Dad feeds into insecurities

[Nikki Sahagin]

Me and my dad have a funny old relationship. When I was younger we were thick as thieves. I was a daddy's girl as much as my brother was a mummy's boy. We were a sort of team. As i've got older my dad and me are not as close. We have our moments. And I don't want to paint him as an entirely bad guy. I am quite a sensitive, insecure person and my dad always feeds into this.

 

He is very angry. He has a lot of strong and quite poisonous opinions. He is quite racist, homophobic (not openly) but he makes his opinions know amongst us and not sexist as far as I can tell but again he'll make the odd comment.

 

My dad tends to belittle people and he'll often say to me 'is your boyfriend cheating on you? Well how do you know. I bet he's got a bird on the side' or even say something as far off as 'is he gay? how would you know?'. He always makes this comments in a really snarky, mean way. You could say he's joking but I know it's not - it's the tone. I never know how to react to this. I have respect for my family and don't like disturbing the balance. But sometimes he makes horrible comments. He even said 'why do Muslims cover up, it's terrible' to which I agreed I didn't think women should have to cover up. But then he said 'but you go out with next to nothing on - you bring it on yourself if you get attacked'. I said I don't go out with 'next to nothing on' and even if I did I don't believe that gives people a right to abuse or hurt you - it's able self-control and when i'm out I always ensure I make my way there and back with company and never alone.

 

How can I stop these casual poisonous comments feeding into my insecurites?

[purplewitch]

Wow. That's tough. It sounds like your dad has some serious issues. It's difficult not to let those affect you. I think you can tell yourself to detach from his comments. Realize that his issues are HIS and not yours. They cannot affect you if you don't let them. (easier said than done.)

 

Whenever you plan to see your dad, imagine yourself being protected from his negativity. Do not defend yourself or anyone else when he verbally attacks or insults. Instead, just try smiling and changing the subject. This will deflate his egoic point of view and perhaps after a while, he will give up on that tactic if it doesn't get a reaction.

 

You are obviously more enlightened than your father so maybe he needs to learn from you.

[whichwayisup]

Why not ask him to stop? Or if you're uncomfortable when he makes comments, try your best to laugh it off and ignore it. Don't give him the power to make you feel insecure. When it comes to your boyfriend and he makes comments, your dad doesn't KNOW! He is just being a pain in the ass and what he says doesn't count. I know it's easier said than done as parents have a way of getting to us, but it can be done by not needing his approval about your life, and creating boundries and lines he can't cross.

 

If you told him how you felt, would he listen?

[SierraRose]

I understand totally. I went thru stuff like that growing up. My mom, although I am an adult, she still has nasty comments flying from her mouth from time to time. I spent many years with low self esteem b/c of it. I coward to it. No more.

 

How I handle things depends on my mood.

 

Semi Mature:You don't have to like what I do, you don't have to agree with what I do. However, you do need to respect what I do. If not, we are going to have big problems.

 

Mature: I don't deserve to be spoken to that way. When you are ready to speak to me with respect, you let me know. I leave.

 

Arrogant: For such an intelligent woman, I am utterly in shock of the ignorant things that come out your mouth.

 

Sarcastic: You better be nice to me. Remember, I will be the one picking out your Nursing Home.....It's either going to be Shady Acres or State Run Facility...your choice...

 

On serious note, he will not change. It is very possible he has a mental problem; can you have him evaluated?

[Geishawhelk]

People make comments like this out of fear.

He has fears - about all these social factions, because they are a threat to his equillibrium and stability.

 

Here's verbalising what makes him fearful:

 

Please note: These are not my opinions. These are the opinions of someone who has a thing about these matters.....

 

He's fearful of gays because when he was a lad, they were all in the closet. It might have been a fact, but it wasn't flaunted by Gay Pride Marches, Civil Unions and gay TV presenters all over the place.

 

He's fearful of Muslims covering up, because you can't see their faces, and you can't trust anyone you can't see. Robbers and hoodlums wear face covers, don't they? And why do they insist on wearing these clothes here? If you're in a western country, you should fit in, not separate yourself and make yourself stand out as different!

 

He's fearful of you flaunting yourself because you're his little girl. You're all grown up, but not to him you're not., You'll attract the wrong attention, and you won't be safe, and what if he can't protect you when you need it? You're only his little girl!

 

And by the way:

No boyfriend will ever be good enough for you. So he's either gay, or cheating.

So if you break up, he hasn't lost you for good.

 

I don't know whether any of this is near the mark, or way off bat.

It's just very typical of two men I happen to know.

[quankanne]

hon, the best thing you can do for yourself is to learn to blow off his hurtful remarks. Sometimes I'd give my dad a dirty look when he'd say something stupid, and he'd be upset about my "bxtchy look" or I'd point blank tell him, "if you're going to act stupid, I'm going to treat you like you're stupid," and he'd be so hurt. Because he wasn't expecting that kind of response, but rather thought he could get way with a stealth snarky comment, the kind where a polite person wouldn't mention it.

 

frankly, I think treating everyone who does snarky stuff like that in this particular manner cuts out the BS because they know you're not game for their bad behavior!

 

after awhile, you realize, it only hurts if you allow yourself to care about it.