I had to push her away forever...

[TeaAbraham]

I can't believe the progress I'm making. Today is the first day that I didn't spend hours thinking about her. In fact, this whole breakup crap seems so distant, as if it happened ages ago.

 

Today she's been a total stranger in my mind, someone I don't know anymore. Anything she does, with whom she does it and whatever... it just seems so irrelevant, like it's some random stranger I'm thinking about.

 

I'm really happy I've spent maybe only 1 hour thinking about her and her new boyfriend, instead of 12 hours like the previous days.

 

NC really does work, if it hadn't been for that, I don't think I would ever be able to move on.

She matters so little right now, I even feel a bit guilty about it, lol. That's a good sign anyway. Her presence is totally dissolving in my life.

 

That's great! NC is truly working for you. I wonder what possible things might make you feel worse after feeling this good? What could happen that would make you take a step back? I am just asking so you can do whatever you can to prevent such things from happening.

 

I've also been feeling oddly well. For some reason no matter how good I'm feeling any given day I still come onto LS, haha. LS has been so hugely important. I can't imagine where I would be now if there wasn't everybody on LS to share stories with and to receive advice from. It's so important knowing that there are others out there going through the same thing and working through it one step at a time. Otherwise all I would have is my own head, saturated with intense emotion, and advice from other's who aren't going through what I am. It's easier for me to take advice from other's who are in the same boat as I.

 

It's great because hearing about other's predicaments and giving advice to them really helps you realize what you need to do in your own situation. Sometimes advice you give isn't what you yourself are doing, so it helps you take a step back and say, hey, I am recommending this other person do such and such in their situation, yet I am doing the exact opposite! After a while and much advice and counseling finally you start doing what you need to do. Anyway, Kudos and Thanks to every body.

 

I hope this good feeling doesn't go away. I know I would definitely feel worse if I had to walk by my ex's place like you did Emperor. I would definitely feel worse if I saw him or her. I need to do everything I can to prevent that! fdAlthough I know one of these days some ungodly luck is going to fall upon me and I will see them where I least expect it. I am really scared of this. I think I would be less affected by this now, but just having the reminder would put me back a bit. They better not come to MY coffee shop. Oh, they had better not.

 

I actually walked through an area of town that I haven't since going NC. It is downtown and near where she works. I couldn't walk right by where she works, but I got pretty damn close, and it didn't phaze me in the least. I definitely avoided looking where I knew she parks her bike for work though. Seeing that bike just reminds me of so much. I feel fine, but for some reason just the slightest reminder of their existence throws me back.

 

On my walk I noticed there are so many beautiful woman. Perhaps I was thinking a bit too much about all of the beautiful women, but it was a nice sensation. Before I wouldn't even care, I was too heart broken.

 

At any rate, cheers to feeling well.

I pray your beast is slain and not merely in slumber.

[Peter_pan]

hmm well ive been no contact for coming up to at least 8 months nc from her for nearly 10months.

 

unless you count the time she met my bm and asked about me etc...

 

well i still think about her and she was my first true love etc i was 17 when we went out up untill i was 20. we lived together and couldnt hack it to be honest. it just didnt work when we were that young.

 

i dont know what to think of it all now. it seems like a blur, and its hard to except the present.

 

i never wanted it to be "this way" between us. she used to say, its not you its me, ive changed things change people change, move on, dont wait for me, get another gf !

 

yep then when i was on holiday she finally told me about him but "it was nothing serious" ...

 

there still together now

[Surfer Dude]

Thanks for your words of encouragement Tea.

 

That's great! NC is truly working for you. I wonder what possible things might make you feel worse after feeling this good? What could happen that would make you take a step back? I am just asking so you can do whatever you can to prevent such things from happening.

 

Avoid pictures, chat logs and old emails like plague. They will set you back for days, if not weeks. I suggest you dump them on some HDD or DVD, put it in the closet and don't bother to ever look at them. In fact, someday when you feel ready, you can throw them away forever. Making gradual changes is much easier. Also, all the gifts she ever gave you, put them in a box and seal it, throw it away in a well, trash container or whatever, just don't keep them in your house. It's funny, but material objects have an uncanny way of keeping someone's presence alive.

 

And don't ever look at her myspace, facebook or anything like that. You will probably see pics of her boyfriends there. That happened to me and it was pure horror. I learned my lesson.

 

When there's nothing to remind you of someone, their presence dissolves. Our minds have a funny way of being unable to keep thoughts about something that has no presence in our realities. That's how NC works anyway, by removing someone's presence from our lives, our minds release thoughts of them. That's how people get over deaths in families and terrible divorces.

 

I still get angry at times, but that's way better than feeling grief and sorrow (which by the way inflict physical pain). In fact, it sometimes feels so good to be a little angry, I just know I'm really over her, that I don't miss her, I don't pine over her. Feeling contempt feels damn good.

 

And LS played a huge role in my recovery. I don't know what I would've done without you guys. Just by seeing so many people in the same boat as myself, I knew that I'm not alone. By giving and receiving advice here I learned so much about myself and other people. Things that I learned on this forum are extremely useful, it would take me 50 years to gather the same amount of knowledge by myself through trial and error.

 

Of course, I'll keep frequenting this forum. We can all learn so much from each others.

[Surfer Dude]

hmm well ive been no contact for coming up to at least 8 months nc from her for nearly 10months.

 

unless you count the time she met my bm and asked about me etc...

 

well i still think about her and she was my first true love etc i was 17 when we went out up untill i was 20. we lived together and couldnt hack it to be honest. it just didnt work when we were that young.

 

i dont know what to think of it all now. it seems like a blur, and its hard to except the present.

 

i never wanted it to be "this way" between us. she used to say, its not you its me, ive changed things change people change, move on, dont wait for me, get another gf !

 

yep then when i was on holiday she finally told me about him but "it was nothing serious" ...

 

there still together now

 

You have to stop keeping it alive. She doesn't even exist in your reality anymore. She hasn't talked to you in 8 months, you can't really blame this whole grief thing on her.

 

Peter, it's all in your head. Just stop focusing on her. She is not the only woman on the planet, there are millions of great women out there. Why would you want to be with her after she dumped you and left for someone else?

 

No matter how broken I was, I knew I didn't want to spend my life with a grade A douche like my ex, who is unable to form emotional bonds with people around her and who uses people for her own benefit and ego boosts. What kind of mother will she be someday? Do I really want to spend my life with an emotionally dysfunctional person?

 

You have to ask yourself these questions.

[EmperorR]

Without loveshack I was clingy needy pathetic begging her to come back etc., but all the advice has been great. I wish I found this forum earlier.

 

I won't lie I still miss my ex sometimes, but every day less and less,she is someone elses problem now. She was cranky and a bitch for years but I just let it be of of love. Now I'm smarter and stronger. I guess the sad part is did I really love my ex or did I love having a beautiful girlfriend who was extremely smart top 5 in her program at university. And I guess those are the dumb thoughts inky head that I'll never get Anyone who looks that great, or is that smart again. Which is laughable as I he better looking women beofre, and even seeing her picture now is like eww at this cheating whore.

[Surfer Dude]

I'm so tired of feeling hate and contempt. I wrote so many fake emails to her here on LS (in "post here instead of contacting...."), said so many times that I despised her. But I feel so exhausted and so drained by these feelings. Even today, I was feeling extreme hate and smashed my fist into my closet, almost breaking it... I can't keep going like this. I don't miss her, I don't love her, I don't care about her, but I just can't feel this hate anymore, it's consuming me.

 

I figured out that the only way to get closure is to tell her that I forgive her. I don't know if this works for other people or not, but forgiveness always heals me, no matter who wronged whom.

 

I wrote her an email:

 

i forgive you... i forgive both of us for the choices we made.

i don't wanna hold grudge and hate inside my heart anymore, it's tiresome. it felt so heavy to feel hate and anger.

i know you don't care about this, but i had to let you know i don't hate you anymore.

i just guess our lives run two different ways, and that's really ok. we enriched each others lives for a period of time and that's nice. maybe we'll be able to be good friends in some other lifetime

 

i know you won't reply to this, i just wanted to get this heavy thing off my heart. i'm doing this for myself, but if you appreciate it, it's cool.

 

goodbye

Knowing her, I guess she is going to show this to her boyfriend(s), laugh and make fun of me. But like I said, I'm doing this for myself. I don't care what she thinks of me. Her opinion doesn't matter. I just wanted to ease my pain and remove this f*cking hate from my heart.

 

And if it heals her too, it's nice. But I doubt she will appreciate this. She'll probably think it's yet another of my comebacks and pathethic attempts for friendship. It doesn't matter. This helped me tremendously. I feel so much better, I can finally breathe normally, I can put this ugly thing behind me and leap into the future.

[Surfer Dude]

I thought I would regret sending this, but damn it feels good. So much better than when I insulted her 2 weeks ago.

 

I've never wanted to be the person to hate someone or have the last word in a terrible argument, that's just not me. Of course I'm not going to be her friend, ever talk to her or anything, but this really made me feel good and I also ensured that if she wants to be angry, it's anger on her part considering I've let my anger go.

 

I could never take friendship with her because she would be humiliating me and trying to use me as her doormat, but just knowing that I don't have to be angry anymore (and neither does she, if she's smart) feels awesome.

[TeaAbraham]

I am pleased that you are content with your decision. Punching closets is probably not a good sign, haha. I made two huge holes in my wall out of frustration, but that was right after she told me everything. I had no idea you were really feeling that upset with her. I hope you really meant what you wrote in that email. Forgiveness is pretty hefty business especially granted what she's done to ya.

 

I personally feel like forgiveness would be too forced on my part at this time. Perhaps one day when I genuinely feel such things I shall pass it on to her, but by then I don't think there will be any point.

[Surfer Dude]

This is working great. I haven't felt so good since the time our relationship still lasted. Man, I finally let go... I can't even begin to tell you how good this feels. There is tons of advice out there on how to deal with breakup, some of them are total crap, some of them are gold, but I was surprised nobody ever mentioned that accepting what happened to you and forgiving your ex partner for wrongdoings is such a great way of dealing with this.

 

I know she is selfish and everything, but deep down in her heart, there is so much good and love, she just doesn't know it, thanks to her stupid mother and her dumb trashy friends. She is a good person. She just forgot that fact.

 

This doesn't mean I want to be friends with her. I do not want to take her abuse anymore. She needs to learn many lessons before we can even begin talking to each other. Maybe not in this lifetime.

 

All the therapists should really give out this forgiveness advice to people, rather than telling them stupid things like "eat icecream, hang out with your friends and you'll feel better".

 

NC is gold, but it doesn't help much if you're still hating and obsessing over that person. It could be years before you stop dwelling on your ex unless you forgive them and let them go inside your mind, just because they aren't present doesn't mean they are gone from your life.

 

It's all in the head (and heart). We can choose to be bigger people and forgive those who hurt us. Everything finally feels right.

 

3 months since breakup, 15 days NC. I'm done coping, it's all over

[Peter_pan]

that sounds awesome tbh.

 

i am thinking of forgiving to. do you feel though if you hadnt had a go at her and sent that nice email that you would always have wanted to send the hate email?

[Surfer Dude]

that sounds awesome tbh.

 

i am thinking of forgiving to. do you feel though if you hadnt had a go at her and sent that nice email that you would always have wanted to send the hate email?

 

Desire to send hate mail persists as long as your anger and hate last. Hurt ego is a major factor here. Once you say to yourself (and possibly the other person) "hey I forgive you, i don't take anything against you anymore" its becomes so easy to stop feeling anger. It's unbelievable but it really works for me. The grudge just disappears once you say those magic words.

 

This doesn't mean you suddenly have to be happy about what she's done to you, it just means you are willingly letting go of the anger caused by those actions and that you understand that you were not dealing with a bad person (or vermin, scumbags or whatever we called them) but rather with a person who isn't spiritually and emotionally very developed.

 

But no matter how much I forgive her, I still can't see myself being friends with her. It would hurt me too much and fuel anger once again. Pure self preservation. It's best like this, for both of us.

 

And if you don't believe me forgiveness works, ask Sysyphus, he's been feeling great since he got closure and forgave his ex.

[EmperorR]

Eh when I was begging and pleading for her to stay I already told her I forgave her. No need in letting her know again I never said anything hurtful like whore or whatever

[ahhhchooo]

Eh when I was begging and pleading for her to stay I already told her I forgave her. No need in letting her know again I never said anything hurtful like whore or whatever

Same here, I forgave her immediately.. I never threw a bad word at her or tried to make her feel bad. I sat there and listened to her talk about her new man (who laughingly, she despises now, but is stuck with). I listened to intimate details of how she f**ked him and became pregnant...

 

For what? Was there ever a chance that any of this was going to make me feel better? Did it help me chances of a reconciliation? No. If I had the time over, I would've gone NC from the moment she made me realise she didn't think I was worth the time of day. Because from that moment onward, she wasn't either.

[Surfer Dude]

Same here, I forgave her immediately.. I never threw a bad word at her or tried to make her feel bad. I sat there and listened to her talk about her new man (who laughingly, she despises now, but is stuck with). I listened to intimate details of how she f**ked him and became pregnant...

 

For what? Was there ever a chance that any of this was going to make me feel better? Did it help me chances of a reconciliation? No. If I had the time over, I would've gone NC from the moment she made me realise she didn't think I was worth the time of day. Because from that moment onward, she wasn't either.

 

I'm all for NC, I also wish I had started doing it immediately after breakup. This forgiveness thing was really something to make myself feel better. I'm not good at holding grudges, that's not who I am. I really couldn't care less what she thinks, but just letting her know that I'm over everything that happened was extremely important in my healing process. Besides that, NC all the way.

[EmperorR]

Same here, I forgave her immediately.. I never threw a bad word at her or tried to make her feel bad. I sat there and listened to her talk about her new man (who laughingly, she despises now, but is stuck with). I listened to intimate details of how she f**ked him and became pregnant...

 

For what? Was there ever a chance that any of this was going to make me feel better? Did it help me chances of a reconciliation? No. If I had the time over, I would've gone NC from the moment she made me realise she didn't think I was worth the time of day. Because from that moment onward, she wasn't either.

 

wow pregnant damn, I did the same as you was cheated on lied to, and I sitll met my ex and didn't mention anything, and she even gave me a kiss when I was leaving. And then 5 minutes later on my way home she calls me, telling me how the guy she cheate on me is texting her and that the sex was so good, i felt disgusted. But I said nothing, the only "mean" thing you can say I did was just go NC without telling her lol

[elaina]

I'm all for NC, I also wish I had started doing it immediately after breakup. This forgiveness thing was really something to make myself feel better. I'm not good at holding grudges, that's not who I am. I really couldn't care less what she thinks, but just letting her know that I'm over everything that happened was extremely important in my healing process. Besides that, NC all the way.

 

I'm so glad that you forgave her. It is hard to do, I know. I have a similiar situation that confused me a lot, though now that I've read ya'lls posts I am beginning to understand a little bit better...

 

My ex would contact me when his relationship with the woman he now loves was having problems. When they were fine again, he wouldn't contact me, so I was basically his friend for when he was feeling alone and sad. It hurt a lot because I love him and he knows that. He also knows that I have hurt him in the past and I am sorry... I asked him for forgiveness 2 years ago and he says he forgives me. I think he truly did forgive me, but then I don't know if he understands how much it hurts to hear how he loves another woman.

 

The last time I saw him, he showed me a photo album of him and the woman he loves... oh man I died that day... I was happy for him in that he was happy, yet of course I wish that he and I were still together. It's so not cool seeing someone you love with someone else!

 

I tried to be friends with him because I do care for him, but yeah it hurts, and yeah, it keeps me from moving on, because every time I hear his voice, I have a twinge of hope that the man I love will someday love me again. It seems though that he is no longer that person who used to love me. And I don't get it...

 

He also confused me, because there was a time not too long ago he was calling and texting me on a continual basis. Once during a phone call he asked me if I love him. I said yes you know that. I asked him if he loved me and he said he doesn't think he's stopped loving me, or something he wasn't very clear about it. I felt so stupid though cause later on another day, I told him that I loved him twice... he just kept talking about other stuff. When I asked him if he heard me he said yes, but he didn't say that he loved me back and then his contacting me stopped. Later on a friend of both of ours told me that his exfiance (who he was going to marry after we had divorced but who for some reason broke off the engagement) had contacted him. I know he still loves her and if they get back together, it definitely would hurt yes but I do want him to be happy.

 

It seemed for a time that he was thinking about getting back together with me, but I knew it definitely would not work if he was still in love with this other girl, and I told him that I am afraid if she came back, that he would choose her over me. I do not want to be a rebound, even though I am his exwife!

 

Now I feel so stupid cause I've been contacting him... I sent him a Happy Thanksgiving email to which he responded very nicely, but now I'm just a friend again I suppose. I am not sure what to do or if he will ever contact me again. I suppose IF he does contact me, I will politely ask him not to unless he seriously wants to get back together, because it hurts me too much just being a friend... he was my first love.

 

Thanks for your posts, cause it helps me see that I should take care that he doesn't hurt me anymore, even though I know he doesn't mean to hurt me. I don't know why those girls are treating ya'll like that... it's really sad and I hope someday they wisen up and grow up to be ladies who know the value of love and appreciate and return it.

 

Peace and God bless.

[Peter_pan]

god i just found out my ex is coming to my small town for "ex" mass (lol)

 

 

what the hell would i do if i a) see her b) speak with her and have no chance to avoid it

 

great.

[Surfer Dude]

god i just found out my ex is coming to my small town for "ex" mass (lol)

 

 

what the hell would i do if i a) see her b) speak with her and have no chance to avoid it

 

great.

 

If she doesn't see you, get out while you can.

If she notices you, just smile and leave as if you were in a hurry.

[Peter_pan]

even if im with mates and im out?