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Thrown under the bus...it's over


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I did keep my word with her husband...I also told him that if she contacted me I would talk to her which I did. Just remember I said I wouldn't contact her....which I didn't.

 

BUT you did continue seeing her. You've spent Xmas Eve with her. Sure, you may not have made the phone call but you are still actively IN the affair. What you have with her is not a real open and honest relationship..That will only happen if she divorces and you two date casually, don't rush and allow her time and space to fix herself. Not only because of her ghosts from being abused (if that is true) but also because of WHO she has become - A liar, a cheater, a betrayer, a manipulator, a selfish woman who chose to do this to her husband.. She is going to need therapy to fix herself in more ways than one. In all honesty, do you really want someone who is capable of such lies and is extremely good at it too?

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BUT you did continue seeing her. You've spent Xmas Eve with her. Sure, you may not have made the phone call but you are still actively IN the affair. What you have with her is not a real open and honest relationship..That will only happen if she divorces and you two date casually, don't rush and allow her time and space to fix herself. Not only because of her ghosts from being abused (if that is true) but also because of WHO she has become - A liar, a cheater, a betrayer, a manipulator, a selfish woman who chose to do this to her husband.. She is going to need therapy to fix herself in more ways than one. In all honesty, do you really want someone who is capable of such lies and is extremely good at it too?

 

Spent New Year's with my MW...H finally got the hint on 12/28 to move out. He's gone for good. He couldn't take the cold shoulder treatment. So we started 2009 and I told my MW that this would be a good time right now to reset. She has H out of the house and it would be good for me to step aside as well. I told her to take the time to heal and grieve if she needed. Also told her this will allow us to remove ourselves from affair mode that we've been in and put that in the past. So if it's in God's plan down the road that we come together that we can rid ourselves of all the baggage.

 

My divorce will be final either this week or next. She still communicates that she wants to be with me. But I know as long as I stay in the picture things come to a halt and it never allows us to move one. So with that I've been in no contact I've removed every method of her contacting me. the only way is for her to drive to either work or my house to talk. Time will tell......

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H confused, Just a question, How long do you plan to do NC? If i understand, you are moved out and papers will be done this week, and her H has moved out. Did he get his own place, or is just staying with a friend? If she is on her? own, she will need time to heal, you know that can take months , right? Are you planning to stay in NC, or do LC??

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H confused, Just a question, How long do you plan to do NC? If i understand, you are moved out and papers will be done this week, and her H has moved out. Did he get his own place, or is just staying with a friend? If she is on her? own, she will need time to heal, you know that can take months , right? Are you planning to stay in NC, or do LC??

 

That is a good question. H's back to staying at his Father's house. Her plan is to keep the family's house. So there are things which need to be done legally. I'm at complete NC right now. As for healing I do agree she needs to do that as the reason why we agreed in the first place to do that. However for me. It's very clear I was in a DEAD marriage and there was nothing for me to heal or grieve. Her on the other hand I feel needs to just for the fact how things have been going.

 

This time away for me is good too as I need to really make sure it's not the fog that wants me to be with her. I believe people heal at different time line than others. So she could take a 6 months or a 1 year or a couple of months....I believe it's up the the individual. As for how long will I do no contact will depend on when she feels she's ready. Of course if she knocked my door next month I would have to ask some serious questions and then turn her around for sure.

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H confused, Just a question, How long do you plan to do NC? If i understand, you are moved out and papers will be done this week, and her H has moved out. Did he get his own place, or is just staying with a friend? If she is on her? own, she will need time to heal, you know that can take months , right? Are you planning to stay in NC, or do LC??

 

Not to pick on you, Mino but there is something about your post that stood out to me. A *mindset* if you will.

 

It seems like this is panicked thinking. Some people want to get together right away, and some want to take care of their baggage alone for a while. Some folks are sure of where they want to be even if it takes a few months (or even years) to get there.

 

I find that a lot of MP/OP relationships don't get to the regular stage because it seems the OP is in some sort of rush and not considering what just happened.

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Not to pick on you, Mino but there is something about your post that stood out to me. A *mindset* if you will.

 

It seems like this is panicked thinking. Some people want to get together right away, and some want to take care of their baggage alone for a while. Some folks are sure of where they want to be even if it takes a few months (or even years) to get there.

 

I find that a lot of MP/OP relationships don't get to the regular stage because it seems the OP is in some sort of rush and not considering what just happened.

Mindset??? No, I just wanted details of his situation, where do you get panick thinking?
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Pretty much over is not the same as over. Not because of logistics, but because she might be telling her husband it's over, but keeping hopes that her husband could change. She threw you under the bus because she isn't 100% over her husband, and until she's over him, it's not over. When it seemed like you both loved her and she could choose, she chose him.

 

I am very familiar with the wide spectar of emotions in cases like this; she probably has feelings for her husband but she decided to get over him and dump him because he isn't giving her the love she believes she deserves - and you're giving her what she needs. Her husband showed interest in her upon finding out about the affair and she started hoping that now things would be different, that he in fact loves her. However, 24 hours later, she realizes that her husband is the same jackass that he's always been and that he'll never change. So she decides you're a much better catch. She tells him it's over while keeping you at an arm's distance hoping that this scenario will ignite the love for her in her husband. His controlling behavior excites her and bothers her at the same time. He doesn't want to let her go and that's very "manly" and exciting. You're the typical nice guy: sweet and caring. You're safe and feel like home; he's scary and unattainable.

 

However, you have a good chance to win, because she is tired of waiting for her hsuband to become nice and treat her like a lady. You make her feel good. Her husband will never change. She will leave and get over him soon thereafter. Your best bet to speed up the process is to NOT let her husband see that you're in her life and want her. Just like WWIU said, he'll fight for her more if you're around. Don't call her, don't text her, don't email her. Let her contact you.

 

I believe this to be so on the mark it's not even funny!!! I've taken your advice as to Not calling her, texting her and emailing me...the only way she can contact me is walk to my door at my house or work.

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Two posts that says she's going to contact me....I highly doubt she will... this was the one thing I truly wanted to fix in my life was stopping on the lying maybe that is why I might have forced her hand. This is the reason I left my marriage it was not fair to my wife. Maybe it was time for me how knows?

 

I will not contact her for any reason...I'm glad this happened...cause I truly wanted to start 2009 better than how 2008 started. I will need lots of hugs....today

 

Yeah....NC is the best way to go. If youre strong enough to do it, kudos to you.

 

I don't know if she will contact you, but I suspect if you contact her she will cave in again. If I don't call MM after our sporadic "break ups" he can usually hold back. You know, the whole out of sight, better able to keep my big head thinking more than my little head thinking, thing.

 

But if I call him, if he hears my voice, if he sees me....forget it. Back to the drawing board.

 

Hell, didn't see or speak to him for two months, then last week he stops by to give me a letter and we're at it. Twice.

 

Hopefully you'll resist better than I can at the whole NC thing....

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Yeah....NC is the best way to go. If youre strong enough to do it, kudos to you.

 

I don't know if she will contact you, but I suspect if you contact her she will cave in again. If I don't call MM after our sporadic "break ups" he can usually hold back. You know, the whole out of sight, better able to keep my big head thinking more than my little head thinking, thing.

 

But if I call him, if he hears my voice, if he sees me....forget it. Back to the drawing board.

 

Hell, didn't see or speak to him for two months, then last week he stops by to give me a letter and we're at it. Twice.

 

Hopefully you'll resist better than I can at the whole NC thing....

your funny kismetgirl.... TWICE???? hehehehee:confused:

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Yeah....NC is the best way to go. If youre strong enough to do it, kudos to you.

 

I don't know if she will contact you, but I suspect if you contact her she will cave in again. If I don't call MM after our sporadic "break ups" he can usually hold back. You know, the whole out of sight, better able to keep my big head thinking more than my little head thinking, thing.

 

But if I call him, if he hears my voice, if he sees me....forget it. Back to the drawing board.

 

Hell, didn't see or speak to him for two months, then last week he stops by to give me a letter and we're at it. Twice.

 

Hopefully you'll resist better than I can at the whole NC thing....

 

Well the good thing in my relationship has been mostly EA than a PA so my big head does think for the little head cause when I do it...it messes me up even more. So rather do without. Its not worth the headaches. As for the NC thing it's more of a Reset thing. She's got H out of the house and she's working on the paperwork and cleaning up some baggage. I figured I waited this long I can wait a bit longer just to be safe. Besides I'm enjoying being out of the drama. keeping myself busy.

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I know you probably don't want to hear this, but if you go back and read all your previous posts, the writing was on the wall the whole time. She never had any real intention of leaving her marriage to be with you. Sure, she probably cares alot, maybe even loves you, but it wasn't enough for her to change her whole life and give up what she has now.

 

Sorry that you're hurting..Though the positive is, you're free now to heal and let go. And eventually you'll find a (single) woman who will love and adore ONLY you.

 

I have to disagree! I left my H and I'm preparing my life to be with my MM soon. There are some of us who CAN make this happen.

 

Kami

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I have to disagree! I left my H and I'm preparing my life to be with my MM soon. There are some of us who CAN make this happen.

 

Kami

Hi Kami, are you not in the A for over 30 years or so? I am amazed that after sooooooooo many years, you would still be planning. I do wish you the best!! I am sure your story is quite unqiue, wish you would post it on Ls. Sorry poster for thread jacking:o

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I have to disagree! I left my H and I'm preparing my life to be with my MM soon. There are some of us who CAN make this happen.

 

But your MM is still married. After 30 years he isn't going to leave his wife..

 

Also, didn't he call the police on you and ask you to stay away from him and his wife? Something is very off with your situation.

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I have to disagree! I left my H and I'm preparing my life to be with my MM soon. There are some of us who CAN make this happen.

Does your MM know yet? A lot must have happened since 6 months ago when he was having the police call you to stop harrassing him...

 

Wait.... "be with" your MM? Is he leaving his marriage, or staying in it?

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Confused you sound really grounded about everything. As you said, no need to get involved in the drama of a little passion now and the ups and downs that will invariably go with it at this stage. Better to wait so you will be able to start fresh and build something real.

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bentnotbroken
I have to disagree! I left my H and I'm preparing my life to be with my MM soon. There are some of us who CAN make this happen.

 

Kami

 

WOW:eek:when did he change his mind and drop the charges against you? At least you left your H so that he can find someone who respects and loves him. 30 years is a lot of time to waste, waiting for someone else's H. I have a feeling, things aren't going to go as well as you hope.

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Confused you sound really grounded about everything. As you said, no need to get involved in the drama of a little passion now and the ups and downs that will invariably go with it at this stage. Better to wait so you will be able to start fresh and build something real.

 

I have to say therapy has helped me a lot. The one thing I picked up was AWARENESS... being aware of what I was in. Aware of all of it. You have to be aware before you can fix anything and I know what I want.

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