...love is my greater weakness.

[juegosdeseduccion]

I am new to this site, I have seen a lot of my questions answered or somehow helped with, I finally decided to tell my story, and always hope for the best but expect the worst, I guess that is really was has kept me going since the first instant I came into this whole deal called love.

 

My story with the girl of my dreams starts about 3 years ago, at the time I was a swinger, very full of my self, selfish, and an alcoholic, a bit young for all this but well, my life always ended up being pretty fast, I met this guy who ended up becoming one of my best friends, he was great to me, and he was with a great girl, a girl who was beautiful, and seemed to be perfect in any way, of course I never saw her in any romantic, or sexual way since she was his girlfriend, in a way she was kinda like a dude to me lol, time kept passing by, me and him continued to get closer, so did me and her, just as friends, she was funny and witty, and of course full of things that I adored, but I'll get to that later, I'm sure a bit too analytical lol, but anyway, I kept finding my self in very awkward situations with her, not too out of the ordinary, but quite strange, their relationship started to go down, they would fight about everything, I would advice him, or try anyway, but it all ended when he cheated on her, it was in a very low way, and it teared her apart, she was devastated, I was with him at the beggining of all this problems and aspirations, but after a few weeks, I found my self wanting to see her, wanting to spend time with her, sometimes even choosing her over some of my friends, they had their own battles, he wanted her back, she did sometimes, and this lasted for about 2 months, during this time I kept my self occupied by sleeping around, and drinking away, of course this just being my usual self, but somehow, being around her would always feel better than any other type of entertainment, until the day that everything crumble, me and her were laying down, just watching tv like 2 friends, no worries, or especulations, then all of the sudden I just kissed her neck, for a second everything that I had ever believed dissapeared, my lips on her neck felt like heaven, and I couldn't stop, she turned around and kissed me deeply, my hands were on her waist and our kiss became deeper, we had sex for the first time, my world turned around completely, my friend of course left me when this happened, he couldn't bear the fact that his best friend was doing this things, it was incredibly selfish of me to this, but I am selfish, and that was the worst thing I had done, I left him with his sorrow, and and slowly continued this unholy hook up, our nights together became more passionate, our sexual drive was unstoppable, it was amazing.

 

Throughout my whole life, I had created this wall around my heart, I was too strong to fall in love, after all love is a weakness, and the greatest strength for some, for me, just a weakness that I could not accept, or even bare, my feelings for this girl continued to grow, was this it? had I really found the girl? the one girl that makes the world dissapear? it wasn't looking very good, I lost my friend, and well that was just one of the issues, after 3 weeks of this passionate hours with this girl, finally I decided to say it, I asked her to be with me, I remember her smile, that was exactly what she wanted to hear, and she said yes, and kissed me deeply, it seemed like our life together was perfect, we spend everyday together, my friends loved her, her friends loved me, it was so close to perfection I couldn't believe my self, I had fallen in love, it was love, that feeling of being in heaven, that feeling of full control, that feeling of devotion towards someone, she said it first, "I fall in love with you a little more everyday" this words will always stay with me, I accepted that I was in love with her, I told her I loved her, our relationship became so loving, so romantic, for the first time I didn't see sex as just pleasure for me, I was making love to this girl, I was kissing every inch of her skin, she was kissing every inch of mine, our desire was incredible, for the first 8 months there was no arguments, no fights, just love, just stupid words like "baby, angel, princess" and I thought this could never ever be any different.

 

My family loved her, her family loved me, it was like she was send from heaven, her body was perfect, her eyes would only be on me, and I couldn't see any other girl like I did her, our life were growing together, and it was a great feeling, me and my friend made up (I am a muscian, we had a band together, the band got back together when we made up) after this, I started being with my friends more often and not with her, I would drink with them and she would just be home, I got a job, and this took even more time from us, she started to hang out some friends, one of them was just this guy who I knew would cause trouble at some point, we started fighting, we would argue about why I would choose other things over her, and I would tell her much I would distrust that guy, she kept saying that there was nothing to worry about, it was just a friend, I didn't trust him at all, she stoped talking to him after a few weeks, which was great on her part, but on my side, I was finding new friends, more alcohol, more things to do that weren't spending my time with her, our fights would just annoy me, I wanted to do what I wanted, this was tearing her apart, she missed me, she wanted to spend as much time with me as possible, but my selfish me kept kicking in, I started taking her for granted in many aspects of our love, I loved her, I loved her to death, but I wanted to do all this things, and she would just get in the way, as horrible as that sounds, thats how I felt.

 

Then that horrible night came in, I decided to come home when she wanted me to see her, and I received a called from an old friend, a girl, a girl who I had slept with, she had just gotten an apt, and invited me to party there, I thought about it, but I still went, I drank, and ended up cheating on her, my feelings were on the ground, I asked my self how could I do this to her? the girl of my dreams? my perfect princess? the guilt in my chest burnt like poison, I finally learned why people cheat, so to somehow fill something that is missing, for me it was my old self, that single alcoholic who didn't care about anything, I didn't want to go back to that, but that day I saw a little of this comes out, I cried my self to sleep that night, I didn't want to lose her, I wouldn't know how she would react, i knew she wouldn't react favorably of course, but I had to tell her, she looked beautiful as always, I told her what had happened, she started crying, got out of my car, and walked away...I tried fallowing her, she said stay away from me "how could you this to us?" it broke me apart, I left the parking lot and a few minutes later she called me, she was full of anger and dissapointment, I told her I couldn't be with her, I couldn't bear the guilt, she deserved someone better, so I broke it off, she tried calling but I just couldn't, it was pain, 2 weeks passed, finally we went out, I was just buying some clothes, she came along, we had an amazing time, we spent the night together, and we made love, it was amazing, that night I felt like she was the one, no one else could ever possibly get as close as she could to my heart, the next day I was ready to fix it, I was ready to stop making mistakes, stop acting like a selfish person, and continue my devotion to her, then someone called, that person said that she had heard that my love had cheated on me with that guy I completely distrusted, i confronted her about it and she said it was true, she had done it, she started crying harder than I had ever heard her cry, she begged me for forgiveness, she said she was scared of losing me, her excuse was that she was lonely, I wasn't give her as much attention as I did, and that guy caught her in a bad time, she stoped it, but it had already gone too far, my pride came back, "how can you lie to me all this time? how can you pretend that everything was ok? I couldnt even go a day with this guilt!" she fell on her knees, begged me to forgive her, " we all make mistakes" its true, but not to me, my perfect angel doesn't make mistakes, I walked away that day, I should've held her and said that I forgave her, after all I had made a similar mistake and she forgave me in the instant I guess I knew why, but my pride was too big, in one hand I had my unconditional love to her, and in the other my pride, my ego, my pain, for the next month, I kept her close enough where we would have days where everything was ok, then when it was too close I would push her away, i knew this was killing her, but she stood there, she took all my mischief, all my anger, she really loved me, but I couldn't aceept it, I had a conversation with someone really close, this person said this words "everyday you are not with her, she moves away a bit more, she becomes numb" I was scared of losing her completely, I asked her to be my girlfriend again, she accepted, then after a day a said I couldn't do it, I wasn't ready to forgive, that was it, the glass had broken, our bond was broken, I tried coming back, this time for real, this time I knew she was all I wanted, I loved her, I didn't want anyone else, I didn't want to kiss anyone else, touch anyone else, it was all her, that day I tried to look my best, I walked to her and said the words that I had said many times before, expecting just to say yes, of course, she was done, she couldn't take, her eyes filled with tears, she said no...for the first time in 2 years she said no to me, she cried deeply, but I knew she meant that no, she kissed me and said sorry, then she walked away, my world crumbled, that was it, love had become a weakness, it had broken my every bone, my every blood cell, she was gone, or so I thought.

 

The next month, I begged her to comeback, I had learned my lesson, but she kept rejecting me, she said she loved me but she couldn't trust me, she couldn't trust that I wouldn't just leave her, she started seeing some other guy, that killed me, I started sleeping around, drinking, smoking, trying to forget, but I would hear about her, and I would just want to forget about her, I tried not talking to her, but the longest we went without talking was 2 days, somehow she would always talked to me, this would tear me apart because I just wanted to be ok, I was so hurt, and she would just comeback, she would say it was too late for us, she liked that guy, and I had messed up, she would reject me, and I just started accepting it, when she started to realize this, she continued to get talk to me, she was holding me there, like a dog, I couldn't bear this feeling, she was seeing someone else, someone else was touching her, and I was sitting her wasting my nights in tears and drunkenness, I missed her, I loved her, she was my world, but she was killing me and I couldn't take it anymore, finally we hung out one day, we kissed, and she said "lets just be friends" this made no sense, so I said, "fine, goodbye, please let me go, just let me go, dont talk to me at least for a while" that same night she called me crying, she said "just give me 3 days" I was dead, I said fine, just leave me alone, we had completely change roles, finally in the third night, she said I just want to be with you, we kissed and now we are trying to re conciliate.

 

ok. so now thats my story lol, a bit long but I hope whoever reads it can get a background to what happened between us, for the 2 years we were together, so now, we are "together" we are not officially bf and gf, we are trying to take it slow, we say I love, we call each other baby, we spend as much time together, we care for each other, we haven't had sex, we have gone really close, but she just says we are taking things slow remember, I cannot deal with that, 2 years of desire, and now she doesn't want to sleep with me? I doubt her love sometimes, I doubt her desire for me, and it kills me, Its been so hard for me to trust her, she has some pictures of her and that guy in her phone, i just took her phone while she was sleep and saw them, should i confront her about it? what if that just kills us? does she really love me? are things gonna be ok? is my princess back? please...help me...or guide my heart to the right directions...thank you.

[juegosdeseduccion]

ok, she acts like she loves me, she calls me all the time, she lets me know exactly what she is doing, she texts me without me having to do anything, she kisses my hand, she kisses my arms when we cuddle, she makes out with me and she is very passionate about it, she just stops it when its going to far, we've had sex, but it was very short, and in the heat of the moment, she doesn't talk to that guy at all anymore, but here comes the true questions, why does she still have pictures of him in her phone? Why won't she have sex with me, when our relationship was so passionate before?....Last night she asked me if I loved her, and how much I loved her, of course I said with everything I have, I asked her the same question and she replied with the same. so its just confusing to me. I can't help it but distrust all this things, like I said I have my guard up all the time.

[Green]

you cheated on her, maybe she can't forgive and forget even though she says she has. Maybe you need to move on and start fresh