idea what my g/f was going through when she made her "bad decisions" - her words. I can only know that she isn't making those decisions now b/c she's in a better place... largely b/c of me!

 

I think this is a common error, of the many, of men/boys trying to rationalize or solve it logically. there is no logic.