Jealous and a bit angry of her past..

[lamaman3]

I got to disagree with this. You always judge people by their actions not their words. People tend to repeat their behavior in most cases. If someone is known for using woman for sex, people can not be surprised when they do it again.

 

Of course, whenever you have sex with someone - you are using them for sex - thats the way it should be. If you werent using them for sex then there would be a problem - youd be having sex for some other ulterior motive, and then youd be using their desire for sex to get something else.

[AAlike]

Well let's both be happy we aren't together. Being judgemental is one thing, but being wise is another. I would never wife up a very promiscuous female. Take offense to it if you want, but that's just my preference. History shows you alot.

 

 

Well - a lot of this, IMO, depends on your motivation for asking.

 

It's one thing to ask of someone's past, sexual and otherwise, in order to try and get to know them, see if they're comfortable with themselves and being honest with you, and see if they've learned and more importantly moved on from that past and are ready for a relationship with you. If she's a drama queen or continues to chat with this dude, yeah, maybe she's not mature enough for a real relationship. That type of information finding would in fact be "wise."

 

HOWEVER, it's another thing to harp on someone's sexual past and define them solely by it. Or to interrogate them and/or make them explain themselves or "justify" decisions in the distant past. The only place where that's supposed to happen is court. A lot of men, especially those that are younger and/or have not been in a serious relationship before, tend to, whether intentionally or subconsciously, judge women on this fictitious scale of "diminishing value" based on their previous sexual experience. Women that are aware of this are naturally inclined to lie or be dodgy about their previous experience, as they should be. I mean really, if you ask someone "how many people have you slept with" anyone with half a brain should realize that unless the number is zero (and THAT might even be a red flag for some) then they are risking being judged on something that they may not feel should have any bearing on their current relationship.

 

I think that the point is that the relevant portions of people's past will probably come out without having to research all of their past actions. whether she flirted with this guy or not really doesn't matter if, now that she met you, he has become an afterthought.

 

I'm not sure why you're asking about her past, but if you were truly "running the numbers in your head" as you said, i'd be hard pressed to believe that their wasn't some judgemental overtones to your questioning.

[Ayemtee]

You're taking what I'm typing to the extreme. I do not care if she's been with other guys in the past. I've been with other girls in the past and she knows. As long as its within reasonable conditions its not an issue. What I'm saying is like, am I getting a girl who's going to **** a guy who she just met 10 minutes ago in a bathroom? Or am I getting a girl who's gonna settle down with that guy, get to know him, and then give up the panties. I'm hoping for the second one. Does that clear up anything? I'd rather have a secure sexually active female rather than one who's liable to throw the goods to any guy she finds attractive whilst being with another.

[onlyicansee]

Dude what does it matter what she did? If she got gang banged in the bathroom but 4 big black dicks, what does it matter to your relationship? I think you are confusing your gf with your possessions. You dont own her, and therefor you have no right to her sexual past, espcially considering that her sexual past has no bearing, no impact, and no meaning in your relationship with her. If you are digging into her past, your going to find things you don't want to hear.

 

Take my word for it, leave it alone. The woman your girl is now, is not the girl she was 2 years ago, or even 2 months ago. People **** up, learn from it, and move on. If you try to force her into reliving things of her past, there is a good chance you will be doing it alone.

 

Im coming off like an *******, and that is because I am trying to. It's one thing to ask her a question, but completely different to go to such great lengths to call her out on it such as getting other family members involved. Im suprised you didn't dig up the guy somehow and confront him...

 

No one likes to hear the gruesome details of their lovers past, how they ****ed other people and enjoyed it. I don't like it, and I know that a lot of people both on and off these forums feel the same. You are no different. Your obessing over this, and your turning it into a pink elephant.

 

If you don't let it go now, and accept her for who she is now and not weigh her sexual past into her moral character, you are going to end up alone...

 

And just to note, people saying that a womans sexual past should be disclosed so that they can understand the woman better. That is bull****. All you are doing by insisting that she disclose that information to you is fueling your insecurities and ruining your own mental stability. Her past does not define her, it does not define her morality, it does not define her values, and it sure as hell does not define if she was a disgusting whore or a madonna. Im talking about sexual past, and unless she was legitimately a whore you have no right.

 

So, to the OP, get over it man. Your just waisting your energy.

[AAlike]

You're taking what I'm typing to the extreme. I do not care if she's been with other guys in the past. I've been with other girls in the past and she knows. As long as its within reasonable conditions its not an issue. What I'm saying is like, am I getting a girl who's going to **** a guy who she just met 10 minutes ago in a bathroom? Or am I getting a girl who's gonna settle down with that guy, get to know him, and then give up the panties. I'm hoping for the second one. Does that clear up anything? I'd rather have a secure sexually active female rather than one who's liable to throw the goods to any guy she finds attractive whilst being with another.

 

That's still the same thing, my man. you've set boundaries of what are "reasonable conditions" to you and are asking about her history in order to apply things that she did in HER past to your boundaries in the present. why would you want to make her past your present, provided she's truly past it?

 

I think that with most guys this is a pure product of ego. ask yourself why you have to assure that your girlfriend is not someone that would "do those things."

[lamaman3]

As long as its within reasonable conditions its not an issue. What I'm saying is like, am I getting a girl who's going to **** a guy who she just met 10 minutes ago in a bathroom?

 

And how many minutes did you spend "getting to know" the stripper before she was shoving her p*ssy in your face?

[Ayemtee]

I dunno, I really don't understand how each and every one of you could really look past something like that. If you've professed your love to a person and find out that a year before you two met she was the daily sex toy of a highschool football team, how could you look past that? I don't understand it. That wouldn't effect the way you see them in the present not one bit? Not even the slightest amount?

 

I have zero reason to see my girlfriend as less of a person. I'm just worried that maybe there is something there that would make me do just that, and that she knows, so she keeps it quiet. I can't blame her, if there were something like that with me, I'd probably do the same. It just eats at me on the inside. Its like I'm happy with her the way she is, but in my mind I'm paranoid that maybe she was a total skeez in her past (based on my values) and I keep digging for it because I just have to know but I don't want to.

 

The problem was never her, its me, I know this. I came here for help and I guess I made the initial post kind of wrong. The issue here is me and I'd rather not get reamed for my mentality please.

 

As for onlyicansee, why would you automatically assume that her having sex with Blacks is the worst case scenario for everyone on this board? Race has never been an issue for me and its hard to see your insight for what it is with a comment like that.

[Ayemtee]

And how many minutes did you spend "getting to know" the stripper before she was shoving her p*ssy in your face?

 

Not very long but its a strip club, and the situation was different than say willingly having intercourse or participating in such activities where I'd be seen as less of a person in her eyes. I gave her the story and she was annoyed but she understood. I did not call the stripper over and I was not the one waving the money at her. I did not touch her or flirt around with her, she came over by herself and proceeded to do what she did. I wasn't going to push her away and look ridiculous in front of everyone else. But then again its my fault for even being there. She's been to a strip club and she told me a stripper kissed her on the forehead. I don't care about that. It was before she met me and its a strip club. He could've laid his junk on her face and it would've been mildly annoying to me at worst

 

I'm not as irrational and unreasonable as you may think.

[lamaman3]

Not very long but its a strip club, and the situation was different than say willingly having intercourse or participating in such activities where I'd be seen as less of a person in her eyes. I gave her the story and she was annoyed but she understood. I did not call the stripper over and I was not the one waving the money at her. I did not touch her or flirt around with her, she came over by herself and proceeded to do what she did. I wasn't going to push her away and look ridiculous in front of everyone else. But then again its my fault for even being there. She's been to a strip club and she told me a stripper kissed her on the forehead. I don't care about that. It was before she met me and its a strip club. He could've laid his junk on her face and it would've been mildly annoying to me at worst

 

I'm not as irrational and unreasonable as you may think.

 

Yes, you absolutely are. You didnt call the stripper over? You werent waving money at her? Why the hell were you there in the first place? Not to call them over? How about if you told this to a girl, and she continually harped on why you were there if you didnt want the stripper to come over, why you didnt push her away, why you didnt leave right away, did you think the stripper was pretty, were you aroused, did you pay to get in, did you tell off the other men there, did you ever look at porn, what kind of porn, were you aroused, did you masturbate to porn etc etc. and you knew that if you told the truth to the woman who you love - she would go from loving you to thinking you were "disgusting."

 

You are infected with the Maddonna/Whore complex - you divide women into 2 categories - madonnas and whores and you refuse to see women for the individuals that they are. You will never ever resolve this with any woman - so you can either get over it, or have this sort of situation happen for the rest of your life.

[Ayemtee]

She's asked me every one of the questions before and I've answered them with truth. She doesn't think I'm disgusting.

 

And to clear things up I was at the strip club for my friends birthday. I didn't bring any singles because I did not plan on having a stripper all over me. I was just there to hang with the guys. A friend of mine put money in my lap and called her over.

 

Didn't think I had to explain the story but there it is. And no I do not divide women into two categories. I do not refuse to see women for the individuals they are either. What's your next diagnosis Doctor?

[Charles1978]

No need to get defensive. But the examples you are coming up with to get people to agree with you... the "getting passed around by the football team" thing... is completely different than what your g/f has done. From your posts, it seems that she had one relationship with some guy she thought was attractive with a huge package. I think that is where your insecurities are coming from. Suppose she had dated some nerdy software engineer... maybe 5'6" 120lbs with a microscopic sex organ. Would you be as upset?

 

The problem here is that you are assuming that you just don't measure up, and the image of your girlfriend screwing this guy is eating you alive. Another question... you've now learned that her timetable for all this is incorrect. Why does that matter? What could she tell you that would make you ok with it all? Anything? At the root of it, there probably is nothing that she could say. So, you're going to need to drop it. Nothing you or she does or says will change the past. It is best to move on an focus on the present.

[onlyicansee]

What is ok and what is not? Where do you draw the line between accepting and rejecting? Do you even know? If she told you that she slept with the guy from the mall, outside a relationship, is that too much for you?

 

Here is my opinion, if you really have to settle this. Think about where you draw the line, and what you can and can not live with. Write a list. Give it to your girlfriend tell her that if she has committed any of these things, or anything worse, then she should let you go because you cant handle it. Tell her that and let HER decide if SHE can be with you or not.

 

To answer your other question, yes it is upsetting and does trouble me to know about my girlfriends past. It sucks, to say the least. But, that is not the point here. Everyone will probably bat an eyelash or two over their partners past, and some will accept it and some will not. I made the mistake to gain that knowledge when really in retrospect I wish I had never even approached this subject. But I did, and in light of having such a wonderful, loving, caring, and spectacular girlfriend I let my own insecurities turn it around. The only positive thing that came from hearing about her past was learning how shallow and small I truly am. The rest was just fluff.

 

There is nothing worse than to be miserable over the person you love most. If she is good for you now, and in this moment she is everything you want, then why go back to her past? I spend my times now not thinking about her past, but missing the wonderful memories we shared. Looking back at it, her past seems so minimal now...

 

Dont be a fool and let your ego get the best of you. It will bite you in the ass and you will spend your life in regret.

[Ayemtee]

You know, I tried to hide it but you're right. Onlyican see is to. The reason I am so stuck on this ****ing Security Guard because she said he looked like a celebrity that she thinks is like a 20 out of 10. She even went as far as to telling me that he had the same body and everything. And its just like, wow, why would she ****ing tell me that man? Its been 4 months ago since it happened and I can't get over it. Because I feel like I don't compare to this guy, body wise. I'm an attractive guy in the face. I'm not overweight, I'm not scrawny, but I don't have a model type body like this guy did. And its ****ing with my head. I sit here every night wondering to myself was she really friends with that guy? If I were attracted to someone that I thought was a 20/10 and we exchanged numbers and she wanted to **** me I'd prolly do it. So what stopped her? And of course I asked her and she said no, of course. If she said yes, I'm sure she knows this, I would've been crushed.

[AAlike]

I dunno, I really don't understand how each and every one of you could really look past something like that. If you've professed your love to a person and find out that a year before you two met she was the daily sex toy of a highschool football team, how could you look past that? I don't understand it. That wouldn't effect the way you see them in the present not one bit? Not even the slightest amount?

 

Well that example is kind of extreme - I mean, that might be indicative of some mental health problems.

 

Let's focus on your other, more realistic example - someone who "f*cked a guy in ten minutes", or, to normalize it even further, went home with a guy at a college party - and I would agree that YES it probably would affect my perception of her, at least temporarily - and it has done so in the past when emotions are unexpectedly tapped by this kind of discussion...which is precisely why I know now that I should not pursue such details, even if realistically I know that they are out there. Nothing good can come of it.

 

I have zero reason to see my girlfriend as less of a person. I'm just worried that maybe there is something there that would make me do just that, and that she knows, so she keeps it quiet. I can't blame her, if there were something like that with me, I'd probably do the same. It just eats at me on the inside. Its like I'm happy with her the way she is, but in my mind I'm paranoid that maybe she was a total skeez in her past (based on my values) and I keep digging for it because I just have to know but I don't want to.

 

I would argue that those "values" of yours are probably going to morph the second that she tells you something that you don't want to hear.

 

Whatever part of that any "skeezy" past that would affect you will naturally come out in her present, with or without you knowing the details.

 

As for onlyicansee, why would you automatically assume that her having sex with Blacks is the worst case scenario for everyone on this board? Race has never been an issue for me and its hard to see your insight for what it is with a comment like that.

 

yeah that was kinda stupid - I'm guessing that was supposed to be for effect or something?

[soconfused01]

i think you should talk to your girlfriend about the insecutiries you have about how you compare in your girlfriend's mind/heart to this attractive man. It doesn't really have to do with her past, it has to do with something she said in the present. And that she lies to you. If she's just a liar, then good luck having any kind of successful relationship. You should be asking yourself what she's lying about, I think you should be asking why is she lying? If she's lying for anothing reason you should find out what that is and try to work on it. maybe she's afraid that you might judge her.

 

I think you are entitled to want to know what kind of woman your girl friend is before you get too invested. I think that's smart. That's a purpose dating someone serves. You should be able to ask her questions about her past and while she doens't owe you an answer, I think if you make her comfortable and assured you won't judge her, I think she will open up to you. But don't push it. You're not getting married, nothing has to be decided now. Just be with her in the present. Believe me, you're not going to date Glenda the good witch for x amount of years and one day she's Hitler. Sure, there may be some surprises along the way that come upa bout her past. But you will be able to tell what kind of person you're dating by their actions in the present.

[AAlike]

You are infected with the Maddonna/Whore complex - you divide women into 2 categories - madonnas and whores and you refuse to see women for the individuals that they are. You will never ever resolve this with any woman - so you can either get over it, or have this sort of situation happen for the rest of your life.

 

while I see your point and definitely agree that this is a problem on a whole with men and probably needs to be broken down as bluntly as you have done in most of your posts, I don't think that every instance of a negative reaction to a lover's past along these lines is strictly based on this.

 

To some degree we are just simply emotional and when we fall in love we let that emotion intersperse itself into places that it really doesn't belong, particularly our lovers' past choice of lovers. I mean, even though I totally agree with you idealistically, I still don't think that I'll ever be "enlightened" enough to just be able to hear about my lover's past and be like "wow that must have been hot" like I would one of my guy friends, or any other girl for that matter...even though I'm sure she's had plenty of satisfying sex before me.

[onlyicansee]

Your right, I used black dicks to emphasize on his insecurities, maybe I should have just said donkey dicks instead (sorry).

 

But to the OP, why are you letting this get to you so much? Regardless if you were fat, skinny, or just average your girl is not comparing you to this guy. She probably thinks hes hot and sexy, and that is probably the extent of it. Maybe they shagged, maybe they didn't. While I admit that it was probably too much for your girl to go ramping about some other guy, she was naive and probably learned to not do things like that again. Cut her some slack.

 

You live in the same world I live in friend, your woman is no different than the women I am familiar with. She is not some winged angel, some magical lady, she is just (like the rest of us) a normal human being. Dont punish her because of her past, and more importantly dont punish yourself over her past and something that is out of anyone's control.

[AAlike]

 

There is nothing worse than to be miserable over the person you love most. If she is good for you now, and in this moment she is everything you want, then why go back to her past? I spend my times now not thinking about her past, but missing the wonderful memories we shared. Looking back at it, her past seems so minimal now...

 

 

does this mean that you and your GF broke it off?

[Charles1978]

I forgot to mention something about this girl I'm currently pursuing. She told me she used to go to skin parties (the ones where you just paint your body... no clothes). That she had sex in a bar, a one night stand or two, that she dated a girl, etc... At the time I was a little freaked out. Still am a bit, but I just took it for what it was... her past. But I guess the good thing is that she told me this stuff now before we date. So maybe she has run into problems in relationships about this stuff, and she shares it early on because of it. I'm not really interested in her as much anymore, but not because of that. But just goes to show you the approach of other girls.

[lino]

IMO I don't see a good future ahead if you keep this woman as a gf.

[Jay34]

Dump Her Man, it's going to be hard but you will feel better down the line

[stillafool]

Well let's both be happy we aren't together. Being judgemental is one thing, but being wise is another. I would never wife up a very promiscuous female. Take offense to it if you want, but that's just my preference. History shows you alot.

 

She hasn't done anything that's made me believe that stillafool. I'm just a little bit worried that maybe she has and she's hiding it well.

 

 

What if females felt that way about males? No one would ever get together. Men now-a-days are going to have to let the past be the past if they want today's females.

[LittleDove]

Okay, my first reaction was settle down!, but, you seem to have a gut feeling something isnt right...i believe in gut feelings..

 

You do seem obsessed with something that 1. cant be changed, 2. is water under the bridge,3. happened BEFORE she even knew you.

 

I would listen carefully to what she says, and if she continues to show inconsistancies becareful..

 

BUT LET GO OF HER PAST- its not a very attractive trait, jealousy especially of something that doesnt matter.

 

Live in the NOW, dont let the PAST ruin TODAY!.

[AAlike]

Okay, my first reaction was settle down!, but, you seem to have a gut feeling something isnt right...i believe in gut feelings..

 

You do seem obsessed with something that 1. cant be changed, 2. is water under the bridge,3. happened BEFORE she even knew you.

 

I would listen carefully to what she says, and if she continues to show inconsistancies becareful..

 

BUT LET GO OF HER PAST- its not a very attractive trait, jealousy especially of something that doesnt matter.

 

Live in the NOW, dont let the PAST ruin TODAY!.

 

I think that this is probably the best advice. stop grilling her on her past and try and let it go, as it seems like you want to do that, but certainly keep a watchful eye towards lying or unnecessary drama in other matters because these things will hurt a relationship regardless of pasts.

[GoodOnPaper]

What if females felt that way about males? No one would ever get together. .

 

Not a valid comparison. For men, the stigma is in not having enough experience. I agree with the poster who brought up that RJ stems from the assumption that one doesn't (or will not at some point in the future) measure up to the guys that the gf has had sex with in the past.