x_matt Posted September 5, 2003 Share Posted September 5, 2003 Here is the situation, i think i already know the answer, just looking for some opinions... i am engaged, have been for about two years now. This will be the second marriage for us both. Here is the issue...our sex life sucks! We have "it" as she puts it, at the most once a week and i crave a lot more than that. Most of the time we go two weeks without. She says that i am too sex crazed and need to be satisfied with quality not quantity. For me, if it is awesome sex then i crave it again shortly after cause it was SO good. I don't get why something that feels so good is so hard for her to want. Everytime we have sex she gets and orgasm before me, i take my time make sure that the event is about US not just me and it doesn't help. Trust me, i am very considerate when it comes her wants and desires in the bed. She says that she is a little worried that her lack of sexual desire might be a health issue of some sort and that after we get married she will go to the doctor and get check out. We have to wait till then cause her employer doesn't off any health insurance and if there are any tests we can't afford them. My fear is that after getting married she will be too afraid to go tell a doctor that she doesn't have any sexual desire, due to embarassment. So then i am in another marriage where i am not happy sexually and wishing for more. My last marriage was great to start of course, but as we grew apart the sex did too. This time around i am in deeper love then i ever was with my ex and don't want sex to ruin that. Now don't tell me that if i really loved her it wouldn't matter cause everyone knows that a happy marriage usually has a strong foundation in communication, trust and sexual appetite. I know, i have been in long term relationships that were like that for long periods of time. I am working up the courage to tell her that we may need to rethink the engagement. I don't want to, but feel that this might be best for us in the long run. Please help with comments...especially others going through the same...maybe even give me the womans point of view... Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 5, 2003 Share Posted September 5, 2003 YOU WRITE: "...after we get married she will go to the doctor and get check out." Do you go to the dentists AFTER you've pulled your own tooth? It's insane to give attention to this issue after marriage. The two of you are obviously incompatible sexually and that's not good at all. You've both already been divorced once and you don't need another. Go to a doctor as soon as possible, get her checked out, etc. If it's not a physical problem, get to a sex therapist. You love this lady a lot of you can't give it up before you have turned every stone. It would seem that she would know exactly what her interest in sex has been over a long period of time. There could also be psychological factors associated with her previous marriage...or even before that. For all you know, her last husband left her because of her low sex drive. She may not want to admit that. Get all the professional help you can to deal with this. However, if you can't improve this issue to a point where you are comfortable the change will be lasting, then you are absolutely correct to give further consideration to marriage with this person. I wish you great luck in coming to a solution. I can't imagine a more painful decision you may have to make if this can't be resolved. Link to post Share on other sites
danadana Posted September 9, 2003 Share Posted September 9, 2003 I don't understand your girlfriend's excuse - that she won't go to a doctor till after the wedding because she doesn't have health insurance? Will she suddenly get health insurance after the wedding? If so, why only after the wedding? If not, what is the logic to her argument? And if it's a money issue, isn't it something you can help her pay for? It sounds like an excuse, unless there is more information you didn't post. And I also agree that this should be addressed as soon as possible. Why wait till after? Get to the bottom of why she won't see a doctor now, and do whatever it takes to get her to go. And hey - good luck. If you've been with her this long, surely there are lots of good things keeping you there, right? Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted September 9, 2003 Share Posted September 9, 2003 From what I've heard and read, and from my own experience, everybody's sex drive is different. It's not like there's a "norm" out there somewhere that everyone should try to achieve. For her, twice a month is her norm. For you, it isn't. If you focus on her as being the abnormal one, I don't think it's going to help the relationship at all. It's probably more just a case of incompatibility. Trust me, there are men out there who are happy with twice a month. There are also women out there who want it several times a week. So that brings you back to figuring out whether you can accept that. From the sounds of things, you can't. Maybe a compromise can be reached with counseling where you can both be happy. I hope so, for both your sakes, because it sounds like you love this woman. It's definitely worth trying every avenue before giving up. But don't marry someone that you can't see being happy with forever, in every respect. I agree that sex is an important aspect of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author x_matt Posted September 9, 2003 Author Share Posted September 9, 2003 I do love her. She is a great woman and i can't see myself without her. I am just tired of feeling neglected in the bedroom. It is such an awful feeling to ask for sex and to get told that she is too tired, everytime! I know she is there for me in every other way so it makes it hard to even think about leaving her because of this but i just don't know anymore. I mean i have been with her through about 2 years of this and to be honest, it does seem to be getting more infrequent. The thought that it may be me, too much of a sex drive has came to me. But upon speaking to my doctor, to my friends, brothers and others (discreetly of course) i have determined that a sexual desire 3 or 4 times a week for a man that is 29 is very average. I guess we just need to really talk this out before it gets too much worse... Link to post Share on other sites
hunter Posted September 11, 2003 Share Posted September 11, 2003 Maybe it it a medical condition that prevents this lack of a sex drive. I would have sex everyday if it were up to me. The b/f has diabetes and his drive is just not there at all. This is due in part to his disease and not him. So before you decide, check out all the options. Other questions, does she work late and long hours, that possibly make her tired all the time, does she work the night shift? All these factors have bearing on her sex drive. Best of luck to you both! Link to post Share on other sites
Author x_matt Posted September 11, 2003 Author Share Posted September 11, 2003 She was hypoglycemic (S?), or still is, but it doesn't really affect her as much lately. When we first met she used to have to carry the tablets with her to spike her blood sugar. But now, i make sure she takes care of herself and eats reguarly and gets good sleep. Her work schedule is 7-2or4. So it isn't late nights. She is getting sleep. Lately, she is reading more than conversing with me. I think she is bored with me. I know that she relax's by reading like i do. But when she would rather bring in a magazine to read than sit and chat with me when we go out to dinner it makes me feel (for lack of a better word) neglected. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 11, 2003 Share Posted September 11, 2003 i've been thinking about your post for awhile and i'm prepared to take slack for this. i don't think you want to marry her, honestly. everything in your post is pointing to this as an increasingly insurmountable problem, and its fair to say you might have basic needs that she does not. it's no reflection on her as a person; you may just want different things. sex is a priority, period. when you're eighty you'll at least want to look back on all the wild stuff you did together. when you talk to her about how you see your lives together, how does she view sex between you two in five years? after children, should you choose to have any? xox, j. Link to post Share on other sites
Author x_matt Posted September 11, 2003 Author Share Posted September 11, 2003 no slack going to be given by me... I think you are right. I am finding things that are really starting to become issues...my concern is if they are things that i would normally be able to overlook but because of the lack of passion am i making these greater than they really are? The fact that i even question these issues is enough to make me think that i may be over reacting. I have spoke to her about this and all these issues, most of the time we come out without a resolution or plan of attack to resolve anything. I think i am getting tired of feeling this way and having my feelings dismissed in an arguement which usually turns into all about what i am doing wrong write now...too much sexual pressure on her, too demanding of attention, ungrateful for what she does do...etc. I do appreciate everyones views on this subject, it is helping me greatly, making me ponder issues that i haven't. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted September 11, 2003 Share Posted September 11, 2003 If the passion isn't there now, it's not going to magically appear after years of marriage. You have to be realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyJ Posted September 14, 2003 Share Posted September 14, 2003 Ok first of all I want to say that based on my experiences with men your sexual appetite is very typical for a guy in your age group.... I think that overall men usually feel the need to have sex more than women and men just need to understand this. The reality is that your sex drive and hers will probably never match. Sex is different for women than it is for men. There is much more involved for women than just the physical act of it. I am not taking sides here but we are not like a light switch. Women require a little bit more than men to be interested in sex. Some may disagree with me and everyone is different but generally speaking I think this is true. There may in fact be a medical reason for her lack of interest but it may be emotional. Sex after all for women is an emotional thing and if the right emotions are not there then the sex won't be either. My fiance has had this complaint as well and this is what I told him... "When you have not said two words to me other than hello or goodbye all week and we have been arguing on top of that do you really think I am just dying to have sex?" Not! Men tend to fix things with sex when women need them to be fixed before sex. Maybe this is something that goes beyond just sex for the tow of you. There is nothing at all wrong with you wanting to have sex more often but you also need to realize that sex, although it is important is not everything... If your relationship is good in other areas then this is worth working on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author x_matt Posted September 15, 2003 Author Share Posted September 15, 2003 Originally posted by LadyJ Ok first of all I want to say that based on my experiences with men your sexual appetite is very typical for a guy in your age group.... I think that overall men usually feel the need to have sex more than women and men just need to understand this. The reality is that your sex drive and hers will probably never match. Sex is different for women than it is for men. There is much more involved for women than just the physical act of it. I am not taking sides here but we are not like a light switch. Women require a little bit more than men to be interested in sex. Some may disagree with me and everyone is different but generally speaking I think this is true. There may in fact be a medical reason for her lack of interest but it may be emotional. Sex after all for women is an emotional thing and if the right emotions are not there then the sex won't be either. My fiance has had this complaint as well and this is what I told him... "When you have not said two words to me other than hello or goodbye all week and we have been arguing on top of that do you really think I am just dying to have sex?" Not! Men tend to fix things with sex when women need them to be fixed before sex. Maybe this is something that goes beyond just sex for the tow of you. There is nothing at all wrong with you wanting to have sex more often but you also need to realize that sex, although it is important is not everything... If your relationship is good in other areas then this is worth working on. Trust me, the emotional/romantic side of me is not lagging either. I care for her as if she was the most valuable thing in my life, like she is. I dote on her all the time. I write her poetry, i give her flowers, i make her feel special all the time. I know that the thing that killed the sex in my first marriage was us not making time for each other and this time around i am taking the time to make her feel loved and wanted and desired. So i am really covering that area well. I do love her, love our relationship and can't get enough of her all at the same time. We had a long talk on Friday night, we talked about this issue and others. We really connected. As a result, the weekend was filled with love. We really got back together. I know the difference between her having sex with me out of guilt and sex because she too wanted it and it was the latter. I really enjoyed this last weekend. While i know it was partially to show me that she still loved me and the other was due to her own needs, it felt really genuine and i really felt desired. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 15, 2003 Share Posted September 15, 2003 hey babies, that's great! kudos! o man, i love it when things turn out better...best of luck to you both! Link to post Share on other sites
Author x_matt Posted September 15, 2003 Author Share Posted September 15, 2003 Originally posted by jenny hey babies, that's great! kudos! o man, i love it when things turn out better...best of luck to you both! THank you so much Jenny... Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeless Romantica Posted September 15, 2003 Share Posted September 15, 2003 oh my god, you're putting a band-aid over the problem. did your fiance miraculously cure herself on Friday? here's my take on your situation. i would categorize myself as not being particulary crazy about having sex. Like a camel can go w/out water for days, I can do the same with sex. I could go a few weeks w/out it. I do, however, crave the touching and affection and hugging/cuddling, etc. instead. This has been a problem in my past relationships. Hence, I know it's not an instant cure your girlfriend has had. If you've been having problems in the past, then expect them in the future, especially if your fiance hasn't had any sex therapy or medical attention to address the problem. It sounds like your fiance will say anything to ensure her marriage to you. E.g. "I'll go to the doctor after the wedding." and Friday's sexual escapade w/you after having a long talk. To me, it sounds like she's willing to say/do anything to make sure you still marry her. I hope your wedding day is a while away. You'll be able to monitor the situation and see if she has really been "cured." Link to post Share on other sites
Author x_matt Posted September 15, 2003 Author Share Posted September 15, 2003 It wasn't like that, it wasn't like an instant cure...i can tell she is trying now. That is all that matters. I was just sharing that we had a great weekend, not that it was all better now. It was more than just a friday night also, she was there the whole weekend with attention, love and the sex. So it was a start in my opinion. And yes, our wedding is a while off still. Link to post Share on other sites
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