Friends of the Opposite Sex

[2sure]

Before marrying my husband 3 years ago, I had been single for a long time. During that time I had developed many friendships with guys and become particularly close with several. Before becoming great friends, some of them had asked me out, or indicated they were attracted, but we never dated - just stayed friends. In fact, I have probably set most of them up on dates with other friends, had them each over for dinner at holiday time throughout the years, invited them to my wedding, etc.

 

When my H and I started dating, he told me he didnt think men and women could really be friends, other than FWB. I strongly disagreed and pointed out my healthy friendships. He said they were just waiting for a chance, waiting for me to settle, or waiting for me to notice them differently. He trusted me and had no real issue with my remaining friends with them.

 

After we married....3 years now...they have all disappeared or nearly so.

I loved these guys. I miss them. WTF?? Anyone else have an opinion or theory?

[quankanne]

the whole guy-girl friendship dynamic is WAAAAYYYY different from same-sex friendships.

 

first, there's the "my partner doesn't care for me to have friends of the opposite sex" thing ... and I think most girls are harder on their men than the other way around.

 

then, there's the whole "don't really need to stay in touch to be considered a true friend" that many guys seem to operate by. Not that they're bad or wrong ... just different in their outlook, whereas women highly emphasize communication.

 

or, your husband's thought about men wanting more from you than you realize could be true. However, I can't see ALL one's male friends simultaneously feeling this way!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I've been married most of my life. Had one good guy friend (best friends since childhood) when I married, he actually was one of my H's groomsman. H had no problem with him. He left a few years later to become a priest and though he's back in the area I don't see him too often.

 

Since I have been married I've developed only one good friendship with another male. He is a friend of both of ours actually but we communicate better than he and H so we have more communication than them, but they also do guy things together every now and then. I did tell my H if he ever had a problem with it, then it was over. I also, don't hang out with him alone, either my H or other friends are there. I've been to lunch with him alone but that was only because H couldn't make it. So its a respectful relationship between a SM and MW.

 

I think the key to finding the answer is what you would expect from your own H regarding friendships with women. My H has women he has worked with for 25 years, whom I know and love. There are also women there that I DO NOT care for. I reserve the right to make that decision as should he with me. I also would never use it without very strong feelings.

[2sure]

My H doesn't really have women friends that we (or he) socialize with. He has women he works with who we are find of , collegues he has business dinner , lunches with, a few he sees at reunions, we send cards...but nothing social, nothing current. I think he adheres to his own motto.

 

My H is not opposed to my being friends with these guys, and has not stopped me from doing things on my own with them..or ever been rude to them, I'm sure. But nevertheless...they have stopped responding to invitations ( I have always entertained a lot) . At first I thought they felt funny with H around, so I started calling them to do things on my own with them, like we always had. Like I said, they have all gradually disappeared. Is H right and they were lurking or IS IT ME?

I am very saddened. For me, these felt like sincere friendships.

[2sure]

However, I can't see ALL one's male friends simultaneously feeling this way!

[/b]

 

Something about me, about my behavior has changed. I mean I married but....what change could be so drastic or awful that my friends disappear.

This has suddenly become very scary.

[redfathom]

Do you think they are all in relationships now and their SO's don't want them to have platonic GF's? Or maybe H is right and they all bailed when they knew they weren't going to have a chance with you anymore...

[jmargel]

Most moved on with their lives. If they were attracted to you then having something else happen with you would be a bonus. I have quite a few female friends, while my wife has none. Though that's by her choice. There have been 2 women that I was very close with that have stepped back some, only because they found bfs.

 

It doesn't bother me much, stuff like that happens. Whether they were waiting for something more to happen, I don't know. One thing I have noticed is when my wife is not around my female friends are ALOT more affectionate. Not like kissing, but hugging, putting their arm around me and using affectionate terms. I've noticed they do it more often than my wife does (which she hardly ever does).

[redfathom]

Sorry to go OT, but why would your wife need to be affectionate when you go outside the marriage to get it from female friends...

 

This is why some woman don't like their SO's to have friends of the opposite sex.

 

Sorry again to go off post.

[2sure]

I dont know. At first I posted this because I was curious. But now that I reflect and get others' perspectives....I cant help but wonder if its me.

 

My life is different now. To some people it would appear I have "come up in the world"....but I like to think I always remember where I came from.

 

Was I more fun when I was single?? The whole thing makes me think of that song: You aint much fun since I stopped drinkin.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I think your H is right. You came off the market, and were no longer worth the investment of friendship for a chance to get in your pants. I had the same thing happen, never had a clue the guy was interested in me until he started getting pissed off.

[alphamale]

After we married....3 years now...they have all disappeared or nearly so.

I loved these guys. I miss them. WTF?? Anyone else have an opinion or theory?

they were all "nice guys" who were trying to hook up with you and thought if they stuck around long enough then they would get you. they didn't. you're married now and they have realized there is no chance.

 

they really we not your friends to begin with as they wanted something else. in addition, you were in control of the relationships.

 

this is why i don't recommend these types of "friendships"...

[2sure]

To be perfectly honest, I have only just now realized that what I thought were genuine , important, life long friendships....were just , what? Booty Calls waiting to happen?? I loved these people.

What about me made it seem that sex might be just around the corner? I mean, after Years? I'm not unattractive and I like to think I'm fun...but really and sincerely, even I know : I'M Not all that.

[jmargel]

Sorry to go OT, but why would your wife need to be affectionate when you go outside the marriage to get it from female friends...

 

This is why some woman don't like their SO's to have friends of the opposite sex.

 

Sorry again to go off post.

 

I don't go outside the relationship for affection. I don't give them affection, they come upto me. My wife is fine with that, I asked her on numerous occasions. Always been honest with her and told her if at any point this was a problem (me having female friends) I would stop.

 

Actually they were her friends, but they started talking to me since she would ignore their calls and stop going out with them. My wife has become a hermit. She shows no affection, gives no compliments and honestly seems like she doesn't care. And no she won't get help, I've tried so much..

 

Anyway not to steal the OP thread.. People will come and leave you throughout your life. You will find new friends. Don't base yourself on the ones that moved on.

[2sure]

JMargel -

 

I am positive women, even women H works with - are more flirty when Im not around. He is a kissy touchy guy. I dont mind in the least. I'm socially flirty myself , H doesnt mind that either.

 

I hope to make new friends, this whole thought process has brought me down.

[fral945]

I agree with your husband.

 

Being a single guy, if I am very friendly with a female it's usually because I want something with them. Only exception would be a woman that is completely physically unattractive.

[angie2443]

I

Actually they were her friends, but they started talking to me since she would ignore their calls and stop going out with them. My wife has become a hermit. She shows no affection, gives no compliments and honestly seems like she doesn't care. And no she won't get help, I've tried so much..

.

 

This might have to do with the strip clubs or your female friends that you would date if you weren't married. Your wife might not have been so threatened by this when she didn't have a child. Then, she could have left the marriage if it became out of hand. Having children has a way of trapping women in marriages that are harmful to them.

[taiko]

To be perfectly honest, I have only just now realized that what I thought were genuine , important, life long friendships....were just , what? Booty Calls waiting to happen?? I loved these people.

What about me made it seem that sex might be just around the corner? I mean, after Years? I'm not unattractive and I like to think I'm fun...but really and sincerely, even I know : I'M Not all that.

 

I would say that the guys who stuck around had more in mind then just a booty call. They wanted a full relationship and they infact gave love to get sex. They just happened to lose out to another man. Unless a man is a rock star he is like any other predator most attacks miss their prey and they go back to stalk into they get close enough to try another attack. In the end if you said that you loved him, even like a brother, he would keep hope that he would see a full relationship when you realized what you would miss out of. Not JUST a partial relationship.

[Nar14]

I had exactly the same scenario that u had...only backwards. I had TONS of female friends, most of em with exes from one night stand and/or regular friends...most of em were very attractive. Sine I got engaged my fiance asked me to cut them off completely. To be honest I would have never jump on any of em but if the chance was on the table on one of those days that nobody-will-find-out-what-happened-here, I would have most def agreed. So bottom point I think that a relatiionship cant have attractive friends at least....

[2sure]

So, it sounds like my husband was right all along.

 

And if I'm honest with myself - I knew these guys liked me, but I really thought that was put aside for the friendship. I agree, they were all nice guys and probably hoping for a full relationship , not a FWB.

 

AND as long as I'm being honest with myself. ..

I have always cultivated friendships with men, not so much with women. I know a woman's lack of female friends is often a red flag ...

Now that I'm not single, and my male friends are gone....I must admit, I have regret that I have not cultivated more female friendships.

[jmargel]

This might have to do with the strip clubs or your female friends that you would date if you weren't married. Your wife might not have been so threatened by this when she didn't have a child. Then, she could have left the marriage if it became out of hand. Having children has a way of trapping women in marriages that are harmful to them.

 

Angie.. quit it. It was my wife's idea to goto a strip club for my bachelor's party. She actually worked at one (bartending), so throwing your anti-strip club sentiments are not going to work here. The last time we went, she went along.. And had a good time.

 

And I guess my wife is in a harmful marriage with me, so I got her pregnant to keep her in it? Ha.. if you would only know. If you only knew what really went on..

 

She is more than welcome to leave at anytime she wishes. I would never hang onto a woman's ankles if they want to walk out the door. Until you know the whole story try not to make assumptions.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I know a woman's lack of female friends is often a red flag ...

Now that I'm not single, and my male friends are gone....I must admit, I have regret that I have not cultivated more female friendships.

 

It is? I can count my close female friends on one finger.

 

And she's worth more than a hundred other female friends put together.

[Yamaha]

Most close male-female friendships have some sexual attraction in the mix. Mostly these are nice guys who probably like you alot and are hoping the friendship will turn into a relationship. If a guy spends alot of time with a women listening to all of her crap then he wants more than a mere friendship, bottom line.

Nice guys try to win your affection with a good ear and support but a bad boy or jerk would never settle for friendship with a women. He tells you what he wants and you either accept or move on. Seems like the best arrangement to me.

 

So your H is right in that they probably wanted a relationship with you and when you went off the market they moved on.

[2sure]

All of you guys are 100% percent right. And it doesnt mean there is a thing wrong with these men, or me, or that it wasnt a real friendship. I cant say that I was blind to the facts either. I mean, I loved each of them, we were close. When we were out, I enjoyed their company more than women friends because they treated me almost like we were on a date. I see that now. I miss them though, not the date treatment.

While I was single, most of my friends were guys. Now that I'm married, my H is my best friend...but I miss other company that is all my own.

 

I would still go out with one of them in the event he wanted to, the one I am closest to. H would encourage me, as he likes him also.

As to the others, I will still call on them when I need an extra guy for a dinner party and set them up with single women. They are open to that.

Just a change I hadnt expected somehow.

Thanks guys.

[jmargel]

Men do not want close friendships with women unles there is a reason behind it. Fist, you have to define what close friendship is. I am friends with the server woman who waits on tables at the local mariba I play music at. We have known each other for years, chat when I am setting up equipment, and I can most assuredly call her my friend, but I am not physically attracted to her in any way, and I assure you, I would not be calling her up to go to a club and have a fun evening, and she wouldn't call me to come over and fix her faucet, but she is my friend.

 

Now, when I am really wanting something romantic and sexual with a female, I'll go over and fix her faucet, I'll love getting to go to clubs, or spend time, even if she says it's just friendship, I am always thinking I can work (or worm) my way in deeper, maybe she'll fall ina time of weakness and need me. The point here is, men and women can be friends, but that kind of friendship is really just being only an aquaintence friends. Any guy who says different is probably in a predatory friendship now and is trying to rationalize it.

 

I would have to disagree somewhat with your statement. I have several women as close friends and actually went out with one to a bar this past Friday night. My wife didn't mind.

 

She is attractive but I look at her more as a sister. Perhaps because I never had a sister I look at some of my female friends like that. Lonely guys might have a motive, but there are guys out there that just want a woman's point of view, a honest one at that.

 

Just because you might have a predatory friendship, doesn't mean all guys do. If you hide something from your spouse than that is where problems start. If I were to go out with this female and hiding it from my wife, then there is reason to be concerned. It's all about boundaries. Just some are more comfortable than others in where that boundary is at.

 

The thing is, when one spouse starts telling the other 'You can't do this, you can't go there' doesn't matter how it's said, then distance starts to happen between the couple. Like that song from 38 special goes 'Hold on loosley but don't let go'. If you can't trust your partner then the relationship is not going to work.

[lost_in_life_again]

I have been friends with mostly guys my entire life. Only had/have one girl friend for 20 years and the rest have been guys. Sure, some have turned into FWB and then soon after, they dropped out of my life, but most have been strictly plutonic relationships.

 

There are a couple that I have been friends with now for nearly ten years that told me they had feelings for me, I told them nothing would ever materialize and eventually they got over it and I became the girl they talked to for a woman's perspective. We're still friends, still hang out on occasion, they're great guys, just not for me.

 

I am "just one of the guys". I prefer to hang out with them and watch baseball and football, drink some beers and talk about bull****. My two closest friends are guys that I have been friends with for 13 years and never has there been any romantic feelings or weird attraction. They are like brothers to me; I couldn't imagine my life without them. The only sad part is that I'm with them every time I go out and any man that I would be interested in naturally assumes that one of them is my boyfriend. It makes it very hard to meet someone when everyone has this preconceived notion that men and women can't be just friends.

 

So, while I agree that to some extent romantic feelings occasionally do get mixed up with male-female friendships, based on my experience it is perfectly normal to maintain such a friendship without that connotation. The problem is that everyone seems to have these negative thoughts about it and jealousy kicks in which makes a perfectly normal friendship seem awkward.

 

"I know a woman's lack of female friends is often a red flag ..."

 

I have to ask...a red flag for what?? Guess my red flag is HUGE!!