What would you do? (work or separate?)

[Raider230]

My wife and I have been married just under 2 years. I must first say we both love each other very much and want to thrive in our relationship, but we have had many deep issues the past year.

 

Issues developed from family tragedies and divorces, work, etc. I'm sure it is very normal for couples to face these obstacles. Somehow the combination of these things have torn a seam between us. I feel like a roomate, we have zero intimacy, don't have sex often for a young couple, etc. We both can admit we have donated problems to the marriage.

 

I have come to a point of uncertainty with a couple recent developments. My wife used to struggle with an eating disorder she told me about before we got married. She was bulimic, but I always asked her about it, tried to keep her accountable, etc. She became very sick and admitted to having continued to struggle with it. She is now having therapy for it. Of course that type of behavior and trust has taken me back by not wanting to have kids anytime soon with her (trust and health).

 

Yesterday I found out that a guy at work has been flirting with her for a while now, and is asking / texting her to go out for drinks (just one time by phone). He is not married. I think she has flirted with the idea, but she isn't the type to go do that. (I know you can't trust anyone) She has had family who have done that and she has disrespected those who cheat type girl. I know this is an act of her needing me more and needing to provide her what she needs.

 

I haven't gone to these measures, but I have distanced myself and am at fault as much as her...but these issues have torn me up to someone who doesn't trust her and who is uncertain about a future and family, etc with her. I don't believe in divorce, but I don't want to dig a hole any deeper either. I love her, but don't want to be in what it currently is.

 

What are your thoughts and experiences? Thanks!

[2sure]

Marriage requires effort and work. I know that not having been married long it is possible you did not expect it to be so much effort initially. But I think that is when it is the hardest - simply because you dont have a lot of good history built up, like a foundation. Also, because you dont have much practice together at problem solving, dealing with crisis, and even arguments. Pulling away from each other may seem almost a natural reaction to conflict - but in marriage you need to do the opposite.

 

I say these things only because you make it clear you love your wife. And you state that you have both contributed to the status of your marriage as it stands today. It may seem that the two of you are dealing with more crisis than others as newly weds...but we all face challenges early in our marriages - everyone's are different.

 

The fact that your wife is already in therapy for her problem is a great thing. But the two of you are together now. The marriage is like a single entity. You have to work together, not as individuals - at least at this point. Attend MC or therapy together , that would be a good first step in openning a line of communication and acting like a "couple" .

[dead-dyke]

If you can work at it, do it. I only wish my wife would have chose this road instead of the other one. 0 effort. Didn't even want to talk about it. Just left the marriage, onto someone else, ('just a friend') and now it's done.

 

 

P.s. - In other words, put the effort forward, you'll appreciate the outcome better.

[skinman]

Raider230,

I feel for you man. I am in the middle of a separation myself. tomorrow will be one month. When my wife asked me to move out i agreed thinking that a break was needed for us, well in the past month she has turned against me and wont even consider trying to make it work. We have been together 16 years and married for 15. it breaks my heart knowing that she gets stronger everyday as I get weaker.. I would do everything possible to work on your marriage, look into counseling together or even for yourself it will help to have someone to at least hear you out. It seems so hard once you or they get out of the hosue. my wife hardly talks to me .. she told me she hated me and has for some time... here I was thinkng all was good and Whamo. she flips out and wants me out...

 

keep plugging away and try hard to work it out if thats what you want...

My thoughts and prayers and with you... Good luck

[dead-dyke]

Raider230,

I feel for you man. I am in the middle of a separation myself. tomorrow will be one month. When my wife asked me to move out i agreed thinking that a break was needed for us, well in the past month she has turned against me and wont even consider trying to make it work. We have been together 16 years and married for 15. it breaks my heart knowing that she gets stronger everyday as I get weaker.. I would do everything possible to work on your marriage, look into counseling together or even for yourself it will help to have someone to at least hear you out. It seems so hard once you or they get out of the hosue. my wife hardly talks to me .. she told me she hated me and has for some time... here I was thinkng all was good and Whamo. she flips out and wants me out...

 

keep plugging away and try hard to work it out if thats what you want...

My thoughts and prayers and with you... Good luck

 

 

Same thing here, skin - She told me to leave, and like you, thinking give time to settle down, that was it. I couldn't get back in to get clothes after a while. Worst thing I ever did. How does this fix something, when you aren't aloud back into your life, just from respecting her wishes.

[skinman]

Same thing here, skin - She told me to leave, and like you, thinking give time to settle down, that was it. I couldn't get back in to get clothes after a while. Worst thing I ever did. How does this fix something, when you aren't aloud back into your life, just from respecting her wishes.

 

Dang DD,

sorry to hear that friend... It has been a tough road for me as i am sure it has for you.. I am living in a basement while her and my gilrs have my 5 bedroom house.. she ven wants me to let her live there and pay 1/2 mortage for 5 years..... she will be surprised... i'll make her sell it in a year when I file..... so sorry to hear that so many men are in the same situations.... keep hanginf DD.. i wish you the best buddy...

[yeahblue]

i dont want to take away from the post. but seriously- what do you do? Apparently skinnman is me, or i am him, or we are each other. i havent got a clue but everything that is going on with me matches his almost identical.

 

a customer of mine who is enduring a divorce (who is hot by the way) suggested limited contact and conversation in the hopes that there would be a realization of the mistake being made.

 

seriously i really dont get it. i just dont. what is a marriage supposed to be if not a "bail out as soon as anything bad happens" type thing, which seems to be happeneing here. didnt anyone else the the "love is patient, love is blind, love is forgiving" .......blah blah. it apparently only meant something to half of us.

 

still- i really dont understand. i am bright and just dont follow that rationale.

 

by the way this is my first post. just got here and obviously struggling like everyone else.

 

david

[dead-dyke]

Problem is yeahblue, our ex's only remember the 'Blah, Blah' part. - Welcome to 'Love'shack.

[yeahblue]

i agree, but does anyone have an understanding to why? why is all you really need to carry on. a justifiable why i mean.

 

its all about closure and 50 grand to move on. nothing to it. i have a fat money tree out back. and my attorney said i was in "good" shape.

 

unreal.

[dead-dyke]

i agree, but does anyone have an understanding to why? why is all you really need to carry on. a justifiable why i mean.

 

its all about closure and 50 grand to move on. nothing to it. i have a fat money tree out back. and my attorney said i was in "good" shape.

 

unreal.

 

My take - It takes two to be married, one to get out. From everything I've read in here, and other sites, it's very, very common. A phenomenon called WAW. (walk away wife). Not just limited to wives, mind you, but as you will see, the majority of people coming here to try and get advice or opinions on how to save their marriages, are men.

 

That being said, the only other thing I can tell you, is 'I don't know'. In my case, we were having issues, nothing that wasn't fixable, but instead of making me understand how dire my actions were being, I was allowed to carry on. Now, only after some self reflection, still being schooled to this day, as we are always learning, and you will too, what you have contributed to the demise, or hopefully, just your separation. The mindset will never be understood, and there are other sites that you will likely visit like divorce busters, marriage builders, and other sites trying to understand - And you will see confusion runs rampant.

 

It's like all logic takes a flying leap. I'm convinced my wife had no intentions of letting me fix my problems and come home, because about a month and a half later while still in panic mode, I found out about the OM. The hard way .

 

The time, years, history put in meant nothing. She found someone else,and she was infatuated w/ him. Even after a little more than a year separated, and recently divorced, I was never given the chance to prove myself and work through our problems. We are in a generation of throw away relationships - So why bother w/ marriage? 'I don't know'. I think myself, to trust another human being is proving to be harder and harder. Who can you trust, when you promise to love, and cherish each other till death do you part - You're wife?!?! Anybody can throw you under the bus... Anybody. But - I have read of reconciliation happenning before, even after divorce, so it does happen. The thing is.......... will you want her back when the time comes that she comes back around? That's for each man to decide for themselves.

[skinman]

i dont want to take away from the post. but seriously- what do you do? Apparently skinnman is me, or i am him, or we are each other. i havent got a clue but everything that is going on with me matches his almost identical.

 

a customer of mine who is enduring a divorce (who is hot by the way) suggested limited contact and conversation in the hopes that there would be a realization of the mistake being made.

 

seriously i really dont get it. i just dont. what is a marriage supposed to be if not a "bail out as soon as anything bad happens" type thing, which seems to be happeneing here. didnt anyone else the the "love is patient, love is blind, love is forgiving" .......blah blah. it apparently only meant something to half of us.

 

still- i really dont understand. i am bright and just dont follow that rationale.

 

by the way this is my first post. just got here and obviously struggling like everyone else.

 

david

 

I feel for you Yeahblue,

If your going through anything like I am its a shame. like DD said below its a throw away society. My wife couldn't wait to get me out of the house when she finally asked me to leave... Granted like you guys we had our little problems but i never in my wildest dreams thouht she would throw away 16 years.. I know when I married her it was for better or worse.......it cant get any worse than having Sex once a month.... and I was not going to leave her.. even ater she gained 50lbs i still stuck by her.. and to think she had been planning this all along and i never caught wind.

 

I wish you all the best, Raider230 try and make it work if you can.. know that it might get tough but if you want it bad enough you can do it...

Dead-dyke and Yeahblue... your in my thoughts guys. I wish you the best and happiness in your futures..

 

Skin

[dead-dyke]

I feel for you Yeahblue,

If your going through anything like I am its a shame. like DD said below its a throw away society. My wife couldn't wait to get me out of the house when she finally asked me to leave... Granted like you guys we had our little problems but i never in my wildest dreams thouht she would throw away 16 years.. I know when I married her it was for better or worse.......it cant get any worse than having Sex once a month.... and I was not going to leave her.. even ater she gained 50lbs i still stuck by her.. and to think she had been planning this all along and i never caught wind.

 

I wish you all the best, Raider230 try and make it work if you can.. know that it might get tough but if you want it bad enough you can do it...

Dead-dyke and Yeahblue... your in my thoughts guys. I wish you the best and happiness in your futures..

 

Skin

 

Appreciate your thoughts, skin - But my pitty party is over - sure I still hope, but - You, and yeahblue, and others like that need more thoughts right now. You guys are in our thoughts - If there is one thing I've learned, is the revolving door of marriage is an unfortunate reality.

[skinman]

Appreciate your thoughts, skin - But my pitty party is over - sure I still hope, but - You, and yeahblue, and others like that need more thoughts right now. You guys are in our thoughts - If there is one thing I've learned, is the revolving door of marriage is an unfortunate reality.

 

It is sad DD to think that my wife could throw away 15+ years like it was nothing... not even looking back as she packed my stuff... It breaks my heart to hear that someone else is going through the exact same things.. i know how much it hurts me and I feel for Yeahblue and everyone else.. It amazes me that some women can be so cold and calculated to do this.... I never would have left no matter how bad it got... I still love her very much and I am trying not to get bitter but every timie I see her of talk with her ths indifference Is evident........ For my sake I have tried to forgive her.. but that doesn't make it one bit easier to go through...

 

Good luck Raider230... your going to need it my friend !!

[Fearful Wife]

Dear Raider230 and skinman,

 

This might prove interesting on the Walk-Away Wife syndrome: http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

 

I'm sorry your wives are past the "complaining period," but I think there is hope.

 

Raider230, I reached a crisis point in my marriage three years ago, and my husband said, "Before you make a decision, please try marriage counseling with me." It was the best thing we ever did. We still have our problems, but our communication is much better and our relationship has definitely grown and morphed into something much, much better than it was.

 

Insist on MC with your W.

[skinman]

Dear Raider230 and skinman,

 

This might prove interesting on the Walk-Away Wife syndrome: http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

 

I'm sorry your wives are past the "complaining period," but I think there is hope.

 

Raider230, I reached a crisis point in my marriage three years ago, and my husband said, "Before you make a decision, please try marriage counseling with me." It was the best thing we ever did. We still have our problems, but our communication is much better and our relationship has definitely grown and morphed into something much, much better than it was.

 

Insist on MC with your W.

 

Thanks Fearful Wife,

I have asked mine about counseling and she flat out said no.. this was a few weeks ago but judging by her actions and words she is done with us.. she has said that she hats me and doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone else for that matter..I think she is having a mid life crisis.. she seems to think that she will find someone with whom she has more in common... who knows maybe she already has found him....I dont know and not sure if I could really handle it if i did know.....

 

I forwarded that same article to her to read about the walk away wife..... that was her to a tee.... I never saw it coming she never expressed how dire the situation was ......... She just bailed on 15 years and has re-written the history of our marriage to justify her actions and make her seem the victim... she even told her family that I left her... but they already knew the real story that she kicked me out and couldn't believe what she told them.... so I wish Raider230 the best of luck.... dont let it get to the point that mine did...15 years is a long time to throw away

[Raider230]

Thanks everybody for your input. Its bittersweet to know others are in your shoes of all ages and walks of life.

 

We have actually had our ups and downs during the course of the month. Seems the last two weeks were our best and this past weekend was our worst! I'll give you an example of yesterday...

 

Wife and I walk to get coffee in the morning, enjoy each others company, decide we are going to lay around and watch a movie early afternoon as she was still sleepy. We watch a movie together, she falls asleep, wakes up...at a commercial for the movie I change the channel to see the score of the football game. She insists I turn it off or on mute and I say, I'm watching the movie still, but want to check the score during the commercial. She then gets angry gets up gets her purse to leave and says, get out! Go stay with your mom...I don't want this anymore! -This is all for a football score at a commercial to a movie! I watch football often, but I don't take up our Saturday, Sunday and Monday with it. A game or two tops all weekend.

 

She settled down and returned home still hurt. How am I supposed to want to start a family, buy a house, etc with someone who works like that? I know she loves me, but I know she doesn't like me at the same time if that makes sense.

[Schlicky77]

Like others have said, it takes two to work out a Marriage. It's tough when the other person has given up. I'm in that situation right now and it is not fun. There is only so much one person can do. But nothing will change if the other person does not show interest in working things out.

[skinman]

Like others have said, it takes two to work out a Marriage. It's tough when the other person has given up. I'm in that situation right now and it is not fun. There is only so much one person can do. But nothing will change if the other person does not show interest in working things out.

 

I feel for you Schlicky77,

if you ahve seen my post you know I am right there with you friend... It is sad when no matter what you do to make things right...the other person has given up its tough to handle.... Best wishes to you all........