Well found out she had an online affair...

[mendsley]

So I was sitting here and been having this gut feeling that my wife was seeing someone else. So.. I managed to get into her hotmail, myspace, facebook, and a new email she had made. So I found about 200 emails of her and this guy saying they love each other, can't wait to be together, he was sending her pictures of him masturbating, and she was sending him pics of her in panties, I did not find any nudity on her part. I am so tore up right now I do not know what to do. I printed up about 100 email to hold onto. So I called her and confronted her about this and she said it was my fault. She has caught me on porn sites here and there, because I did not know what else to do, we had sex about 4 -6 times a year. She said she could not even talk to me, but how can someone do this when they are married? She should of left when she realized this was about to happen. These emails have stopped about 2 months ago but they still happened while we were married. She did not say sorry or seem to regret that it even happened. All she was concerned about was how I managed into get her hotmail account password. I guess this would be a deal breaker for our marriage and I should go get a laywer ASAP, but is that the right thing to do? I still love her and she is not seeing this guy anymore. She said they never met in person, but they did mention that she left me and know they can be together. Everyone said to go with my gut instinct and sure enough it was correct. Thanks for reading!!!

[ilmw]

Right or wrong.... she is pissed! This just adds another layer of an issue upon issues.... driving a deeper wedge.

 

She did this.... she has been caught... but you spied... and that my friend... is bad if you wanted to reconcile. Now if you wanted a divorce... its the fuel for the fire.

 

Not much else I can think of.... other than... was it worth it? To finally know there was in fact something going on...? You decide

 

I'm sure you will get plenty of responses to this thread...

 

Keep your chin up... and start thinking with your head .... your road might just get a little rockier.

 

ilmw

[carhill]

Dude, it doesn't matter what is right. What you heard is her truth, and it will change tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow

 

If you love her and want to work on the M, suggest MC and bring all the stuff ( including your sex life, porn and her liason(s)) out in the open.

 

If not, get legal advice and D....

 

I personally would not want to live with that kind of rancor. It would be (and has been) either of the two above choices for me (the former in our case).

[mendsley]

I had one hell of a night, I got about 1 hour of sleep. I am trying to get a hold of my counselor so I could start with that healing. I am really confused if that was the right thing to do, me snooping her emails, but I do think it is something that had to come to light. She would talk with this guy like she has never talked to me in our reltionship. I do not see how my life with her can continue, I don't know if there was any physical contact between them but they sure did have an emotional relationship. I am so tore up right now I feel like I have the flu, cannot even think straight. I know I am not going to talk with her for awhile, long while so the healing process has started right now! I guess the only thing that is screwing up my head is if me snooping her email, myspace, facebook was the RIGHT thing to do, what does every one think???

[Owl]

Snooping was the right thing to do.

 

Now you know the TRUTH of what's been going on, and you can address it directly, instead of flailing around in the dark trying to GUESS what you should do.

 

Sure, she's upset that you snooped. Trust me, while she's going to try to blame you for all of this, at the end of the day, she's got no leg to stand on here. You snooped because she gave you reason to. And...you found what she was lying to you about. She's angry because you "violated her privacy"...that's malarky...she's angry because she's busted, and that's IT.

 

You did nothing wrong by snooping here.

 

Snooping doesn't lead to divorce....not in this kind of situation.

 

What it leads to is actually getting all of this out in the open so you can address it.

 

You can either try to work on the marriage, or you can file for divorce...the choice is yours, and either is a viable option at this point.

 

Don't let her sit there and blow smoke about this being all YOUR fault. Don't accept that crap. Don't accept blame for having to get the truth by looking at her emails either...simply IGNORE any comments she says along these lines, and focus on the REAL issue here.

 

She cheated on you.

 

So what do you want to do from here? There's no rush to take any action, unless she's doing something that you need to counter. Your first step...decide if you want to try to reconcile, or divorce.

 

Once you've decided that...your actions plans build themselves out accordingly.

[wowIlose]

What you should logically start doing is detaching your emotions in any possible way. Figure out what needs to be done to separate (bank accounts, housing etc...).

 

Yes, you can try to save this (might want to depending on kids, if you got any.) but keep in mind that you will never fully trust her again. You will always have your doubts, and for good reason.

 

Men tend to cheat on a physical level and women tend to cheat on an emotional level. It doesn't matter if she wasn't physically with this person, the intent was there.

 

I am also willing to bet she did because the relationship got stale and boring. The fact you were having sex less than once a month should be a red flag in any relationship. Still, this is no excuse for her to go have an online affair, but certainly you two should have talked about your needs and wants before it got this far.

 

I honestly don't see how you can ever fully trust her again unless she turns around and begs for forgiveness and sits you down to tell you why this happened and has been trying for months to tell you shes been unhappy but based on her response she seems to have no remorse for her actions.

 

Don't let her turn this around on you and let her counter this situation with the whole "he spied on me" argument. Clearly it was warranted.

 

This women has disrespected you. What are you going to do about it?

[mendsley]

Thanks so much for your time, well she called first thing this morning and she said she was sorry for what happened. She said it creeps her to think that I was snooping her emails and stuff but she did say sorry. I asked her what she thinks we should do now and she said "I dunno". It is amazing how the human brain has two opposite reactions to what one should do during an event like this. I do aggree there will be a trust issue every time she goes any where, and I don't know if I want to live like that. I just don't know what to do, it seems so cut and dry on what I should do but there is something that is saying that this relationship could be better now if we both work hard on our problems. I asked her what we are doing, why are we seperated, and all she could say is that I need to worry about my issues and better them personally. I see it as we make up a whole and together we need to work on figuring out if D or reconcile is what we want. All I do is sit around and wait trying to see if she wants to work things out or move on and she does not even think about it, she gives me no emotional satisfaction at all right now. I guess I need to get a way for quite a while and not talk to know one and see where that takes me. We do have 3 children together, 1 between us and 2 from others. Its hard to call them because she picks up and I feel obligated to talk to her. Thanks again for every one talking with me, you all are very special to give up your valuable time to a complete stranger, so thanks!!

[Konfuzion]

I just don't know what to do, it seems so cut and dry on what I should do but there is something that is saying that this relationship could be better now if we both work hard on our problems.

 

Well my friend sometimes an affair coming to the surface is enough to wake both parties in a marriage up, so that you can work on each other and have a better relationship together. It sucks, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Make the most of what you have.

[Owl]

AT this point...if she's still not "getting it"...I'd suggest that YOU be the one to "pull away".

 

Stop calling her. Stop taking her calls for a while. Don't respond right away to her attempts to contact you.

 

Let her feel that "space" build between you.

 

My money says that it will prompt her to start trying to reconcile with you, instead of the other way around.

 

And if it doesn't...it DOES prepare you for dealing with "moving on" if that becomes a reality.

[wowIlose]

To be honest it just doesn't seem like shes into it. From what I am getting here shes not taking any responsibility for why things have gotten here and thats a recipe for failure. The "fixing" process has to be mutual.

 

I don't think anyone expects this to be so cut and dry with no emotions involved. Its going to be hard, but ask yourself if you can see yourself happy years from now with this person, can you see yourself trusting her again, can you see both of you changing and working together to fix your marriage? Can you see HER putting in the work? Can you see YOURSELF putting in the work?

 

Either way, its not going to be easy.. both paths will have major obstacles and will drain you emotionally, but as long as one or the other works you'll be happier in the end, now you have to decide which path is for you.

 

Good luck.

[wowIlose]

I also agree with Owl. Whichever way you decide to go, start pulling away and distancing yourself. Give her space, and give yourself space. Don't blame yourself, don't tell her you love her, don't take her out for dinner or do anything special out of the blue. It will come across needy and desperate.

 

By pulling away it shows you respect yourself, in turn she will respect you more and you may find that all of a sudden she wants to fix things. If you are to ever trust her again she has to be the one to work for that trust.

[mendsley]

This might be a crazy question but what does finding yourself really mean? Everyone tells me this and I respond by saying your right, but in the end I really don't know what that means and where to begin?

[carhill]

Knowing yourself, your psychology, your emotions, your desires, your fears absent the interaction with other human beings. Clarity of who you are as a singular being.

 

Well, that's my definition anyway

[TrustInYourself]

This might be a crazy question but what does finding yourself really mean? Everyone tells me this and I respond by saying your right, but in the end I really don't know what that means and where to begin?

 

Well, for instance, what would you do if you were alone for every night in the next 6 months and after that period you would die instantly and painfully.

 

What is most important to your identity? How do you define yourself? What makes you who you are? What activities and behaviors define what you like to do?

 

Finally, why are you going to survive? What makes life worth living? Why is your life important?

 

Typically, you'll come up with some reason like kids or w/e, which is cool. But there are other nuances to you, other than being a father and husband. Some people can't get past the pride, hurt, anger, resentment, sadness, self-victimization to realize they are more than the sum of thier marriage. The person who left, did us all a favor. Why bother with someone who lied, cheated, gave up and did not even give a damn about how we felt. That's why I say, "Thank you very much!". Why cry over someone that doesn't care about you? Why be angry over something out of your control. That's like being angry about the sun coming up. Let it go.

[wowIlose]

I think its normal to feel angry. Its normal to feel sad. After all, the person you thought was your closest ally just betrayed you.

 

Let the anger out, work out the sadness. Refuse to be a victim though. Don't let yourself get dragged down by this. If your best friend slept with your wife or stole from you would you try working things out? Would you keep them in your social circle and buy them a gift? Of course you wouldn't.

 

I definitely think anger and sadness are completely normal in a situation like this. It's not about that though. Its how you deal with the situation that matters.

 

The only person you can truly count on in this life is yourself. You have the ability to make yourself a happy person and really don't need a backstabbing wife... don't let "love" blind you.

 

 

[Owl]

Pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. Another useful book might be "Not Just Friends".

 

The first one can help you quite a bit in working through all of this. The second might help both you and your wife work through the aspects of her emotional affair.

[ilmw]

Well, for instance, what would you do if you were alone for every night in the next 6 months and after that period you would die instantly and painfully.

 

What is most important to your identity? How do you define yourself? What makes you who you are? What activities and behaviors define what you like to do?

 

Finally, why are you going to survive? What makes life worth living? Why is your life important?

 

Typically, you'll come up with some reason like kids or w/e, which is cool. But there are other nuances to you, other than being a father and husband. Some people can't get past the pride, hurt, anger, resentment, sadness, self-victimization to realize they are more than the sum of thier marriage. The person who left, did us all a favor. Why bother with someone who lied, cheated, gave up and did not even give a damn about how we felt. That's why I say, "Thank you very much!". Why cry over someone that doesn't care about you? Why be angry over something out of your control. That's like being angry about the sun coming up. Let it go.

 

Excellent! Could not have put it any better

[sumdude]

You can't deny your emotions, you sure shouldn't bury them. They'll just sit under the surface like land mines from an old battle just waiting for you or some other unsuspecting innocent to step on them.

 

What you do have to do is go through them, at least try to understand why they're there.

 

What is anger really? A response to a real or perceived threat (fear) or injury (pain). When an animal snarls and bares it's teeth exhibiting what we see as as anger it's for those reasons. We're a heck of a lot more complicated but we do have a part of that within us.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm not saying anger is wrong or unnatural. I'm saying do not let it affect your behavior to a point where it's detrimental to your own well being.

 

I'd say the less you dwell on the negative and the quicker you "try" to focus on the positive, the better. For each individual this is different.

 

Definitely don't ignore your hurt, pain, anger, sadness. Just don't let it define you.

[mendsley]

Well quick little update, we are getting a divorce! I said I can find it in my heart to forgive her but she said she could not forgive me for the mistakes I made. The mistakes were no communication, mean to the step kids, and checkin out porn. Well those were mistakes but they were not an affair, I feel she is un reasonable and irrational. She said she is going down to file and she told me to never contact her again. Well we have 1 child between us so that will be difficult, but I will figure out away to contact him. What do I do know? I feel so alone, empty, stupid, I just want to leave everything I have and run from all this. Wow this is the part of life that is not fun!!

[imagine]

Pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. Another useful book might be "Not Just Friends".

 

The first one can help you quite a bit in working through all of this. The second might help both you and your wife work through the aspects of her emotional affair.

 

Please, please listen to this man!

[carhill]

She said she is going down to file and she told me to never contact her again. Well we have 1 child between us so that will be difficult, but I will figure out away to contact him. What do I do know? I feel so alone, empty, stupid, I just want to leave everything I have and run from all this. Wow this is the part of life that is not fun!

 

Really sorry to hear that

 

While you're getting a consult with an attorney, read those books mentioned here. Remember what I said about tomorrow being different. Nothing is at it seems and things can change in an instant. The constant is you. Be sure of you. Work on you. Know that your wants and needs are not unreasonable.

 

We'll be around for support

[TrustInYourself]

Well quick little update, we are getting a divorce! I said I can find it in my heart to forgive her but she said she could not forgive me for the mistakes I made. The mistakes were no communication, mean to the step kids, and checkin out porn. Well those were mistakes but they were not an affair, I feel she is un reasonable and irrational. She said she is going down to file and she told me to never contact her again. Well we have 1 child between us so that will be difficult, but I will figure out away to contact him. What do I do know? I feel so alone, empty, stupid, I just want to leave everything I have and run from all this. Wow this is the part of life that is not fun!!

 

If that's what you want, go for it. I think your emotions are getting the best of you though atm.

[Owl]

Realize that NOTHING is written in stone here yet.

 

Her choices can always be modified or undone.

 

The same with yours.

 

No one has done anything that has changed the course of human history.

 

This is a marathon...this is not a sprint to the finish.

 

Slow down. One day at a time. Learn about the situation, study ways that you can work it to resolution. Take your time to decide what you want as an outcome here. Develop a gameplan that leads to that outcome. THEN implement your gameplan and work it to its conclusion.

 

Just because SHE says its over doesn't make it that way just yet. There's still a lot to unfold before that becomes an irrevocable decision.

[mendsley]

What amazes me about this site is how correct most of your are. We had some really awful words, I called her a BIT$H, she said she hated me, never wanted to speak to me again and said never to contact her again. Well I was pissed watching t.v. wondering why divorce is my new outcome in life and all of a sudden I get a text from her appologizing for everything that has went down. I told her if she needed to follow thru with divorce than I will support her, but I said no contact would the best so we can actually think and let the tension subside. It meant alot to me that she contacted me to appologize, she is NOT like that she is the one to prove a point and act like she does not give a rats ass, so I felt she really thought about it. She told me yesterday while we were fighting that the things I have done, internet porn, treated the step kids bad, no communication, and boring will be hard to forget. Well I told her that those things can be fixed cause I am willing and want to change ME, but an affair is something that is very bad. So I am not contacting her until???????? I am not sure how long to wait or wait til she contacts me, i just don't know. All I know is I have forgivin' her for her online affair and am willing to work on the marriage, so I guess I should not contact her until SHE is ready to work on the relationship....what do you guys think?