Living together broken up: How is it going to get better when she's with another guy?

[ididntdoit99]

okay, i've been datin this girl for 2 1/2 years, we live together in our own little apartment. from what i gather, i got a little to comfortable with our relationship and was really starting to take her for granted.

 

then she starts hanging out with this guy from work ALL the time. Then i find out from her "secret" online diary (that she had right in the my favorites list) that they both have strong feelings for eachother. so what do i do? i flip out and i break up with her.

 

okay, so now we are broken up, buuuut, we still live together, have sex, everything is the same pretty much, so i'm like this is stupid, lets be together. and she says she needs time apart to make our relationship better.

 

but i ask, how is our relationship gonna get better when we arent going out and she's with another guy all the time. and now we fight more than ever, because everytime i see her i think about her and this guy. If we were together, it wouldnt bother me so much because i would know that i'm the one she wants to be with.

 

so i ask what the hell am i gonna do? this is supposedley going to make our relationship better, but i dont see how thats gonna happen when we end up fighting every night.

 

that asswipe almost got me thrown in jail last night, he was talking to her on the computer while we were fighting and i was being a dick and i unplugged the computer and he thought i was beating her or something cuz her cell phone was on silent and he had no way of getting ahold of her. i went to the store and came back, just as two cops were tearing away from my apartment, if i woulda pulled into the driveway they woulda seen me, but i was a lil intoxicated and i knew i couldn't get my car infront of my nieghbors very well, so i parked across the street.

 

he's never met me in his life, and he just thinks that i should step out of his way so they can be together. which i think is bull****, after 2 1/2 years i aint going anywhere without a fight.

 

by the way, everyone in thier lil circle of friends thinks i'm a very violebnt person now, cuz maybe i threatened to kick his ass once or twice. thats why he thought i might be beating my x, cuz i dont like him, and he thinks i'm violent around everyone.

 

anyway, i need advice, she says once i get back to normal we can go out again, but i cant be normal without her.

[Velvet Eel]

You're right that your relationship can't get better while you're "separated," but still living together, having sex, fighting, etc., and she's seeing someone else. Try going a few days without bringing up the other guy or the problems in the relationship--don't argue at all; let her be right about everything--and then wait for a good moment, when you're really enjoying each other, and ask if she'd consider not seeing or communicating with the other guy for a month. You can't work on your relationship if she's really starting another one. If she still wants a break from you, I'd move out and move on. This sounds like a no-win situation that is bringing out the worst in you, and that is potentially dangerous.

[ididntdoit99]

i tried to not bring it up at all, but everytime i see her i know where she just came from. Then i start getting pissed off.

 

right now i told her that i'm moving out and when she gets her **** together maybe to call me.

 

it doesnt make sense because she told me she didnt want me to leave and eveything. and i told her i couldnt stand to sit around and watch her with another guy.

 

so i left and i didn't come back after work (this was last night) and she calls mer at like 1 and asks me where i am????? i didnt tell her, and then she asks me if i have a blanket??? who cares??

 

so i stayed there for quite some time, then i was going to go to another friends and stay there. but realized i didnt have my hat or my phone charger. so i came into the apartment at like 4 in da morning, to grab them real qwik. OF COURSE she wakes up and asks me where i'm going, and i told her i didnt know, then she says i should stay here on the couch. i didnt but i have no idea what is going through her mind.

[Velvet Eel]

It's really hard , I know, to control your reactions when you're hurting like this. This is why almost anyone on this board will tell you to get some distance from this relationship. You're spending all your energy trying to figure her out and second-guess everything she says. If you're interested in another chance with her, stop saying things like "call me when you get your **** together." She's conflicted. She obviously cares about you, but since it isn't working out, she's curious about whether it might work with someone else. This is human nature. In another situation, you might find yourself doing the same thing. Just be as calm and generous as you can. This is a woman you love, right? Leave a good impression. And--just my opinion--get out for a while. Give the other guy a chance to screw up.

[geebz]

i went through a similiar situation. not 100%, but some similiarities.

my ex girlfriend had a guy friend who was calling at 3 am drunk off his ass, asking her out,

wanting to take her to baseball games, etc. So... I flipped out and it caused a break up.

This has been 2 months. It hurt. She never accepted any of his offers but also didn't shut him

completely down. Anyway, definitely take time apart. Let her get the feeling of what life is like without you.

As hard as it is... Let her hang out with this guy. If something comes about between them, you have an answer.

It's hard, but accept it. If that happens, you know it wasn't all that it was cranked up to be.

I have done this. I cut communication off with my ex. She got to do all the stuff that she wanted. She got to hang out with the 31 yr old (yes that's right 31) manager from work. Oh yea, she's 20. (what a joke)

Anyway, she realized what she lost and how stupid she was. It may be something you want to consider.

Carry on with your life. Go out with your friends, stay active. Resist conflict between your ex. Time tells.

This is the approach I took. It was hard, but i thought, maybe she needs this to realize how much I did mean to her.

Stay strong bro...

peace

geebz