Platonic Friendship

[AbFabNYC]

I know what Platonic love is, but does anyone know what a platonic frienship is?

[Tony T]

Essentially the same thing. Any friendship is a bond, of various depth, between two people but without a romantic or sexual ingredient. Good friends are hard to find.

 

I think platonic basically indicates a relationship without the romance, kissing, sex, etc. that is more associated with romantic love.

 

Some platonic friends do end up screwing each other, but not in a sexual way. My, how relationships can change!!!

[Mary]

How about after 9 years of being together?

 

I've just lost my best friend, and I don't know how we are going to be able to be friends after this.

[Tony T]

Mary, you have furnished way too few details to address your problem. Were you married, dating or was this a platonic friendship that ended? How did it end?

 

Friendships, like any other relationship, are bilateral...they require the consent of both parties. So it is really up to both of you. Whether or not you can be friends depends a lot on whether you were truly friends during the nine year period.

 

People grow apart. The best of friends get interested in other people, other activities, they just plain move on and often one of the parties just isn't interested in continuing. It's a part of life that is very hurtful for the one still interested in a friendship.

 

There are so many variables in answering a question like yours, even if you furnish the additional data, that YOU are probably in the best position to assess whether or not the two of you can have a platonic relationship.

 

When two people have been romantic for nine years and that relationship has gone sour, it is possible but it may take a lot of time to enter the platonic friendship category. It really doesn't happen often. You can get hints from my first post under this category.

[Mary]

It's difficult to talk about...

 

It was a romantic relationship and we were engaged to be married...He wasn't very nice to me in the past few years...I felt like I couldn't do anything right in his eyes...and he treated everyone else nicer than he did me...he had some good qualities, but he became unbearably cruel to me and refused to go to counseling. He's also a workaholic.

 

We were best friends...but now I do not know if we can be friends because I am angry at him for treating me so poorly and at myself for allowing it and not leaving earlier...and also sad because I miss the 'old' him.

 

I just don't know...

[Tony T]

It happens everyday...in thousands of relationships. Things change. People shed masks and become themselves. Hidden agendas are fulfilled and people move on. We are no longer of any use to the person we thought was our friend. Other people enter their lives and monopolize their time. Brain chemistry changes and people become obsessed with their own things, their own physiology.

 

It is horrifying to think about sometimes but the person we loved so dearly at one time...and who seemingly loved us the same way...can, in very rare cases, be the one who puts us in the hospital or even in the grave. You remember O.J.?

 

When you mention workaholism, thoughts of childhood physical and emotional abuse come to mind. Many persons who sink themselves into their work do so to escape deep-seated hurt and pain. They learned early on to drown themselves in activities to help them survive abusive ordeals.

 

As adults, those people are simply not able to love, or not willing to risk it. They treat the people they love poorly to keep a distance...so no risk has to be taken. They are simply afraid. If they treat you bad, they ensure you will eventually abandon them and complete the drama that began in their childhood.

 

These people sorely need help but it is not your obligation to get involved in the massive theraputic situation necessary to bring about change. Many from this type of backgroud are so numbed by their past, they don't realize anything is wrong. It takes major life traumas to set them on their way to recovery.

 

Perhaps you can point this man in the right direction...and then point yourself in another. Find a man who is from a healthy background, from a good family, with good values, etc. Hurry...they're just about gone!!!