My Ex is trying to find me after 10 years

[georgejungle]

She found me on Facebook. Not sure how. She just messaged

me and asked if it was ME or not and if so, she's been trying

hard to find me.... I haven't responded.

 

Why the Hell i'm giving a crap, is beyond me. It's been on my

mind all day. We were so young at the time and she was my

first real Love. I was so, so crazy about her. We were friends first

in college then dated and got heavy for a year, then she went

away to NYC for school for a year and when she got back for a break, she

broke up with me, Said we were too young, too rushed, a bunch of

other "i need to be free" stuff. I fought it but in the end, respected

her feelings, even though I was 100% Completely crushed and went

thru a major major bum out. BUT She wanted to remain friends...

So we hung out a little and then She went back to NYC after

a few weeks.

 

2 months later I found out, she had met a guy out there and

That's why she broke up with me. But i didn't even bother to

confront her about it, I stopped all contact. She called me

a few times, but i never called her back. i moved to a different

city, found a new life. This was 10 years ago. I'm married now,

baby, in my early 30's, i'm very happy.

 

But now all these stupid feelings are coming up, memories,

feelings, just weird stuff. I have no desire to welcome her

back into my life or strike up a new friendship, i mean, i'm

married now and aommited 100%, But when i saw a

recent pic of her on Facebook it's just put me in a weird

daze all day..i've been thinking about the past, all these

fond memories & feelings.

 

Should I even respond to her? I don't really have anything

to say to her, but a weird part of me wants her to know

how bad i hurt after we ended and that i Know why she

really broke up with me plus, i guess part of me wants to

know WHY she's trying to find me. I know it's not a "i'm

pregnant" thing, trust me.

 

Or should i just delete the message.

[imagine]

Bad idea to call. Bad for you. Bad for her.

 

As for Mrs Georgej... Bah Bah Baa-a-a-aad!!

[lady_door]

I agree, bad idea.

 

You're already confused as to what you feel about her, so do you really want to meet up with her and have it confirmed that there are still feelings there?

 

You say you're happy with the way your life is going, you love your wife & your family.... if you want to keep it that way stay away from your ex.

[georgejungle]

i know, i know, i know, you're right.

 

no i agree, I'm a levelheaded guy. I would never do anything

shady behind my wife's back, ever. I can't justify calling my

Ex. I would NEVER meet with her either, i know if I did, feelings

would be stirred for sure. I would never act on them though, so

what's the point, right?

 

I'm just wondering if i should respond to her email or not.

Part of me doesn't want her to keep trying to find me. As it is,

my wife doesn't know. I wouldn't want my ex trying to go thru

other channels. I feel like i should just take care of it now, rather

than ignore the message, see what she wants and go from there,

tell her i'm married and "nice to hear from ya, but BYE!".

[Geishawhelk]

"You dumped me back way back then, you hurt me immeasurably. Now, I'm the happiest man alive. Why would I want to get back in touch with you, after what you did?

Don't contact me again."

 

And tell your wife.

[georgejungle]

thanks all.

 

After pondering, I feel dumb for even letting it rattle me.

Who Cares what happened when we were young? If i don't

care and moved on before and closed that book, why even

open it up just a little by responding to her, right?

 

it was just something that threw me for a loop, i wasn' expecting

to ever hear from her again.

[2sure]

Obviously you have come to terms with your own question already but i had something I wanted to add:

 

After 10 years, we just arent the same people any more. Especially if your talking about being in your 20s compared to your 30s. Marriage, children, life changes everything about a person. She may be so far removed from who she was then...she may not even sincerely remember why she broke up with you, maybe only vaguely.

[Konfuzion]

"You dumped me back way back then, you hurt me immeasurably. Now, I'm the happiest man alive. Why would I want to get back in touch with you, after what you did?

Don't contact me again."

 

And tell your wife.

 

Best answer, end her search for you, put her in her place and your not keeping it secret from your wife.

[2sure]

"You dumped me back way back then, you hurt me immeasurably. Now, I'm the happiest man alive. Why would I want to get back in touch with you, after what you did?

Don't contact me again."

 

And tell your wife.

 

A++++

This IS the best answer. Satisfies your needs, her possible questions, and would make any wife feel 100% secure.

[georgejungle]

I know if I even mention that my Ex is trying to

find me to my wife, But that i sent her away, it'll still send my

wife into a little mood, so i'm dreading that. my Wife can

tend to be a little on the jealous side. It's pretty bad

timing for my Ex to be contacting me like this. My wife

just had our first child, isn't feeling very pretty, ya know,

out of shape and the lot. So telling her about this, isn't

really what she wants to hear right now.

[lady_door]

Uhm... I know that I'm the minority on this, but I wouldn't tell the wife.

 

I mean, what are you going to tell her anyway? NOTHING happenend on your part, you didn't even reply to your ex's message. By telling her you just make it seem like a big deal.

[georgejungle]

Uhm... I know that I'm the minority on this, but I wouldn't tell the wife

 

I mean, what are you going to tell her anyway? NOTHING happenend on your part, you didn't even reply to your ex's message. By telling her you just make it seem like a big deal.

 

I agree with this. I agree also with not telling the wife even if i DID repsond to my EX's message so long as i'm cordially telling her to take a hike and it goes no further than that.

 

Is that totally wrong?

[Konfuzion]

I don't know I would take a serious look at my relationship if I felt like I couldn't tell my wife that an ex of 10 years contacted me without having to worry about how she would react. Jealousy in itself can ruin a relationship.

[georgejungle]

man, I Am EFF'd !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call me a Psycho.

 

This whole thing has been bugging me ALL week Long.

I've been feeling so pent up with emotion all last night

and all day here that I almost feel like i could totally cry my

eyes out. It feels like some weird crazy Bridges of Madison

County/Casablanca kinda thing. What the hell is wrong with me?

It's totally not my style. I've had a few other girlfriends in my

past, why is This one causing me so much heartache?

 

I saw a few more recent photos of my Ex online today and they

just hurled me back 10 years ago. She looks good. She looks like

she really turned herself around yet, it's still very much her. She's

single and has moved back a few cities away from what i've gathered.

And i can't help feeling all these weird, crazy feelings about her like

i've missed her really bad, feelings i thought were totally dead. I was

so happy with her, We had a lot of good times and a lot of fun

together, i was so Head over heels Madly In love with her. We did

so many things together while we were a couple, went so many

places, shared so many things and planned so many other things.

We even joked about marriage and kids down the road. Granted,

we were young, but It felt really special.

 

Well, I went ahead and responded to her initial message.

(i know i know) it was cordial and totally platonic. I don't want it

to go much further than a few message exchanges, but i also didn't

want to just blow her off. I've realized in the last couple of days that, i truly do want to know how she is doing. I mean when we parted, we weren't a couple, but we still had laughs. We didn't end on horrible "I hate You" terms. I just later found out she has been kinda hanging out with another guy out there at school and etc etc, you know the story, I just stopped calling her.

 

F.Foward 10 years later...

 

Anyway, i feel like the biggest A-hole in the world, for feeling like

this. I know I won't act on anything. This is all something that i just totally wasn't expecting to happen to me. I never ever though I

would feel this way. I do feel guilty, i do. But I trust myself, i won't

act on anything. I do love my wife. i could never hurt her.

 

I just needed to vent, i have no one to really talk this over with

[Bryanp]

Did you find out why she wanted to contact you?

[InLimbo2]

Sorry - I'm with the 'tell your wife' group. It may bother her and pluck some insecurities to know an ex was searching for you, but it will be a much larger pot of sh*t if she finds out after the fact that there has been mutual communication. It's actually pretty normal for a flood of feelings and memories to arise when you are caught off guard and come 'face to face' so to speak with your first love.

 

I have been divorced about 12 years, 2 1/2 years ago I met The One. Of course I've had boyfriends in those 10 years or so - sometimes they pop up unexpectedly. Some I'm still friends with. SO trusts me implicitly - so much in fact that he flat out told me I don't have to tell him about every contact from a guy I used to see. So a couple months ago a guy who I had been very serious with contacts me out of the blue - his marriage that I told him wouldn't work - didn't. He was lookin to see if he could get back with me. Now - I had the perfect 'out' - SO told me I didn't need to inform him. I told him anyway. He was nonchalant about it - seemed just another run of the mill contact from an old flame. I let him know this was different - this guy had a goal. I told him how I was handling it. SO didn't get bent, didn't get jealous, and let me handle it my way. But he was even further assured of my total honestly, fidelity, and transparency on how I live my life with him. Old flame faded back into the past where he belonged.

 

Tell your wife before she finds out - there are no such things as secrets anymore.

 

man, I Am EFF'd !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call me a Psycho.

 

This whole thing has been bugging me ALL week Long.

I've been feeling so pent up with emotion all last night

and all day here that I almost feel like i could totally cry my

eyes out. It feels like some weird crazy Bridges of Madison

County/Casablanca kinda thing. What the hell is wrong with me?

It's totally not my style. I've had a few other girlfriends in my

past, why is This one causing me so much heartache?

 

I saw a few more recent photos of my Ex online today and they

just hurled me back 10 years ago. She looks good. She looks like

she really turned herself around yet, it's still very much her. She's

single and has moved back a few cities away from what i've gathered.

And i can't help feeling all these weird, crazy feelings about her like

i've missed her really bad, feelings i thought were totally dead. I was

so happy with her, We had a lot of good times and a lot of fun

together, i was so Head over heels Madly In love with her. We did

so many things together while we were a couple, went so many

places, shared so many things and planned so many other things.

We even joked about marriage and kids down the road. Granted,

we were young, but It felt really special.

 

Well, I went ahead and responded to her initial message.

(i know i know) it was cordial and totally platonic. I don't want it

to go much further than a few message exchanges, but i also didn't

want to just blow her off. I've realized in the last couple of days that, i truly do want to know how she is doing. I mean when we parted, we weren't a couple, but we still had laughs. We didn't end on horrible "I hate You" terms. I just later found out she has been kinda hanging out with another guy out there at school and etc etc, you know the story, I just stopped calling her.

 

F.Foward 10 years later...

 

Anyway, i feel like the biggest A-hole in the world, for feeling like

this. I know I won't act on anything. This is all something that i just totally wasn't expecting to happen to me. I never ever though I

would feel this way. I do feel guilty, i do. But I trust myself, i won't

act on anything. I do love my wife. i could never hurt her.

 

I just needed to vent, i have no one to really talk this over with

[lady_door]

man, I Am EFF'd !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call me a Psycho.

 

This whole thing has been bugging me ALL week Long.

I've been feeling so pent up with emotion all last night

and all day here that I almost feel like i could totally cry my

eyes out. It feels like some weird crazy Bridges of Madison

County/Casablanca kinda thing. What the hell is wrong with me?

It's totally not my style. I've had a few other girlfriends in my

past, why is This one causing me so much heartache?

 

I saw a few more recent photos of my Ex online today and they

just hurled me back 10 years ago. She looks good. She looks like

she really turned herself around yet, it's still very much her. She's

single and has moved back a few cities away from what i've gathered.

And i can't help feeling all these weird, crazy feelings about her like

i've missed her really bad, feelings i thought were totally dead. I was

so happy with her, We had a lot of good times and a lot of fun

together, i was so Head over heels Madly In love with her. We did

so many things together while we were a couple, went so many

places, shared so many things and planned so many other things.

We even joked about marriage and kids down the road. Granted,

we were young, but It felt really special.

 

Well, I went ahead and responded to her initial message.

(i know i know) it was cordial and totally platonic. I don't want it

to go much further than a few message exchanges, but i also didn't

want to just blow her off. I've realized in the last couple of days that, i truly do want to know how she is doing. I mean when we parted, we weren't a couple, but we still had laughs. We didn't end on horrible "I hate You" terms. I just later found out she has been kinda hanging out with another guy out there at school and etc etc, you know the story, I just stopped calling her.

 

F.Foward 10 years later...

 

Anyway, i feel like the biggest A-hole in the world, for feeling like

this. I know I won't act on anything. This is all something that i just totally wasn't expecting to happen to me. I never ever though I

would feel this way. I do feel guilty, i do. But I trust myself, i won't

act on anything. I do love my wife. i could never hurt her.

 

I just needed to vent, i have no one to really talk this over with

 

 

Don't go down that road. Seriously.

 

What you're feeling right now is completetly normal and understandable, she was a huge part of your life at some point.

 

But what you're trying to do now is unfair to your wife (even if you really won't act on anything - which you can't be sure about before you're in the situation) and it won't be good for you either.

 

Also, you should ask yourself WHAT DOES SHE WANT FROM YOU? You said she's single now and lives nearby. To me that speaks for itself.

[ladyintights]

Tell the wife about what? That some random girl who shouldn't mean anything contacted him on social website? Oh brother! Why place that much significance in some wh*re!? She met someone else out in another city and got rid of you! Now she wants you back when SHE SEES FIT??? I would explain to her that you know why they broke up, you have no interest in hanging onto any fragment of a relationship with her, and are happy that things went the way they did because now you are happy with a beautiful wife and child!

 

BTW, why should he care what SHE wants from him now? We all know what she wants- that much is obvious. Time to bury this relationship in the gutter your ex left it in.

[mental_traveller]

Tell your wife. That will nix any potential for straying - whether emotionally or physically.

[SierraRose]

"Thanks, but no thanks..." Let her know you are a happily married man with a family, then NC from that point on.

[johan]

Stop being weak and untrustworthy. Your family needs you.

 

Don't respond to your ex anymore. Don't tell your wife. Doing either will just make a big deal out of something that should never have been a big deal. The past belongs in the past, so make sure it stays there.

 

Lose the facebook profile or whatever it is. What do you need that for anyway?

[georgejungle]

**UPDATE**

 

So, I replied as i had said. Anyway, after she saw that I had

replied to her initial message, she responded with a "I was trying

to find you, to tell you that I'm Sorry. i know it's out

of nowhere, 10 years later, but i'm sorry if i ever hurt you,

i'm sorry that we ended the way we did and that i wasn't

more 'adult' about everything. You are a great person,

i'm sorry i hurt such a good person. you were always so good

to me. i'm sorry i was naive. I hope you're well" etc etc

 

ANNND... i responded by telling her that "it was 'no big deal' and

that i'm doing great, married, child, couldn't be better"...she

never responded, although i can see that she did indeed read it,

immediately in fact, this was 5 days ago. no response.

 

done deal. i'm over it. she stirred me all up and i acted like an idiot

the past couple weeks, but i'm glad there is some closure. i was curious

to know what the heck she wanted though after all these years,

I still don't know...Why after 10 years is she apologizing for all

the things I thought she was oblivious to?

 

 

 

Lose the facebook profile or whatever it is. What do you need that for anyway?

Seriously, i'm gonna dump the profile.

[brothelmaiden]

Well dear, she contacted you after 10 years... she was young when you two were together and had the urge to experience other men. She's finally realized that most men out there are trash and reflected on what she lost years ago. Now, I'm sure she has been wanting to contact you for several years, but just couldn't reach you... that is until she discovered your profile online. Now, it's been 10 years and she needed to speak to you, meaning she still has feelings for you. What I love about the exchange is that her email seemed so dramatic especially since 10 years has come and gone and your retort really probably made her feel like a complete idiot/fool.. I myself would shut off all communication methods with you after that due to utter humiliation.

Good day!

 

PS If it really was only about "feeling guilty for hurting such a nice guy", she'd respond in a happy tone relaying the fact she is happy for you etc etc. No- this wasn't just a friendship email, I have a feeling she wanted this to spark up another romance between the two of you.

 

Taking down your profile would be a symbolic gesture; you don't want to be bothered by people like her anymore.

[Wozzie]

Run away from this woman. Seriously.

 

There are FAR too many factors in your life right now that make this temptation hard to resist. Sure, you think you can handle it, but you can't. Believe me. The same thing happened to me with MySpace, and I ended up sleeping with the guy and almost losing my husband and children.

 

You are NOT the person you were ten years ago. You are a husband, a father, and someone who is VERY important to the people who live in your house.

 

Put the girl on block. Don't visit her page anymore. DO NOT tell your wife. She is not at a very good emotional state after just having a baby. Be the man who you KNOW you are and get away from this chick, hold tightly to your family, and protect it at ALL costs.

 

Don't make the mistake I made. A revisit from the past is not worth the hurt it will cause your family, and it will ultimately lead to you being tempted beyond what you can humanly bear. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LISTEN TO ME ON THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Vertex]

I'm gonna have to go with brothelmaiden on this one. Odds are she's feeling some regret at having broken it off with you because her recent relationships have not gone as planned. The fact that this ex read your reply and did not respond implies that she was indeed having old feelings return, and was likely a bit embarrassed/humiliated.

 

All that's been said so far is really all that should be said. Don't contact her any further... leave the past in the past. Even if you have fond memories, try to just appreciate it as a stage in your life. You're in a new stage now, and so you should just give the past a nod of acknowledgment and move on.