Me and MM broke up. I feel so lost...

[jj33]

I would have to disagree with the other posters on the subject of telling his W. Everyone who says that has been cheated on and wishes they had known.

 

Fair enough. But everyone is different. Given the off chance that this BS would prefer NOT to know, why tell her?

 

Its way too stressful for Kismet and who does it help? Theoretically she would want to know. But she has her H back. They will rebuild their marriage however they go about doing that. If he chooses to tell his W that is up to him. God knows Kismet could tell her and not be believed .... I dont think its her place to tell.

 

The H was the one who did the wandering. The H was the one who made the vows to the W. It is HIS job to tell his wife that he is a lying cheating coward who lacked the b**** to try to confront the issues in his marriage head on.

 

It is not Kismet's role to intervene in this matter.

[noforgiveness]

It is not Kismet's role to intervene in this matter.

I find it so humorous that the other woman can go right along playing third wheel in a womans life and help a man sneak out on his family all the time but when it comes time for accountablility It's not her role to intervene. UMMM HELLOOOOO HOW LONG HAS THIS WOMAN BEEN INTERVENING IN THIS MARRIAGE WITHOUT THE WIFE EVEN KNOWING?

Sheeesh I am so sick of the we did not take vows crap. It's called telling yourself whatever you need to tell yourself so your dispicable actions don't make you feel bad.

[2sure]

It is not Kismet's role to intervene in this matter.

 

JJ - I agree, it shouldnt be her job.

 

But still, a part of me cant help but think that this is a way to not only get closure, but also to make amends, or pay it forward, right a wrong.

Hard yes, maybe impossible.

 

Maybe as you said, the wife is choosing NOT to know (if that case, all bets are off) .

 

For me personally, I have regret that there are a few things in my past that I did wrong and have not made right. Who doesnt? I'd just like to see OP carry around some hard but good Karma and not looking over her shoulder for the bad. (Probably like I do. )

 

But yes, possibly this cannot and will not be done.

[whichwayisup]

It isn't up to KG to tell the wife. I mean his wife wasn't a consideration in her mind when the A was on-going and she certainly had no thoughts of ever telling the wife when the A was going well. It's only when the A goes sour, the need to tell comes into play. And it's usually revenge driven.

 

Her closure has to come within and going full on NC is the only way to go. Telling his wife will only bring more drama into KG's life.

[noforgiveness]

It isn't up to KG to tell the wife. I mean his wife wasn't a consideration in her mind when the A was on-going and she certainly had no thoughts of ever telling the wife when the A was going well. It's only when the A goes sour, the need to tell comes into play. And it's usually revenge driven.

 

Her closure has to come within and going full on NC is the only way to go. Telling his wife will only bring more drama into KG's life.

 

 

Actually NO. His wife was a constant consideration. That's why she could not pick up the phone and call him whenever she wanted. She thought of his wife all the time when she was alone each weekend. She was VERY involved with her marriage and she didn't even know it. Well now it's time she let's everyone know how involved she was in another woman's life.

[norajane]

How can you say it was a mistake to love someone? I don't know anymore. If me and him ended up together, would it then no longer be a mistake? Is it only a mistake when the OW and MM do NOT end up together? If me and MM had ended up together, and had children, and were happy, would that all have been a mistake too just because it came from an affair? Everything is dependant on how you look at it , isn't it.

It's a mistake when "someone's" needs come before your own, when you accept less than what you want so that "someone" can maintain the status quo with his wife, when your relationship with "someone" means you are anxious, stressed, and upset the whole time except when you block everything out during the few stolen hours you are together, and when you fall in love with "someone" who can't give you a complete relationship out in the open because he has children, a wife, a life that takes precedence over you while that "someone" is your priority.

[jwi71]

Fair enough. But everyone is different. Given the off chance that this BS would prefer NOT to know, why tell her?

 

In my opinion, KG tells to end this vicious cycle shes in. The A cools, sometimes for a year, then rekindles itself. KG still trapped. Still wasting years. Still in pain. She tells for her benefit and the BS. If she could break the cycle on her own, then maybe I would agree. But she can't. Time for some drastic and painful actions. Like telling the wife.

 

Its way too stressful for Kismet and who does it help? Theoretically she would want to know. But she has her H back. They will rebuild their marriage however they go about doing that. If he chooses to tell his W that is up to him. God knows Kismet could tell her and not be believed .... I dont think its her place to tell.

 

It helps everyone JJ. The W is now aware of the shambles and lies that is her M. It helps the MM - he is now forced with divorce or actually working on the M. It helps KG by killing this A once and for all. There is great potential for good here - but KG has to take it. Because that poor W will never know if KG doesn't step up.

 

And I bet the BS believes - she already suspects. And I'm sure KG has plenty of proof.

 

The H was the one who did the wandering. The H was the one who made the vows to the W. It is HIS job to tell his wife that he is a lying cheating coward who lacked the b**** to try to confront the issues in his marriage head on.

 

Yup. KG only gets a portion of the blame. Most belongs to that SoB. And what on Earth makes you think he will grow a pair and act honorably? He has been stringing KG along, feeding her lies, feeding the W lies and lies to his kids. Doesn't this W deserve to know what she is married to?

 

This isn't about revenge or bitterness or anger or rage or jealousy or the realization that his W does come first after all. Its about forcing change.

Chang in KG, change in the BS and change in that SoB.

 

Its a growth opportunity. For KG. The BS. And even the MM.

 

But it doesn't happen if KG doesn't step up and do it. Time for her to grow up and see a larger more important picture than herself. Calling you out KG - you gotta do this.

 

Yes, it will be hard. Harder than you imagine. And yes, you fell smaller than you feel now. Yes, she will hate you. She will blame you. So will he. But its more lies. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT (completely). Its his fault. She will, in time, realize this.

 

There are some secrets that should be kept. This is not one of them.

[NoIDidn't]

Actually NO. His wife was a constant consideration. That's why she could not pick up the phone and call him whenever she wanted. She thought of his wife all the time when she was alone each weekend. She was VERY involved with her marriage and she didn't even know it. Well now it's time she let's everyone know how involved she was in another woman's life.

 

 

Nf and I don't agree on alot. But this I agree with, WWIU.

 

His wife was a constant consideration. How is she not when the conversation instantly goes to "his wife is blissfully unaware of what we shared" (not a real quote) type talk?

 

Its obvious that the wife has been a constant consideration - all the kids they've added in that time only make KG more upset about the affair.

 

Its a lie to one's self to claim, as the OW in this case, that the wife isn't on her mind.

[NoIDidn't]

I would have to disagree with the other posters on the subject of telling his W. Everyone who says that has been cheated on and wishes they had known.

 

Fair enough. But everyone is different. Given the off chance that this BS would prefer NOT to know, why tell her?

 

Its way too stressful for Kismet and who does it help? Theoretically she would want to know. But she has her H back. They will rebuild their marriage however they go about doing that. If he chooses to tell his W that is up to him. God knows Kismet could tell her and not be believed .... I dont think its her place to tell.

 

The H was the one who did the wandering. The H was the one who made the vows to the W. It is HIS job to tell his wife that he is a lying cheating coward who lacked the b**** to try to confront the issues in his marriage head on.

 

It is not Kismet's role to intervene in this matter.

 

 

I am usually one that does not want to know, but in this case - I'd insist on knowing. This woman could have suffered miscarriages because her husband was sleeping with someone else. She could have had bacteria in her that the doctors found that made her have to have certain interventions during her pregnancies and deliveries because of it.

 

And it helps KG put an end to his breaking it off and coming back. If nothing else. I am not saying that it would be easy. But this betrayed wife deserves the truth from the other person that helped betray her since her lying husband isn't going to do it.

 

Its a little late for any OP to claim that its not their right to intervene after four years, jj. Four months, maybe. Four years? No effing way would I not want to know.

[jaffas]

I really and honestly feel your pain. I know the feeling of descending into the big black hole because I have been there.

 

the most important thing you need to remember is that the pain you feel now is not a sign of the love in your relationship, but of your capacity to love someone. that's an amazing gift to give but this man does not deserve it from you. it is yours to give and yours to take away. take that power back.

 

when I was with my MM the one thing that was constantly on my mind was his capacity to lie and deceive. he was incredibly loving and caring towards me, but the lies and brazen way he deceived his partner astounded me. I knew we could never be together because I could never trust him not to do the same thing to me as he was doing to his partner.

 

an important point about love: we all say that our MM 'love' us and that we 'love' them. it wasn't until I realised that our definitions of love meant very different things that I was able to move on. my definition of love had so much more depth than his which was why I constantly felt disappointed and hurt at his inability to leave his partner like he promised he would. he didn't love me in the way that I define it. despite his constant verbal declarations of 'love' I realised he really just liked hanging out with someone shiny and new.

 

remember that this will only truly end for you if you want it to.

[KismetGirl]

I do appreciate everyone's differing opinions ....but I am not going to tell his wife.

 

I was looking today, at photos of them online. Photos of the whole family on facebook. Looking happy. So, so happy. The three kids, the wife, MM, MM's parents, his wife's sister, the whole clan. Sat and stared at photos of them as if they would come walking out of those damn photos if i stared long enough. Imagined them sitting around their table having thanksgiving dinner today. I was never going to ask him to leave her or his kids. I couldn't help but fall in love with him, and while I didnt want to take him away from his family, a part of me just wanted to have him once in a while, as opposed to having nothing from him. One day I believed that I might find someone else to make me feel even a little bit this way, but for now it was worth it to me to have what little "relationship" I had with him. He made me feel....loved. Wanted. Sexy. Pretty. Amazing. And deep inside, even though I knew his family would always come first, that he wouldn't choose me over his kids.....deep inside I also knew that he loved me. You can love more than one person at once. He loves his wife, he loves me in a different way. His kids, though, his family, that is the most important thing to him and I always knew that, I really did. And I also knew that he was always torn between his feelings for me, and his feelings of responsibility and love for his family, and living the double life was killing us both.

 

His wife has no idea what he has done. Sure, she might have suspected several times. I think she thought me and him had an EA a couple years ago, but she never had proof of anything further. She probably just had that "feeling that something is not right", but she had no proof. But, now that the affair is over, there are no more reasons to cause suspicion. He won't come home "smelling funny" (eg- like sex) anymore. He won't get text messages from me that she can find. he won't come home an hour later than expected sometimes (well, not because of me, anyway). She goes back to her happy life, without further suspicion. Why should both of us be miserable? My telling her of this affair, it helps no one. It is based on revenge, on my wanting him to feel even one tenth of the pain I feel. Im not a horrid person to do something out of wanting revenge. Her ignorance of what has happened, is her bliss. I know that BS's on here will think that that wished they had known, after the fact, but if they'd never found out, and their spouse had never done it again....well, then no one is hurt, really. If Im married to someone for 20 years and they cheated on me for two years, but I never ever found out about it, how can i be hurt.

 

I know everyone here thinks he's just going to go cheat on her again with someone else, but I don't think he will. I know him very well.....none of you know him. Me and him had a very....odd dynamic. Don't know how to describe it. It's been only me, on an off, for years. It isn't just about sex, it never was. I know he sleeps with his wife regularly. They have an emotional disconnect, but they are otherwise happy.....for now.

Will they get divorced in the future? Maybe. maybe when the kids are grown and they are forced to focus on their own dynamic, rather than all the focus being on the kids as it is now, maybe then they will really grow apart, but that isnt going to happen anytime soon.

 

I don't know that I will ever love anyone the way I love him, but I hope I love someone again, and I think I will....but it will take a long time. These days are the hardest right now.....everything reminds me of him. Everywhere I turn I see a place we've been, a joke we had, the bouquet of roses he bought me that I can't seem to throw away, the book he bought me. for god's sake, the throw pillow on my bed still smells like his cologne. I spend my days feeling empty and sick. I go through the motions, writing labs, seeing patients, studying numbly and wondering how I manage to freaking remember anything at all, and ALL I want is just to feel him hug me one more time.

 

I need a reccomendation letter from a previous employer, so I was forced to call him for the first time since we broke up to ask him to write it for me, and hearing his voice on the phone...god. I know what he sounds like when he is upset and doesn't want anyone to know. He takes on this very particular , almost overly enthusiastic tone to avoid anyone knowing how upset he really is. As soon as he heard it was me I could tell in his voice that he misses me as much as I miss him and it kills me. But all I said, numbly, was that I needed him to write me a letter and that I'd email him where to send it. And I hung up. And I closed my office door and I cried.

 

Im not sure how long this is supposed to last....I wish I could see into the future to know how it would all turn out sometimes....

[Reggie]

No contact will speed things along,I would guess.

When you see these photos of his family, you need to start thinking that, maybe, you can have something similar with an available man, a family, if that is what you want.

We are amazing creatures. We all seem to think that we have one special person walking the earth while we do, that can make us feel in love. The reality is that there are many, many people with whom we could have this feeling. For years, you deprived yourself of opportunities to meet such people, in reliance on your affair. Now, you are free to find an available guy, hopefully one either without a history of cheating or someone who has done the work and owned past mistakes. You could use some help with that work, as well. Good luck.

[Shannon2008]

My suggestion would be to STOP looking at his facebook page. Looking at happy pictures of his family is like a slow torture to yourself. Why put yourself through that? The first step to healing is distance. Not only no-contact, but also no searches for photo's or info on his family/wife.

When I was deep into my relationship I'd run searches to try to get at least ONE pic of his wife...could never find one...He kept photos of his kids all over his apt...but never one of her...Now, I know I am better off for not having that info.

So for your own self-esteem and sanity refrain for looking at those pics. You are at a fragile state right now, why compound it?

[pelicanpreacher]

I'm confused here. Your MM says he and is wife are emotionally disconnected which implies that they are living as roommates instead of lovers yet he still routinely shares intimancy with her and has produced children throughout the affair from their continual procreation? If she has emotionally disconnected as he's stipulated then why on earth would he have any fear of her snooping or finding out from her brother about an affair he's having if she couldn't care less what he's doing in the first place? If in fact she has emotionally disconnected from their marriage to the degree he says she is then why would he have such a fear of D-Day if she's already checked out of the relationship and would likely give him an amicable divorce if he asked for it? He doesn't sound like a complete moron so where would his fear of losing his children emminate from if he, already knowing his rights, would be able to secure 50% custody with little difficulty? If she is as unhappy with the marriage as he portrays then why are you able to read such happy radiance from pictures of her posted on his facebook page?

 

If we are an amalgamation of all past and present animal species on this planet then your MM's DNA is comprised of more tick than human. Yes, he is well groomed and shampooed but he is still a tick nevertheless. Your problem, as I see it, is that, in your need to be loved, you'd rather envision him as the soulmate you wish for than the gruesomely ugly bloated tick that he is. You're so intoxicated on the venom he's infused into your system that you can only see positive good into every lie that he's told and have convinced yourself to superglue your rose colored glasses onto your face. Its proven that a tick's venom can cause everything from hallucinations to joint damage and paralysis so it's not surprising that you feel the pain you do while still admiring his positive humanlike qualities now that its fed and shed of you. Don't you worry though for this tick will get hungry again and, since you insist on being an easy meal (as this is the second time you've allowed this), it'll be back to feed so you may as well keep your rose colored glasses where they sit!

[whichwayisup]

Whatever your MM has told you about the status of his marriage, is a lie. He has more than likely exaggerated how things are between himself and his wife - TO keep you interested in him.

 

Do yourself a favour, stop checking out his life online...If you plan on letting go and healing, NC means NC in everyway possible.

[bentnotbroken]

Your dynamic with MM was no different than any other. You were ow and he was married. And you don't owe his wife anything, but you should do the right thing for once. It appears that your self esteem isn't strong enough to do the right thing for yourself, so it is expected that you won't do the right thing for her either.

[SierraRose]

We don't always choose who we fall in love with, if we did then we would never have to suffer heartbreak. The best thing you can do now is cry, get it out. I know the pain seems like it will never go away, but eventually it will. One day you will wake up and realize it doesn't hurt so much and everyday from there on it will get better. Good luck to you.

[NoIDidn't]

We don't always choose who we fall in love with, if we did then we would never have to suffer heartbreak.

 

This line of thinking is the perfect making of a victim mentality. And its not true.

 

We do choose who we fall in love with - or you could just as easily fall in love with the first bum you meet on the street. But you don't. Because you won't even let them get close enough for that to happen.

 

We choose who we will let into our hearts and minds. And if we do get our hearts broken, hopefully we will learn from it not just suffer through it.

[Reggie]

This line of thinking is the perfect making of a victim mentality. And its not true.

 

We do choose who we fall in love with - or you could just as easily fall in love with the first bum you meet on the street. But you don't. Because you won't even let them get close enough for that to happen.

 

We choose who we will let into our hearts and minds. And if we do get our hearts broken, hopefully we will learn from it not just suffer through it.

 

This is so true. Seems thre is a fundamental difference between how many OM/OW's view starting relationships. The fundamental difference I see , repeatedly, is the willingness of an OM/OW to abdicate control. Seems their view of romance is less mature as we often see terms like "soulmate" used, a term I consider very naive.

If you look at some of these scenarios, with OM/OW's hanging around for years, foregoing other opportunities while being thrown a bone, coupled witht their seeming inability to take responsibility for the pain they cause others, it is apparent that development was arrested at a very young age. Many cling to the indefensible notion that they are not cheating because they made no pledge to the Ws's spouse. This is so illogical and self serving, it is hard to imagine a healthy,person of normal intelligence mouthing it.

[wildsoul]

If you look at some of these scenarios, with OM/OW's hanging around for years, foregoing other opportunities while being thrown a bone, coupled witht their seeming inability to take responsibility for the pain they cause others, it is apparent that development was arrested at a very young age.

Reggie, let me remind you that many people have experienced all kinds of abuse and that causes some twists and turns in personal relations.

 

Some of us have come through terrible physical violence & emotional abuse as children. Even those of us who have worked on it very hard, as well as those who have never been abused before, can find themselves caught up in a bad situation. I'm not excusing it, but there are a lot of damaged hearts and wounded spirits out here who are starving for love but don't know how to recognize it or really have it. Codependence is rampant here.

[Reggie]

Reggie, let me remind you that many people have experienced all kinds of abuse and that causes some twists and turns in personal relations.

 

Some of us have come through terrible physical violence & emotional abuse as children. Even those of us who have worked on it very hard, as well as those who have never been abused before, can find themselves caught up in a bad situation. I'm not excusing it, but there are a lot of damaged hearts and wounded spirits out here who are starving for love but don't know how to recognize it or really have it. Codependence is rampant here.

 

I agree, wild, that type of abuse really messes with one. I, myself, was sexually abused when I was 12 by an older man. And, I grew up in a home with a raging, abusive alcoholic parent.

I think those types of things can really twist a person and are the types of things that can arrest development.

That is what I mean when i see how warped some of the rationalizations and expectations of OM/OW's are. I have no doubt that they do not mean to be evil and are acting out of damage and pain.

[wildsoul]

I agree, wild, that type of abuse really messes with one. I, myself, was sexually abused when I was 12 by an older man. And, I grew up in a home with a raging, abusive alcoholic parent.

I think those types of things can really twist a person and are the types of things that can arrest development.

Yuk. I'm sorry you went through that. (Me too, btw.)

 

It's a sign of healing that you can see where proper boundaries should be now, and maybe also a sign when it frustrates you watching people stay stuck. Good for you for surving that awful past and trying to help out others.

[KismetGirl]

wow. thread jack. thanks.

[pelicanpreacher]

Good to hear from you KG! What's been going on?

[KismetGirl]

Good to hear from you KG! What's been going on?

 

 

Hi PP....

 

Same things.....trying hard to make it from one day to the next without losing it completely. Still having severe depression and anxiety attacks. Missing more work than I should be, which is affecting my paycheck but some days I just can't get out of bed. Having trouble focusing on school. Still manage to get by and do better than most other students bcause I know Im a smart gal, but its hard to focus these days.

 

Saw my family for thanksgiving and was able to forget about MM for a few minutes here and there. As soon as I went home started to think about MM on my ride home again. My sister's friend brought her new baby to dinner and I held him and it felt so good, I love children, but I got so sad....because it reminded me of MM and how I'll never share that with him. It's silly, I know, because I could and probably will share that wth someone else in the future, someone better for me maybe, someone....single. But MM was the first man I ever met that I loved so much that I could have envisioned myself waking up next to him in 50 years. Whose children I imagined and wanted to have. I had a dream the other night that that very thing happened....that me and him were together, and in the dream I was pregnant and had a baby, and was so happy in this dream, and then I woke up and it took me a minute to realize it was only a dream and I got almost....dissapointed, strangely. Weird huh?

 

Not sure if Im making any sense.....but its just still .....well it seems like it hasnt gotten any easier to forget him yet. Im almost always reminded of him. I live practically across the street from one of his offices. See his car at least once a week driving home, and I know he sees my apartment as he drives by. We have mutual friends on facebook and everytime he tags one of them in a photo, I see these photo albums on my main "feed" page, which inevitably has pictures of him , his wife, and his kids and it depresses the hell out of me.

 

I know its going to take time but sometimes it seems like I'll never be able to just forget him. My heart still aches every day....

 

It's his birthday this week. We were supposed to get together to celebrate. Cleaning out my email box I found old emails from him he wrote me while drunk after coming home from an evening out with his wife at some wedding where he rambled on about how he wished there was some way his life made more sense. He asked me in the email if he was a bad person for feeling this way. That he wanted to have his family life, and he wanted to be there every day when his kids woke up and be there at night when they went to bed, and let them have two parents in the same home, and that his life was so "settled" finally, but he wanted me so badly and didn't understand why he had to feel this way about me. That he was wracked with guilt everytime he saw me, and that the stress of a "double life" had taken years off him, but that he still felt weak to stay away from me. That his life wasn't bad , and maybe he didn't have a certain spark with his wife like a husband should have for a wife (whatever that means), but they didn't hate each other and they made a good family and they got along, so why couldn't he get me out of his head?

 

*sigh*

 

I don't use words like "soulmate" and "love at first sight" and all that bollocks. Im not unreasonable. Im an intelligent person. I readily admit that while i did not choose to kiss him that first night (he kissed me without warning while we stood there speaking in the bar), I did choose to kiss him back. I chose to kiss him again the next day. I chose to keep the affair going. But I didn't choose to fall in love with him, and those intense feelings made my "choices" very difficult to make in a manner others would find proper or moral. But this man....I know with certainty I've never felt about anyone how I feel for him. And trust me, I have REALLY cared for and liked other men very very much, and have even loved other men, but have never been IN love with someone in this way and that makes this whole situation so much harder to respond to in a "reasonable" or "moral" manner, or whatever other people want to call it.

 

We all have weaknesses. He is mine, unfortunately. I've dealt with alot of hardship in my life and managed to get through it, hold other people up, sacrifice, do the right thing, work hard to succeed. I know Im a good person, but no one is perfect.

Im trying desperately to get on with my life right now, but these longing and lonely feelings seem to persist and sometimes I wonder when they will go away. Im dreading having to contact him this week, but I have no choice because I need a letter from him as he was my former employer, and I need this for school. Hearing his voice when I called him last week to ask him if he'd write it for me was torture. Could hear that fake cheerfulness he always puts on when he's uncomfortable or upset about something and doesn't want anyone to notice. F**K.

 

It has to get better, I know it does.....eventually. I guess. But christ Ive never felt this way about anyone and I have this distinct feeling like I'll never really get over him, and that only when I meet someone else will i ever really have the strength to resist him in the future. Who knows, he might really mean it this time....maybe he intends to really never see me again. I suppose it's possible. I guess all I can do is try to not lose my mind and force myself to get out of bed. Hoping the antidepressants Ive been taking will kick in soon....only been three weeks, sometimes it takes a few weeks to really work......

 

Thanks to everyone who has said something supportive....positive....Im sure you'll get sick of reading my pathetic crap eventually, but it's appreciated that you are still reading and responding for the time being

 

cheers.