????

[ronlynn]

A long story, but I like to give details........ me and my fiance have been together for almost 7 years now. We met online after both going through divorces. Me married once her twice. Both have freaked out ex's. I am 45 she is 36.

 

We hit off great and have had our ups and downs over the years. She claims I don't listen to her enough and there was some money situations as well. Other than that we both love each other deeply and want to spend the rest of our lives together. We are engaged. She has three girls ( 8,11,14 ) I have two boys 14 and 19. My oldest son has since moved out. My youngest is with his mother....I live with my fiance and her three daughters who I love deeply and dearly like they were my own children.

 

About three years into our relationship, she was going to school and I own my own business. When I wasn't working, I was taking care of the kids and lots of other stuff. While she was in school her mother paid the household bills and I paid for a few things as well.

 

We had this guy who was going through a divorce living with the single guy next door. He pursued my fiance by going to her college during the day while she was there, hanging around the house when I was gone and anytime I was not around. I felt something was up more on his part than hers. So while they got to be good friends, he decided to try and talk her out of being with me and that she should be with him...and we all know the rest of that story.

 

So she calls me at work one day and tells me to come home right away as she needs to talk to me...I come home and she is shaken up and a wreck. She tells me she had sex with another man and of course I knew who it was and she confirmed it was the guy next door. So while I was shook up, but not surprised, I felt betrayed and stabbed through the heart. So she told me that she had feelings for him and didn't know what to do, so I told her she needed to choose between him or I. So while she choose me, he left next door for a week. Then he came back and tried to convince her to get with him. So after several weeks of see-sawing back and forth, we stayed together and worked out our problems. She has felt very guilty about what she did to me since and it has affected her somewhat.

 

So since then, I have also had the thoughts of what happened on my mind a lot. Not that I felt she would cheat again, but the hurt I felt.

 

She finished school with honors and all has been good.

 

So here recently I noticed she was spending more time on the computer than normal. So I installed a keylogger on her computer to do some checking. Maybe not the right thing to do, but if something is going on I want to know about it and try and solve any problems before they get out of hand.

 

So what I found is that she has been chatting with a guy through her Multiply Blog site. Some are public replies, most are private. While nothing has been sexual, this guy she is chatting with is 51, single, lives far away ( how far is far away? ), has no family, drives and lives in a semi truck trucking in Canada and the US.

 

Most of her comments to him have been praising him on his blog postings he writes and he does the same to hers. Hers is mainly about the family while his is love writings, poems, mushy kind of stuff. She enjoys reading his writings and compliments him on his.

 

So I watched for awhile and noticed that he was taking things a bit farther than just online friends. So I asked her about it and got the third degree for "spying" on her. Sorry, but I see a pattern here. She tells him of some of our problems, of course from her rosy side and he comes back and tells her that I could be cheating on her and gambling. That really pissed me off being he doesn't know me or the full story of the situation. He told her she shouldn't marry me and get out of the relationship. Again from a man who failed miserably at his marriage...he posts two different versions of what happened, he left, she threw him out and then he went homeless because of being thrown out. Sounds more like self "pity" to me and to the women he blogs to.

 

So then she tells him about the cheating with the guy next door and she tells him it was her fault and that she is an adult and that it should have never happened and her new guy online tells her it was the guy next doors fault and mine for her doing what she did. So she tells him that it was her fault and he gets mad, and poof goes away. So she sends him a e-mail hoping he is not mad at her and she would hate to lose him for a friend.. no reply from him for two days.

 

Then when he does come back, he tells he that she has stolen his heart and that he has fallen for her. She replies why would he be interested in her and he fills her up with more B/S.

 

So my next prediction to her was that he would give her his phone number and sure enough a couple days later they were exchanging cell phone numbers.

 

I really blew a gasket over that. She tells me that she needs male friends as she has had male friends all of her life. Two of these guys I have met over the years. Both she never felt a love connection with while one of them called her a year ago and asked her to get rid of me and marry him. She told him no, and she hasn't heard from him since. She is hurt over this, but I told her that he was hanging around for so long hoping he would get his chance with her and when it didn't...he was gone.

 

I sent him a e-mail trying to explain the situation and how I didn't care for his interference..... I was the bad guy for doing that. She also told me to keep off her and his "public" Multiply sites.

 

So now my fiance and this guy have been talking on the phone and leaving each other messages. I intercepted a few messages from him to her. He calls at night to tell her and the girls goodnight and he is thinking of them. He also left a message two days ago telling her that he needed to tell her that if she gave him the green light, he would pursue her, but he is respecting the fact she is in a relationship currently. I don't know what her response was to that, but we have been getting along good since and she was talking marriage to me last night. She tells me she loves me deeply and wants to be with me the rest of my life.

 

I have asked her to stop chatting with him and she says she won't because if she does, she feels that I am trying to control her and she won't stand for that. She thinks it's sick of me to ask her that. I started packing and she asked me to stay and that she loved me, but she wouldn't give in on chatting with him. As far as I know, nothing has been sexual or suggested at all. She did tell him once she would never cheat on me again. But then he tells her if she gives the "green light"............

 

So a good female friend of mine says she is having nothing but an "affair of the heart"...but I am not so sure. She says I should stay because I love her deeply.

 

Now I know that some of the stuff I have brought up is like "throwing gas on the fire"...it's kinda hard to keep my mouth shut and keep "walking on egg shells".

 

Almost everyone I talk to tells me I should leave and not put up with it any longer.

 

I guess I am looking for some other opinion on what to do and how to handle the situation.

 

Thanks

[Bryanp]

I think you would have to be an absolute fool to marry this woman. She has sex with your next door neighbor because he was nice to her. She continues to have this online affair right in front of your face with a different man. When you question it she says you are controlling. This is a classic line of a cheater.

 

If the roles were reversed and you screwed another woman who lives next to you; and you continue to phone and have an online romance with another woman who says she loves you - do you honestly think your girlfriend would put up with such crap from you? She is continuing to humiliate and disrespect you. The reason this is happening it is because of her. She allows other men to monopolize her time and feelings with them. I don't mean to be harsh but stop acting like an idiot. She humiliates and continues to disrespect you and there are no consequences to her actions. She knows she can screw your next door neighbor and you will forgive her. She knows she can continue with an online romance with another man and you do not stand up for yourself. You write a letter telling him he is hurting your relationship?...What is wrong with this picture? It is your girlfriend who is allowing this. How can you not see this? She is sending you a clear message she wants other male friends. If you marry her the chances are great that she will continue in this behavior and continue to make you look like a fool. Stop being so co-dependent on her. It is clearly that she does not respect you whatsover. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Would you want one of your sons to grow up and marry a woman who would do these things to him? Open your eyes for gosh sake. Enough is enough! I wish you luck because you will need it if you stay with her.

[Trialbyfire]

Did you ever ask her what happened in her two prior marriages? Were both men also "controlling"?

 

I suspect you understand where I'm coming from. You've got a live one on your hands. She's a serial cheater, using cheating as a coping mechanism for what's lacking inside. You can't fix or save her. Save yourself before you become a wreck.

[lkjh]

Come on man!!! Judge her by her actions. She is a cheater and a little cruel about it.

[ronlynn]

Did you ever ask her what happened in her two prior marriages? Were both men also "controlling"?

 

I suspect you understand where I'm coming from. You've got a live one on your hands. She's a serial cheater, using cheating as a coping mechanism for what's lacking inside. You can't fix or save her. Save yourself before you become a wreck.

 

Her first marriage lasted about a year...she got pregnant, when she told him she was, he slammed her up against a wall and told her either get an abortion or get divorced. She got the divorce.

 

The second hubby, she found out was bi-polar and had many other issues after they got married. Had two girls with him and yes he was controlling. He finally hit her one night and she ended it.

 

As far as I know there was no cheating in the first marriage and in the second, she met me after he hit her and filed for divorce.

[ronlynn]

While I really appreciate all of you opinions on this matter...I have a few more questions for all of you to comment on.

 

1. Was it wrong of me to "spy" on her???? She thinks it is and has broken her trust.

 

2. Was it wrong to send a letter to the guy she is currently chatting with? Like I said, there has been no sexual advances or writings, but when he told her he had feelings for her and offered his cell number, I think that goes beyond the "friends" aspect of having a male online friend.

 

3. What do you think of this guy she currently chats with? In my opinion he has not offered one constructive suggestion for her to fix her problems. She thinks he is helping her by making her aware of things in our relationship that she hasn't "seen". My opinion is that he is doing everything to keep her upset and chatting with him ( remember he is 51, a trucker, lives in his truck, has no home and I would suspect very lonely ) while continuing to cause her and I problems.

 

Thanks one more time

[ronlynn]

 

If the roles were reversed and you screwed another woman who lives next to you; and you continue to phone and have an online romance with another woman who says she loves you - do you honestly think your girlfriend would put up with such crap from you? She is continuing to humiliate and disrespect you. The reason this is happening it is because of her. She allows other men to monopolize her time and feelings with them. I don't mean to be harsh but stop acting like an idiot.

 

Thanks and your not being harsh...my eyes are wide open.

 

I did ask her how she would feel if I had a female "friend" and she said she would have no problem with it even if the female told me she had feelings for me. Yea right is what I think.

 

I even asked her to stop chatting with this guy and it really hurts me that she would put all the time and effort into it. She said she wouldn't. I told her that if she really loved me, that she would do this and she said that I was trying to control her. I just want me and her to work out our problems together with out the interference of outsiders with a different agenda.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry my friend but your judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. Your relationship is now made up of three people:

you, her, and her online boyfriend. What is wrong with this picture? It does not take a genius to know that this truck driver wants to get into her pants yet she tells you that he is some type of marriage counselor?...Oh please. By the way what were the consequences of her screwing your next door neighbor? If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have been so accepting as you have been?

 

Her mantra seems to be that she wishes to have strong male friendships and anytime you question this it is because you are controlling. Apparently she has no boundaries and if you say something then you are controlling. Were you controlling when she screwed the next door neighbor? My hunch is that when you instantly forgave her for having sex with this neighbor without consequences, she completely lost any respect for you. You sent her a message that she can continue having strong male friendships because apparently you are accepting of all of her behaviors. Am I wrong? Please remember this following statement: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Until you understand this then nothing will ever change. Are you willing to spend your life sharing her at the very least emotionally with other men? It is your life but what a message you are giving to your children.

[Trialbyfire]

Her first marriage lasted about a year...she got pregnant, when she told him she was, he slammed her up against a wall and told her either get an abortion or get divorced. She got the divorce.

 

The second hubby, she found out was bi-polar and had many other issues after they got married. Had two girls with him and yes he was controlling. He finally hit her one night and she ended it.

 

As far as I know there was no cheating in the first marriage and in the second, she met me after he hit her and filed for divorce.

What was her family history? Did she have an abusive father?

[ronlynn]

What was her family history? Did she have an abusive father?

 

No he left when she was 7 or 8 I believe. But her father did run around a lot and cheated on her mother.

[Trialbyfire]

No he left when she was 7 or 8 I believe. But her father did run around a lot and cheated on her mother.

Do you recall what I said about coping tools? She started off in an environment of a dysfunctional family unit. Many children blame themselves for what happens with their parents.

 

From there, she's found men who fit her drama cycle needs, whether she provokes it to create dysfunction or she finds men who are dysfunctional. Now she's doing it to you.

[ronlynn]

Do you recall what I said about coping tools? She started off in an environment of a dysfunctional family unit. Many children blame themselves for what happens with their parents.

 

From there, she's found men who fit her drama cycle needs, whether she provokes it to create dysfunction or she finds men who are dysfunctional. Now she's doing it to you.

 

Ok I tend to agree with that to a certain degree. My father was a womanizer and ran around and my mother left when I was 11....but I never cheated around on my ex or my current.

 

So do you think her online friend is dysfunctional? He has quite a childhood story himself. Foster homes, abused sexually as a young child, etc.

[Trialbyfire]

Ok I tend to agree with that to a certain degree. My father was a womanizer and ran around and my mother left when I was 11....but I never cheated around on my ex or my current.

 

So do you think her online friend is dysfunctional? He has quite a childhood story himself. Foster homes, abused sexually as a young child, etc.

So, what do you feel is different about you, than her? She continues to create an ongoing cycle of dysfunction. Look back at your relationships. Do you feel you do too? If not, why not?

 

I have no idea but people make choices in their lives. Do they continue down the path of dysfunction or do they negate it.

[norajane]

While I really appreciate all of you opinions on this matter...I have a few more questions for all of you to comment on.

 

1. Was it wrong of me to "spy" on her???? She thinks it is and has broken her trust.

 

2. Was it wrong to send a letter to the guy she is currently chatting with? Like I said, there has been no sexual advances or writings, but when he told her he had feelings for her and offered his cell number, I think that goes beyond the "friends" aspect of having a male online friend.

 

3. What do you think of this guy she currently chats with? In my opinion he has not offered one constructive suggestion for her to fix her problems. She thinks he is helping her by making her aware of things in our relationship that she hasn't "seen". My opinion is that he is doing everything to keep her upset and chatting with him ( remember he is 51, a trucker, lives in his truck, has no home and I would suspect very lonely ) while continuing to cause her and I problems.

 

Thanks one more time

 

1. Dude, she CHEATED on you and had sex with the next door neighbor. If anyone has broken trust here, it's her! You have every right to demand her passwords to her emails, her cell phone bills, everything. She's supposed to be bending over backwards to rebuild the trust she broke by cheating on you. You have every reason to distrust her.

 

2. You have every right to contact this guy and tell him to back off. However, he is not the problem. Your gf is. SHE should be telling him to back off, and instead, she's encouraging him.

 

3. He doesn't think he's helping her. He's trying to get into her pants.

[ronlynn]

1. Dude, she CHEATED on you and had sex with the next door neighbor. If anyone has broken trust here, it's her! You have every right to demand her passwords to her emails, her cell phone bills, everything. She's supposed to be bending over backwards to rebuild the trust she broke by cheating on you. You have every reason to distrust her.

 

2. You have every right to contact this guy and tell him to back off. However, he is not the problem. Your gf is. SHE should be telling him to back off, and instead, she's encouraging him.

 

3. He doesn't think he's helping her. He's trying to get into her pants.

 

I agree 100% with you. She did rebuild the trust from the next door guy, but now we have the current situation.

 

But hey...to her...it's all my fault. LOL

[ronlynn]

So, what do you feel is different about you, than her? She continues to create an ongoing cycle of dysfunction. Look back at your relationships. Do you feel you do too? If not, why not?

 

I have no idea but people make choices in their lives. Do they continue down the path of dysfunction or do they negate it.

 

I guess what is different from me is that I saw first hand all the hurt my father caused our family by his actions. My mom tolerated it way longer than she should have, but she was a stay at home mom for so many years. Once she got a job and could support herself....she was gone.

 

In her case, I can not explain why she has done what she has done. I guess she likes to hurt and maybe have people take pity on her. She has been through a lot of hurting over the years and when I was moving out the other week, she went on about how it was going to hurt her and the girls. Again I told her she could solve the problem by cutting off contact with her new buddy and I go the same old "your trying to control me" speech.

 

It's not about control for me...I don't want to control her... I want her to be independent, but also to make the right choices as to what is best for her, the girls and me.

 

She seems to want to risk all of that for nothing in return. I guess she thinks if I were to leave, her online buddy would step right in. She told me if I were to leave, that he would not be here in 6 weeks or 6 months.

 

She needs a guy around all the time. He is not that. He is a trucker and I can see him giving up his freedom that his job provides to settle down with a woman known for cheating and with three girls. She could never stand him being gone for long periods of time. She complains about not knowing anything about my business, but she never asked or tried to get involved with it. I don't know how she would know anything about his business or what he is doing when he is on the road.

 

I also think that by her telling him of her cheating with the next door neighbor, that also opened a door for him to now try and get in her pants.... once a cheater...always a cheater they say.

[Trialbyfire]

Here's my two-bits. Your g/f doesn't know how to address her issues. She subconsciously and consciously creates drama to mould her environment into what she's comfortable with and then takes no responsibility for her actions. She has major issues. It wouldn't greatly surprise me if she has some form of mental disorder.

 

The most pertinent question to you is, is this the environment you want to live with, for the rest of your life?

 

Also, are you willing to carry her baggage forever or until you break?

[norajane]

But hey...to her...it's all my fault. LOL

 

What is your fault is staying with her when she's blatantly setting up for her next cheating experience. For sitting there and watching her escalate this relationship, day by day, in front of your face. At this point, whatever happens next, you've already shown her that you'll accept it, since you continue to do accept whatever she does without taking a stand.

 

She needs a guy around all the time. He is not that. He is a trucker and I can see him giving up his freedom that his job provides to settle down with a woman known for cheating and with three girls. She could never stand him being gone for long periods of time. She complains about not knowing anything about my business, but she never asked or tried to get involved with it. I don't know how she would know anything about his business or what he is doing when he is on the road.

 

Listen to yourself - you're actually considering how she would be with him. You're weighing the pros and cons between you and some guy SHE HAS NEVER MET, comparing how her life would be with him as compared to how it is with you.

 

When and why did you giver her your balls? Why don't you want them back?

[Lizzie60]

Wow.. you need to check the definition of 'doormat'..

 

I say .. move on.. kick her out.. she's cheating.. and she won't stop.. and she probably knows your emotionally dependant on her and that she can do pretty much what she wants.. and you'll swallow any lies she tells you.. she's not dumb.. she knows she can play you..

 

You know what you have to do..

[ronlynn]

Here's my two-bits. Your g/f doesn't know how to address her issues. She subconsciously and consciously creates drama to mould her environment into what she's comfortable with and then takes no responsibility for her actions. She has major issues. It wouldn't greatly surprise me if she has some form of mental disorder.

 

The most pertinent question to you is, is this the environment you want to live with, for the rest of your life?

 

Also, are you willing to carry her baggage forever or until you break?

 

Yes she does seem to thrive on "drama"...makes mountains out of molehills. Yes she does have some major issues that to me are no big deal.

 

She says she tries to talk to me and I blow her off or she never likes my responses or way to handle things. So this becomes a problem, to her in our relationship.

 

I am a laid back take it one day at a time type of guy. I don't let little things bother me and I never let things that I have no control over or things I can fix bother me as well. She on the other hand........ thinks this is bad.

 

I don't believe she has mental problems, but maybe again she does. I am not a psych doctor.

 

No I do not want to live in this situation the rest of my life let alone another week. This is why I am planning on the "great escape".

 

Now here is another example of how she thinks........

 

The other week during one of our discussions about all of this....she asked me if I ever cheated on her. I have not and told her no I didn't. She maintains she cheated the one time only and still felt guilty about it since.

 

So then she asked me if I ever have been tempted or offered to cheat. I was honest and told her that yes I have had several offers and declined all of them. Then she wanted to know if it was anyone she knew. I told yes one of them was another mother at the school and I told her who it was and what exactly happened.

 

She went into orbit. She said she had been told by a few other mothers that she shouldn't let me go to school to pick up the girls alone as there were a few women who wanted me. OK what ever...... so she gets all pissed and upset about this certain mom...calls her a skank, etc. I have avoided this woman since she tempted me over a year ago. I just say hi and that's about it. Now I could have taken her up on the offer to get some revenge from her past cheating, but I didn't.... it was way too close to home if you know what I mean. Hell it could have been a trap.

 

So a couple days later....my fiance and I are at school for a field trip. Guess who we bump into when we get back to school...the "skank". So we go up to the classroom before dismissal and she keeps going on about how she is going to go back downstairs and tell the other mom off, etc. I told her to just leave it alone. We went down stairs and didn't see the skank for goodness sakes.

 

So when my fiance went on one day about her having her male online buddy, I asked her if it would be ok ( she already told me I could have female friends ) if went to school and asked the skank to be my female friend. Exchange e-mail addresses and phone numbers. My Fiance went beserk...told me no way.

 

Does that tell you anything more???

[Trialbyfire]

I'm no psych professional but your fiancée has mental issues. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

 

Do make the "Great Escape" and make it YESTERDAY! She's one fracked up woman. RUNNNNNNNNN or if she's living in your home, one figurative well-placed boot to the backside, should get her on her way!

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm no psych professional but your fiancée has mental issues. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

 

Do make the "Great Escape" and make it YESTERDAY! She's one fracked up woman. RUNNNNNNNNN or if she's living in your home, one figurative well-placed boot to the backside, should get her on her way!

 

Great advice! This chick is a nutbar. Marrying her would be like stabbing yourself.

[Spectre]

Dude, why even bother staying with her after she first cheated? Once a ho always a ho. Leave this chick before she winds up giving you an std or causing you to wind up in therapy. Leave her so she is free to tramp all around on her own.

[reservoirdog1]

Hey Ron... I just read this thread after following your link in another guy's post about keyloggers.

 

There's nothing wrong with either of you having friends of the opposite sex. However, this is (or at least bloody well should be) conditional on one thing: they must also be "friends of the relationship". This means that they are supportive of the relationship and want to see it succeed, or at least not want to see it end.

 

Your fiancee's phone/email/text buddy is not that. The phrase I like to use is that he is a "cancer on your relationship". Think about it -- on multiple occasions, he's tried to convince her that HER cheating was YOUR fault, and that she should leave you! HE IS YOUR ENEMY. And as your enemy, and as a cancer on your relationship, your fiancee should cut him out of her life. Because as long as he's in it, he's a corrosive influence on her and on your relationship.

 

Personally, I think you should kick her ass to the curb. She cheated before, and is basically having an emotional affair with this guy. I bet you a pound to a pinch of shyt that she'd already have boned him if he lived closer to you. And I think you know that in your gut as well.

 

But if you do want to stay with her, here's what you should say:

 

"You're right. I have no right to tell you who you can't have in your life. But I have EVERY right to decide who gets to be in MY life. And that does not and will never include a partner or wife who is prepared to blatantly and repeatedly disrespect my feelings and have communcation with somebody who wants to see us break up and who tells you YOUR cheating was somehow MY fault. He is an enemy of me, and of this relationship. So it's your choice: you can either have him in your life, or me. Not both. If I don't have your decision by 5 pm tomorrow, I'll assume you've chosen him, and I'll consider our relationship at an end."

 

She needs shock and awe. Right now she's playing you. Don't let her.

[Gremio]

So now my fiance and this guy have been talking on the phone and leaving each other messages. I intercepted a few messages from him to her. He calls at night to tell her and the girls goodnight and he is thinking of them. He also left a message two days ago telling her that he needed to tell her that if she gave him the green light, he would pursue her, but he is respecting the fact she is in a relationship currently. I don't know what her response was to that, but we have been getting along good since and she was talking marriage to me last night. She tells me she loves me deeply and wants to be with me the rest of my life.

 

She is shady and the guy is an ass.hole. I met someone online through our profession. I can't say what as it may reveal my identity, but we would never have met otherwise. We help each other with what we do, exchanged emails, and so forth, and everything has pertained to our businesses.

 

Recently she gave me her cell number and we have been texting. (She lives across the entire country, 2,500 miles away.) It has mostly been about business but has turned into general chit chat, think water cooler stuff. I have never called her, never suggested a thing, and bring up her husband in conversation once in a while. She has recently offered for me to go on a trip with her and her husband (again, related to our profession). I told her no multiple times, and she has insisted. I then relented and said I will think about it.

 

Now this woman is beautiful, but I would NEVER interfere with someone's relationship, let alone a marrige. I would rather die. I would love to go on the trip as it could expand my career, but I put my mind in the husband's position. I would not want to intrude, to have him worry, and have his mind wander, as yours is.

 

I believe she is being shady and trying to blame you for it. Perhaps she does feel you are controlling, but she shouldn't be dumb enough and see what is happening, that this jerk off is hitting on her and has crossed the line.