Me and MM broke up. I feel so lost...

[JamesM]

A mistake is when you ordered Coke and the waiter gives you Sprite. That waiter made a mistake. What she did was a decision. A decision to get involved with a married man who had a child and then children. A decision to open her you know what. Those are intentional actions and not some ooops, I drop a glass of milk, what a mistaken mess. It is totally different from intentionally drinking and swallowing the milk. Her affair with someone's husband was not some ooops, what a mess, but an intentinal action again and again and again for 4 years.

 

No, the definition of mistake does not mean the minor ones only. Let me refresh your mind with"

mis·take (m-stk)

n.

1. An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness.

2. A misconception or misunderstanding.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/mistake

 

While the word mistake may sound innocent enough, it applies to major mistakes or minor mistakes. I can make a mistake by turning left in front of a car. The result does not determine the definition. I may die or I may have only a cut or I may have no injury. It is still a mistake.

 

What you have described in your post are accidents.

 

Decisions result in successes or failures. Mistakes and accidents happen as a result of poor judgment or bad decisions. They happen as the result of intentional decisions.

 

Mistakes can happen over and over. It may reflect on someone's intelligence when he or she keeps doing the same thing with the same resulting mistake, but still the definition of mistake does not say that once someone makes the same mistake over more than once, it will have a different name.

 

Take an affair. It may turn out to be a mistake, but if the two parties involved end up married to each other, is it still a mistake? Or is it only a mistake or poor judgment when it messes everyone's lives up? Do the ends justify the means?

 

While it is easy for some to stand in judgment over someone else, remember that one day you or I could be in a similar situation. I certainly do not condone affairs, nor do I think they are minimized by calling them mistakes or poor judgments. But I also think that to now keep kicking someone when they are down with "I told you sos" and "What did you expects" will only bring temporary satisfaction to the criticizer and do nothing for the person who made the mistake.

[JamesM]

That was not tough love or an opinion, but simply the truth.

 

Actually it WAS an opinion...or else it was a lie, because based on the dictionary, it was not the truth.

[Shannon2008]

Actually it WAS an opinion...or else it was a lie, because based on the dictionary, it was not the truth.

She's trolling to get a rise from the OP. It's best to ignore her as she's just out to hurt people even more than they already are.

[norajane]

I wish I had a "plan" but Im sorry to say Ive no idea how Im going to go about handling this year, I guess Im just having to take it one day at a time.

 

Any advice on a plan?

 

The only plan anyone ever has after the end of a relationship with heartbreak is just that - take it one day at a time. At first, you can barely get through the day, much less make any grand plans or act on them. Eventually, you drag yourself through the motions of work, school, paying bills, doing the laundry, and you wallow in ice cream or alcohol or whatever gets you through that night. This is the time when you need to make sure you are eating - cereal and fruit and plain old chocolate will go a long way to sustaining you even though the last thing you want is to eat. Cereal is fortified with vitamins you need, and it doesn't smell like anything so you won't feel like throwing up at the sight of it. Wallow and cry all you need to, but eat, something, every day.

 

Then you get hit with the worst part of it, which is when you look up and realize that you've pinned so much onto this one person, as though they were the most important thing to you ever...but they weren't! You existed long before him! But you can't remember who you were or what you did or what meant anything to you before him. This is a good time to reconnect with your friends and family, start going to the gym again or to kick boxing class or something that will help get rid of your nervous energy. Clean the house from top to bottom. Read your school books and make all your notes. I like to read, so this is when I turn to the piles of books and magazines I've been saving for when I have time. Read mysteries and biographies and your medical texts - anything having nothing to do with relationships or romance. Same with movies and music - stay away from any reminders of love and romance or this guy.

 

You have a lot going on in your life, so you won't have trouble staying busy. If you can get through the first month, you'll feel stronger. Not good, but at least strong enough to know you'll make through eventually.

 

This is the hard work everyone has to do after any kind of break-up. It sucks, but, everyone makes it. You will too!

[KismetGirl]

Kismet, I am so sorry for your pain.

 

And Joybean, I am truly sorry for yours, as well. This post:

 

 

was one of the classiest of any BS I've seen.

 

Both of you deserve much better men than these. And I have no doubt you'll find them.

 

 

I agree. It's refreshing when another human being understands that we're all going through pain in our own way instead of berating someone they dont even know. No one deserves to feel this way....not a BS, an OW. Most people aren't inherently "bad" , despite the mistakes they make, or poor decisions. I hope we all find what we're looking for , one day...

[Shannon2008]

The only plan anyone ever has after the end of a relationship with heartbreak is just that - take it one day at a time. At first, you can barely get through the day, much less make any grand plans or act on them. Eventually, you drag yourself through the motions of work, school, paying bills, doing the laundry, and you wallow in ice cream or alcohol or whatever gets you through that night. This is the time when you need to make sure you are eating - cereal and fruit and plain old chocolate will go a long way to sustaining you even though the last thing you want is to eat. Cereal is fortified with vitamins you need, and it doesn't smell like anything so you won't feel like throwing up at the sight of it. Wallow and cry all you need to, but eat, something, every day.

 

Then you get hit with the worst part of it, which is when you look up and realize that you've pinned so much onto this one person, as though they were the most important thing to you ever...but they weren't! You existed long before him! But you can't remember who you were or what you did or what meant anything to you before him. This is a good time to reconnect with your friends and family, start going to the gym again or to kick boxing class or something that will help get rid of your nervous energy. Clean the house from top to bottom. Read your school books and make all your notes. I like to read, so this is when I turn to the piles of books and magazines I've been saving for when I have time. Read mysteries and biographies and your medical texts - anything having nothing to do with relationships or romance. Same with movies and music - stay away from any reminders of love and romance or this guy.

 

You have a lot going on in your life, so you won't have trouble staying busy. If you can get through the first month, you'll feel stronger. Not good, but at least strong enough to know you'll make through eventually.

 

This is the hard work everyone has to do after any kind of break-up. It sucks, but, everyone makes it. You will too!

 

Good advice and you're right on the money with everything you said...One point I can make in regards to my own experience is that it did change me as a person. I've been through break ups before but this was by far the hardest and did the most damage to my self-esteem....

The pain was enough to prevent me from getting involved with another MM again....that was my one lesson.

I almost got swept away by another fellow...he used the same lines, the same bull****...only this time, I wasn't naive.

You do learn from the experience some tough life lessons.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet, I agree with you about not telling the wife. I've been in your shoes, and I too did not want to wreck his marriage or risk any emotional trauma to his kids...so I bowed out gracefully....He broke my heart and I don't think I'll ever be the same after that experience...he still tries to enter my life...but he no longer has the same hold on me...

You do have a long road ahead of you before you start feeling normal again...maybe see your primary and get some help with your depression/anxiety. Just know that many of us have been in your shoes and it's a feeling I never want to repeat again.....

I know this is a cliche..but it really does get better with time...be kind to yourself even though I know it's hard as we tend to blame ourselves for getting involved in the first place...but we are only human..and we do make mistakes...

Hugs to you....

 

Thanks Shannon

 

I struggled with the notion of telling his wife, but when I really thought about it, the only motivation I really had was in anger, in wanting some kind of revenge at him for "doing this" to me, or making me feel this way. I hate him for having this effect on me, I hated him for having what seemed like the perfect life, having his house, his kids, his wife, and me all at once. it seems so unfair sometimes. I'm an intelligent, attractive, easy going woman when Im not feeling like....this. Always have been so independant and never wanted to rely on anyone, worked my ass off to get to medical school and make something of myself. At the risk of sounding conceited, I know I'm a good catch, I have no problems attracting men , and somehow I ended up falling love with the one man I shouldn't have, that could never give me what I wanted or deserved. Sometimes I wish I had never agreed to get one more drink that night four years ago, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I just went home instead of staying out with him after our other co workers went home, but I try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. Im not sure what the reason for this was, yet, but I imagine that all our experiences shape who we are in the end....it's just so hard right now. I don't think I'll ever be the same after this relationship. In a way it's shaped part of how I see men and relationships...I met MM in my first job right out of college, only 22 years old, and now I'll be 27 years old next year. It's a time in life when alot of changes are happening, more confusing than my teen years or college ever were, a million times more confusing. Im an adult but sometimes I wish I could just be a kid again, with my mum holding me and telling me one day I'll grow up and I can be whatever I want to be and I'll meet a nice boy who will love me and marry me. It all seemed so simple back then. *sigh* and then you grow up....

[KismetGirl]

She's trolling to get a rise from the OP. It's best to ignore her as she's just out to hurt people even more than they already are.

 

 

Thanks again, to you and James for defending. There will always be some people that have nothing better to do than to kick someone when they are already obviously quite down. I just wish some of them would stop and think before they write horrid things....Im holding on by a thread sometimes, it seems, and while I've been depressive to the point of almost ruining everything in my life (work, school, etc), and sometimes wondering if I'd be better of dead, I've never been suicidal to where I would actually go through with it yet, but there are people on here who Im sure do get to that point and people need to think before they post sometimes before they say something that one day makes someone snap. People come to a board like this for support. If someone wants to vent their angers about immorality of an affair, they should take it to the infidelity boards, perhaps. Alas...guess just have to try to ignore them otherwise....

[KismetGirl]

The only plan anyone ever has after the end of a relationship with heartbreak is just that - take it one day at a time. At first, you can barely get through the day, much less make any grand plans or act on them. Eventually, you drag yourself through the motions of work, school, paying bills, doing the laundry, and you wallow in ice cream or alcohol or whatever gets you through that night. This is the time when you need to make sure you are eating - cereal and fruit and plain old chocolate will go a long way to sustaining you even though the last thing you want is to eat. Cereal is fortified with vitamins you need, and it doesn't smell like anything so you won't feel like throwing up at the sight of it. Wallow and cry all you need to, but eat, something, every day.

 

Then you get hit with the worst part of it, which is when you look up and realize that you've pinned so much onto this one person, as though they were the most important thing to you ever...but they weren't! You existed long before him! But you can't remember who you were or what you did or what meant anything to you before him. This is a good time to reconnect with your friends and family, start going to the gym again or to kick boxing class or something that will help get rid of your nervous energy. Clean the house from top to bottom. Read your school books and make all your notes. I like to read, so this is when I turn to the piles of books and magazines I've been saving for when I have time. Read mysteries and biographies and your medical texts - anything having nothing to do with relationships or romance. Same with movies and music - stay away from any reminders of love and romance or this guy.

 

You have a lot going on in your life, so you won't have trouble staying busy. If you can get through the first month, you'll feel stronger. Not good, but at least strong enough to know you'll make through eventually.

 

This is the hard work everyone has to do after any kind of break-up. It sucks, but, everyone makes it. You will too!

 

 

Norajane-

 

You took some of the words right out of my own thoughts. I've been feeling so badly that I've lost 12 pounds in less than a month because I havent been eating. Im not starving myself, I've just had no appetite. I try to eat and become nauseous. I had half an apple and a cup of tea today. Tried to eat a sandwich and couldnt force more than a bite. Its gotten worse the past week because I knew what MM was going to do, after he freaked out when his wife's brother found a text message I had sent him when they were hanging out one night, even though it was anonymous and innocent, not flirty or sexual in nature but when he asked MM who this was MM fumbled over himself trying to give an answer (he's never been a very good liar....sigh.)

 

I know I need to busy or distract myself but its hard. Its like Im frozen. Ive been missing more days of work than I should, calling out sick. Ive had so much anxiety and depressive episodes that my therapist got me an intemittent leave of absense from work which basically lets me call out sick as much as I need to until the end of the year, except I dont get paid for the time Im out which doesnt help my financial situation but most days lately i wake up in the morning and i just panic at the thought of having to see people. They all see how upset ive looked at work lately....even my own patients keep asking me if i have the flu or something because i look so miserable all the time. I fall behind on my paperwork. when I come home instead of studying the massive amount that I need to I sit on my couch numbly and stare at the TV because its a way of distracting myself without having to think. I was in the lab the other day performing some routine lab tests and kept effing up totally simple things that Im normally quite good at. Spilt bloody sulfuric acid all over my arm which, in case you've never done, hurts like a b**ch after about two seconds and I was so distracted I didn't notice I'd done it till my whole forearm was burning like I'd set it on fire. I actually have to be at the hospital in about 6 hours and I can't sleep at all. So im sitting here typing instead hoping staring at the screen will make me tired enough so i get at least a couple hours before i have to drag myself to work.

 

But hell....Im hoping that this is the worst it gets and that it has to gt better from here....right? Yeah.

 

I wonder if he hurts even one one-hundredth of as much as I do. I don't know how I manage to keep things together when in my head I feel so haphazard but somehow I have managed to get this far in school and Im just praying I dont mess it up. I have asked a couple of girlfriends and my sister to have a girl's night with me next weekend, hoping that will take my mind of things. I havent done anything like that in ages. Normally when i do anytning social lately i end up sitting in the corner with a beer in front of my staring at the wall, with people intermittedly asking me why Im not being my usual outgoing and funny self, and I just mumble something about being tired.

 

Alright, i can see by the way this post is starting to ramble instead of really making any sense that Im becoming delirious, which i guess is to be expected considering ive slept 5 hours in two days and eaten a combined 900 calories over the course of three days so I'll go try to make attempt to sleep now, but please keep writing me, it helps to keep me somewhat sane, I think. Thank you all for the kind words so far, sometimes I think you are more helpful than my therapist is :-)

[JamesM]

She's trolling to get a rise from the OP. It's best to ignore her as she's just out to hurt people even more than they already are.

 

I cannot ignore it, because to KG, silence can mean agreement. Sometimes it is necessary to speak up and let the OP know that this type of post is not what most of us think.

 

KG, while you are having a difficult time, I see from your words that you are thinking this through.

 

I don't have advice either, because I was in a relationship while single that was not good for me, yet I went back to her three times. The only way that I "escaped" was by meeting another woman. Maybe I could have done so without the new woman, but she certainly helped.And now she is my wife.

 

As NJ said, one day at a time. And when he returns, it will be a refusal to take him back if needs be every day.

[Shannon2008]

I cannot ignore it, because to KG, silence can mean agreement. Sometimes it is necessary to speak up and let the OP know that this type of post is not what most of us think.

 

.

 

Good point, I called her out in my thread as well.....

[norajane]

I know it's so hard now, but I promise you there will come a time when you will have to think hard to recall this pain. Oh, you will remember it when you look back, but you won't FEEL it when you think of it. It will take time, but you will get through. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and a lot of love. This is temporary.

 

Something that has helped me in the past is to kinda schedule the pain, compartmentalize it. When you're at work and you find yourself unfocused, take some deep breaths and remind yourself that you will have plenty of time to think about this when you get home, but RIGHT NOW you are working. Over time, schedule less and less time to think about it until you stop entirely. It takes practice and self-discipline, but you're in med school...you have self-discipline or you wouldn't have made it there.

[OpenBook]

Kismet I am so sorry you're going through this. How familiar it all is to me!! -- the rapid weight loss, the overwhelming despair, how everything is dull and gray and lifeless... and just getting out of bed is a major undertaking.

 

I've been there, more times than I care to count... once with a MM, like you (a lo-o-o-ng time ago), and several times with SG's, over the course of my life.

 

What got me through it each time, was what a couple of other posters have already offered - one day at a time (or in my case, one miserable step at a time - an entire day was waaaaaay too long to deal with). Just keep going. Just BECAUSE. Out of spite.

 

And get away from him!! This is crucial. I understand you no longer work with him... so you don't have to face him every day. That's a blessing. The longer you can keep from actually physically seeing him, the quicker your strength will return.

 

One more thing I wanted to mention that worked for me, but I have no idea if it would work for you or anyone else, but just in case it might help -- I could not deal AT ALL with anything related to hope. About him, about my life, about anything. The pain was too fresh to try to hope for anything good to happen to me, ever again. The advice "One day you'll meet a nice boy and get married" drove me absolutely nuts. So I just didn't deal with hope at all. I told myself to get back to the basics - that this is what I knew all along - life is hard, it's not supposed to be light and magical all the time. It's a series of dreary drudgery chores to complete; but those chores are meaningful and contribute to the greater good. I'm just a pawn in God's great universal plan.

 

In some odd and twisted way, it helped get me through the darkest hours.

 

So keep going, Kismet! And even though you may not be able to hope or wish the best for yourself right now, there are others out here in cyberland who are crossing their fingers on your behalf, and cheering you on. [[[hugs]]]

[sigh]

Kismet,

 

I am giving you the biggest, warmest bear hug I possibly can!!

I wish I had some great advice for you, but I do not. I have just gone through it myself. The pain is unbearable at times. I couldn't get out of bed for days. I just cried and cried. I needed pills to sleep and could not eat.

I am slowly starting to come out at the other end now, with a rocking body from the weight loss .

I just wanted to give you some support as I know how tough those first few weeks were for me.

 

Big hugs!!!

[jwi71]

Hmmm....tell the W or not?

 

I think you should. The main line of support for not telling her is that "ignorance is bliss". That it only serves to hurt her. Patently false. Ignorance is not bliss and telling her can only bring about positive change.

 

How can she address the problems in her marriage if she is ignorant of them? How can they even attempt reconciliation if she is blissfully ignorant that such is needed? I am reminded of the phrase "where there is smoke there is fire" - well this poor woman is unaware of even the smoke! How can she possibly face the fire?

 

An A is symptomatic of an M in trouble. Something is wrong. However, the A doesn't address what's wrong. Only an escape. An escape you provided KG. But you only served the H - not the BS who also lives in the broken M. By telling her of the A, she must now also face the broken M (she may not be as aware as you think).

 

Yes, it will devastate her. Yes, your MM will hate you (that's a good thing though). But it will force them to address the M - and either work on it or divorce. No one on this planet can predict how they will react to infidelity. Period. Don't try and guess her reactions. Or how it will affect the children. If they are good parents, they can minimize it - there are literally hundreds of thousands of well adjusted kids of divorced parents. And if they don't divorce, they can hide it from the kids - after all, he has hidden it from his W for years.

 

If you do not tell the W, he will find solace in another woman's bed. He will not address his M and he will replace you with another. Another A. Another escape. Nothing changes. She will be blissfully ignorant of the true state of her M. Her world is burning down around her and she is not aware of even the smoke. She will be still be the victim.

 

Tell her. It gives them the chance to heal. Or divorce. Her choice. After the hell of your revelation passes, they either work on the M or divorce. Either way, its better for him, her and the kids.

 

The only possible result of telling all is good. So, tell her.

[norajane]

Hmmm....tell the W or not?

 

I think you should.

 

Yes, it will devastate her.

 

The only possible result of telling all is good. So, tell her.

 

In this case, I disagree wholeheartedly. Yes, his wife will be devastated and, from what I've read here of Kismet's state of mind, frankly, I don't think Kismet is emotionally or mentally healthy enough to deal with the fall-out. She would have to face a woman (figuratively, if not literally) who is devastated by this information, who will likely ask for details, and who will likely be very angry as well as hurt.

 

I don't see how it would be good for Kismet to face her hurt and anger. Nor do I see how it would do her much good to mire herself further in this guy's marriage and or destruction of his marriage. Kismet is already battling clinical depression; putting herself through more emotional trauma isn't helpful at this point in time.

[jwi71]

In this case, I disagree wholeheartedly. Yes, his wife will be devastated and, from what I've read here of Kismet's state of mind, frankly, I don't think Kismet is emotionally or mentally healthy enough to deal with the fall-out. She would have to face a woman (figuratively, if not literally) who is devastated by this information, who will likely ask for details, and who will likely be very angry as well as hurt.

 

I don't see how it would be good for Kismet to face her hurt and anger. Nor do I see how it would do her much good to mire herself further in this guy's marriage and or destruction of his marriage. Kismet is already battling clinical depression; putting herself through more emotional trauma isn't helpful at this point in time.

 

Norajane you have made some substantial leaps in what I said. I said nothing about having KG hang around and face this woman - nor answer detailed questions. That is for her MM to do - not KG. We have no idea how the BW will react - its impossible to know. Please stop guessing.

 

KG has proven on more than one occasion that she is incapable of ending this. This is, like I said, killing her slowly. End it. The only way to end it is to tell the W. Period. Free of the wondering, the guilt and everything else this A is sucking from her. Once the W is fully aware, KG's role is over. Her MM either gets divorced or they work on the M. In the ultimate irony, the woman KG is helping to destroy (only slightly, the MM is the real killer - of two women nonetheless) is the one who can best help KG.

 

Tell the W. The A ends. KG will not have to worry about her MM coming back to reignite an A. This is the benefit to her - it breaks this cycle.

 

And who knows...maybe her MM gets divorced and KG gets her man legitiamtely. Or maybe her MM and the BS work thorugh this, reconnect and live happily ever after. And KG moves on w/o her MM coming back to start up the A again (one KG cannot resist). Everyone move forward.

 

All I know is KG has been here before on more than one occasion. And the cycle continues. Take decisive action. Sorry, but anyone saying otherwise only further perpetuates this.

 

Tell all. It benefits everyone, mostly the BS but KG as well.

[Frances]

Tell all. It benefits everyone, mostly the BS but KG as well.

 

 

Who will it benefit? Not the bs I may assure you, Not KG, she would have to live with not only her own pain but the pain she would eventually feel by inflicting it on the bs.

 

I do feel that someone should have to go through pain because of the affair THE MM, he has all the information, neither the ow or the bs know all the details, know all the lies he has told. He should feel the pain and I HOPE he will in time.

His wife will find out at some stage, he will slip up and hopefully get his just rewards.

 

KG needs to get on with her life, she is young, she needs to put the past behind her. As most have said one day at a time. MM has stolen enough of her youth let him not steal anymore.

 

I wish you well and I hope you meet someone who is free to love you and who will be honest and look after your heart.

[nadiaj2727]

 

What you do with the time is what heals. And I hope KG starts making changes, starting by handing in her resignation.

 

I completely agree with jwi. I know that you are sad about what has happened to you in the past. But *now* is the time to take positive steps in the present and future and take control over your own life. I think that for once your guy did the honorable and honest thing by telling you straight up what his priorities are. There are many guys that would string along an OW forever, as long as she was willing. I know it is hard to do right now but try to realize that his being honest is what is best for everyone involved here: you, himself, his wife, his children. My advice, and I have kind of been where you are, is to take time to deal with it and heal yourself by living the kind of life you really want to live. Be proud of yourself. You are all you've got and everything else changes... especially in this type of situation. I think this is one of those times where it seems to be the darkest just before the dawn... good luck to you.

[nadiaj2727]

A mistake is when you ordered Coke and the waiter gives you Sprite. That waiter made a mistake. What she did was a decision. A decision to get involved with a married man who had a child and then children. A decision to open her you know what. Those are intentional actions and not some ooops, I drop a glass of milk, what a mistaken mess. It is totally different from intentionally drinking and swallowing the milk. Her affair with someone's husband was not some ooops, what a mess, but an intentinal action again and again and again for 4 years.

 

For what it's worth, in my opinion and experience, an affair is *both* a mistake and a decision (for both the cheater and the one helping the cheater). I agree with you that it is unproductive to continue the same bad decision or mistake over and over again. But I also believe that anyone can learn from mistakes or bad decisions and start making the *right* decisions.

 

But I don't think this is relevant because I haven't read where the OP herself viewed the relationship as a mistake or a bad decision (but then again I haven't read all of the posts), and I think that is the starting point, and the *whole* point. If she doesn't think it was a mistake or a bad decision, that's her prerogative, and no matter how frustrating it may be to us, why fight over it, why try to convince her? In my experience that hasn't worked. Either a person is there or they aren't. And I don't mean that in a judgmental way like they have to say they feel guilty and beg for forgiveness blah blah blah. I just mean that I don't think they will be happy and live a happy life until they examine what a good life means to them and whether they've been living it.

 

I believe that a good life cannot include lying, betrayal, sneaking around, or justifying any of the above. But I was once someone who did all of those things. And I was unhappy until I "got" it. I "got" it from within and I'm hoping that OP will too. If not, it's not up to us to beat it into her, plus it doesn't work.

[signedin2008]

I believe that a good life cannot include lying, betrayal, sneaking around, or justifying any of the above. But I was once someone who did all of those things. And I was unhappy until I "got" it. I "got" it from within and I'm hoping that OP will too. If not, it's not up to us to beat it into her, plus it doesn't work.

 

I am wondering how you're doing. Are you re-engaged to your ex-fiance? Are you and your married man still working together? And if so, how is that going? Do you plan to tell his wife in the near or distant future about what happened?

[GreenEyedLady]

I am wondering how you're doing. Are you re-engaged to your ex-fiance? Are you and your married man still working together? And if so, how is that going? Do you plan to tell his wife in the near or distant future about what happened?

 

This is not Nadia's thread. Please PM her. It's rude to take someone's thread off-topic.

[KismetGirl]

For what it's worth, in my opinion and experience, an affair is *both* a mistake and a decision (for both the cheater and the one helping the cheater). I agree with you that it is unproductive to continue the same bad decision or mistake over and over again. But I also believe that anyone can learn from mistakes or bad decisions and start making the *right* decisions.

 

But I don't think this is relevant because I haven't read where the OP herself viewed the relationship as a mistake or a bad decision (but then again I haven't read all of the posts), and I think that is the starting point, and the *whole* point. If she doesn't think it was a mistake or a bad decision, that's her prerogative, and no matter how frustrating it may be to us, why fight over it, why try to convince her? In my experience that hasn't worked. Either a person is there or they aren't. And I don't mean that in a judgmental way like they have to say they feel guilty and beg for forgiveness blah blah blah. I just mean that I don't think they will be happy and live a happy life until they examine what a good life means to them and whether they've been living it.

 

I believe that a good life cannot include lying, betrayal, sneaking around, or justifying any of the above. But I was once someone who did all of those things. And I was unhappy until I "got" it. I "got" it from within and I'm hoping that OP will too. If not, it's not up to us to beat it into her, plus it doesn't work.

 

 

Can only speak for myself....all affairs , like all personal events, are individual to the people involved in many ways. They are similiar to other's situations, but no two are exactly alike. No, it wasn't the best decision I ever made to get involved with MM. But loving him wasn't a decision. It just happened. One might argue that was a result of my decision to keep seeing him, but I always felt something for him, from the moment i met him I was drawn to him and the whole year we worked together it was a struggle for me to keep from even flirting with him, knowing he was married, but the moment he kissed me that night....forget it, I was done for.

 

How can you say it was a mistake to love someone? I don't know anymore. If me and him ended up together, would it then no longer be a mistake? Is it only a mistake when the OW and MM do NOT end up together? If me and MM had ended up together, and had children, and were happy, would that all have been a mistake too just because it came from an affair? Everything is dependant on how you look at it , isn't it. Everything, I like to think, happens for a reason. Maybe as a result of all this, his marriage will actually be better. Maybe he realized he was an idiot for risking his family and will try harder to make his marriage work. Or maybe eventually they will get divorced when their children are older and the dynamic of the household changes. Who knows.

 

Right now all I know is that telling his wife will accomplish nothing. It'll make her miserable, when she is quite happy otherwise right now. It will make him hate me, and to be honest, Im not sure I can handle the thought of him hating me right now. Hard enough to know someone you love can't be with you when they like you back. When they despise you for being vengeful, Im not sure I couldnt deal with that right now.

 

Right now all I feel is sad, depressing numbness. I wake up, I crawl out of bed, and all I feel is loneliness. I don't want to brush my hair, shave my legs, go to work, nothing. I sat today doing mind numbing lab reports that I don't really have to think much to do because otherwise I would have lay in bed staring at the walls thinking about how effing lonely I feel. I slept all day yesterday after I got home from the hospital. I have off work on Wed and he was supposed to come over that day, and now he isn't, so when I wake up in the morning that's the first thing I'll be thinking. That I could have spent the day laying in bed with him and cuddling and feeling happy and instead I'll lay there alone. It's like any other break up, I guess. A crushing feeling that someone you loved for four years won't be with you, except its not because they didn't think you would be a good match. It's cause they're already committed and have their children with someone else.

 

Sadly numb. that's the only way I know how to express what Im feeling right now. If I didn't have to go to the hospital yesteday morning, I wouldn't have left my house since friday.

*sigh*

[NoIDidn't]

Because his wife is living in blissful ignorance of what happened. She might have had some clues, but she doesn't know for sure, and now that it's over, she never has to know. She'll be happier not knowing. Ignorance is bliss, from the perspective of that person who is in ignorance. Get what Im saying?

 

No, I don't. I don't share this sentiment.

 

Please consider telling his wife. IF he almost got caught twice, then she suspects. She is not living is blissful ignorance. She is living in painful limbo. Suspecting and almost ready to prove but dealing with a gaslighting liar.

 

She'll be happier knowing. It will be hard to tell her. Don't threaten him with it. Don't even bother telling him. Tell her because he put your health and hers and his children's health at risk by having sex with the two of you while she was pregnant. This is the reason she needs to know. Not to make her kick him out, but to protect herself. You already knew what was going on and weren't pregnant, so this doesn't pertain to you.

[2sure]

I have followed this thread and Kismit girl's posts since they started.

As a BS, and feeling honest empathy for Kismit, I felt I had nothing to offer that other posters have not.

 

I just want to briefly add one point.

 

While it is not ideally Kismit's job - I agree that the wife should be told.

I also agree that right now is just to hard a time for Kismit to take this on.

I understand that she may feel the wife is better off not knowing more, but I have to say - that is not a decision for Kismit to make.

 

Kismit, whats done is done. This is a painful and negative part of your life. You are letting go and moving on. We all have regret. Many of us have experience of self inflicted damage which we have to forgive ourselves for. Many of us have inflicted damage on others, and often times have no opportunity to turn that around. So, we carry it with us.

 

What I'm saying is if not now, then soon, if you could possibly find it in yourself to tell his wife...you would be doing something hard but good for both her and for yourself.

 

Just think about it, not now maybe - but before the opportunity to truly do some good here is lost.