T-Mama Posted September 6, 2003 Share Posted September 6, 2003 Back in December of 2000 I met G.A.D. @ work and I immediately felt a deep attraction to him. He didn't hesitate to let me know that he was attracted to me in the same way. Over the course of 3 weeks, we flirted, emailed each other & I gave him my #....then he told me about K.S.S. (his girlfriend). I didn't back away from the situation as I should've and we ended up establishing a (mostly) sexual relationship that lasted almost 2 years. I had an emotional interest in him, but although he'd initially made comments to me that lead me to believe that we would eventually have a "real" relationship, that never happened...he later just said I shouldn't have any expectations & he periodically reminded me that our "relationship" had boundaries. He remained with his girfriend & I remained in the background...basically just waiting for his phone calls and emails inviting me over to his place or letting me know he was coming by to see me for a couple of hours. I thought I loved the guy....and he told me he loved me....but it was just a love that existed in our little secret world. I kept myself in that situation until I met my present boyfriend. I suppose as much as I wanted to be in his life in a genuine sense, I was willing to settle for just being "the other woman" just to hang onto him. For a few months, G continued to ask me to meet him for secret rendezvous, but I always declined. I was finally in a healthy, happy relationship (which he'd always said he'd really wanted for me to find) and I didn't want to mess that up....and I wanted to distance myself from that type of relationship with him. Several more months past and he tells me he has repented & is living a Christian life and that he & his girlfriend (who at this point had been together 5 years)are finally getting married.....and yet (a couple of emails later) he invites me over for sex (which I still decline). From the beginning I asked him to tell his girlfriend about us, but I always respected his decision to keep things on the down-low......UNTIL he emailed me and told me he was basically tired of making small talk with me & that we were either going to have a "secret rendezvous for old times sake or nada". That upset me, I was already always feeling guilty that I allowed myself to be in that situation with him & that his girlfriend never found out about us....it made me feel even more guilty that he was getting married without revealing the secret to her (especially since he was obviously still prone to cheat....just a month before his wedding date he was talking to me & would've slept with me had I consented to it). All of a sudden I decided to contact his fiance and tell her the whole story....she'd been disrespected for too long (by both of us).....I thought this would teach him a lesson too; I didn't think he'd ever really repent and change his ways if he were allowed to get away with his affair. I tried to email G's fiance anonymously. He apparently monitors her email account & replied back with vile language and death threats. She did finally get the message. G found out that I'd sent her the message and he of course had more threats and choice words to toss my way. I don't know if I made the right decision to tell her & I'm not sure if she actually married him anyway.....that's where the story ends.......Any input on this situation & my decision to finally reveal the secret? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 7, 2003 Share Posted September 7, 2003 Your decision to reveal this information to his fiance clearly was not altruistic but rather an attempt to get vengeance. If you hadn't been out for blood, you would have left the situation alone. If I got this wrong and you were sincerely wanting to let this gal know what her guy was capable of, you were still wrong. You had given your word to keep your mouth shut. It was only when you finally saw there was nothing in this for you that you decided to make waves. There's really nothing you can do now...except I would call law enforcement imediately relative to the death threats. Those are a third degree felony punishable by five to ten years in jail for the first offense. At least you can get this on the record if anything happens to you. Nothing good ever comes of betrayal and cheating. If the guy had never told you he had a girlfriend, then you would have been well within your rights to have been mad as hell and perhaps move to take the steps you did. But you knew the situation the entire time and he was very forthright and honest with you that his relationship with you was sexual and his primary love interest was his girlfriend. For the future, if you decide to have other affairs with men who have partners, take them for what they are and keep your mouth closed. That way you won't have to be constantly looking over your shoulders. There comes a day we all have to take full and complete responsiblity for what happens to us...and when you reach that point, you have arrived at full adulthood. It's OK to advise close girlfriends that their guys are cheaters. But, apart from that, you will live a much longer life if you remove yourself entirely from stirring up domestic disputes. I might also tell you that it's not unusual for women to get information like this about their fiances prior to the wedding...when it simply isn't true in most cases. I've had a few friends this happened to and most ladies are not inclined to believe anything bad about their honeys. A repented Christian who has a fiance and wants to screw you, who now has a boyfriend...and who threatens your life??? WOW!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Java Posted September 7, 2003 Share Posted September 7, 2003 Errr G's the lowest of the lowest dogs..... and wont change. The colourful language and threats to you weren't so much about him looking like the dog (that he is) to his fiance, rather, more about the manipulation/begging/threats/lies he's now got ahead of him to the fiance to keep her by his controlling, narcissistic side. Work and drama, that he didn't really have to go through had you just kept your mouth shut, in his eyes. Guys like this are masters at manipulation...... he'll convince her he's a saint, eventually.... she WANTS to be convinced he's a saint (girls have SOME, other times LOTS of instinctive clues their partner is doing the dirty on them for THAT length of time, they choose to bury their heads in the sand is all... why?, coz they want to keep the status quo). He'll tell her it was ALL your fault.... you came onto him right from the start, you were lonely, he felt sorry for you, he told you he was with her, you meant nothing to him, ever, it was just sex, he wanted to tell her SO many times coz the guilt was just eating him up, and he loves her SO much, and he'd NEVER do anything to hurt her.... all that sort of crap that makes himself look like the epitamy of morals, values and compassion. And in the end, you sent her a message because you lost the plot and turned into a spiteful, unstable fruit cake wanting to destroy him and everything that's his (the other woman is ALWAYS the 'crazy' one) because he rejected you when he told you it was over, you were to leave him alone, he loved her and only her and was going to marry her. You get the drift... he'll twist this any which way he can so he comes out on top. Don't be surprised if she did marry him (her own dumb ass fault), don't be surprised if you get a mail from her telling you to leave her alone, she doesn't believe a word you have to say. Don't be surprised if once he's got her back where he wants her, he comes knocking on your door trying to charm and smooth his way back into your pants.... mark my words, he'll be back. It's ALL about ego and control. That's him.... you need to take responsibility for your own actions and decisions in this too. Often the need to 'tell' the other person is a last resort at gaining some control of the situation, very rarely is it truly about the third party. Having said that...... if it gives you closure, ie walking away and never looking back, then it's the right thing. As far as the fiance is concerned, at least if she now chooses to stay with him, she's doing it based on knowing the truth about who and what he is..... IF she doesn't fall for his crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author T-Mama Posted September 23, 2003 Author Share Posted September 23, 2003 It has been about 2 1/2 months since I revealed everything to K, G's fiance. Why do I still feel guilty? Why do I still care what he thinks of me for telling. I'm not sure why I feel as though I should apologize to him for crossing over into his "real world" (the one with his fiance). I wish I could feel more confident about my decision & i wish I could forget about his feelings. I wish I could hear it from K. that I actually did the right thing in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaz Posted September 23, 2003 Share Posted September 23, 2003 Little bit of background here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author T-Mama Posted September 23, 2003 Author Share Posted September 23, 2003 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t25431/ (Ref: First Post entitled "I was the other woman") Link to post Share on other sites
Gaz Posted September 23, 2003 Share Posted September 23, 2003 Thanks for that. Well, you feel guilty because as Tony pointed out, you did what you did out of vindiction. As much as you may or may not have thought you were doing it for K's sake, the real reason you did it was because G hurt you, and damnit, you were going to get him back. I can't really blame you for what you did though, I can completely understand why you told her, and in truth she really should know the sort of man she's marrying. That said, you were a willing accomplice for several years, it seems. G wanted you purely for sex, and even though there was talk of a serious relationship being on the cards for you two, you proved to him that it wasn't necessary by still sleeping with him. For that, I give you a big oul' smack on the wrist. Guys will say whatever it takes to get into a woman's drawers, I know this because, well, I've said things I shouldn't have myself. (Slap myself on the wrist) Anyways, this is neither here nor there at this stage. You asked why you feel guilty over your actions, and the reason (I think) is that because you know that your major motivation was spite, and not really a moral crusade. But what's done is done, you can't change it, and G is (perhaps) now reaping what he sowed. Either she never found out and they're married, she did find out and still married him anyways (shame on her), he has changed his ways (not likely) or she kicked his arse to the curb. At this point, it's none of yer business, put it behind you and concentrate on yer own life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author T-Mama Posted September 23, 2003 Author Share Posted September 23, 2003 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t25431/ G did finally contact me.......leaving a long message about leaving HIM alone and to tell me to stop MY calls and emails. Meanwhile, I've never threatened him (he's threatened me with death and otherwise). I guess I am being played to be the psycho.......guess his wife/fiance may've even been listening to him when he left the voicemail message to me........oh well. He feels nothing and I feel the guilt.....lovely. Link to post Share on other sites
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