Can this be done?

[Lisa]

Do you really think that it is possible or even feasible for two people who have spent 7 months in an intimate relationship to break up and become "friends"? I think they can certainly be civil to each other afterwards, etc. Nodding acquaintances sort of. But, do you think they can do the same things together they did before the mutual and amicable break up only without the romantic trappings? Can they go to the movies together, out to dinner, dance and go to clubs together? All the while knowing that the other person is dating/available to date? Or is this too strange/difficult to imagine?

[Tony T]

It is very, very possible, however it doesn't normally happen. There is an awkward period following a break-up when feelings are still there and both parties need to heal. During this period, it is much better to remain mostly apart. You break up because things just aren't working out...there is no practical reason to break up and then spend lots of time together.

 

People who date are looking for romance and for a mate. Once the healing process is over, two people who have dated can be quite friendly to each other but their agendas are very different. They usually want romance and their attention gets focused in that direction.

 

Things get complicated when one is lonely and wants to get back together and the other doesn't.

 

Two people who are very mature can pull of a post-relationship friendship of varying degrees. But it does take a great deal of maturity. Both parties have to understand that the minute a love interest enters the picture, chances are excellent the friendship will either be terminated and significantly weakened. This is because very few people can accept their significant other having as a good friend the person they dated just before them.

 

To be very blunt, people who break up usually use the promise of being good friends to ease each other's pain but most people usually accept the fact that such a friendship is not very practical.

 

I just don't see how two people who have been in an intimate relationship for seven months can go to movies, dances, clubs, concerts, dinner, etc. without stirring up the same dynamics that broke them apart...unless real time has passed. Then after time has passed, generally the parties really aren't all that interested in spending quality time together because they have moved on, made other friends, have other interests, and have other people in mind to seriously date.

 

The type of question you ask is mostly pondered out of hurt and loneliness. Being friends keeps a tie there because it is so very difficult to accept the fact that something may be totally and completely over.

 

Why this has to be so complicated, I don't know.

[alissa]

Do you really think that it is possible or even feasible for two people who have spent 7 months in an intimate relationship to break up and become "friends"? I think they can certainly be civil to each other afterwards, etc. Nodding acquaintances sort of. But, do you think they can do the same things together they did before the mutual and amicable break up only without the romantic trappings? Can they go to the movies together, out to dinner, dance and go to clubs together? All the while knowing that the other person is dating/available to date? Or is this too strange/difficult to imagine?

 

I think that this might be possible since they only went out for 7 months, but perhaps it's not a good idea. Nothing is ever mutual and amicable. One person always thinks they can get the other one back, thinking it's only a phase or a matter of time. I'd take a break from eachother for a while, don't be dependent on eachother and maybe slowly start hanging out in a group of people so it's not like a date. If you were friends bf going out this will be easier.

[Teresa]

YES! I know so, because alot of my guy friends are exactly that, exes of mine! I feel that alot of times people date and don't hit it off for whatever reasons, but it doesn't mean that there isn't a potential to be friends more so that what the relationship once was! The guys Im friends with, didn't pan out to be boyfriend material, but are some of my closest friends in general.

 

On the other hand, I also feel it depends on the individuals involved. Some people may be better at these situations than others, and some may be just trying to be friends for other alternative reasons. But if both parties are sincerely just being friends..and mean it....a very worthwhile friendship can develop!

 

Do you really think that it is possible or even feasible for two people who have spent 7 months in an intimate relationship to break up and become "friends"? I think they can certainly be civil to each other afterwards, etc. Nodding acquaintances sort of. But, do you think they can do the same things together they did before the mutual and amicable break up only without the romantic trappings? Can they go to the movies together, out to dinner, dance and go to clubs together? All the while knowing that the other person is dating/available to date? Or is this too strange/difficult to imagine?

[Lisa]

Well, I don't have any desire to call him or talk to him or even be around him. Unfortunately/fortunately I have become very good friends with is sister and his best friend and we all frequent the same places a LOT. In fact, 2 days after our break up his sister and I went to a club we all go to, my exbf came in and sat right next to me though there were other seats available. I was uncomfortable, as were his 2 sisters, my gf, and his best friend. Later on he said he was perfectly comfortable. It was just ODD. Mostly because I was used to him kissing me hello and goodbye.

 

So, it's not that I am longing or hoping to get him back. I've already realized that though I may miss a "relationship" it wasn't with him. But I'm just wondering how this will work when I know that in the future we will be thrown together. In fact, his sister and I are attending a conference together soon and he asked if he could go with us. I said no. You are right; there needs to be a break for a while before I think we can be friends who do things together.

 

And I have moved on in a sense; I already have 3 dates lined up for next week with 3 different guys who called when they heard we broke up. And I am looking forward to them. So I am ok with the non-attachment thing; I just wonder how this will work, or even if it should.

 

Because we do have shared interests and because I do respect him and like him as a person, I want it to work. He is someone I would spend time with anyway, regardless of the romantic aspect. I just hope it isn't too difficult.

 

Should I warn him before I show up at our regular places with my dates, or just let it flow?

[Tony T]

Only you can answer that question because you know him best. Generally speaking, you are a free person and you don't owe any ex a courtesy call. But if he may be the type to make a scene or be very hurt, it might be wise to give him some advance warning.

 

In cases where the ex could become violent, it would be important to stay as far away from the places he frequents as possible.

 

Good luck with your new guys. Sounds like your going to be having some fun.