Me and MM broke up. I feel so lost...

[KismetGirl]

You must have misread my earlier posts. I USED to work with him. I haven't worked with him in at least two years. I resigned from my former job because of him, the last time he broke up with me was sort of around that time, and I couldnt bear seeing him every day at work so I left. Apparently not working together didn't matter because we started talking again a year and change later....

 

 

 

PS- Sometimes Im not sure if he "means it" this time. He's said it so many times before and keeps coming back its hard to know. It seemed so final this time....but then again I probably thought it seemed final last time too. I don't know anymore what to think...my brain is just friend right now from thinking and thinking, freaking just being awake is painful right now, i swear to god, even people at work are afraid to talk to me because I probably look like I want to go kill myself right now.

 

And no, i agree with you, time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds stay open forever....but sometimes you get used to the pain I guess....

[whichwayisup]

I never expected him to choose me over his children, and he is not at a point in his life or marriage where he is ready to leave, I knew that a long time ago. He may do it in the future,

 

Even if he leaves, say in 2 years, I would HOPE that you aren't going to sit and wait. IF he leaves, let it be because HE wants out, HE's unhappy and the marriage isn't working. Not because you're waiting in the wings for him, someone to come to later. That wouldn't be good for either of you, just go look at other threads here and how hard it is to be with a separated man. IF you want to date him AFTER he divorces, that's different as it's final and he's no longer married. Separated man still = married man and they aren't able to committ, let alone give 100%.

 

I think I was just hoping I'd meet someone else and that I would be the one to end things, on my own terms, with MM.

 

KG, you'll never meet anyone else as long as you're with him. You won't allow yourself to even think or be with another man with him still in your life.

 

I can see there's still a part of you that hopes he'll leave and come to you at some point in the future, but you need to accept that it IS over and try your best to respect his decision of staying with his wife and family. He may love you tons, but it isn't enough for him to leave and change his whole life. He is happy enough at home - If he truly was miserable he'd divorce and have shared custody of the kids.

[whichwayisup]

PS- Sometimes Im not sure if he "means it" this time.

 

Then YOU mean it. Take control of your life and cut him out of your heart. If you don't and let's say in 3 months he calls you and says he misses you, wants to see you - ASK HIM what has changed? If he is still there, then say goodbye and tell him to contact you ONLY when he's officially divorced. Don't stay the OW to keep him in your life. You lose out on so much if you do that once again..

[Billie63]

Kismet, are you having any counselling to do with your depression and anxiety? If not, is it something that you could pursue?

[norajane]

I have an ongoing struggle with clinical depression and anxiety and I gotta tell you, this situation isn't helping me right now along with all the other things I've been dealing with.

Are you currently seeing a doctor? If not, perhaps this would be a good time to make an appointment. You don't have to battle this on your own.

 

Sometimes Im not sure if he "means it" this time.

I agree with WWIU - YOU mean it this time, YOU make the decision for yourself that YOU are DONE, no more. Because, as you said:

 

It's alot harder when someone else makes the decision for you.

Regardless of whether he means it or not, you can make the decision and you will feel stronger for it. Don't let him back into your life if he comes around again when the heat dies down at home. Why put yourself through this roller-coaster yet one more time?

[jj33]

Kismet I am really sorry you are so down. It really sucks right now. And I remember feeling the same way when MM and I ended it. I was in a fog for days. And it didnt seem real for all the same reasons that you say.

 

Much as the only thing you want right now is to have him back, hope in your heart that he does mean it this time because otherwise you will have this back and forth until you are ready to let go and the back and forth breaks your heart again and again.

 

When it ended he said it was too dangerous if we kept up he would have to leave (not due to any D day situation but because he would want to; he couldnt continue the double life) and he didnt want to leave. A month later he would say what can we do to make this work. Back and forth for 14 months following the break up.

 

It took me almost a year to decide that there was no way back. You know he loves you and you love him. Get angry be sad but that doesnt change what you shared.

 

The thing is as painful and awful as it is now, I predict you will find that it isnt really more awful than the dark days when you were together. You dont get the wonderful part of sharing the good times with him, but so long as he stays away, the rollercoaster is over. And that means that in a few days or a few months you will find that you are stronger and feeling better than you have since you got back with him.

 

Look at some of your posts, as much as you love him and he loves you, the A brought you a lot of pain.

 

The end means that there is an opportunity to stop the pain once you have gotten over the initial shock. It will take some time but you will get there. And in time you will find happiness with someone else.

 

Hang in there it will get better in time.

[jwi71]

You must have misread my earlier posts. I USED to work with him. I haven't worked with him in at least two years. I resigned from my former job because of him, the last time he broke up with me was sort of around that time, and I couldnt bear seeing him every day at work so I left. Apparently not working together didn't matter because we started talking again a year and change later....

 

 

I disagree. You stopped working and didn't contact him for roughly a year. That lack of easy contact, to me, helped. You made a choice and started to change, then relapsed.

 

KG, this "man" will never be with you. I am sorry to say that. He has repeatedly chosen his W and kids. At every turn, he turns away from you. Do NOT even think of trying to argue that.

 

What I keyed on was "he almost go twice and then decided it was too risky". Well, the only reason he would care about that is if he still loved his W. The proof is in the pudding.

 

You have a well established pattern. Time to break it. Delete him from your life. If he contacts you again, tell him "You ever contact me again, I'm calling your W".

 

I have always had your best interest at heart, believe it or not. Walk away. This is toxic.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet, are you having any counselling to do with your depression and anxiety? If not, is it something that you could pursue?

 

 

Yes Im in therapy once a week and see a psychiatrist once a month. I took myself off all meds for a while because I was sort of tired of them but recently started taking them again. It's a long battle, and its just hard even with treatment to get on it.....I feel like I have nothing to look forward to ever. I know in a way I was using MM as a crutch, something to lean on, but he honestly made me smile and its so rare for me to feel that way lately. I hate my job, school is stressful, I got suspended at work for something I didn't even do, I can barely afford to pay for everything because the suspension was not paid, I rarely see friends anymore for whatever reason, they just don't go out like they used to , I see family once in a while but that's it. I just feel like I have nothing in my life that really makes me happy...so its hard to look forward....on my worse days I feel like crawling into a hole and on my best days i feel melonchaly and non-descript, at best. It's a ****e way to live...

[Billie63]

Yes Im in therapy once a week and see a psychiatrist once a month. I took myself off all meds for a while because I was sort of tired of them but recently started taking them again. It's a long battle, and its just hard even with treatment to get on it.....I feel like I have nothing to look forward to ever. I know in a way I was using MM as a crutch, something to lean on, but he honestly made me smile and its so rare for me to feel that way lately. I hate my job, school is stressful, I got suspended at work for something I didn't even do, I can barely afford to pay for everything because the suspension was not paid, I rarely see friends anymore for whatever reason, they just don't go out like they used to , I see family once in a while but that's it. I just feel like I have nothing in my life that really makes me happy...so its hard to look forward....on my worse days I feel like crawling into a hole and on my best days i feel melonchaly and non-descript, at best. It's a ****e way to live...

 

I'm sure you're aware that it can take a couple of weeks for the meds to kick in.

 

You're not stupid - you've made the connection that he provided some sunshine (however brief) in a life that's pretty joyless by the sounds of it.

 

You have to give yourself some time to grieve of course, but at some point you simply have to change your job and make a social life for yourself. You're far too young to live such a grim life.

 

Throwing yourself into a job that you love can be the biggest help when you're getting over a relationship - it certainly helped me this year. But you don't have that to fall back on.

 

Your friends may not be going out so much but are they there for you on the telephone to sound off to?

[dema1]

No it doesn't.

 

What you do with the time is what heals. And I hope KG starts making changes, starting by handing in her resignation.

 

It all depends on a person cause time can heal a lot of the wounds if not all of them. If you ask me it was wrong to get involved with a married person in the first place. Thats just my opinion though, no harm intended. You just have to remember that you can always do better. You can find someone who's single and who won't choose their children over you. But like I said that is just my two cents on it, you can agree or disagree, thats your choice.

[jwi71]

It all depends on a person cause time can heal a lot of the wounds if not all of them. If you ask me it was wrong to get involved with a married person in the first place. Thats just my opinion though, no harm intended. You just have to remember that you can always do better. You can find someone who's single and who won't choose their children over you. But like I said that is just my two cents on it, you can agree or disagree, thats your choice.

 

Once more...time heals nothing. What you do with that time is what heals. KG needs to take the time and heal, get away from him. He is killing her slowly, subtly and, in my eyes, evilly. How many times do you want to go through this?

 

Come on KG, you have a good head on your shoulders...think! Remember the past and see the circle of abuse. Break it! For YOU.

[dema1]

Once more...time heals nothing. What you do with that time is what heals. KG needs to take the time and heal, get away from him. He is killing her slowly, subtly and, in my eyes, evilly. How many times do you want to go through this?

 

Come on KG, you have a good head on your shoulders...think! Remember the past and see the circle of abuse. Break it! For YOU.

 

I will have to agree with you jwi on that part. She does need to get away from him cause she knows that she deserves better. I just can't understand why people get so serious with married ones when there are so many single and available people out here without baggage.

[frannie]

I just can't understand why people get so serious with married ones when there are so many single and available people out here without baggage.

 

I think that's a great subject for a new thread. I'd wonder how many single people have 'no baggage' for one thing. And for another, I'd say we're all individuals, and a good percentage of us are in relationships... and sometimes... people just click, for whatever reason.

 

But as I say, it's a great subject for a thread, if you want to start one. I'd be interested in contributing.

[dema1]

I have to agree with Frannie. That is an interesting topic that is worth a new thread. Be sure to leave your thoughts on it.

[joybean72]

Kismet, anxiety & depression can REALLY do a number on your health, then comes the anger phase (which does kind of help, but still not good for you!)...so be kind and good to yourself. Do things FOR YOU to make yourself feel good....bubble baths, get your hair & nails done, have lunch with friends, etc. I know I had trouble sleeping in the beginning, I tried the meds and couldn't take them...so I downloaded some meditations and deep sleep hypnosis cds off of the computer. (Sounds kinda corny, but they did work!) Anyway...just a couple of suggestions for ya. Hang in there, better days ahead!

[signedin2008]

How come you never answer one of the posters' response you putting a complete END to it while at the same time doing the right thing, which is informing his wife of what had been going on?

[KismetGirl]

How come you never answer one of the posters' response you putting a complete END to it while at the same time doing the right thing, which is informing his wife of what had been going on?

 

 

Because his wife is living in blissful ignorance of what happened. She might have had some clues, but she doesn't know for sure, and now that it's over, she never has to know. She'll be happier not knowing. Ignorance is bliss, from the perspective of that person who is in ignorance. Get what Im saying?

 

Im already miserable enough for both of us. She and her children are pretty happy, their family life is very good from what I see in photos and from mutual friends, so I see now reason for me to come ruin it for her. Things are apparently over between me and him. She might as well stay happy even if I can't be....telling her does nothing but take out some revenge on him on my behalf at her expense. So maybe he'll get away with the cheating, this time, but better at least one woman lives happy. She's got three kids and a whole life with him. Maybe he was an idiot to risk it all, but it's not my place to come ruin it for her now, no matter what's happened in the past. She doesn't know for sure that anything was going on recently. As far as she knows, he had a bit of an EA with me a long time ago and doesn't think it went further than that. So let her live in her blissful ignorance. At least the kids are happy.

[JamesM]

Im already miserable enough for both of us. She and her children are pretty happy, their family life is very good from what I see in photos and from mutual friends, so I see now reason for me to come ruin it for her.

 

So let her live in her blissful ignorance. At least the kids are happy.

 

I gotta say that I respect this. I know others think that this MM should get what is coming to him, but think a minute....how many women who are BS say after the fact that it would have been better never knowing? More than will be given credit by the responders to that question.

 

KG, I have followed your story. I feel for you. While many can say that this was bound to happen, they really didn't know. Most of us do live in the here and now in our lives. If we lived every day as if we expected what tomorrow will bring, we would end up staying out of any close relationships. Many of us have experienced the pain that any close relationship brings.

 

I admire your attitude towards his family. Let him decide what he says or doesn't.

 

Now that he has left again, what plans do you have in place to keep you from going back to him again?

[JamesM]

How come you never answer one of the posters' response you putting a complete END to it while at the same time doing the right thing, which is informing his wife of what had been going on?

 

Why is it the "right thing?" What law states this? How can we tell KG what she should do not knowing any more of her situation that what we perceive by reading her threads?

 

While we can give suggestions as to what our experiences would direct us to do, I think it is quite another thing to say what is the right thing.

 

The "right thing" to do IMO is for KG to take care of herself. Her telling the MM's wife would only serve as revenge, and honestly, the MM's wife would look at it that way. It may break up the family and it may forever hurt the children, but what will it serve? I know your answer: "The wife will know what a jerk she is married to." And why is it KG's responsibility to tell her? I think she knows more than the MM knows and is deciding to ignore it.

 

And you are making a huge assumption, and that is that the MM is not going to reveal this whole affair in his own way. I can hear your scoffs already, but again that is what you think will happen. Truthfully, KG cannot even answer his question.

 

I think KG is going about this correctly. Now...if the MM's wife calls KG, THEN she can be honest and say what all happened. IMO being the instigator serves no good for anyone.

[KismetGirl]

I gotta say that I respect this. I know others think that this MM should get what is coming to him, but think a minute....how many women who are BS say after the fact that it would have been better never knowing? More than will be given credit by the responders to that question.

 

KG, I have followed your story. I feel for you. While many can say that this was bound to happen, they really didn't know. Most of us do live in the here and now in our lives. If we lived every day as if we expected what tomorrow will bring, we would end up staying out of any close relationships. Many of us have experienced the pain that any close relationship brings.

 

I admire your attitude towards his family. Let him decide what he says or doesn't.

 

Now that he has left again, what plans do you have in place to keep you from going back to him again?

 

Thank you, James. There were so many times that he made me angry and sad, especially these last two days, and I envied his perfect little life and how he seemed to be the one who got all he wanted out of this, leaving me in the dust, and god I wanted to drive to his house and tell his wife everything, but it would serve no good. She would be devastated and in the end no one would be happy. Not me, not him, not her. If he ever left her to be with me, I would have wanted it to be because HE was unhappy with his marriage and that they divorced between themselves, not because I instigated the thing. He's not going to leave her, though, not anytime soon anyway, and maybe he never will, so I might as well give her that chance to live out her life happily with him. If he cheats again in the future, she'll find out anyway, but at least this way it's between them and not because I wanted to get some revenge on him. I have nothing against her, nor his children, and I never did. My feelings for him just happened. Not once did I ever ask him to leave his family, and I never intended to. Doing so, even if he did it, would only have ended in him resenting me for "forcing him" to do something. I may be "immoral" in some people's eyes for having an affair to begin with, but Im not a bad person. He isn't a bad person either, per say.....selfish perhaps, in a way, but maybe this time he really means it when he said he had to stop being selfish and focus on his family. If that's what he wants, then maybe its for the best. I hope he's just not deluding himself.

 

As for your other question....I dont really have any plans in place. I still just feel sort of....numb, I guess. His birthday is in two weeks and Im already feeling weak about it, like I can just see myself sending him an email to say happy birthday. I dont think I'd necessarily have the strength or or could handle hearing his voice enough to call, but I could see myself breaking down and sending a small birthday email. Things like this will be tough for me. One of his offices is literally one block from my home. He's there every week and I will see his car as I drive down the street to my apartment. Everytime I see certain books, or watch a Yankees game, or a plethora of other things he's given me or we did together, I'll be reminded of him. On New Year's at midnight I imagine I'll be wondering if he's thought of me like I will think of him.

 

I dont know anymore. I guess it just takes time....last time we broke up, I was lucky enough to meet a guy a month after the break up that I quite liked, and I think liking this other guy was really the only reason I was able to "forget" about MM for that whole year of NC so easily. Even in that NC year I gave in and sent MM a birthday email, but other than that I was pretty good about not contacting him. I fear in a way that being single, alone, and being amidst all the other stress I am currently dealing with, it might be harder to just forget him. Everytime I get drunk I'll be tempted to send an email or a text. I know myself. I wish I had a "plan" but Im sorry to say Ive no idea how Im going to go about handling this year, I guess Im just having to take it one day at a time.

 

Any advice on a plan?

[Cliche]

Kismet, I am so sorry for your pain.

 

And Joybean, I am truly sorry for yours, as well. This post:

 

Kismet, I don't know your whole story or your history with this guy...but as a BS who's husband left to be with the (second) OW after 7 years....of course you are hurting, it is four years of your life wasted on empty promises. (My stbx also "broke up" by phone like a coward, so I am glad you made him step up & confront what he was doing btw.) You deserve a hell of a lot better than that guy and in time you will find a man that has the capacity to love you and only you. Peace.

was one of the classiest of any BS I've seen.

 

Both of you deserve much better men than these. And I have no doubt you'll find them.

[Shannon2008]

Kismet, I agree with you about not telling the wife. I've been in your shoes, and I too did not want to wreck his marriage or risk any emotional trauma to his kids...so I bowed out gracefully....He broke my heart and I don't think I'll ever be the same after that experience...he still tries to enter my life...but he no longer has the same hold on me...

You do have a long road ahead of you before you start feeling normal again...maybe see your primary and get some help with your depression/anxiety. Just know that many of us have been in your shoes and it's a feeling I never want to repeat again.....

I know this is a cliche..but it really does get better with time...be kind to yourself even though I know it's hard as we tend to blame ourselves for getting involved in the first place...but we are only human..and we do make mistakes...

Hugs to you....

[signedin2008]

I know it's hard as we tend to blame ourselves for getting involved in the first place...but we are only human..and we do make mistakes...

Hugs to you....

 

A mistake is when you ordered Coke and the waiter gives you Sprite. That waiter made a mistake. What she did was a decision. A decision to get involved with a married man who had a child and then children. A decision to open her you know what. Those are intentional actions and not some ooops, I drop a glass of milk, what a mistaken mess. It is totally different from intentionally drinking and swallowing the milk. Her affair with someone's husband was not some ooops, what a mess, but an intentinal action again and again and again for 4 years.

[Shannon2008]

A mistake is when you ordered Coke and the waiter gives you Sprite. That waiter made a mistake. What she did was a decision. A decision to get involved with a married man who had a child and then children. A decision to open her you know what. Those are intentional actions and not some ooops, I drop a glass of milk, what a mistaken mess. It is totally different from intentionally drinking and swallowing the milk. Her affair with someone's husband was not some ooops, what a mess, but an intentinal action again and again and again for 4 years.

 

I understand the whole "tough love" thing, really I do..but a reasonable person can see this is not the time for it.

[signedin2008]

I understand the whole "tough love" thing, really I do..but a reasonable person can see this is not the time for it.

 

That was not tough love or an opinion, but simply the truth.