obsessive apparently

[crimsonrose]

So I met my fiance when I was 15, a few years ago. It started out as an online relationship and then moved to somethign more, obviously, as we visited each other and then became engaged

 

Anyways, basically, he entered itno my life when I was in this sort of transitory state. I was losing many shallow relationships and preparing to take on more deep friendships. However, then my fiance entered the picture, and next thing we knew, we were talking nonstop. Always webcaming, every day, for hours on end. We both loved it. Well, over th past 6 months, hes been going abck to his old way of life. Hes a huge gamer, so hes always longing for more game time now, and wanting to spend time with his VERY very close family members. And, stupid as this sounds, I hoenst to god dunno what to do with myself now. I'm actually normally an independant person. But my sort of developemental teenage years were spend with only him, basically, while, being 5 years my senior, he already had his and had time to sort of discover the things he loves to do.

 

So, I'm wondering if anyone has any advice. I'm tired of getting on webcam and having him want to go do other things. I understand his need to be away from me so he doesnt feel suffocated, but because Ive just been with him for funt he past two years, I'm not sure what my hobbies even ARE now. And to top it off, the times that we talk are during his day and my night, at 3 am and so on and so forth. So I cant exactly jsut go spend time with my family. It's like I'm jsut awake at night, alone, waiting for him to talk to me, ya know?

 

Any advice? Besides get a life. It's obvious that I need one. Some mature structured advice would be appreciated though

[Geishawhelk]

The big problem is, you know exactly what you need to do.

 

So it's difficult to give you any form of feedback other than - detach.

Drop this.

Move on.

Close the book.

 

Get a Life.

 

What is it you want to hear?

Nobody here can transform him into the guy you want.

He's not willing to do it, obviously.

And you can't do it.

So....?

 

Time to find the guy you want.

[Belle28]

Have you ever talked to him about this? My guess is that since you are engaged he would never even imagine you are second guessing your relationship and because he is a man he thinks he can have his cake and eat it. He just wants to have fun knowing you will be there even though he is living the life he wants to live right now. Furthermore, the time difference does not help. If you feel things have really changed dramatically you should mention it to him so that you can find some solution within your schedules. In case he dismisses the subject alltogether then take some more drastic measures. Stop being so available and go out with your friends. It is not fair on you or him that you are wasting your best years sitting in front of a computer waiting to get some attention. If he is really committed to this relationship (and please bear in mind that men no matter how old they are they are still kids at heart) he will see the light and he will miss the fact that you are not on the other end of the line...

 

I hope it works and if it doesn't just go out and try to have fun. If he doesnt want to spend time with you he doesn't really deserve you. Make sure that you know in your heart that just because you are engaged you are not meant to be at his beck and call all the time...

[Mylife]

Ok firstly, I do love LS...but I don't like how the only solution to anyone's relationship problem is to end it. Crimson my dear, you have been with him for 2 years, and you are engaged to him. I am sure you are not stupid that you agreed to marry him without thinking, you must love him a lot to have said yes.

 

Guys, read her previous posts...you'll see how much she really loves this guy.

 

Hun, I am 19 right now...and I do understand what you must be going through about figuring yourself out and at the same time wanting to talk to him forever, its definately a difficult process. You know, its perfectly ok to go out with friends to the movies, go clubbing or even a girls day out shopping or a dinner with all your buddies. Little things like that keep you independent from him. Yes, its awsome he is a part of your life...but keep him as a part of your life...dont make him your entire life.

 

Go on a road trip with your girls, or play board games with your friends....or go out on family dinners. There are loads of things that you can do hun. And about the seeking attention from him, I say if you dont show yourself to be right there for him to talk to everytime that he wants to, he will want to even more. The more you keep yourself away from him...the more he will want to talk to u. But obviously, dont ignore him, still show him you love him more than anything at the times that u do talk to him.

 

Its a step by step process dear, you are still maturing, but you are doing great at it. He loves you, and I am sure you will be great together...just be calm...and give yourself equal importance as you give him.

[crimsonrose]

Ok firstly, I do love LS...but I don't like how the only solution to anyone's relationship problem is to end it. Crimson my dear, you have been with him for 2 years, and you are engaged to him. I am sure you are not stupid that you agreed to marry him without thinking, you must love him a lot to have said yes.

 

Guys, read her previous posts...you'll see how much she really loves this guy.

 

Hun, I am 19 right now...and I do understand what you must be going through about figuring yourself out and at the same time wanting to talk to him forever, its definately a difficult process. You know, its perfectly ok to go out with friends to the movies, go clubbing or even a girls day out shopping or a dinner with all your buddies. Little things like that keep you independent from him. Yes, its awsome he is a part of your life...but keep him as a part of your life...dont make him your entire life.

 

Go on a road trip with your girls, or play board games with your friends....or go out on family dinners. There are loads of things that you can do hun. And about the seeking attention from him, I say if you dont show yourself to be right there for him to talk to everytime that he wants to, he will want to even more. The more you keep yourself away from him...the more he will want to talk to u. But obviously, dont ignore him, still show him you love him more than anything at the times that u do talk to him.

 

Its a step by step process dear, you are still maturing, but you are doing great at it. He loves you, and I am sure you will be great together...just be calm...and give yourself equal importance as you give him.

 

I COMPLETELY agree, honey. Thank you. As much as i appreciate advice, its disheartening to have people say, well, that sucks, find someone better, when I'm the one having the problem

 

The other problem is, I'm saving up for my next two THOUSAND dollar set of tickets to visit him in Australia where he lives. So theres tons of things I could do, sure, but in my crappy town, none of its for free. And he kinda expects me to just be able to go to friends houses and thats it. Sit there and talk. And considering my friends and I either see each other at work or talk to msn all the time, talking isnt really necessary. getting out and having FUN is. I'd bloody LOVE to go shopping with a friend, or hell, by myself, lol. But I can't because its so expensive. My greatest luxury atm is buying fries a couple of times a week with my lunch.

[Island Girl]

The other problem is, I'm saving up for my next two THOUSAND dollar set of tickets to visit him in Australia where he lives. So theres tons of things I could do, sure, but in my crappy town, none of its for free. And he kinda expects me to just be able to go to friends houses and thats it. Sit there and talk. And considering my friends and I either see each other at work or talk to msn all the time, talking isnt really necessary. getting out and having FUN is. I'd bloody LOVE to go shopping with a friend, or hell, by myself, lol. But I can't because its so expensive. My greatest luxury atm is buying fries a couple of times a week with my lunch.

 

See? This gives us all another piece of this puzzle too.

 

Does he pay for tickets to come and see you? Does he scrimp and save and go without as you are?

 

I really, really hope you are not the one footing the bill all the time and making all of the sacrifices and there aren't any on his side.

 

Really evaluate what you are getting from this relationship. Time invested, memories, etc. can cause a lot of people to hang on when they should be letting go.

 

Love is fantastic. Do not get me wrong. It is amazing and wonderful. However, if it is one sided, it can be destructive as well. It can be empty and hurtful.

 

It just seems you have been posting about him being neglectful and that it is continuing instead of getting addressed or better. So what IS his take when you talk to him about all of this? You guys are ENGAGED. That means there are plans to merge lives and each is a priority for the other. If that is not what you are getting - well, you already know...

[crimsonrose]

See? This gives us all another piece of this puzzle too.

 

Does he pay for tickets to come and see you? Does he scrimp and save and go without as you are?

 

I really, really hope you are not the one footing the bill all the time and making all of the sacrifices and there aren't any on his side.

 

Really evaluate what you are getting from this relationship. Time invested, memories, etc. can cause a lot of people to hang on when they should be letting go.

 

Love is fantastic. Do not get me wrong. It is amazing and wonderful. However, if it is one sided, it can be destructive as well. It can be empty and hurtful.

 

It just seems you have been posting about him being neglectful and that it is continuing instead of getting addressed or better. So what IS his take when you talk to him about all of this? You guys are ENGAGED. That means there are plans to merge lives and each is a priority for the other. If that is not what you are getting - well, you already know...

 

Because I'm younger than him, and not as well off, ive only invested around 2000 dollars into this relationship. Hes invested 16000 or more, on tickets for me and such. The problem is, as THANKFUL as I am for this, its alot bigger sacrifice on me, cuz when im saving for tickets, i cant go out or do anythign because I only make minimum wage, and also pay for all my own clothing, alot of ym food, ect. He comes from a well off family, so spending a few thousand dollars randomly really doesnt dent his pocketbook much at all, and he can still go out and buy games and do whatever.

 

Thankies for the sweet reply btw. Half the time people on the net judge these kinds of things really horridly.

[Mylife]

Crimson, I am glad that he puts in just as much as you do...thats a great sign that he is a great guy and I am sure he is.

 

I do understand your situation sweety, having to save up and still wanting to have fun with your friends. But u know hun there are loads of things that you can do that don't cost money. Like if the weather is good where you live, go out with your friends to a local elementary school and go swinging in the mini park they usually have there. Or maybe go swimming at one of your friend's apartment buildings, they usually have a pool free for residents to use. If you have got snow already, go out with your girls and build a snowman. Or even get all your girls together and cook dinner, rent a movie and cozy up in a blanket with popcorn. Just use ur imagination hun...there are soooo many things that you can do that don't cost you money. And don't let other people's judgements hurt you hun...you hang in there and be strong. Everyone has different advice...its never right or wrong...what matters is the way that you take that advice. If you dont like it...ignore it...thats perfectly fine. At LS we are all here to help...just choose what help you want to take.