4givrnt4gtr Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 I had a tough talk with my dad today. Long story short as we were growing up he cheated on my mom constantly. Me and my siblings knew it, but as it is the case in many hispanic families, we all pretended we didnt know. My mom would fight with him once in a while, call him out on it and even caught him with one of his women in bed. She even tried to kill herself once when i had just been born because of all this. By the time I was 10 my dad decided he "wanted us to have a better life" and sent me my sister and my mom to the US. My mom ofcourse didnt buy it but went along with it anyway. She cried the whole plane ride to the US...about 12 hours. I am not ungrateful that for whatever reason he sent us to the US. I have many more opportunities and am able to live a better life. However, I do resent the fact that after a while we learned that he did not send us to have a better life but because his mistress had a baby and he wanted to be close to him. By the time I learned this I was 13, I used to be very close to him when I was little, but when i found this out i felt rejected and replaced. On top of that he never accepted any of it, he always said that my mom imagined things, even though we had proof and even pictures of the kid. He constantly called us, saying how he so wanted to be with us but we had to be patient and that when time was right he would come. 10 years later he finally came. By this time I had given up on having a dad, or a family for that matter. I was in college and pretty much living my own life. However the hurt and rejection my dad caused me was always present. Ive always felt like i didnt matter to him....he didnt care to send his 10 year old daughter away, and never see her for 10 years even when he had the chance. (he had come once in that time but said he was too busy to come by and visit) Every since then he's been living with my mom on and off...with some weird understanding that they are just friends...nothing more. He constantly complains that my siblings and I are cold towards him, that we have no right to judge him and that he didnt do anything wrong. Well anyway, today we were talking on the phone, and as costumary he started talking badly about my mom's sister. He blamed her for "having destroyed" our family. According to him she was the one who told my mom about his affairs, and that before she said anything, my mom was a good wife and everything was fine. I was totally disgusted by what he was saying. Im usually very passive, and hardly ever confront him, even when I know he's wrong. this time however I couldnt handle it and told him everything I ever felt. How he cant possibly blame anyone but himself for what happened to us, how what he did marked me and my siblings, and how he couldnt ask us to be more loving towards him when he abandoned us. I then told him that all i ever wanted to hear from him, but never had, was that he was sorry for what happened. That he was sorry for not being there for me when I was growing up, that he had wished things had been different He told me that he was not sorry. That he does not regret anything that happened, and has no reason to apologize. I was crushed. I could barely talk anymore. I couldnt believe he would say that to me.... All i wanted was to know he regret not being my father....that maybe I was judging him to harshly when I felt he had replaced me....I cant believe i was right all this time. That the feelings I had when I was a kid were right. I have never felt more rejected in my life.....by my own father..... How do i deal with this? It keeps coming back to me, all day...all i can do is cry....... Its so very painful....how do i deal with him now? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 He's in total denial. Everyone else is to blame but him, he can't believe anyone would blame him, and this isn't going to change now. Or ever. Now, it's up to you to work through this, and let go. You have to find a way to exorcise and expunge your negative feelings and resentment towards him. You have to find a way of accepting him, as your dad, warts and all. You have to find a way to detach from what he did, and separate issues so that you know things about him, but you deal with him on a normal level. You may end up severing contact, and treating him differently. But you must do whatever's necessary for you to heal, and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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