He won't marry me after 5 years? Shall I find someone else that will?

[loulou-81]

Hi all!

 

I'm in a bit of a dilemma...

 

My partner and I have been together for 5 years this year but he's not ready for marriage.

 

We met at work (he is Australian 34 and I am English 27). When he's visa expired we went and lived in Australia for a year and when my visa expired in Australia we decided that we wanted different things in the future - I wanted the whole marriage and kids but he didn't. We split up and I returned to the UK alone. We both missed eachother terribly and we decided to give it another go. He didn't partically want to come back to the UK but he did and now we are living in London. I am very social and go out with friends quite a bit, he works from home and doesn't have many friends in the UK. I feel we should get engaged now but he isn't interested. He says we are not ready for marriage (financially and mentally) and that he doesn't want to get engaged either - as he doesn't think long engagements are good things and that when he does get engaged he will be married soon after. I'm not sure what to do really? He says I am too immature to get married and it's not the right time but I just feel as though it's never going to be the right time. I am 27 now, I'm going to be the same person in 3-4 years time so what's going to be different then? I just can't see the day when he'll turn round and say 'Will you marry me'. He'll be happy to go on forever in our relationship and not get married. I know he loves me (as he left his family in OZ and came over and is living here) but is that enough? I feel guilty in even thinking of giving him an ultimatum as I know he's spent a lot and left a lot to come over and be with me. But should I just stay with him and not ever experience marriage or tell him how I feel and be prepared to leave if he still maintains he's not ready?

 

Any help will be greatly appreciated :-)

Thanks xx

[dema1]

The best thing for you to do is follow your heart and your mind. Make sure that they are on the same page before you make your decision.

[Lauriebell82]

Can he at least give you an idea of WHEN he would be interested in marriage? 5 years is a long time in a relationship to not be ready to get married (at least to the person you are with). Honestly it sounds like this guy just isn't in the mindset to get married. He's being honest with you, so it's important that you be honest with yourself. Like dema said, make sure your heart and your mind are on the same page. Do you truley think the relationship has no future? If so then you need to make a decision whether being with him unmarried is something you can live with.

[amymarieca]

I dated a guy for 8 years. After about 5 years we started to talk about marriage. He always seemed to have an excuse as to why he wasn't ready. It changed all the time. I started to get sick and tired of waiting around. I honestly just want a guy who is so smitten by me that I don't need to nag him about getting married. I knew that it was never going to happen with this guy, so I left him. I deserve better than that, and I think you do too. If you really feel as though you will be waiting forever for this guy, then you need to end it. I know it is hard. It took me a long time to finally leave my ex. Don't make it 8 years like I did!

[Joyvke]

Some people just don't value a piece of paper that says "you are married" and value the "I love you" part a bit more.

 

I don't see why you want to get married. It doesn't add anything but a different last name and being a bit easier financially. If you love eachother dearly you don't need it. That is just my opinion tho. If you really love the guy ask yourself, why would you want to get married and why give him an ultimatum?

 

You love someone, because you do, not because a piece of paper tells you.

[2sure]

I don't have good news. My now husband had been in a relationship with over 5 years with a woman when I met him. She wanted to get married, and he didnt. They would go round and round, she would give him ultimatums, and they would break up, then get back together. He never told her he never wanted to get married, and never told her maybe someday. I met him while they were on a "break" and he asked me to marry him on our second date. He didn't believe in long engagements either and we married soon after. His old girlfriend was hurt, shocked, etc. and I can't blame her.

 

I asked him a million questions, probably the same ones she did. He said when a guy is in his 30s and dating someone for that long with no engagement , it doesnt mean he doesn't ever want to get married...just not to her. All the marriage talk got him thinking...and he was open to it when we met.

 

Is your guy giving you any indication as to when he would be ready? If it isnt When I finish school, when I become a citizen, when I lose 10 pounds...those are reasons maybe, the rest are excuses.

[Angel1111]

He won't marry me after 5 years? Shall I find someone else that will?

 

Yes.

 

Telling you that you're too immature is basically saying that you're the reason you're not getting what you want (marriage), that you need to fix yourself because you're not quite marriage material, and that he doesn't think that highly of you. What 2sure says is absolute dead on - most men will not let a woman he loves get away. He may not be clear on his reasons for not wanting to marry you but I wouldn't concern myself with why. If you have to bring this topic up, you've already lost. The truth is, marriage is just a natural progression in a steady relationship. But he doesn't want to get married, and you do. You've just reached an impasse.

[Lauriebell82]

He won't marry me after 5 years? Shall I find someone else that will?

 

Yes.

 

Telling you that you're too immature is basically saying that you're the reason you're not getting what you want (marriage), that you need to fix yourself because you're not quite marriage material, and that he doesn't think that highly of you. What 2sure says is absolute dead on - most men will not let a woman he loves get away. He may not be clear on his reasons for not wanting to marry you but I wouldn't concern myself with why. If you have to bring this topic up, you've already lost. The truth is, marriage is just a natural progression in a steady relationship. But he doesn't want to get married, and you do. You've just reached an impasse.

 

I agree with this. A man who really loves you would want to marry you without you having to bug him or bring it up all the time. You have to decide if being with him is enough to make you happy. If you can't be happy with him knowing he doesn't want to get married, then you know what you have to do.

[norajane]

I wanted the whole marriage and kids but he didn't. We split up and I returned to the UK alone. We both missed eachother terribly and we decided to give it another go.

 

Give what a go? Did he tell you that he had changed his mind and he did want marriage and kids with you? Or just that he missed you and wanted to keep seeing you? Did you get back together with or without a discussion and agreement on what your life goals were?

 

He'll be happy to go on forever in our relationship and not get married.

Don't be fooled by this. He could be happy not married TO YOU, now, but he could also meet a woman he's crazy about and jumps to marry her because he doesn't want to let her get away.

 

How long does he have his visa for? I'd say, if he hasn't proposed by the time his visa is up, you should just end things. No sense in dragging this out any further. 5 years is a long enough time for him to know you. He knows he doesn't want to marry you now, and, as you said, not much is going to change in a few years...except, you'll be that much older and will have missed out on meeting men who might have become your husband.

[chris250]

I agree with this. A man who really loves you would want to marry you without you having to bug him or bring it up all the time. You have to decide if being with him is enough to make you happy. If you can't be happy with him knowing he doesn't want to get married, then you know what you have to do.

 

 

I don't think it's as black and white all the time. A man can love a woman with all his heart and still not get married just because he does not believe in the tradition of marriage.

 

A man can also be in a hurry to get married to a woman for reasons that have nothing to do with love. It is possible for a man to be so eager to marry with ulterior motives.

 

So it could be worse in her situation. She could have ended up with a guy who was so eager to marry her for the wrong reasons. Marriage does not necessarily prove a man's love for you.

 

Having said all of that. I once dated a girl for 4 years. I still love her to this day with all of my heart & soul. Why did the relationship end? She wanted marriage and I told her I was not ready. Our relationship ended 2 years ago and I'm still not over her. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in the future without her.

 

I haven't been able to date other girls because I don't think I'll feel as strongly about anyone else as I did for my ex. The marriage issue just made us incompatible in the end. That doesn't mean I didn't love her. It's just incompatibility. It would be no different than if we were incompatible in other ways. That does not mean I don't love her.

 

Now some might say that if I found the right girl then I would want to jump on the chance to marry her. Not necessarily. It is possible to let the right person get away just because she believes in the institution of marriage when I don't. I think it's an institution of control.

 

Now in the beginning of our relationship the marriage issue was not important to her but as time went on it grew in importance.

 

Now from her point of view she had to end the relationship to protect herself from the risk of being strung along. I do not blame her. If a girl is going steady with a guy for 4 years and he's not ready to get married then I could understand how it would seem like she's wasting her time.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't think it's as black and white all the time. A man can love a woman with all his heart and still not get married just because he does not believe in the tradition of marriage.

 

A man can also be in a hurry to get married to a woman for reasons that have nothing to do with love. It is possible for a man to be so eager to marry with ulterior motives.

 

So it could be worse in her situation. She could have ended up with a guy who was so eager to marry her for the wrong reasons. Marriage does not necessarily prove a man's love for you.

 

Having said all of that. I once dated a girl for 4 years. I still love her to this day with all of my heart & soul. Why did the relationship end? She wanted marriage and I told her I was not ready. Our relationship ended 2 years ago and I'm still not over her. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in the future without her.

 

I haven't been able to date other girls because I don't think I'll feel as strongly about anyone else as I did for my ex. The marriage issue just made us incompatible in the end. That doesn't mean I didn't love her. It's just incompatibility. It would be no different than if we were incompatible in other ways. That does not mean I don't love her.

 

Now some might say that if I found the right girl then I would want to jump on the chance to marry her. Not necessarily. It is possible to let the right person get away just because she believes in the institution of marriage when I don't. I think it's an institution of control.

 

Now in the beginning of our relationship the marriage issue was not important to her but as time went on it grew in importance.

 

Now from her point of view she had to end the relationship to protect herself from the risk of being strung along. I do not blame her. If a girl is going steady with a guy for 4 years and he's not ready to get married then I could understand how it would seem like she's wasting her time.

 

Why didn't you want to marry her? Do you not believe in marriage? If she would have stayed would you have gotten ready at some point? I think your post is interesting and I would like to hear your opinion from a guy's perspective.

[Shygirl15]

Clearly you have completely different priorities in life. Shame you had to waste 5 years stuck up with him, but better late than never. Move on.

[Angel1111]

Why didn't you want to marry her? Do you not believe in marriage? If she would have stayed would you have gotten ready at some point? I think your post is interesting and I would like to hear your opinion from a guy's perspective.

 

Yeah, that's what he said, he doesn't believe in marriage - that it's an institution of control.

[Lauriebell82]

Yeah, that's what he said, he doesn't believe in marriage - that it's an institution of control.

 

Yeah, you are right I went back and read his post over again. Thanks.

 

I guess I thought he was saying that he wasn't ready and not that he didn't want to get married.

[brokenboy]

I think I was (or am!) this guy! I can tell you, there are probably no two relationships like that that are alike. That said, there are probably only a few things going on with this guy that would keep him from moving forward with you. Feel free to add...

 

(in no particular order)...

 

1. he's not that in to you - sad, but it's true that this happens. he's probably comfortable, likes you very much, but when he looks into his future, he sees someone else...

 

2. he's depressed - from what you said of his [non-existent] social life, he might be depressed. he wouldn't be the first man to suffer from that! and that, of course, can influence his self-identity, attitude towards the future, etc.

 

3. he's scared - a common excuse, but perhaps a little therapy digging into the issue would uncover something that can be remedied. men are and can be scared of many things emotionally, duh. if something has him scared good, it's hard to break.

[porter218]

I don't have good news. My now husband had been in a relationship with over 5 years with a woman when I met him. She wanted to get married, and he didnt. They would go round and round, she would give him ultimatums, and they would break up, then get back together. He never told her he never wanted to get married, and never told her maybe someday. I met him while they were on a "break" and he asked me to marry him on our second date. He didn't believe in long engagements either and we married soon after. His old girlfriend was hurt, shocked, etc. and I can't blame her.

 

I asked him a million questions, probably the same ones she did. He said when a guy is in his 30s and dating someone for that long with no engagement , it doesnt mean he doesn't ever want to get married...just not to her. All the marriage talk got him thinking...and he was open to it when we met.

 

Is your guy giving you any indication as to when he would be ready? If it isnt When I finish school, when I become a citizen, when I lose 10 pounds...those are reasons maybe, the rest are excuses.

Wow... that sounds a lot like my H in the beginning.

He had been with a girl for 5 years that kept nagging him about marriage and babies. I think they had gone ring window shopping a few times and she kept picking out the ring for him to buy when he gets around to popping the question...but he never got around to it. He met me when they had just broken up. With in one month he had a ring on my finger and was talking about trying to get pregnant. I never had to pressure him or even ask him for any of those things....he just felt like it was right with me. I think when someone is unsure after 5 yrs then there is a larger problem going on. Not saying that should mean an ultimatum..I think that should mean time to move on because they aren't 'head over heals' with you.

[brokenboy]

I think when someone is unsure after 5 yrs then there is a larger problem going on. Not saying that should mean an ultimatum..I think that should mean time to move on because they aren't 'head over heals' with you.

 

I'd agree 99% with the first half of the sentence. maybe not so much the 2nd. I want to beleive there are different paths to the same point, that being "head over heels", while nice, isn't the only way to love or be in love. If he's holding back, that indicates a 'larger problem'. But I think it's rare - despite the two examples described here! - for a woman to magically turn a guy who *wouldn't* marry to one who will.

 

So for the original poster, I'd still say... there's always hope, but you probabaly have to be proactive and fix the problem.

[Lauriebell82]

I'd agree 99% with the first half of the sentence. maybe not so much the 2nd. I want to beleive there are different paths to the same point, that being "head over heels", while nice, isn't the only way to love or be in love. If he's holding back, that indicates a 'larger problem'. But I think it's rare - despite the two examples described here! - for a woman to magically turn a guy who *wouldn't* marry to one who will.

 

So for the original poster, I'd still say... there's always hope, but you probabaly have to be proactive and fix the problem.

 

Yeah, I kind of agree with that statement. I do know of some instances when men are in a long term relationship and won't marry, then meet someone else and want to get married right away. I can understand some people not wanting to marry others. I'm sorry for the OP, but telling someone that they are too immature to get married isn't very nice or respectful. I think this guy is a combo of a committment phobe, and he doesn't want to marry the OP. If that's the case she should just cut her lossses and move on.

[brokenboy]

Yeah, I kind of agree with that statement. I do know of some instances when men are in a long term relationship and won't marry, then meet someone else and want to get married right away. I can understand some people not wanting to marry others. I'm sorry for the OP, but telling someone that they are too immature to get married isn't very nice or respectful. I think this guy is a combo of a committment phobe, and he doesn't want to marry the OP. If that's the case she should just cut her lossses and move on.

 

I think some/many guys who marry quickly after being in a L/T relationship simply come to realize what they want - marriage, kids, etc. Maybe the entered into the current relationship saying they didn't know what they wanted. Maybe later, they do, but feel for whatever reason they can't re-capture that with their current partner... maybe they can, maybe they can't.

[norajane]

I think some/many guys who marry quickly after being in a L/T relationship simply come to realize what they want - marriage, kids, etc. Maybe the entered into the current relationship saying they didn't know what they wanted. Maybe later, they do, but feel for whatever reason they can't re-capture that with their current partner... maybe they can, maybe they can't.

 

In many of those cases where a quick marriage to someone else follows a LTR, it's my opinion that the LT couple got involved when they were nowhere near ready for marriage. By the time they were ready for marriage, the couple knows each other for so long and so well and have become so familiar with arguments and discussions and whatnot that the "magic" and the "in love" hormones have faded and marriage become impossible for one partner or the other. But after they break-up, then the partner meets someone new and all the in-love hormones are flowing and they've already become ready for marriage, so boom - proposal.

 

It's a matter of timing. That same LTR couple could have been fine together, but they just met when they weren't ready for marriage and missed the peak hormonal moment for taking the plunge while they matured.

[brokenboy]

I think I mostly agree with that. Though, I don't think the implication should be that the LTR *can't* work... it's just that one or the other won't let it. I don't believe that the "magic" is a necessary precursor to a strong healthy relationship or marriage. in fact, I think it's quite the opposite... now if I can convince myself of that...

[chris250]

Why didn't you want to marry her? Do you not believe in marriage? If she would have stayed would you have gotten ready at some point? I think your post is interesting and I would like to hear your opinion from a guy's perspective.

 

I didn't want to marry her because I was not ready to give up my life of freedom. Now this does not mean that I wanted to date or sleep with other girls.

 

What I mean by freedom is the freedom from responsibilities of mortgage payments and buying her jewelry and just having to answer to her when I come home from work.

 

I would have been happy to continue dating her exclusively forever as long as we didn't live together. I like the idea that I'm free to come home without answering to anybody. I don't have to worry about keeping the house clean.

 

Would I have been ready for marriage at some point? Maybe by the time I turned 65 years old and I've retired and done my time in the workforce. I think marriage is more of a need for elderly people who don't want to die alone.

 

I just think it's more convenient to get married after I've lived my life and traveled and done my time in the workforce and after my parents are deceased.

 

Right now I have the luxury to go on vacation whenever I want to. Many times I don't plan it. I just decide the day before many times.

 

But make no mistake about it. It was not easy to let her get away once I knew I was faced with the difficult decision to either marry her and forefit my freedom or keep my freedom and lose her.