Well found out she had an online affair...

[carhill]

I should not contact her until SHE is ready to work on the relationship....what do you guys think?

 

Perhaps I'm in the minority but my opinion is you should remain in consistent contact with your child(ren) and insist that you will only communicate with her in MC and that is what you want (joint marital counseling). Be firm and consistent. No waffling. As I mentioned before, in the meantime, read the books and get a lawyer's opinion on your circumstances.

[Owl]

I think that you should absolutely remain in constant contact with your children. No question.

 

I also agree that you need to get in touch with a lawyer to work out all the legal options and possibilities here.

 

But, when it comes to communicating with your wife, set some boundaries.

 

I think you should continue all the POSITIVE communications you can. Its part of "plan A" in "Surviving an Affair" that I've suggested.

 

And you very probably need to work on how to respond to her negative comments POSITIVELY.

 

But...do NOT be a doormat.

 

Read those last two comments again.

 

When she says something that hurts...pause for a minute, and THINK about what she said. Think about what's behind it...and process it before you respond. Act...don't react.

 

If she says something that is hurtful...but true...and not intended as an insult or as a distraction from the real issue...then respond positively. "I'm thinking about what you're saying, and you're right. I do need to change how I interact with the kids".

 

Don't REACT with "I'm tired of you blaming me for YOUR affair!!!!"

 

And...here's a nice tactic for defusing an escalating argument. Trust me...this works WONDERS.

 

The louder and angrier she gets...the quieter and calmer you get. Think about it. She screams out a loud tirade until she runs out of breath...you just sit there quietly, listen, and let her go on. When she's finished...pause...think...and then respond very quietly and calmly. Start by repeating the highlights of what she said (paraphrase to a less combative view when needed), and calmly and quietly give her your response.

 

It defuses her. Its HARD to keep screaming and yelling when the other guy won't fight with you. Its really tough to keep a fight going when the other person has lowered their voice to where you have to strain to hear what they're saying back to you.

 

You'll be amazed at how often this tactic will shut a fight down before it gets going.

 

BUT...if it does get going, here's another gem. Have a BOUNDARY line.

 

You: "Honey, I've tried talking with you calmly about this, but I'm not going to sit here and get beat down by you. If you can't talk calmly about this, I think we need to end the conversation until you've calmed down."

 

Her: "I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, I'M GOING TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL YADA YADA YADA YADA...!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

You: "Click" (as the phone hangs up).

 

Don't take her calls for a couple of hours, or until the next day. Shut the phone off, go for a walk, do push ups...do something to work the stress out. Get yourself calmed down after that horrid discussion.

 

And the next time you talk to her, act like there was never an explosion between you. Start out calm, quiet, and in control.

 

Set a clear boundary about how far you're willing to let a conversation get out of hand.

 

This keeps your conversations with her POSITIVE. And believe it or not...this won't destroy her love for you...it builds RESPECT. And a woman typically doesn't not love a man she can't respect in some fashion.

 

When you enforce these boundaries, and set clear control on YOUR responses...you're doing nothing but good.

 

And when the conversation turns good...keep it going good.

[signedin2008]

These emails have stopped about 2 months ago !!

 

 

Are you in denial?

 

The emails stopped because they did their deeds. Met and slept together. It's either 1)they are still doing it or 2) after they slept together, one or both of them got borred and moved on.

 

Unless this guy is from another country, chances are they have met and slept together.