Trying time testing my patience...

[wierdmunky]

My parents are very negative people. They always have been, around us, the kids that is. Every time their friends come over, it's like a switch in attitude. They like to find something wrong in anything to complain about it. I don't hate them. I try to be as patient as I can be because they are my parents. It's like no matter what I do though they will always find something that I've missed, and it makes me so angry. We used to get into huge arguments, and I'm not saying it's all their fault, I'm not perfect either but it just boils down to what they think of me at the end of the argument.

 

They don't want to compromise either. They say they are the parents, we are the children and we do what they say no questions. We're all adults too, except my brother who is 14, and I always get caught in the middle of that whenever he gets in trouble. They complain to me, and when I give my 2 cents on ideas, they shoot everyone of those down.

 

Last year my dad was diagnosed with cancer and last weekend he was brought to the ER and it was between me and mom to keep everything going and everything went great, my dad took the infusion mostly great and came home a week later.

 

And the thing is I feel really bad every time he makes me mad. He almost always complains about something all the time, and so does my mother, its like their attitudes are stuck in a pessimistic view of everything. But that is them, even before the illness.

 

The complaining has gone on for so long that I just want to say somewhere along the lines of- but wont so i say it inside - "wow you guys suck, why can't you relax for a minute, things are getting done, all those details that you are worrying about don't even matter. You keep thinking about how wrong everything is, what is REALLY wrong."

 

Whenever they complain I have this need to fix whatever it is they are complaining about so I do when I can.

 

The thing is now whenever my mom asks for something she just sounds SO whiney! like REALLY REALLY whiney. Like the phone rings..."ohhhhh see who that is, check it. check it, check, hurry!...." EVERY SINGLE TIME. Once the phone was ringing and it was literally 2 feet away and she wanted me to give it to her, and I laughed and pointed out that it's right next to her (I thought she didn't realize it was right there) and she goes.. "ahh -- give it to ME!" I thought it was almost childish and I said but it's right THERE and I'm way over here all you have to do is REACH. She mumbles something about how it's because she asked me to get it for her.

 

They are just really pessimistic and "hopeless-no way out" kind of thinking, or at least thats what their tone of voice says.

 

I want to be there for them, sometimes I feel taken advantage of. They will not open up to me, even when I ask questions. They answer but they don't mean anything. If another one of their friends ask, they give them THEM more details.

 

I'm tired of their complains, but I feel like I can't do more unless they let me in anymore. I also overhear them complaining about US as in their kids, and

it really gets to me because I feel like this cycle will never end, and they will always complain to their friends about us, I don't mind if I didn't hear it probably, but they don't really care if I'm around to hear their phone conversations so I do.

 

What should I do to calm myself down?

[Geishawhelk]

Meditate.

Not feed into their controlling negative ways.

 

They behave this way, and it persists, because people feed into it.

They get away with it because people tolerate it and give into it.

What needs to be done is for people to stop propping them up and pandering to them.

We teach people how they can treat us.

 

Are you all living at home?

If you're all adults, you should have your own places. And tell your younger brother you're getting your own pad with a spare room for him to stay for as long as, and whenever he wants.

[wierdmunky]

Yes I am living at home. I don't have my own place-yet. I spent a lot of time spreading school out thin, and working, and an ex-fiance. It's not an exuse, it's just where I thought my future was headed, I thought it was with "HIM" and his family, and his family business - or so I thought, and fully accepted everything that came with that, and now I have to start over. Im not angry over that either because I'm over it and moved on, but I can only go so fast in recovering from all that, and I'm trying my best to keep the momentum, and up it when it's ready. I'm in the process of finding another job right now because the economy sucks, and I have about 6 projects to finish up in addition to finals! ah!

 

I really can't support my brother. I mean I really can't support a 14 yr old, and in all aspects I can't give him everything he needs to be fully functioning/happy, and also living and providing for myself, I just don't have the time.

 

If I don't "enable" them, they blame (insinuate, nag, asian tactic) me for not "caring" which bleeds into every other issue, like our heritage, our moral values, our being able to support each other. I need baby steps to progress because this is how they have been around us since we can remember. It's not HUGE but it has a huge effect.

 

They think I want to change who they are. I don't I just want them to NOTICE what they are doing.

[2sure]

I saw your post over the weekend and have thought about it sincerely.

Your parents, at least your mother...is anxious. Anxiety is a horrible thing. It is very stressful even when it is unfounded. It makes every decision, every act, every change into a nighmare. We laugh in my family now about it and say "We come from nervous people"...but it wasnt funny then.

 

I understand what you are going through, and what your asking because Ive stood in your shoes. And I have no answer except try not to take it on. Try not to perpetuate the "anxious" lifestyle and family dynamics. I have not been that great at that and see my mother in myself more that I had thought. I hope my daughter has more success than I regarding it.

 

I was the youngest in our household, like your brother. Eventually I was the only one left at home. I think after everyone else got out, they kind of forgot about the problem and about me. I took the full brunt of it by myself, no one to share it with.

 

I got over it. I loved my parents, and most of my memories are VERY fond. Anxiety is a bad thing. Let your brother know he is not alone and that it isnt him.

[wierdmunky]

I saw your post over the weekend and have thought about it sincerely.

Your parents, at least your mother...is anxious. Anxiety is a horrible thing. It is very stressful even when it is unfounded. It makes every decision, every act, every change into a nighmare. We laugh in my family now about it and say "We come from nervous people"...but it wasnt funny then.

 

I understand what you are going through, and what your asking because Ive stood in your shoes. And I have no answer except try not to take it on. Try not to perpetuate the "anxious" lifestyle and family dynamics. I have not been that great at that and see my mother in myself more that I had thought. I hope my daughter has more success than I regarding it.

 

I was the youngest in our household, like your brother. Eventually I was the only one left at home. I think after everyone else got out, they kind of forgot about the problem and about me. I took the full brunt of it by myself, no one to share it with.

 

I got over it. I loved my parents, and most of my memories are VERY fond. Anxiety is a bad thing. Let your brother know he is not alone and that it isnt him.

 

 

Thank you 2sure: Perpetuate - thats a good word. I will definitely take that to heart, and I feel your sincerity I love my parents too, its just that toxic block that pushes and pulls you. I 'll definitely try to spread the anti-anxiety attitude around the house, hopefully they catch on, and I'll make a note to show my brother that things aren't his fault, and we can change things. I always think about him being a lone in the house, I guess I'm so used to having to take the siblings to places that I wonder how he'll get around or defend himself with the parents without me just being around, but I forget he's his own person too.