Me and MM broke up. I feel so lost...

[KismetGirl]

This morning, me and MM broke up. I feel like a piece of my heart is lost and empty. I feel this painful , empty longing, like a piece of my soul has just been ripped from me. My rational side knows its for the best, for both of us, and that time will heal all wounds, but I feel so defeated, like I'll never love anyone like this ever again. LIke he has ruined me. I know that is silly, but I feel so horrid right now, like I don't even want to leave my house, which I haven't. i didnt go to work today, just lay in bed all day. Not crying, not doing anything. I didnt have the energy to cry, smile, talk, nothing.

 

He called me yesterday while I was driving home to ask me if I had gotten his email. I never got the email, guess it got lost. In any event, he said he'd been thinking, after nearly getting caught by his wife twice in one week, that he needed to stop being selfish and continue to jeapordize risking losing the most important thing in th world to him- namely, his children, his family, etc. It was essentially a repeat of the statement he made when he broke it off with me two years ago, except back them he had one kid and a pregnant wife, and this time he has three kids....and our emotional investment in each other is ten times more than it was back then.

 

I started crying while driving home, got pulled over for talking on my cell phone, got two tickets, and the cop that pulled me over felt so bad for me as I was crying hysterically when he came up to my window that he "made a mistake" on the ticket so that it would have to be dismissed.

 

I called MM back and in between sobs told him I wanted him to come speak to me in person, that after four years he owed me that much. He apologized and said of course, he would come speak to me in person. He came over this morning. I gave him the birthday present I'd bought him months ago that I had been waiting to give to him next month, and he looked like he was about to cry when he opened it because of what it was.

 

He rambled something about how he is really bad at this type of conversation, and he didn't know what else to do anymore. He said he cared about me so much but that the stress of almost getting caught so many times was killing him, and that he needed to stop being selfish and risk losing his children and his family. That he wished there was some way he could be with me and still have his family and not have all this guilt but that he didnt know how it was possible, and that I deserved better than what he could do right now. That this decision had nothing to do with how he feels for me or anything I've done.

 

I didn't say too much. But....I did tell him I had fallen in love with him. It felt like such a relief because I had been holding it in for so long, afraid to tell him. When I told him he took my hand and said he was glad I made him come over to speak in person because he felt the same way but it still didnt change the reality of the situation.

He didnt know how there was any way we could still see each other, because seeing me in person, he was unable to hold back from me. That seeing me and not being able to be with me was torture so it was better for us not to see each other, but that he wanted to at least email with me once in a while to know how I was doing.

 

I don't know how to feel. What to say or think. He pulled me to him and just lay there with me for 45 minutes hugging me and kissing me and stroking my hair before he had to go to work and left. He just stood there in my front door with his hand on my face like he wanted to come back in and just stay with me but knew that he couldn't.

 

I don't what to think. Last time we broke up, within a year we couldn't stand not being with each other and ended up back together again.

 

He's only been gone one day and I miss him so badly already. Knowing that on my next day off of work he won't be coming over to be with me like he does every week is so....sad. It leaves me empty. Longing. I don't know how else to describe it. The only thing I looked forward to every week between work and school and all the stress I have is now gone.

 

I love him so much, and this pain is indescribable, to know that he feels the same way and I just met him at the wrong time in both our lives....my god, I just want to crawl into a hole and cry, but I feel so empty I havent the energy to even cry anymore. I wonder if he will miss me as much as I miss him. I wonder if I will ever see him again. I wonder when I will be happy again, because I've forgotten what it's like....

[GreenEyedLady]

I am sorry that you are so sad...

 

Take care of yourself...

 

Treat this as a complete break-up. He has chosen his family. Respect that choice and move forward, without him. Don't look back. Don't think what if. Don't wonder down the road.

 

You will be happy again, just not as the OW.

 

GEL

[signedin2008]

Well, that's the expected outcome for sleeping with someone else's husband.

 

How would you feel if someone sleeps with your husband behind your back? You should be glad that you have damaged a marriage, but have not wrecked a home yet.

 

You just need to get out of bed and move on.

[wildsoul]

(((hugs))) I'm really sorry you're hurting. Please be gentle with yourself right now. We're here for you!

[KismetGirl]

Well, that's the expected outcome for sleeping with someone else's husband.

 

How would you feel if someone sleeps with your husband behind your back? You should be glad that you have damaged a marriage, but have not wrecked a home yet.

 

You just need to get out of bed and move on.

 

 

Number one, I didn't wreck his marriage. It's his marriage. He "wrecked" it. I didnt plan to get involved with him. Its been four years, this wasnt some stupid fling.

 

If you havent got anything supportive to say please keep it to yourself. I dont need crap shoved in my face when i feel so horrible that I almost feel like going and walking in front of a effing car.

 

I want to see you "move on" after someone youve been in love with for four years tells you they love you back but that you cant see each other anymore.

 

Be a little sympathetic for god's sake, or keep your f**king opinion to yourself. Im not asking for anyone's opinion on the morality of what I did. I feel horrible and all I wanted was a little support. That's all.

[joybean72]

Kismet, I don't know your whole story or your history with this guy...but as a BS who's husband left to be with the (second) OW after 7 years....of course you are hurting, it is four years of your life wasted on empty promises. (My stbx also "broke up" by phone like a coward, so I am glad you made him step up & confront what he was doing btw.) You deserve a hell of a lot better than that guy and in time you will find a man that has the capacity to love you and only you. Peace.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Hey, why don't you go inform his wife? That'll put the nail in the coffin of this "relationship". And he's lying about loving you. If he loved you, he wouldn't have disrespected you by boffing you and then going home to his wife. You know he tells her he loves her, too?

 

I really thing you should tell her about all of this. No way he can use you again after that exposure! And think how good you'll feel, finally living an honest life. It's a big step in the right direction.

[chasingrainbows25]

Kismet, while we appreciate you are hurting right now there is no need to lash out at people who have taken the time to read your posting and form a response.

 

There are others on here who are hurting now or who have been hurt in the past just like you.

 

What you have here is a man who for 4 years has been involved with you whilst married. Has it crossed your mind at all that he's replaced you with someone else? Just a thought.

 

All is never what is seems when a cheater is involved. They lie and decieve effortlessly.

 

I hope you get through this dark period and my advice would be to delete him completely from your life. You owe yourself more than that, you deserve more than that.

 

CR25

[greengoddess]

Use your pain for anger to get over this. Use your pain to see this through new eyes and get mad. This man had two children born 'while loving' you. This man did not even have a dday and broke up with you because he "almost" did. GET ANGRY. Do not ever speak to him again. Get angry for the four wasted years of your life. Pull yourself up put on some fast rocking music and move along.

[GreenEyedLady]

Kismet, while we appreciate you are hurting right now there is no need to lash out at people who have taken the time to read your posting and form a response.

 

Excuse me?!

 

That poster deserved to get flamed!

 

If people don't like what they hear in the OW forum, don't come here.

 

This forum is for support, especially on a thread like this.

 

Forget the moralizing and condemnation.

 

I mean, do you really think that anything said in that tone will change anyone's mind?

[Meet 4 Coffee]

He wasn't emotionally invested with you too deeply or he wouldn't have made the deep commitment of creating two children with his wife while you two were together. He loves her; you were some sex on the side, face it, or he would have left her instead of making even more of a bond by making the commitment of having children with her.

It's easy for him to say "I felt the same way" when you said you had falling "in love" with him, but he didn't feel that way. You were sex. Keep telling yourself that. He didn't want to leave her when he met you. Instead he wanted to deepen his commitment with his wife by making love to her and having another child with her while he was screwing you on the side. Now his attraction for you has waned and he is dumping you.

[me4u2]

Wow, some of the responses in here are brutal. Why people feel the need to post something in such a hurtful, callous manner when someone is down is beyond me. Whether or not you agree with the situation isn't the issue, she posted for support, not lecture or judgment.

 

You need to keep going for yourself because you will find happiness eventually. You might not see it now, but you will.

[greengoddess]

Wow, some of the responses in here are brutal. Why people feel the need to post something in such a hurtful, callous manner when someone is down is beyond me. Whether or not you agree with the situation isn't the issue, she posted for support, not lecture or judgment.

 

You need to keep going for yourself because you will find happiness eventually. You might not see it now, but you will.

 

:laugh:That's kind of funny since you posted no support and just chastised people and continued pointing out the callousness of people instead of ignoring it. Where is your support?

[me4u2]

I told her to keep going for herself and that she'd find happiness. What are you talking about?

[OWoman]

I love him so much, and this pain is indescribable, to know that he feels the same way and I just met him at the wrong time in both our lives....my god, I just want to crawl into a hole and cry, but I feel so empty I havent the energy to even cry anymore. I wonder if he will miss me as much as I miss him. I wonder if I will ever see him again. I wonder when I will be happy again, because I've forgotten what it's like....

 

(((((hugs))))) KG.

 

Ignore the bile of those posters who have nothing productive to say - their small-minded bitterness just shows up how hollow and empty their own lives are, it's no reflection on you or your life.

 

The strength of the pain you're feeling bears testimony to the strength of your love, and while nothing anybody says right now will make you feel better, just remember that there are some of us wishing you strength and sending you positive energy to help you through this difficult time.

[OWoman]

Well, that's the expected outcome for sleeping with someone else's husband.

 

Only for those with rather limited imaginations, I reckon. Others temper their expectations with their own experience, lived or observed, and would allow rather more possiblities than that suggests.

 

For example, based on my experience, the "expected outcome for sleeping with someone else's husband" is that he leaves the saddo BW and makes a new, better life for himself and everyone else with the OW, to resounding cheers all round. But our stories are all different, our outcomes dependent on our circumstances, and while some of us sail off into the sunset, others like KG have their hearts shredded. Like in any other R, I guess.

[frannie]

Kismet, I'm so sorry to read this, and I'm sorry you're hurting ((( kismet )))

 

I'm beyond sorry that people find it appropriate to post hurtful comments when it's clear what you're going through. SO sorry you've had to read them. Its really disgusting ((( kismet ))).

[jwi71]

I debated about posting and obviously decided to.

 

KG, I am truly sorry for the pain you feel. We have all lost loves at one point or another. And we all recover.

 

For you, I would seriously consider changing jobs. Cut him out completely. My fear is this A rekindles itself. Maybe after the holidays. Maybe after your "man" feels safe enough in his M to chase you again. Its been a repeated pattern with you and him...please end it. Stop doing this to yourself, him and his family.

[Billie63]

Kismet I was wondering where you'd got to and I had a feeling bad news was coming.

 

Although in the long term it's not bad news - it's good news because he has freed you from the uncertainty.

 

Embrace the pain Kismet, don't try to fight it, when you embrace the pain and say to yourself: "yes, this is as bad as it gets". Then you will start taking the slow steps to recovery.

 

No one can take this pain away from you I'm afraid, there are no shortcuts to getting over someone you love. But you will get over it, believe me.

 

You have to have NC completely, no emails nothing.

 

You see this as disastrous for you but I see this as ultimately liberating. But you have to go through some awful pain first before you realise this.

 

Keep coming on here and talking to people who have dealt with break ups - not just OW, but people who are brokenhearted, like yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Although in the long term it's not bad news - it's good news because he has freed you from the uncertainty.

 

I agree with this. Ofcourse you're hurting badly and probably will hurt for a while, atleast the role of you being the OW in his life, that rollercoaster ride, is over. Having some finality to this will set you free. One day you'll see this and believe it too.

 

Call your friends and family, get support from them. Cry and eat icecream, or whatever your comfort food is..

[Owl]

Kismet, I've got to say that you've received some of the best possible advice here...especially from these two posters:

 

I am sorry that you are so sad...

 

Take care of yourself...

 

Treat this as a complete break-up. He has chosen his family. Respect that choice and move forward, without him. Don't look back. Don't think what if. Don't wonder down the road.

 

You will be happy again, just not as the OW.

 

GEL

 

I think GEL's advice is right on the money...and its your FIRST step towards recovering. Its something you can do now, even if you don't feel like doing it right now. Make sense?

 

The other advice from Greengoddess:

 

Use your pain for anger to get over this. Use your pain to see this through new eyes and get mad. This man had two children born 'while loving' you. This man did not even have a dday and broke up with you because he "almost" did. GET ANGRY. Do not ever speak to him again. Get angry for the four wasted years of your life. Pull yourself up put on some fast rocking music and move along.

 

Is ABSOLUTELY something you should keep in mind as a 'next step' within the next few weeks.

 

I don't think you've got the STRENGTH to be angry right now...but you will. And GG has this idea totally right. Its the same steps that we suggested for good ole Stampdaddy, and its going to be a part of how you'll truly heal.

 

But...that's later. Right now...focus on getting through one day at a time, while honoring his request. And take active measures to honor that request...BLOCK him from contacting you, and remove him from your phone/email/etc...so its not quite so easy for you to slip and break NC either.

 

Hang in there, friend.

 

I hope you take some time to seek out some support from family and friends who are there with you.

[dema1]

The best thing to do is to learn how to enjoy yourself without actually being with someone. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Time heals all wounds.

[jwi71]

Time heals all wounds.

 

No it doesn't.

 

What you do with the time is what heals. And I hope KG starts making changes, starting by handing in her resignation.

[KismetGirl]

It's hard to be optimistic right now....like I said , my rational side knows this is for the best for both of us, but that doesn't make it easier to go through. I never expected him to choose me over his children, and he is not at a point in his life or marriage where he is ready to leave, I knew that a long time ago. He may do it in the future, who knows, but I knew he wasn't going to do it now. I know there isn't any other OW, trust me. This is a guilt factor with him that's been there since day one. The first two years of our affair he would "break up" with me almost once a month and then come back a week later. He's always been torn between his family life and me. It's not like he hates his wife...but that isn't even the point in this thread, I've argued the rest of that stuff to death on here. The point of this thread is me trying to make it right now , because I feel so, so, so dark and lost. I didn't go to class on Wed because I was so upset, I missed three days of work. I am at work today and have gotten nothig done. I came in three hours late and now Im sitting here at my computer trying not to cry, waiting for the work day to be over so I can go home and lay in bed and pray for sleep to take over me so I don't have to be conscious and think. I have an ongoing struggle with clinical depression and anxiety and I gotta tell you, this situation isn't helping me right now along with all the other things I've been dealing with. Many things can happen in the long run, but they are hard to see when your vision is obscured by dismal bleakness. My chest literally feels compressed, like I can barely breathe...

 

I think I was just hoping I'd meet someone else and that I would be the one to end things, on my own terms, with MM. I wasn't mentally ready to end it yet. It's alot harder when someone else makes the decision for you. I've been through so much this past year, and honestly seeing him was the only thing that brought a smile to my face for even an hour. I mean...I know it has to get better....I hope....it's just hard to feel it right now. Right now I feel....numb.

[KismetGirl]

No it doesn't.

 

What you do with the time is what heals. And I hope KG starts making changes, starting by handing in her resignation.

 

 

You must have misread my earlier posts. I USED to work with him. I haven't worked with him in at least two years. I resigned from my former job because of him, the last time he broke up with me was sort of around that time, and I couldnt bear seeing him every day at work so I left. Apparently not working together didn't matter because we started talking again a year and change later....