20 years and she leaves me

[RecordProducer]

Stop having sex with her. If she wants to seperate don't act romantic at all with her and keep it strictly business when you talk with her. Give her exactly what she says she wants. If you want any chance of saving this marriage you have to show her that you can be stong and happy without her.

This could be good advice, but if the woman felt unloved for 20 years, then this would only convince her even more that she wasted 20 years.

 

The geenric rule should be: whatever she (says) she was missing in the marriage - give it to her now. Correct her opinion of/feelings for you, show her that you can change. You shouldn't show that you're desperate; just show genuine desire to make her happy. After twenty years, you have a higher chance of working this out than if you were married for five years.

[Violator]

RP, I have told her this. Thanks. Maybe I should tell her again.

[LakesideDream]

This could be good advice, but if the woman felt unloved for 20 years, then this would only convince her even more that she wasted 20 years.

 

The geenric rule should be: whatever she (says) she was missing in the marriage - give it to her now. Correct her opinion of/feelings for you, show her that you can change. You shouldn't show that you're desperate; just show genuine desire to make her happy. After twenty years, you have a higher chance of working this out than if you were married for five years.

 

 

RP, you always have the finest avatars! On to the mess. "Give her what she was missing". That worked for me perfectly. My ex told me she was missing her "one true love" her "soulmate" for the whole 25 years of our marriage. I gave her the freedom to have him. They are living "happily ever after". So your advice worked for me.

[Violator]

OK, Its time for me to confess. I have not told everyone the truth of our situation.

The last 8 years have been very hard on both of us. I had a mental breakdown in 2001. I went into a the deepest depression I have ever heard of for 10 months (I wouldn't even leave my house and all I did was sleep). When I came out I went manic and spent everything we had saved on band equipment. I was convinced I could be a rock star. Oh, I don't play an instrument at all, ha, I can't read sheet music either. It's been tough, I was diagnosed as Bi-polar and prescribed pills to help control the mood swings. The meds they first prescribed were bad and made me violent, I NEVER HIT HER OR THE KIDS!!! I did hit the walls and broke a few dishes. And finally tried suicide to stop the anger and frustration. We finally figured out it was a bad chemical reaction I was having to the pills. I have been on my current meds for 3 years and am doing great. Here's part of the issue, I have been so busy trying to piece my life and my head back together. I have neglected my relationship with her. And, she has had to become the primary source of income for our family. I HATE that, but it's the only way we made it through all this. I have been stuck in a rut, thinking that all I could do the rest of my life was sit around and be mister mom. I didn't see that she was reaching out to me. I am a good guy, I don't have drug or alchohol issues. I've never been arrested. And now, I'm back in control of my life. But, I fear that it could be all too late. I'm very afraid that all this has been for nothing. I used her and the kids as my focus for getting better and regaining control of my issues. If she leaves it's all been for nothing. And now I'm all alone. I don't know how I'll deal with it. I am to blame for all this. I don't think she's cheating. I think she has had enough of being unhappy. I guess all I can do is show her that I'm now a changed and better man than I ever was. So now you guys have a better understanding of this situation. What do you think?

[RecordProducer]

RP, you always have the finest avatars! On to the mess. "Give her what she was missing". That worked for me perfectly. My ex told me she was missing her "one true love" her "soulmate" for the whole 25 years of our marriage. I gave her the freedom to have him. They are living "happily ever after". So your advice worked for me.

OMG, I am so sorry to hear that, but it's funny how to translated my advice. Thanks for the compliment.

 

Violator, I know it's difficult to cope with mental illness; as much as it's been difficult for you, it's been the same (or even more) difficult for your wife. She is probably tired. I am glad that the current meds work well. I think what she's missing in the marriage is fun times. For years, everything she saw was problems and difficulties. Fun times can be anything from laughing to romantic dining, from taking trips together to erotic pleasure. Talk to her in a friendly way, team up and try to be on the same side when you communicate. Give her the fun times, the romance, the passion, the easy-going life. Break the dark cycle and brings some colorful lights into your relationship. Start as friends, if necessary, and slowly introduce romance and intimacy until you've convinced her that she is going to have a good life with you.

 

Life (and marriage) is not always roses, but if it becomes nothing but thorns, then people walk away from the heavy situation. And start making money.

[LakesideDream]

OK, Its time for me to confess. I have not told everyone the truth of our situation.

The last 8 years have been very hard on both of us. I had a mental breakdown in 2001. I went into a the deepest depression I have ever heard of for 10 months (I wouldn't even leave my house and all I did was sleep). When I came out I went manic and spent everything we had saved on band equipment. I was convinced I could be a rock star. Oh, I don't play an instrument at all, ha, I can't read sheet music either. It's been tough, I was diagnosed as Bi-polar and prescribed pills to help control the mood swings. The meds they first prescribed were bad and made me violent, I NEVER HIT HER OR THE KIDS!!! I did hit the walls and broke a few dishes. And finally tried suicide to stop the anger and frustration. We finally figured out it was a bad chemical reaction I was having to the pills. I have been on my current meds for 3 years and am doing great. Here's part of the issue, I have been so busy trying to piece my life and my head back together. I have neglected my relationship with her. And, she has had to become the primary source of income for our family. I HATE that, but it's the only way we made it through all this. I have been stuck in a rut, thinking that all I could do the rest of my life was sit around and be mister mom. I didn't see that she was reaching out to me. I am a good guy, I don't have drug or alchohol issues. I've never been arrested. And now, I'm back in control of my life. But, I fear that it could be all too late. I'm very afraid that all this has been for nothing. I used her and the kids as my focus for getting better and regaining control of my issues. If she leaves it's all been for nothing. And now I'm all alone. I don't know how I'll deal with it. I am to blame for all this. I don't think she's cheating. I think she has had enough of being unhappy. I guess all I can do is show her that I'm now a changed and better man than I ever was. So now you guys have a better understanding of this situation. What do you think?

 

 

Think? Hmm. You lied on this board for sympathy. You've probably lied to your wife throughout your relationship for similar reasons.

 

I think you need to give her a break. She now sounds like a saint. Go and bother your family no more! Let them live in the peace you now want for yourself.

 

You made your bed, now be thankful you still have one to sleep in. Chances are a box under a bridge isn't to far in your future.

[Violator]

I didn't lie. I just didn't wanna give out too much info on my life. I never once lied. Everything on here is true. And she has read it and had no problem with what I put on here. Gimme a break man. When I said the "truth" of the situation, I meant that I hadn't told the entire situation to you all.

I don't lie. It's the one thing I hate about people. I wouldn't lie on here because I need the input to be truthful. Believe me or not I don't care.

I came here for others input on my situation, I figured I better say what has gone on before she hit me with this crap. We were getting along fine for the 3 years. The five before that were rough. And before that the only real problems we had were financial.

There's my life story man.

[RecordProducer]

Think? Hmm. You lied on this board for sympathy. You've probably lied to your wife throughout your relationship for similar reasons.

 

I think you need to give her a break. She now sounds like a saint. Go and bother your family no more! Let them live in the peace you now want for yourself.

 

You made your bed, now be thankful you still have one to sleep in. Chances are a box under a bridge isn't to far in your future.

LD, this is a bit harsh and not very constructive, hon. He didn't lie to us; he told us the whole story in his second post. It's not his fault that he is ill. It's the same as telling a woman who fought cancer for years that it's her fault that she neglected her husband.

 

When your body is affected by illness, you can't use it properly. Same for the brain. We may understand why his wife left, but we shouldn't blame him for something that's beyond his control.

[jmargel]

Are you going to couseling for yourself? IMO you should go, then after awhile invite your wife along. Don't let it get to you if she decides she doesn't want to go. She needs to get herself together first. Perhaps this is part of all of it. In order for her to even think about the marriage, she needs to get her own priorities in order first, just like you need to.

 

When she does talk to you and even when she tells you how disappointed she is in you, don't interrupt her. Let her talk, tell her 'I understand' and pay attention. Show and live confidence, the world does not revolve around her nor does it you. Pull your own self-worth out of this marriage, the way you have it setup is that if your marriage ends, you end. You cannot live life that way, you are setting yourself up for failure and it's too much weight to put on your spouse's shoulders.

 

We've all encountered heartbreak and loss of a long term relationship. It's a hard thing to get through but you do get through it. Set short term goals for yourself and your children. Accomplish them. Start focusing on what YOU can do to make your life better.

 

Your wife didn't leave you because you were a bad person, she left because it became a bad situation. That means you can change a situation around if both of you want it, however in order for that to even be a thought you need to find the root of your issues and start to work through them with a counselor.

[Violator]

I'm not as bad as you may think. I'm not sick with a disease. I had some issues and now I have dealt with them. I came out of that a long time ago and I came out of it a better person than I was before. Now I am about to lose the one person in my life that I love the most. It's not about my past, it's about the present. She is leaving because I didn't understand when she tried to tell me that I wasn't spending time with her, she is leaving because when she said she wants to do things together I was hearing that she hated the things I was doing and she wanted me to stop doing the things I liked to do. She is leaving because I didn't listen to the meaning behind what she was saying. I have no idea what to do next. All I can do is hope she will see how much she really means to me. I hope she will see that I would never let her down again. I don't know if the things I do will save our marriage. But if it doesn't I don't know how to go on. I can't see myself without her. Life just isn't worth the trouble unless you have someone you love to share it with and she is the only person I will ever love like this. If this is the end of us, then I'll never love another person again.

[Violator]

LD, I don't know what your problem is, but I had nothing to do with it. I did nothing to "bother" my family. She left the children with me. She left with unpaid bills. She took money we needed for those bills and used it to get an apartment. Saint? no. A bad person? no. I'm not a wife beater or an abusive person. And if one day I end up living in a box under a bridge...I'll think of what you wrote and laugh. I don't know what you thought when you read my thread but I hope you go back and reread it because I didn't lie one time. I don't like telling people about my personal problems. And now I will rethink the advice I get here. You may as well be telling me to eat a bullet. Don't get your hopes up...I'm much stronger than that. I hope you get your issues dealt with. I wish you the "peace" your obviously looking for.

[LakesideDream]

LD, this is a bit harsh and not very constructive, hon. He didn't lie to us; he told us the whole story in his second post. It's not his fault that he is ill. It's the same as telling a woman who fought cancer for years that it's her fault that she neglected her husband.

 

When your body is affected by illness, you can't use it properly. Same for the brain. We may understand why his wife left, but we shouldn't blame him for something that's beyond his control.

 

 

Lie by omission? Well who really cares eh? When we as a society are satisfied when our President says "it depends on what the definition of is, is, I guess fact and fiction is just a matter of where you put your own personal line.

 

OK, he's a Prince. My bad.

 

And RP, I have this crazy out of control young cat. Bounces off walls, attacks everything that moves.. energy abounds. I don't "blame him" for being a crazy feline. He is what he is.

 

Oh, and finally for the Original Poster... I don't have "issues". I am a grown up. I have problems. I have ideas. Having "issues" is for people who don't take responsibility. Issues is a word that no longer has a meaning.

[cyabye]

Oh, and finally for the Original Poster... I don't have "issues". I am a grown up. I have problems. I have ideas. Having "issues" is for people who don't take responsibility. Issues is a word that no longer has a meaning.

 

I agree 100% with this statement regarding people with "issues".

 

cyabye

[RecordProducer]

It's not about my past, it's about the present. She is leaving because I didn't understand when she tried to tell me that I wasn't spending time with her, she is leaving because when she said she wants to do things together I was hearing that she hated the things I was doing and she wanted me to stop doing the things I liked to do. She is leaving because I didn't listen to the meaning behind what she was saying. I have no idea what to do next. All I can do is hope she will see how much she really means to me. I hope she will see that I would never let her down again.

Well, since you know what she was missing, show her that you can correct those things and be the husband she wants.

 

I don't know if the things I do will save our marriage.

You have to have faith. The more effort you put into something the more chances for success. Moreover, the easier it is later to accept the things you can't change if you know you've done all that's in your power.

 

But if it doesn't I don't know how to go on. I can't see myself without her. Life just isn't worth the trouble unless you have someone you love to share it with and she is the only person I will ever love like this. If this is the end of us, then I'll never love another person again.

This clingy attitude will not bring your wife back. Pick up yourself and for starters, be a cheerful, self-confident man. Flirt with your wife, seduce her, take her on a romantic date. Don't act desperate, don't whine or cry. Tell her in a light tone that you realize you weren't always there when she needed you and you regret it.

 

If you're desperate before you've put any effort into saving your marriage, then you don't intend to put any effort. You've already given up. If you intend to put effort, then don't despair until you see the outcome.

[pelicanpreacher]

1) You brought this down upon yourself with the mania and all that you did when indulging your delusion which planted a deep seed of resentment in your wife that she continues to harbor today. This may be her justification for taking money that was supposed to be set aside for the bills in the same manner you did when you blew the family savings on your rock and roll fantasy (her hard earned money since you were'nt working at the time).

 

2) Even after you got your meds corrected you continued behaving in a self-indulgent manner which may have been fine for you but only deepened her resentment that was sown so long ago.

 

Let's face it ... you've exhausted her. She's exhausted mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally and she has had enough. Leaving you with the kids was her way of forcing your attention's sole involvement with their day to day needs just as she's done throughout your marriage so that she could finally start looking at life your way and become self-indulgent herself. I don't know what lies in your future regarding your marriage but, for the moment, it lies comatose in ICU being sustained artificially on life support with a do not resucitate order in place if she determines that life's better living without you than with you.

[Violator]

I actually thought this was a place where I could get some good solid advice. I see I was wrong. This is a place where you people can condemn others that don't wanna think like you. I'm very sorry I ever found this site. You al have so much hate in your hearts, it really saddens me to read the posts.

Good luck to you all.

This is my last post.

[LakesideDream]

I actually thought this was a place where I could get some good solid advice. I see I was wrong. This is a place where you people can condemn others that don't wanna think like you. I'm very sorry I ever found this site. You al have so much hate in your hearts, it really saddens me to read the posts.

Good luck to you all.

This is my last post.

 

 

To bad. There is good here when you "work" the board. The people here have experiance with what you are going through. Record Producer has given you a lot of time, and effort, both with advice and support. You are better off using it than not.

 

No one will miss you if you leave, we here won't have any "abandonment issues" so.. Bye.

[TrustInYourself]

If you continue to take, without giving in a marriage. There will be no marriage. You want her back. Start giving. Even then, she may not be willing to accept you back into her heart, after all the pain she's endured.

 

If you truly love something, you should be willing to let it go to find happiness. Whether that is with you or on their own. Take care in these rough times, V.

[RecordProducer]

I am very sorry that you felt that we were all hateful. I only saw one poster who blamed you (and I'll put him in the corner for that! )

In any case, good luck to you. I hope for your own sake that you don't always focus on the negative and ignore the positive, as you did in this thread.

[pelicanpreacher]

The problem you face here is that we won't be swayed to think like you....

 

The fact is, support doesn't neccesarily come with hand holding or a lot of "rah rah sis boom bah's". When you get support here many will ask you to take a hard look in your mirror's reality so that you fully understand your circumstances and maybe learn and grow from your experiences so that you don't repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again. If the truth is not what you seek then let your ignorance be better than bliss for life has a way of repeating itself every time it's cylce comes full circle time and time again.

 

You've experienced selfish self-indulgence throughout your marriage so it may be time to experience selfless unrequited sacrifice for a lengthy measure of time in an effort to make atonement. In doing so while allowing your wife to indulge herself with exceeded reciprocity to the width and breadth of your own timespan (say the next 16 years of your life) your marriage's karma may be balanced to restore equilibrium and fulfillment to your life!

 

The question that begs though is do you have the strength of will to make such a radical change for that length of time to the essence of your core being to recapture your wife's love and devotion? Sorry if this is not the quick fix you were hoping for but, as solutions go, its journey into your self awareness of empathy and sympathy is bound to make you a better and more loveable man for putting forth the energy and effort to accomplish it.

[Gunny376]

If your looking for sympathy look it up in the dictionary between the words s**t and sylvius. Nothing but tough love here. In real life that's really the only place your going to find it.

 

Were you an alcholic, and went to an AA meeting you're going to meet with the same thing. Ditto with a NA meeting.

 

There is such a thing as lying by ommission.

 

You can lie to us, but we're not going to let you lie to yourself!

[Billy Bob]

His wife is the primary bread winner? He's been piecing his life together for the last 3 years.. at some point enough is enough.. Let her go..

 

I'm remarried to a wonderful woman who tried to keep her marriage and family together for 10 years to a husband spiraling downwards with drug use, he put them though a bankruptsy, physically abused her, ended up having an affair with another drug user.... it was an awefull situation. After 10 years she decided enough was enough..

 

He's now in prison, she is now happily married to me. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side.

[Violator]

I apologize for getting upset with you all. You are just trying to help me out. Just to let you all know, she has moved back in with me and we are going to work things out. She was infatuated (Spell check. lol) with an older guy at her work and believed that she could be with him, I called him and we talked. He is in a relationship already and she was creating a fantasy love affair in her head, the are just good friends and he was comforting her and she got the wrong idea about him he has been trying to help her out and telling her to try to work things out with me. He has been through this himself and thinks she should have told me long ago how she felt so it never would have come to this. I know now that things need to change here at home so she won't have these feelings that made her do this in the first place. I just hope she will be willing to really give this her all. I need to take this slow and let her heal, but I also want her to know that I'm always here for her.

 

By the way, all of you who may have the wrong impression of me, I really wasn't looking for sympathy, I just didn't know how to handle this situation. I have never been through anything like this before. I havn't been myself for the last 2 1/2 months. I probably gave you all the wrong impression of me and I'm not a bum thats taking advantage of the situation I'm in mentallly, I have been working and earning money to help support my family, Just not the same income as I had before my breakdown. I'm also not an abusive person, it was the medication my idiot doctor had me on, he was no longer my doctor after that, we found the right meds to get me through the tough times and for the last 3 years I have been working and trying to get back on my feet. I have a hard time communicating through this forum. So if you think I'm saying something that doesn't make sense, ask me to clarify it before condemning me. I have worked very hard to come out of the hell I was in, and repair the things that were broken, I just forgot to include my wife in alot of the things I was doing and she felt alone in our marriage. Unfortunately, she didn't know how to tell me that she felt this way and and fell deeper into sadness and despair and this guy was her friend and she focused on him instead of talking with me. She now knows that he is not available and she sees that I am, and always really was, here for her, she just needed to let me know that she was hurting in the way she was. I didn't know it was our relationship that had her down, she lost four close family members this past year, including her father, she has changed jobs this year, and our oldest daughter moved away. I thought she was depressed over all that, I had no idea she was so unhappy with me. If I would have known, oh my god, believe me when I say, I would have done things differently....for sure.

 

and yes, i know i said i wasn't going to post here anymore but i am a sucker for punishment i guess.

[LakesideDream]

She now knows that he is not available and she sees that I am, and always really was, here for her, she just needed to let me know that she was hurting in the way she was. I didn't know it was our relationship that had her down, she lost four close family members this past year, including her father, she has changed jobs this year, and our oldest daughter moved away. I thought she was depressed over all that, I had no idea she was so unhappy with me. If I would have known, oh my god, believe me when I say, I would have done things differently....for sure.

 

and yes, i know i said i wasn't going to post here anymore but i am a sucker for punishment i guess.

 

 

Violator, Tread very carefully. If your SO was willing to trade you in for a fantasy, "made up in her head" what happens when a real flesh and blood guy takes a run at her?

 

I would keep the leash very short. In fact I would buy an electronic training collar.

 

That being said, Best of luck. Start an new thread next year with a success story, lord knows we love to hear them! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year !

[Mike_C]

After 20 years of marriage, my wife says she isnt happy and she needs to move out and get some space...after a month, she moves out then says she doesnt want to try to work things out with me. Im devistated, i just wanna quit living. i dont know what to do now. im dead on the inside, it feels like a giant black hole opened in my heart and sucked out the feelings. I hate the feelings i have been having, this is the worst pain i have ever had. everyone tells me to just try to move on and let her go, but we have kids together and we have to have contact with each other to handle the kids. Besides, i really dont want my marriage to end. I love her more than ever after all these years. I cant get her out of my head, day and night i think of her. Every song, everything reminds me of her in some way. What can i do? any advice?

 

I am living in your shoes. My wife wants me to leave after Christmas. We've been married 22 yrs. She says she wants to separate. She needs space. No promises on a reconciliation, just maybe after shes dealt with her issues awhile. She is very angry and has alot of resentment towards me. She says she's not having an affair, I believe her that she hasn't had sex with anyone. I do believe that she has an outside interest either at work or more likely on an internet forum she frequents. She agreed to go to counciling with me. But it was always "I'll go to counciling, but" We went twice. On the second session she told me and the MC that she didn't want to keep trying. She seems to want to hold onto her anger. We have 2 daughters 15 & 20. It is tearing me apart. I can't concentrate at work and I'm more depressed than I thought I ever could be. I am so hurt and angry. I don't know what to do. I'm hanging in there till after Christmas for the sake of the kids, but I feel lost. I want nothing but the chance to work on our problems, but she doesn't seem to care. good luck to you man.