Ex contacted me after 3 years-What does she want?

[moondogg]

Hi

 

My ex broke up with me about 3 years ago, she found someone new.

The break up was messy with no closure,as she didnt want to even speak to me or explain why.I know now that the euphoria and honeymoon-like feeling and what she thought was love with the new guy made her brush me one side and made me feel like I was not even worth an explaination.I treated her good and was always there for her.

 

She had cheated on me twice before(one night stands,even though i dont know if sex took place,she confessed to both of these).

This was before the last and final breakup

 

Anyway, I couldnt understand how the girl that supposedly loved me culd treat me so badly. Again I realise now it could have been cause I gave her everything she wanted and needed..........WUSSY behaviour.

 

I have relocated to another city and was doing fine without her,still thought about her often and i havent been interested in steady committed relationships because of my experience(i used to believe that when one is in a relationship u ve have to give it everything-all or nothing,and if you supposedly love someone you have to give them ur all)

 

Now out of the blue she has contacted me via facebook,says she s been trying to reach me for long, apologised for the hurt she caused me and how it came back ten fold to her.

She s now completed her studies,received her degree and relocated to the same city I am residing at because there are more oppertunities here.

 

I have forgiven her and told her so on facebook.

She sends me text messages, asking me for stuff like directions to a club,she sent me a text message at 03.00am telling me she is homesick.

 

i am jsut friendly towards her, i dont phone her on text her unless she texts me(replying to her texts).

 

What does all this mean?

What could the purpose of her contacting me possiblly mean?

Has her new bf left her and now she wants to feel wanted?

I think i might still have feelings for her but dont want to go back to her.

 

Any help will be greatly appreciated!

[aiina]

Hello Moondog

 

I've had the same situation, although not all stories have to be the same.

In my opinion he came back to me because he was alone, broke up with his girlfriend and was feeling alone. Tested if the grass was still green, came to apologize for the past, behave like a different person and 7 months later he did the same as on the first breakup.

 

All I can say is: think what it's best for you, not what she wants or what she needs. She knows you loved her well, adn she might be needing that. But put yourself first.

 

good luck

[SRV]

It is normally hard to recapture what you had three years ago. You both have been tampered by life's journey the three years you were apart. In cases like this, not to rain on any parade, it would be extremely hard to get back a meaningful relationship before the one party realizes that this will never work. Its best to seek new relationships than to go back and try and retread old ones. Either way, good luck!

[BCCA]

To me, it sounds like she doesnt have a lot going on in her life or a current boyfriend. Sounds like she just kind of wants you to fill her time while she's looking for someone else. If she wanted to see you or reconcile, the first/second thing she would have said would have been about wanting to talk to you. Also, sounds like she recently moved and doesnt know a lot of people yet.

 

If youre ok with being friendly, then go ahead, but dont expect it to go much beyond that. Personally, I wouldn't even respond. She took a big fat crap on you and your feelings, cheated, and left you cold heartedly. Now, a sorry 3 years later is supposed to mean something? No thanks.

[moondogg]

Hi Guys

 

Thanx for all the replies.

 

We spoke on the phone.She s invited me to go out with her and her cousin last night.I declined the invitation and she was persisting by phoning a couple of times, hoping that she can convince me to go out to "catch up and chat" as she refferres to it.I told her I was tired from Saturday s partying.

 

She also said that I was the only guy that treated her well and she treated me like dirt and she feels/felt really bad about what has happened.

 

I think I still love her, but as I said........I dont wanna be with her, even though we spoke for a while.

 

Some ppl say i should just get a lay out of her and nothing more.

 

I am feeling much betta right now,even though i am still confused.

 

I really dont know what to do.

[BCCA]

I would let the past be the past. Sure, you could go out with her with the sole intention of trying to get some booty out of her, but how much better are you really going to feel if you realize shes doing the same thing? Women want to get laid, too, guys often forget that.

 

You dont want to be with her. Do you really see any value in a friendship with her? Will it really do anything for you? Probably not. If it was me, I would only agree to hang out with her alone and for like an hour if she had anything she wanted to say to you. Other than that, whats the point? I'm sure she feels bad, but she should feel bad. If she just wants to skim over all the stuff about leaving you and treating you like trash, in hopes that youll just kind of let it go and be friends, I would pass.

 

I cant tell you what the right thing for you to do is, but if it was me, I would dissapear. Why give someone the time of day after they dogged you like that?

[selena_cat]

Moondog,

my answer to your questions are No No No and soooo no!

You have been doing well,without her,pleased dont let her suck you back in,its obvious she probably has broken up w/her boyfriend now looking for some sort of validation. she didnt feel that bad 3 years ago did she now?

or why else would she be persistent about you and her catching up over dinner

No, you shouldnt lay or doggie with her,hell No,you want someone's leftovers (sorry to be blunt). Oh i'm done with the other guy let me bother the ex for attention, you email her and say

 

NO.

[rainbowbrite]

hmm i think she just grew up and realized she acted like a huge biatch. and that you were the only guy she knows of who actually really cared about her, and now she knows she made a mistake, and is trying to slowley come back into your life somehow.

[moondogg]

hmm i think she just grew up and realized she acted like a huge biatch. and that you were the only guy she knows of who actually really cared about her, and now she knows she made a mistake, and is trying to slowley come back into your life somehow.

 

 

This might be true, to a certain degree as she was 19 at the time.

She has also mentioned the fact that she was young but i think selena_cat is also spot on: i am/was doing fine before she came along.

 

Its too little too late, i do not need leftovers.......that guy was neva really interested/loved her, that I knew from the begining.

She s come to that realization only now.

 

Thanx again guys.......u r views and comments has helped me.

Each time I come here I remember the pain and suffering she put me trough,even though ive forgiven her, i cant forget what happened and just take her back with open arms........she is no longer part of my like.

 

Cheers

[BackonTrack2]

i dunno 3 years is a long time....

try and have sex with her.... what you got to loose?

 

or then again, if she left a really bad taste in your mouth stop talking to her altogether.

[saturnfell]

I am in the same situation as you right now. My ex left me three years ago and has been contacting me as well. The only difference, I recently saw him. I agree with RainbowBrite... she has grown up and sees how wrong she was. She wants to see you to talk, correct? If so, I would talk to her in a neutral environment. My ex wanted to talk to me, but I found myself cutting the conversation off when it went to the past and would reply by saying "it's fine, it's ok" and moving the conversation along. If she was 19 then and is only 21 now... she's still young and still has quite a bit of growing to do. It's hard to say why people contact one another. In my situation, I don't talk to ex's; however I contacted him after three years after NC from all of his past attempts. The world has a strange way of bringing people around. What would you like from this? That's the first question you need to ask yourself, and answer honestly. I, like you, have lived my life the past three years and have been completely fine. Keep in mind, these people we allow back in our lives (and yes you are allowing them back in) can potentially do quite a bit of damage to a perfectly fine, non tampered with situation. Second, if you could go back, would you? I know many of the responses on here have said things can't go back to how they were; which is absolutely true. However, things can begin in a different way and closeness is possible. Third question to ask yourself, How much do you care for her?

 

Again, she's still young, so this advice could go either way.

[paperchase]

moondog:

 

Honestly, I wouldn't indulge her. The tone of your posts says you have not completely moved on. She did and now she's reaching back. But why? She hasn't said anything that is worth your time. She's only been selfishly friendly in my book. I'm sure it felt good for her to apologize and you have let her off the hook by harboring no ill feelings. But that's enough. You don't need to be her friend if you have event the smallest bit of romatic feelings for her. You don't want to open pandora's box.

 

Now if she tells you there's something really important she wants to discuss, other than saying she's sorry, the choice is yours. It's still a slippery slope, but at least you know her intentions up front. Getting laid would be cool if you still didn't have an emotional connection with her.

[moondogg]

Thanks for all the posts Guys,

 

she got the picture and has gone back, i have decided to stay away from here.........i think being in contact is a step backwards and not forward.

 

I told her that i am thinking of settling down(that im hapy with someone).

 

She took the hint and is gone back from where she came.

[smookie]

I have to ask,

Are you single or are you really with someone.

I also want to mention, WAY TO GO! IT IS SO NICE WHEN ONE CAN SEE UNHEALTHY SITUATIONS AND YOU DID!!!! WOW HATS OFF TO YOU!

[peteyj]

I don't believe in the whole 'NC' for life theory and I sure don't believe in burning bridges with people or not being friends with people. You probably won't ever be close friends with this person again considering what happened and considering you still have feelings for her. But I see nothing wrong with sitting down for lunch for 30 minutes or so and catch up on things. Life is too short and too small to just throw everybody away who was mean to you. You really never know where somebody might wind up down the road. You never know if this person might hook you up with a contact later on who lands you a job or something.

 

You don't have to be friends who talk often. But I never try to throw away all contact no matter how much I can't stand a person. Yeah there are quite a few people whom I just shoot off an email now and again. But forgive and forget and move on as you never know who people will one day know or who people might one day become. You don't need to get close to that person again, but there is nothing wrong with keeping in touch with old friends or partners. You shouldn't have any expectations and you shouldn't lead them on but in my experience sometimes life isn't fair and karma isn't real. The person who wronged you might one day be the person who can land you a job or a new contract or find you a good deal on a house or whatever. It probably won't happen but you never know.

 

I moved 3000 miles away from where I grew up years ago and I bumped into somebody who grew up close to where I grew up. Somebody who knew somebody I once dated. Somebody who I emailed probably once or twice a year, if that, as she wasn't exactly the best gf back in the day. And I probably didn't talk to her for years before I started talking to her again. I wouldn't even call us friends. But we were close enough to keep each other informed of what was going on in our lives. Well the person I bumped into somehow knew her, and somehow it lead to other conversations about back home and so on. Also led to new job contacts, new business contacts and so on. If I ignored that girl and the last thing she remembered of me was me thinking she was a wh*$e and we never stayed in touch...who knows where that conversation would have led..

 

In your case maybe one day a similar situation comes up but instead of making a real contact, you'll either walk away or get that awkward reaction when somebody mentions her name. Don't ever get back with her, but nothing wrong with sending a message once in while to see how she's doing. Nothing wrong to stay in touch if they want to stay in touch. Shouldn't lead to anything more than that, but still, everybody is a potential contact in one form or another. Shouldn't really just throw them away.

[smookie]

Peteyj

Wow that was a good reply, I liked it. Just seems like this guy really wants nothing at all to do with her.

[l0stMike]

I don't believe in the whole 'NC' for life theory and I sure don't believe in burning bridges with people or not being friends with people. You probably won't ever be close friends with this person again considering what happened and considering you still have feelings for her. But I see nothing wrong with sitting down for lunch for 30 minutes or so and catch up on things. Life is too short and too small to just throw everybody away who was mean to you. You really never know where somebody might wind up down the road. You never know if this person might hook you up with a contact later on who lands you a job or something.

 

You don't have to be friends who talk often. But I never try to throw away all contact no matter how much I can't stand a person. Yeah there are quite a few people whom I just shoot off an email now and again. But forgive and forget and move on as you never know who people will one day know or who people might one day become. You don't need to get close to that person again, but there is nothing wrong with keeping in touch with old friends or partners. You shouldn't have any expectations and you shouldn't lead them on but in my experience sometimes life isn't fair and karma isn't real. The person who wronged you might one day be the person who can land you a job or a new contract or find you a good deal on a house or whatever. It probably won't happen but you never know.

 

I moved 3000 miles away from where I grew up years ago and I bumped into somebody who grew up close to where I grew up. Somebody who knew somebody I once dated. Somebody who I emailed probably once or twice a year, if that, as she wasn't exactly the best gf back in the day. And I probably didn't talk to her for years before I started talking to her again. I wouldn't even call us friends. But we were close enough to keep each other informed of what was going on in our lives. Well the person I bumped into somehow knew her, and somehow it lead to other conversations about back home and so on. Also led to new job contacts, new business contacts and so on. If I ignored that girl and the last thing she remembered of me was me thinking she was a wh*$e and we never stayed in touch...who knows where that conversation would have led..

 

In your case maybe one day a similar situation comes up but instead of making a real contact, you'll either walk away or get that awkward reaction when somebody mentions her name. Don't ever get back with her, but nothing wrong with sending a message once in while to see how she's doing. Nothing wrong to stay in touch if they want to stay in touch. Shouldn't lead to anything more than that, but still, everybody is a potential contact in one form or another. Shouldn't really just throw them away.

 

I think this is a great point.

[BackonTrack2]

In life people come and go. In this case your EX treated you like **** and left you for another. In my eyes, I have really strong opinions against this type of behavior especially because I know the hurt it can cause a person.

 

She never contacted you in all that time, it means she never truely cared and she only contacted you when she realized the hurt she has caused. If she loved you in the first place, maybe she would of cheated, but she would of never left or gave her ALL to the OM. She was not that into you to begin with.

 

It sounds as if, she is lonely and well you weren't really a bad guy and she's single and she's older now, so she's probably looking to have someone fill that void. Your the IT guy for right now, if you do get back together, she'll leave again. I don't think you should see her or talk to her or have any form of conversation with her.

 

Life is to SHORT but once someone does something like this, its really no going back, they made their choice and now they have to live with it. She still thinks you care for you which is why she is trying to presuade you, so she can get what she wants. Its not about you or your feelings, if she cared she wouldn't of left to begin with.

 

It looks like now she's finallying realizing that you were a good guy, but it doesn't sound like she loves you as you love her. I would just use her for sex honestly, and would not allow my emmotions to get the better of me, I would also just treat like STRICTLY like a booty-call.

 

Someone you just **** whenever you want to ****, all on your TERMS. If she will give you that, then I would take it, I would not invest any emmotional support into this female, she is just not worth it.

 

And at the end of the day, when you don't hang out with her, she's just going to think to herself "I didn't want him anyway" which in my opinion is the reason she left you to begin with, cheating is one thing, leaving not contacting you for 3 years is another...

 

But she did BOTH of those things.... She never cared in my opinion

[Weird]

Yeah, good call on basically telling her to leave you alone. I have had a similar situation although no cheating involved:

 

about 1.5 years after, she contacts me and wanted to talk and apologize for what happened and basically said I was correct at the time (she was pitting me vs school because she could not manage both even though I never tried to put myself ahead of school) yet at the time she was chewing me out saying I was crazy for stating what turned out to be reality. Anyway, I let her apologize and just shrugged at it because I did not know wtf I should have cared...the apology was just for her sake not for mine since I did not need to be told I was right. Tried the friendship thing and it didn't work after a month or two.

 

A year and a bit later later she contacts me again and tried the friendship thing and it didn't work.

 

1.5 years later (this being recent) she contacts me and tried the friendship thing and it didn't work. This time though I think she is seeing another dude and didn't mention that right off the bat so I basically told her to leave me alone once and for all because I do not need her adding stress to my life when I am perfectly happy not knowing what is going on with her and all that jazz and I do not need her semi-friendship since it does nothing for bettering my life. I do not want to be in a relationship with her but at the same time I do not want to be friends with someone I humped knowing she is probably humping someone else...it just does not work for normal guys. She knows this too because if she felt I would not care she would have mentioned it right away. Either that or not mentioning it means she does not think I am really a friend (people mention relationships to their friends) so either way, it is wrong to withhold info like that from someone you want in your life and this was just the last straw of her being selfish that I was willing to deal with.

 

Anyway, the point is IMO, based on my experience (we're talking almost 6 years here since we broke up) and the experience of others I know, there is NO POINT in trying to be friends with an ex unless you truly do not care about them at all and just want to have them there as some person you could maybe use and I am not really a user. The friendship is not going to be good and will just be some trivial type thing (really...are you going to be friends with the person for life/ When they get married? No...so why waste the time now?) and at least for me, I have no interest in casual friends I may talk to once a month...wtf is the point of that? Friends should be people you truly hang with and can talk about anything to but hey, I do not have a lot of "friends" (you know the facebook syndrome where people have 396393 "friends" but don't actually hang out with 99% of them) because I only want those who can be true friends and I can count on and know will be in my life forever or for at least many many years.

 

I'm simply not a person who is into catching up with people from my past and seeing how life is going for them because I frankly do not care. If I truly cared what has been going on with them then we'd have never lost touch.

 

So yeah, I am/have been in a situation like yours where the ex contacts for no reason other than I guess to make herself feel better or has this belief that me/you/any ex is sitting there waiting to hear from her and having her contact us is going to make our lives complete. Like you, I still care for her but do not want to be with her at this time (but I would not close the door to that totally since at the core she is still a good person and has the qualities I liked from before) so that leaves no real point to staying in touch.

 

I will say though that people can get back together after years if they want but most take the simplistic approach that it couldn't work out so that is why most do not try. If you get together with someone then there is a reason for that and the reason should still be there down the road. People do not truly change in the sense they become totally different and you have nothing to like about them. The reason most do not try for a 2nd chance I think is ego and because most people are too lazy to put in effort and they just assume that the issues that caused the first breakup will be there when logic says if the people are intelligent they will make sure those problems get corrected. Again, it is just human laziness. This attitude is not really seen in other areas too other than relationships where most are willing to just run away than put in some work and have things work. I guess the problem is people figure the "dating pool" is so big that you can just find someone else but that doesn't mean the other people are best suited for you.

[moondogg]

No Smookie, I was not in a relationship at the time when I told her that I was, thanks again guys!

[moondogg]

Backontrack2 and Weird.............I agree with you 100%

[SRV]

weird, you couldn't have spelt it out any better!