I don't want to be clingy or needy and let her think that she can just put me on hold

[TexasBoy]

Ok, so here is the situation. I have dated this girl for almost three years. I know that she is the one for me, and we have often talked about our futures together. She is extremely emotional though, with a history of depression. And I am the exact opposite, by being laid back and not letting many things affect me. So in the beginning, things were rough but we worked through them because of our feelings for each other. One of the things she has worked on is to not flip out about the small stuff (in our relationship and life in general) and to become more independent.

Now here is my problem. Just recently, she has told me that she "needs, not wants" a break to become more independent. I told her that we could work through it just like everything else, but she said that this is not a problem between us, but with her. And for her to do this she needs to be away from me since she always relies on me. She kept telling me she still loves me and always will, but that she thinks she needs to do this before we graduate college and go into the real world.

So my question is what am i suppose to do in the mean time? I'm not big on playing games waiting for her to call first, and i have no problems swallowing my pride, when I do something wrong. But i don't want to be clingy or needy and let her think that she can just put me on hold whenever she feels like it. So any advice whatsoever, from whoever, would be greatly appreciated.

[jenny]

now is the time for you to do all the things you may have wanted to do but have lost sight of -

 

*develop a skill at something that will help you in your job/life/or just for fun

 

*become really good at a sport

 

*devote time again to your buddies

 

*take a class just out of interest

 

*learn an instrument, presumably the guitar

 

*spend time with family, just getting to know them.

 

*travel! you can get across america and just learn about your country for not too much money if you're careful, have widespread relatives and friends, or don't mind hostels.

 

*write. you probably have a story or two you've always wanted to see on paper? i'm just guessing.

 

 

and, i hate to say this, but:

 

date other people.

 

waiting for someone is a very weak position to be in, and she will grow less attracted if you are not doing your own thing while she is doing hers.

 

xox j

[Yeti]

the worst thing to do is sit home and wait... just thinking... just reading that makes me feel depressed. this is just something that some people need before really getting serious. sometimes this can build a relationship like steel. this is the best time do start doing all those things that you haven't done in years, the things you've forgotten about, people you've forgotten. everyone knows how much time and dedication a relationship takes. it's even more difficult while juggling school and work along with it. so take this time to enjoy yourself. go to some clubs with friends, meet new people.

 

jenny is 100% right, DO NOT be afraid to experience other women during this time either. you need that interaction, even just the talking. think about this for a bit, and you might come to realize that you actually might need this a bit, too.

 

Good Luck...

- Yeti

[emo]

I don't know man...Dr Laura talks about the whole "Finding yourself" thing being a selfish, childish gesture. It's an excuse for not assuming resposibility for your own shortcomings.... I'd say that if she loves you, tell her to stay and work it out and face her fears....what's so scary that she needs to be without you? Why can't you guys be in a loving relationship and be independent too? Why does she feel that in order to do her own things and be indie, that she needs to stop seeing you? You guys don't live together, so what's the problem?

I feel for her on the depression stuff, that sucks. But

if you're a good man to her, i'd think that she needs

you more than ever.

Just my two cents.

[Clancy]

Like Dr.Laura, I don't believe in this ":I need a break" crap. People in relationships are supposed to have outside experiences and interests that are like breaks built into the relationship. Example: you're going steady but Tuesdays and Thursdays you go rock climbing with your buddies. People with healthy relationships don't need to break up, even for a while. Especially not these planned breaks as your girl wants.

 

My advice would be to just let her take her break but with the understanding that you are going off to finish the rest of your life without her. When she's ready she can call you but if you are not available at that time then she's just poop outta luck.

[jenny]

hmm.. ok.. i see both of these points.

 

my suggestions were only meant to apply if he thought it eventually would not work out - and perhaps i was a bit hasty. wow, is it ever refreshing to see guys wanting to work through tough emotional times! consider me humbled!

 

 

xox j

[TexasBoy]

hey thanks for the help everyone, i really appreciate it...

 

...i have one more question:

her birthday is coming up next week...and i'm not sure what to do (give her a gift versus not)? since she wants her "break" should i not give her one? but if i do give her one, i'm thinking it should be something more along the lines of a unique idea/gift than a regular one...any ideas or help would be great!