Violator Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 After 20 years of marriage, my wife says she isnt happy and she needs to move out and get some space...after a month, she moves out then says she doesnt want to try to work things out with me. Im devistated, i just wanna quit living. i dont know what to do now. im dead on the inside, it feels like a giant black hole opened in my heart and sucked out the feelings. I hate the feelings i have been having, this is the worst pain i have ever had. everyone tells me to just try to move on and let her go, but we have kids together and we have to have contact with each other to handle the kids. Besides, i really dont want my marriage to end. I love her more than ever after all these years. I cant get her out of my head, day and night i think of her. Every song, everything reminds me of her in some way. What can i do? any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
UnamedSeven Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 I'm really sorry to hear whats happened. Was this all of a sudden? or was it because of how things have been lately? such as, a fight that may have taken some part in this? You cant really do much to take her back, as strange as this may sound, if you tell her you want her back, she will not want to be back. Let her come back on her own or not at all. "Just Keep on, Keeping on". Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 You are heartbroken. Not uncommon and no known cure. Just please know that you are not alone and there are many , many, on the same road. I can tell you that the pain will lessen, each day will no longer feel like a burden, life will improve. Just because thats what it does. Just keep breathing. Keep posting. This is a good place to look for support. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Violator, trust me, this didn't happen in one night. One of two things has happened..... or maybe both, one leading to the other... She's been sad/lonely/dissatisfied/unfulfilled/unhappy for some time, but you haven't noticed, or read the signals. Or: She met someone else. Maybe due to the above. This would give her self-worth and validation, attention, and perceived happiness. She needs to discuss this with you, because leaving means divorce, division of assets, etc. Tell her that a condition of this would be to attend MC, if only to get closure. My feelings are that for her to decide to walk out, any chances of recuperating this are slim. Thell her MC isn't about staying together, it's about communication, so that at least you could try to understand..... Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Violator, I feel for you friend my wife of close to 16 years did the same thing recently and decided she wanted to be free..I know what your feeling like your world has come crashing down everything you have known, the future dreams all seem lost and its hard to deal with. It has been a month for me and there are great people on here who care and have been through the same stuff. Keep posting and you will get sound advice. My heart goes out to you because I am you and you are me...were both in the same situation....... my prayers go out to you... Link to post Share on other sites
misternoname Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Ditto...my wife of 24 years decided she wanted to experience "adult life." We were married very young so neither of us ever experienced single life. Unfortunately, I discovered right around the time she moved out that she was having an affair with some player she met in a pick up joint. She thinks the grass is greener on the other side. I think what she'll soon discover is that it's just different grass! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Violator Posted November 28, 2008 Author Share Posted November 28, 2008 Thanks all for your posts. To answer the questions, i guess i was so caught up in trying to repair my own life issues, after my breakdown, i didnt see this coming. She says she has been telling me in her own way, but i just didnt listen, she swears there is no one else, but im not convinced. (maybe its my own insecurities coming out..who knows?) I really feel torn between letting her go and waiting her out. She says its for good but i just cant believe she would throw away our mariage this easily. She did come for dinner tonight, she cant resist my steaks, haha. Ill try not to read too much into it, as i've already had my guts ripped out once no need to go through that again. Thanks for the advice, ill try to remember to update this thread more often. Link to post Share on other sites
What Now Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 I am right there with you man! My wife did the same to me this past week or so. I am devistated, hurt angry, plus whetever other emotion you can think of. I am surprised at how many of us guys have found this same site and are experiencing the same issues.......damn women! Like you I still love my wife dearly and would love to have our marraige, I can't believe she is willing to toss it and the lives of our kids into turmoil for no real good, concrete reason. I have no advice except that, just know that we are all with you and feel your pain. They say it will get better.................... . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Violator Posted November 29, 2008 Author Share Posted November 29, 2008 Well, she came, we ate, she left. Nothing bad happened, but nothing really great happened either. I can say that this was the first time I didnt open my mouth and try to fit my foot in. We did not discuss our relationship and that was good. I really wanted her to stay the night, but I didnt ask her to do that, well not seriously anyway. I felt really good after she left, no bad dreams keeping me awake last night. Im not sure how to take all of this. Im sure everyone has alot to say, but no matter how many times I hear the words "You'll get through this" or "Lots of people go through this". I cant help but feel alone in this. This is the most personal kinda of pain for me. Im not used to expressing my feelings like this. For God sake, I'm a man and I shouldn't be feeling this way. Self pity is not good for my ego. I have to push through this just to show myself that I'm still the man I thought I was. And yes, Damn women!! If only for making a grown man feel so weak and soft. If I could have seen into the future when I was a young, I'm not sure I would have married her. I'm very sure I would not have opened my heart to her. And I am very sure I will never make this mistake again. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Have you considered/investigated that she's likely seeing someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Well Violator, all I can do is welcome you to the club. Walk away Wives are all the rage these days. All want "space" or to have the oppertunity to see if they can live as adults on their "own". This is almost always code for I have a new/old love that I want to share my sex organs with and you get in the way. Sad but true sport, but that's the truth of it. Time to get out there and begin making the most of the rest of your life. It ain't easy, it's all you've got though. Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Wow... I am going through the same thing with my wife.. she jus threw away 16 years together... I hate to think that it was for someone else....it breaks my heart anyway but thinking it might have been for someone else makes it all the harder to deal with.......... Your in my thoughts violator... Link to post Share on other sites
Flame84 Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 Well, she came, we ate, she left. Nothing bad happened, but nothing really great happened either. I can say that this was the first time I didnt open my mouth and try to fit my foot in. We did not discuss our relationship and that was good. I really wanted her to stay the night, but I didnt ask her to do that, well not seriously anyway. I felt really good after she left, no bad dreams keeping me awake last night. Im not sure how to take all of this. Im sure everyone has alot to say, but no matter how many times I hear the words "You'll get through this" or "Lots of people go through this". I cant help but feel alone in this. This is the most personal kinda of pain for me. Im not used to expressing my feelings like this. For God sake, I'm a man and I shouldn't be feeling this way. Self pity is not good for my ego. I have to push through this just to show myself that I'm still the man I thought I was. And yes, Damn women!! If only for making a grown man feel so weak and soft. If I could have seen into the future when I was a young, I'm not sure I would have married her. I'm very sure I would not have opened my heart to her. And I am very sure I will never make this mistake again. Please Dont Say that. My Husband went throught the same pain once when he was very young. and now im suffering , i love him like crazy but he refuses to open his heart and express his emotions. and now we are getting seprated casue i dont feel loved and he dosent feel he can give me what i deserve.... im sure your wife is NOT OK too.... no way she is. im sure she is going through the lonliness. pain.worry., the change ... all the solids in her lif is all changing.thats not easy for her as well.. dont close your heart. even if she was unfair to you.one day you will find someone who will love you just as much as you love them...... Link to post Share on other sites
john30 Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 Sorry for your pain guys. I know how much it hurts and I'm sorry but there's no quick fix. My wife of 10yrs left me back in February this year. Usual excuses, need space, time to think blah................ What she really meant was she'd found someone else but didn't have the guts to tell me straight and I'm never gonna accept those statements of...... You didn't understand her, you must have failed her in some way because throughout our marriage I always treated her with respect and put her first. Anyway, she seemed to take great delight in ripping my guts out and I didn't even recognise her as a person anymore. One things for sure, I've been where you are and it DOES get better, wont feel like it right now but it does, trust me on this! Good luck, John. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 It's often noted that a wolf will violently chew it's own paw off to escape a trap. That said, I believe that when one's SO turns nasty once they've realigned their alliances with another person it is because they now envision themselves as that wolf in a trap, the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
danny407 Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 Man I am sorry sorry to hear this happened to you! This happened to me this week too. Married 8 years 2 kids and she just and leaves! The whole i need space and don't love you thing you know. Please keep coming back here there is a lot of great support here. This site has helped me live this week. I just keep getting stronger but it over yet. Just don't nag and push her or you will get a eye opener. Take care friend and best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Violator Posted December 5, 2008 Author Share Posted December 5, 2008 Well, I figured I would ask her to give it one more try, she says she'll think on it and let me know.......hmmm. She did hit me with that crap about wanting to see if she could make it on her own....Holy crap do all women think alike? I cant believe that she is using the same lines as some of your ex's / wives. Wow. I'm shocked at how similar these situations are. Is there something truly in the air? I'm afraid if there is someone else, how I would take it, you know being lied to about it is worse than being told the truth in the begining. I already feel betrayed and my self esteem is crap. If this isn't the bottom then I dont wanna see how deep the hole goes. I am doing better and hearing from all of you helps me out...alot!!! Thank you all. I'm not sure how well I'll hold together through all this, but if I come out of this in one piece, I'm gonna be a much stronger person. I have no doubt about that. I used to listen to a rock band called Queensryche, and they had a song "I don't believe in love". I should have taken that to heart. I think it would have saved me from this pain and emptiness I now feel. That's a motto I'm gonna live by from now on though. No more love, no more pain. I know it sounds harsh but I can't ever go through this again. Anyone thats been here knows they never want to feel this ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 "I get knocked down!, I GET up again, they're NEVER going to KEEP me down!' Thank God I adopted the Marine Corps attitude of "Come on "Life" what have you got to offer me? Give me your best shot? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Violator Posted December 7, 2008 Author Share Posted December 7, 2008 Well, today is the first time I'm watching the kids for her so she could go out with her friends. It was hard to do. But I have to show her some trust, right? I really hope I don't regret this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Violator Posted December 7, 2008 Author Share Posted December 7, 2008 Thanks for the concern Flame, but i cant see myself ever opening up for anyone ever again. She was the first and the last person I'll ever let hurt me again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Violator Posted December 8, 2008 Author Share Posted December 8, 2008 I'm not sure how to say this. She called me to pick her up from her christamas party last night. When I took her home, I went inside and we talked for a bit, we had sex and I left in the best mood I have been in, in months. It was awesome. She opened up to me more then she has in at least a couple years. The problem is...today she was a different person then she was last night. She was right back to the indifferent person she was before. I'm pretty certain she regrets doing it with me. I don't regret it a bit. I'm not sure what she means by this but she said she needed to see if she felt anything for me, so she went threw with it. I am positive she felt something, because its been a long time since she was so passionate. I'm not sure what to think now. She still says she isn't ready to try to work things out. I don't know what to do about this situation. Any ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
LostHusband Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Sorry but sex isn't going to change anything in her. It was fun sure, but it won't change the way she feels. I've been there - many months of the most passionate sex we've had in a long time, before and after the separation. But that's all it was for her, fun. Although, hell, I'd do it again if I had the chance... Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 i really dont want my marriage to end. I love her more than ever after all these years. I cant get her out of my head, day and night i think of her. Every song, everything reminds me of her in some way. Tell this to her. Show it, too. Link to post Share on other sites
danny407 Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 I'm not sure how to say this. She called me to pick her up from her christamas party last night. When I took her home, I went inside and we talked for a bit, we had sex and I left in the best mood I have been in, in months. It was awesome. She opened up to me more then she has in at least a couple years. The problem is...today she was a different person then she was last night. She was right back to the indifferent person she was before. I'm pretty certain she regrets doing it with me. I don't regret it a bit. I'm not sure what she means by this but she said she needed to see if she felt anything for me, so she went threw with it. I am positive she felt something, because its been a long time since she was so passionate. I'm not sure what to think now. She still says she isn't ready to try to work things out. I don't know what to do about this situation. Any ideas? See this is the crazy crap I am talking about. Women are nuts. My wife left we are seperated. She treats me like crap. Then the last 2 visits we have sex! Although we are still sperated and she still thinking. I feel your pain man! Crazy women ahhhh....... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Stop having sex with her. If she wants to seperate don't act romantic at all with her and keep it strictly business when you talk with her. Give her exactly what she says she wants. If you want any chance of saving this marriage you have to show her that you can be stong and happy without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts