44, married and a pickup artist

[Dexter Morgan]

Scrivdog, that was a very interesting post.

 

Yes it was, and notice in both scenarios, it was the woman that was made to look like the ass?

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, I don't think there could possibly be any statistics about this, since those who leave, tell the story; those who stay are too ashamed to tell.

 

If they are ashamed to tell, then why did they keep the cheater? If they are ashamed, then doesn't that pretty much say they made an unwise decision?

[Reggie]

Good for you and them.

 

Should they? I mean, would you even consider that under more favorable conditions? It sounds like you're still not 100% over her, but time cures all love pain if you let it cure it.

You wouldn't believe what people would find marketable. I know women with four kids who re-married and they weren't attractive at all. Regarding infidelity, she can fool some poor guy easily that you were the bad apple and that's why she cheated. I've heard it with my own ears, how guys believe me whatever I say about my exes. I didn't lie to them, but if I did, they would've still believed me, I am sure.

 

Hey, you have five kids! Do you consider yourself less markatable because of that?

 

Absolutely, I'm less marketable. My second set of kids are still quite young, 6,8 and 10. And, I'm pushing 55. I get asked out a fair bit, but the kids scare some folks. I dated a really nice woman for 4 months but, when she saw my commitment to my kids, she bowed out.

Weird thing is that after the breakup, she would e-mail me all the time telling me how much she missed me(strange).

The reality is that at this age, with the testosterone depletion and having already passed on the gene pool(maybe to society's detriment), I'm pretty content being on my own.

I can focus on golf and playing tournaments , again(thank God for this new equipment. Old guys can still bomb it).

The slight temptation to try to make it work again is born out of delusions and dreams re the kids and their lives. Disordered people rarely change and it would be fatal to have additional exposure.

I met a 51 year old woman with a 10 year old boy and we pal around.

[RecordProducer]

If they are ashamed to tell, then why did they keep the cheater? If they are ashamed, then doesn't that pretty much say they made an unwise decision?

You are assuming that they are ashamed because "they made a wrong decision." Maybe they think/know they contributed (e.g. refused intimacy or didn't treat their spouses with respect). Some couples probably think of it as a marriage crisis and people don't disclose their marital problems to you and me.

 

The reality is that at this age, with the testosterone depletion and having already passed on the gene pool(maybe to society's detriment), I'm pretty content being on my own.

Haha! You're funny.

 

This was an EXCELLENT point. You're right. His W could have just gone about behind HIS back and screwed around with other men. But no; she was honest about her feelings. In return he sneaks around. Nice.

... and we assume she never cheated on him because...?

[RecordProducer]

Why would you assume she DID?

Nobody assumes that she DID, but many of you assume she didn't. The fact is, we don't know.

[Dexter Morgan]

Nobody assumes that she DID, but many of you assume she didn't. The fact is, we don't know.

 

Well wouldn't you think that would have been a great piece of info for the OP to offer up to help justify what he is doing if she were cheating?

 

I'm sure if she were, he'd have mentioned it. Or mentioned if he suspects she is.

[travelgirl]

Well wouldn't you think that would have been a great piece of info for the OP to offer up to help justify what he is doing if she were cheating?

 

I'm sure if she were, he'd have mentioned it. Or mentioned if he suspects she is.

 

Because he doesn't even live with his wife during the week and he is so consumed with his own lifestyle, he doesn't care to know what she does while he is gone.

 

Which gets me wondering if maybe W is only more interested in him because he is away more often and NOT because he is so called Mr. Cool now.

[RecordProducer]

Well wouldn't you think that would have been a great piece of info for the OP to offer up to help justify what he is doing if she were cheating?

 

I'm sure if she were, he'd have mentioned it. Or mentioned if he suspects she is.

And you assume that he must know or suspect. It's impossible for him to be clueless about what his wife is doing Monday through Friday while he's away.

[Reggie]

And you assume that he must know or suspect. It's impossible for him to be clueless about what his wife is doing Monday through Friday while he's away.

 

Yes, and she could be a serial axe murderer, too. Or, she is a devil worshipper.

[RecordProducer]

Yes, and she could be a serial axe murderer, too. Or, she is a devil worshipper.

She could be. But the possibility is slim. What's the possibility that a woman who tells her husband "I don't want to have sex with you cuz you just don't do it for me" is having sex with someone who does it for her?

[Reggie]

Depends. She might have other priorities.

[Owl]

What's the point?

 

The original poster hasn't been back since he refused to answer the questions I'd posted to him at the beginning of this thread.

 

This whole thing is a moot point.

 

He came here trying to validate his cheating and flirting by claiming it improved his marriage by improving his self-confidance.

 

But would never admit that his wife would be horrified and potentially leave him if she knew the source of his newfound "confidance".

 

Check please?

[Dexter Morgan]

Bumpin' this post, 'cause this is why I personally think she is NOT cheating. Why some want to assume she is is completely beyond me.

 

They want to assume she is cheating to help him excuse away what he is diong.

[NewKatalyst]

I was doing quite a bit of thinking and I believe that the state of infatuation and seduction that got you your mate to begin with is nearly impossible to sustain.

 

A certain danger comes after the emotions of the love affair have reached a pitch, and they usually swing right in the opposite direction—toward

sloppiness, distrust, disappointment. A deadly sense of entitlement and familiarity takes hold of the relationship.

 

The key to keeping your relationship alive is to never let the other person take you for granted. Use absence, create pain and some level of conflict if you have to, to keep your SO on her toes. She may not like it, but it will keep her excited about you like she was when she first fell for you.

 

You really have to fight the tendency to let things settle into comfort and routine. Stir the pot, even if that means a return to inflicting pain and pulling back.

 

There's a tendency in the "post" phase of the high of being in love to take things more seriously and personally, and to whine about things you don't like. You really need to fight that as much as possible, because the effect will be the exact opposite. You can't control the other person by nagging and complaining; it'll just make them defensive and will also make you seem way less attractive in their eyes.

 

Calling the counselor is the equivalent of calling the teacher or calling mommy to come in and take sides. You hope the counselor will tell your wife that she now has to have sex with you. You can only imagine what a turnoff that must be. I made that mistake and I won't repeat it. Doing the dishes and helping with the housework will be appreciated the first time you do it, and only because you never do it. After the third time she'll be bored with it, will have lost some respect for you, and in fact will be doubly pissed off when you stop.

 

That's where the flirting helps. You stay playful. You tease them a bit, but you never let them think that they own you not that they are entitled to anything. That, my friends, is the key to getting some in the bedroom. Don't get angry at me for pointing this out. I didn't invent these rules, I'm just pointing them out.

[carhill]

Hey, my wife tried that and I said "you're back already?" :D

 

The second suggestion worked far better...

[carhill]

Well, see, on second poop, I can admit my response played into the "game", by myself being aloof and uninterested. It got worse after that

[NewKatalyst]

So, then, it would be okay if your wife "used absence, created pain, and some level of conflict" to keep you interested?

 

What about just being good to each other and always keeping a level of seduction in the bedroom (both directions)?

 

Because it doesn't work out that way. One person usually gets bored and we wind up with the slew of threads from good husbands like I was who never get any lovin'.

[carhill]

.......as she went on to tell me who she flashed her girls to while at the river and I responded how sad for them, etcetera, etcetera

 

NK, it doesn't matter. If she loves you, she loves you. If she doesn't, there's nothin you can do about it. A good woman who loves you won't inspire a thread like this one.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

You're telling me you kept up your end of keeping a level of seduction in the bedroom?

 

Yeah, but it was the wrong bedroom.

[jwi71]

I can't believe this thread is still alive.

 

NK, your "cheat so you look better to the spouse" theory goes down in flames since you refuse to till your W of how you "got better".

 

OWL called it - its good for you but horrible for the marriage. You improved nothing.

[NewKatalyst]

You're telling me you kept up your end of keeping a level of seduction in the bedroom?

Yes! Now I have. Now that I've learned how do do it. Thats what I've been trying to convey on the board. My wife wants sex with me all the time now, just like it was in the old days. Whining didn't work - but treating her differently did.

 

My cheating is a separate issue in relation to what I'm trying to say here. Many times already I've made it clear that cheating is not what improved anything. In fact, I wouldn't advise it.

 

I am saying that the flirting and the seduction "game" that I learned taught me how to do the same with my wife. The fact that I took it a step further is, again, a separate issue and no requirement for the change in yourself.

[carhill]

Time is the arbiter of success. This thread isn't yet a month old. The clock on W's understanding of the real story hasn't even begun to run yet. How long does 18 years seem in comparison?

 

OP, I understand your internal dynamic. I lived it. I've seen how women's (including my W's) responses have changed. It's when the whole truth is out there that you will see the honest construct of your world. IMO, you're not quite there yet. If my experience is any guide, that journey will be a somewhat different one. Good luck!

[Owl]

Yes! Now I have. Now that I've learned how do do it. Thats what I've been trying to convey on the board. My wife wants sex with me all the time now, just like it was in the old days. Whining didn't work - but treating her differently did.

 

My cheating is a separate issue in relation to what I'm trying to say here. Many times already I've made it clear that cheating is not what improved anything. In fact, I wouldn't advise it.

 

I am saying that the flirting and the seduction "game" that I learned taught me how to do the same with my wife. The fact that I took it a step further is, again, a separate issue and no requirement for the change in yourself.

 

Dude...this is where you keep getting it totally wrong!!!!!

 

It is NOT a seperate issue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

IT IS A DIRECT RESULT OF WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO ADVOCATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

That's what makes your advice here so ludicrous. YOU couldn't keep from crossing the line. Neither will the vast majority of others who attempt to use your wonderful "system" to improve their marriage.

 

What you're suggesting simply doesn't work, and makes no sense. Most people will end up DESTROYING their marriage following your 'advice'. They'll end up following in your footsteps...and cheating on their spouses.

 

Think about it. YOU weren't able to pull it off without crossing the line...what makes you think that suggesting something that YOU couldn't do will work for others?!?!?!

 

Sheesh.