girl wants to have fun, but holds back

[boring dudette]

hello there, i am sick of being such a dud everywhere i go. literally i drag myself down because i do not know how to have fun. i don't think for a day in my life that i have ever had fun or even know how to have fun. i went from barely being a kid at 16 to a mom of two at 18, i don't think i had much fun in my child hood either because i spent it fighting with my family and running away from home and being such a shy girl that life just always sucked for me. now here i am a much older woman and with a guy who loves to have fun, and i don't know what to do. i sit there and look at people acting like idiots, laughing out loud, making jokes, literally having a good time. i am sure part of why i put them down is because i am either jealous or somehow see it as disdain. either way i am so sick of myself that i want to punch myself in the face for being such a bitch about everyone else's fun to the point that i just want to get out of where all this fun is at and go home and hide.

 

example: we went to this college football game today, and everyone around me was having a gay ole time, laughing, no drinking allowed at game, shouting at the other teams, standing up and cheering, well you get the idea every one was having this good time. then there was me. *yawn* *boring* drudgery* *stupid*. those were the things i was thinking to myself. didn't matter how much pep talk i tried to give myself, or how much positive affirmation stuff i tried to give myself, or how much i tried to tell my self it will soon be over then you go back home and hide in your little comfy nest.

 

well that is only ONE example. believe me this list could go on for days. either way, regardless of what the situation is, i just cannot bring myself to enjoy what is going on around me. am i just such a dud that life is slipping by me while everyone around me knows how to have fun? i think maybe because i never learned how to have fun, my mom always so protective of us, becareful you'll get hurt, don't do this, don't do that, it's danerous, maybe all that had an impact on my ability to have fun.

 

i am sick of being such a drag. sitting there with long face, faking smiles now and then at who ever i'm with, not even a real smile but a snide smile more or less. is anybody else there such a dud? surely i can't be the only one in the world like me? maybe someone has some advice on how to live alittle? it does not even matter if it is something i enjoy, i can sit there and enjoy it, but i can't get up there and laugh and sing, dance, act like a fool, i have to put others down for what i wish so badly that i can do, and that makes me look like a pretty bad person to me anyway. can anyone help me?! i'm desperate! PLEASE!

[moimeme]

Your life will change immensely if, instead of thinking about yourself all the time and what you're doing and what people think of you, you decide to use your brain for other things. Learn something new. Learn about other people. Find things you enjoy doing and do them instead. I am bored to tears by sports, drinking, and everything you mentioned today. So find other interests that you do enjoy. The world is rich and full of interesting things to do - you need to do the work to find some.

 

If there is nothing you ever enjoyed doing, then you have a lot of work ahead. If there are things you used to enjoy but no longer do, you could be depressed. You could be depressed anyway, for all that.

It might also be worth getting a medical checkup.

[boring dudette]

the problem is not depression, this i am positive about. it is a total character flaw in my opinion. i try so hard not to think of myself, but i'm actually mostly watching others and how stupid i think they look. for instance at the college football game my boyfriend could sit and laugh at their college antics while i sat there and thought how stupid or immature they were acting, and i told him that and he said to him that is what it so funny because they are so immature. he went to college too and he could relate to it all, all their behaviors and what evers. i am the one always sitting on the side lines watching the people having the fun, that is why i think maybe i feel jealsouy toward them that can have fun, but i just dont know.

 

all i know is that i want so much to be rid of this personality part of me, it is so sickening to me. this evening we went to a local carnival and i made an honest attempt to watch myself being and acting the way i do when i see things i perceive as stupid or etc.

 

anyway even when my boyfriend does certain things i get this same feeling. it seems to well up in my chest and i just like burst it out of my mouth with something stupid like shaking my head, or looking away so he knows i disapprove of his either dumb or childish behavior or at times his obnoxious behavoir.

 

i don't know am i talking in circles or riddles here cause i seem to not be able to get out what i need to say, and if i can't get it out right how can i get the right help?