Gentlemen: How ought she treat you if she just wants to be pals but you want more?

[moimeme]

I know that nobody can speak for 'all men', but some different perspectives from some of the men here would be very helpful.

 

Hypothetical situation: There's a woman you think is great. You are very interested in her as a potential partner. She, however, is not interested in you that way and will never be but she'd like to be pals. She definitely does not want to in any way raise your hopes - she doesn't like hurting people.

 

So how ought she treat you? Should she be friendly but in a detached way? Should she brush you off? Any other ideas?

[Curt]

Only solution for the guy in this case is to stop seeing you as a friend.

 

The whole thing would be based on a continued false hope inducing situation in either case.

 

The guy should say goodbye proper. So, IMHO, the question is null and void. He has to have control of the situation and leave, as HE is the one with romantic feelings that will not just up and disappear because she wants to change the dynamics of the relationship to one of the "friends mode."

 

Curt

[moimeme]

Thanks, Curt. Maybe I should clarify more. This is a relationship that is really more pals than friends. They meet at club functions but not outside of that. Since they belong to the same club, they will continue to encounter each other.

[d.stevens]

Curt I was going to say that your answer applies only if they were friends and know each other well to begin with.

 

Funny, I've run across this as I'm sure any guy thats prospecting has.

 

First off I'd prefer if the girl was clear with her intentions and didn't fluff anything up giving mixed signals. I personally prefer it straight up, save us the time, energy and perhaps even some embarrassment. (but that's just me)

 

I'll tell you what I've come across with when it comes to the more insecure type (even some that I had no intention of getting to know lol You only have to look their way lol), They're usually pretty quick to slip something into a conversation that makes it obvious...they'll usually start a sentace off with "my boyfriend this or my fiance that" to get rid of ya...even if they're not of interest to you. Pretty cheap way to go.

 

The real tricky one is the secure chick that doesn't get the picture that your even interested in her. We even worked out together for a month before I found out she was married. She's just not that self centered. I later met her husband and found them to be great people, very relaxed. WEre all good friends today.

 

But to specifically answer you question, she should just be herself, if he's made it obvious that thats his intention, she should first convey clearly that she's not interested (the stand up thing to do, would be to tell him straight up that she's not interested in any relationships) If he's aware of this already but is still persitent, then yes do the cold but friendly route and hopefully it doesn't develope into him singing a song with his gaitar on your front lawn and the police being called.lol (I read about this acutally happening in the paper lol)

 

I'd personally appreciate the honestly. It saves a whole lot of trouble for both people. Letting time pass and having things falsely build up only makes for a bigger fall.

[moimeme]

Hm. It seems that nobody's hearing the 'not interested in relationships' line. Is it necessary to repeat it often? Usually I do keep my distance. In one case, the fellow lives in my neighbourhood and has no car so I offer him rides home which generally involve some tiime where he's telling me how great I am and why. The other guy will sit with me at a dance - uninvited. I'm usually sitting with a group so it's not as if we can all get up and leave that spot. I chat with him a bit but I chat with other people around me more.

 

I'm being less friendly with these two guys than I am with other people but it's not working. They're not dummies; both very smart men - but even smart men can be oblivious to 'I'm not interested' signals.

 

I don't mind giving the one guy rides but, while it's nice to be praised, I'd really rather he not. Both of them are interesting to talk to but do I have to quit talking to them altogether? It's hard enough to find people who can carry out an intelligent conversation that it would be a drag to have to quit even talking to them. I don't flirt at all when I chat with them, I just converse the way I do with women, strangers, etc. but still they're interested. We're talking about politics and stuff, for heaven's sakes!

 

Thanks for your thoughts so far. Actually, maybe some ladies who have handled this sort of situation successfully could weigh in, too.

[Curt]

Problem is that, even though you're getting that "intelligent conversation," his initial attraction to you hasn't diminished, and therefore, he is still holding out the candle that you WILL see him for the great guy he is/isn't, and give him that ellusive chance.

 

Therefore, you're winning, and he's losing...

[moimeme]

Argh! And I suppose if I pretend I'm a b**** around them so they'll quit thinking I'm so nice, they'll quit talking to me anyway. Man, this stinks

[2SidestoStories]

Yes, yes, by now we all know I'm not a guy. BUT, I feel very strongly that I could offer a teensy bit of insight for you moimeme:

 

If you're honest, there is little else you can do. People's feelings do not come and go just by flipping switches. Some have better control than others. There is absolutely NO reason for you to stop being yourself, i.e. giving rides to the one fellow, or chatting with the other. However, I will add that if this makes you uncomfortable, you ought to let these guys know that, too. There's a difference between being nice and being deceitful for the sake of someone else's feelings.

 

Trust me. I am currently dealing with the repercussions of "sparing" my ex-hubby's feelings, and there was little else I could have done that would have been more destructive than to hide things that I thought were trivial from him "For his sake." Granted, there are other difficulties that have resulted in the end of the marriage, but that is something that I have learned that I do that is a big no-no.

 

But back to you: If these gents are capable of being your friends, then they will accept your "I am not interested" comments and go on with their lives. It sounds like you're going to have to draw the line, though. For your sake AND theirs. And no, you don't have to be a b****; just be honest. (Besides, if they interpret your honesty as b****iness, then what's the point of having them around as friends?)