Am I making too big a deal out of this?

[NEC17]

I've been dating this girl for a few months now. We're both in college, and she has told me about her previous sex life a couple times (per my asking). She has had multiple partners (over 10), which bothers me. What bothers me the most though are two particular instances. One was when she told me about a guy she slept with about 2 months before we got together. He was just using her for the sex and didn't want anything else. That was the first time we really discussed her sexual history. The second is more recent, she told me how special sex was with me, but then she talked about previous boyfriends she had sex with. Some of them it was just because they wanted. Sometimes she would tell them "no", but they would keep pressing the issue and she would give in, saying she would "detach herself" from it.

 

 

So basically the number of guys she has slept with in her past bothers me. After her telling me about the number of guys it was (the first time) I told her about it bothering me but I would try to not let it effect me. I haven't told her anything about the more recent one yet because I don't know how I should feel. The fact that she has had so many partners and she could simply say to herself "f* it" and detach herself in those instances really bothers me. Do you guys think I'm being unfair feeling this way or what?

 

 

I also wanted to add in that I don't think she is going to cheat on me or anything for anyone thinking it may just be paranoia. I'm just wondering if it is unfair for her past to effect me so much.

[norajane]

What would be unfair is for her past to affect you so much, yet you end up staying with her and making her feel like she did something wrong. She doesn't owe you a past you approve of.

 

Her past made her who she is today. If you can't deal with it, then get out of this relationship.

[NEC17]

So basically you're saying get out before I risk hurting her even more? In your opinion is it salvageable?

[norajane]

I don't have a crystal ball, so I can't really tell you how it could play out. But, there are a LOT of threads here about retroactive jealousy, and most of those guys who are miserable about their girls' pasts don't really seem to get over it. Instead, it starts to consume their thoughts until they can't think of anything else, the girls end of feeling like pond scum because of all the negativity and judgment, and, in the worst cases, the guys end up not being able to sleep and get ulcers.

 

So, what I'm saying is, if you find yourself not being able to get over this and it's not getting any better with time and it really bothers you, yeah, get out before you hurt her and turn yourself inside out.

 

But, if you think you can manage to look at her past and leave it there - as in, it has nothing to do with her relationship with you and the kind of sex life you two can create together, then you have as good a chance as anyone else dating in college.

[norajane]

Read through these threads:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t162396/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t163701/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t168643/

 

There's a lot of good discussion there that will give you some things to think about.

[NEC17]

I appreciate the feedback. Obviously I'm not going to make a decision based off of another person's (or 100 people) opinion, but advise is always helpful in formulating one's own decision.

[norajane]

I'm sure you won't make a decision based on anybody's advice. Few people do!

 

However, reading through people's experiences and what they did and how they felt and the different perspectives will help you understand what you're dealing with. You can use that to think about your situation and feelings and come to your own conclusions.

[kdark]

When did over ten become too much? I'm really out of touch with norm.. I don't even ask for a specific number... It doesn't matter, it's in the past...

 

But a girl who initially says no when a guy asks her for sex, then relents after they keep pestering her, and gets no enjoyment out of the actual act and detaches herself from it says a lot about her personality... It's sounds like she's never "made love" with someone and always just "got f*cked" by guys.

 

Be glad that she says it's special with you, and get over her past. We all do stupid things. It's called living.

[brokenboy]

So basically you're saying get out before I risk hurting her even more? In your opinion is it salvageable?

 

yes. there are those who say leaving is the best or only option. And it may be... if you do not work on it and continue to feel pain and inflict pain on her, then leaving is probably best. if you feel you want to be with her, you want to improve yourself, then it is entirely salvageable. I'm telling you from experience, this issue for you will likely not end with the next worman... you'll find something.

 

I appreciate the feedback. Obviously I'm not going to make a decision based off of another person's (or 100 people) opinion, but advise is always helpful in formulating one's own decision.

 

nor should you, that's smart. knowing you have a problem is a great start. I'll say this, reading your original post, I understand completely. You want to understand her state of mind when she was screwing other dudes... what you may ask yourself is "if it didn't mean anything to her then, how can it mean anything with me?!". or maybe you don't like that she was used. if so, there's an underlying issue of trust... that she loves you.

 

I can say this about my experiences... I used to equate sex with love, and in order to achieve 'feeling loved', I had a lot of sex with a lot of partners. And in the process, I devalued the thing I wanted to value most! DUH!!

 

if any of this sounds familiar, then take this advice: look for other ways to know she loves and cares about you. And whenever you start going down the dark whole, do some self talk and remind yourself of those things.